Hamilton Family Circus

Abandoned

2010-04-27T13:27:00.002-05:00

I didn't mean for this space to go dark... but it sort of has. The new blog is up and running and that feels like my new home. I'm not sure what will become of this space, after all it was my home for more than four years but right now... I just needed a do over. A new space, a fresh start.

So, if you're looking for me... that's where I'll be. E-mail me or leave a comment here with your e-mail address and I'll give you the link!!

hamiltonfamilycircus[at]yahoo[dot]com

Blizzard or Tornado

2009-12-09T20:35:00.002-06:00

I forget... was it a blizzard outside or a tornado inside??

This is what happens when I take five minutes to do something other than watch him.....

I hope we're dug out by tomorrow. This kid is B-O-R-E-D!!

Tuesday Talks

2009-12-08T07:50:00.000-06:00

I need to wear my snow boots today mommy because it snowed outside.

******************

Maybe I can play outside in the snow at daycare.

I don't know if they will let you play outside, it's kind of cold today.

The snow is not cold!!

Yes it is.

No it is not!!

Oh yes it is!

Oh no it is NOT Mommy!!

Christmas Card Photo

2009-12-07T11:35:00.002-06:00

Changing of the Site

2009-11-27T14:04:00.003-06:00

Sort of like a changing of the guards, only with much less fanfare. :-)

For those of you stragglers, just a reminder to e-mail me at hamiltonfamilycircus[at]yahoo[dot]com if you would like a link to the new blog or leave a comment here with your e-mail address.

As of right now I am cross posting any updates that are Zack specific between here and there. That is the plan for awhile. The rest of my life will stay over there. Hopefully that means that any of you who don't follow, or come here specifically for updates on Zack will be able to still keep coming around.

Tonight I am taking the night off to stay at home, eat pizza and watch movies in my PJ's with Zack. I bought him some new Buzz Lightyear PJ's today while shopping with the rest of the crazy idiots and I have a feeling they will be a hit.

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

Tuesday Talks

2009-11-24T08:26:00.003-06:00

Then the man put on his gloves and his helmet and he went in and got that other man out of the fire.
.
.
.

I don't have a helmet.
.
.
.

You need to buy me one.

Random Songs

2009-11-22T11:42:00.003-06:00

Every single day with Zack finds me laughing out loud at least once. Today we were sitting in the living room. The TV was off, I was on the computer and he was playing with his tractor. Out of no where he looked up at me and just started singing:

Can we build it? Yes we can!! Bob the Builder!!

Glad to know he got my ability to have random songs running through his head as he plays.

And we're moving.....

2009-11-21T19:51:00.003-06:00

If you take a look around you will notice that the Hamilton Family Circus... is now, well, the Hamilton Family Circus again.

Unwritten has now officially been moved. I have been trying desperately to avoid this move but at the end of the day it was the only thing I could do to try to get my blogging mojo back.

If you remember, about a month ago I gave this blog a new look. I changed the name and updated the design. I thought it would help me get back to me again but it didn't seem to be working. Every time I wanted to come to my blog I still had to enter hamiltonfamilycircus. The name was changed but the old feel still remained. So, I haven't been posting here, I haven't been reading any of my other blogs (at least not very regularly), and I haven't been commenting there either.

Then on Tuesday came the final straw. I received another anonymous comment. You know how much I love those don't you? This commenter didn't necessarily say anything mean. The gyst of their comment was that they had never been to the blog before but they were a friend of Jake's and that Jake and his family didn't care what was going on in my life and I should post what I wanted.

You can go to the post titled Stuck if you want to read the whole thing. Either way, the comment struck a nerve. If it was their first time here, why did they come? Our divorce has been final for almost four months. Why now? The timing just seemed a little to coincidental considering we had just had a family team meeting the night before.

And then it just sort of hit me. This blog, in this place, will never truly be just mine. It was started as our family blog. It is googlable as our family blog. People come here to read about us but there is no us anymore. And as long as it remains in this place and with people continuing to check in and leave anonymous comments I will never feel free to blog as I once did.

In moving Unwritten I have read through a lot of the old archives. I found a post about how free it felt once Jake was committed to finally be able to come here and write the truth. I lost that freedom when Jake and I started the divorce process and I have never been able to get it back. Something about me just continues to hold back and it makes me incredibly sad to do so.

I miss this blog and I miss being able to share my life with all of you. So, I'm moving. If I have your e-mail I will be e-mailing you the link. If I don't and you want to follow me please e-mail me (hamiltonfamilycircus[at]yahoo[dot]com) or leave a comment here with your e-mail address. If you ask, you shall receive. The blog is not private, or password protected. It's just moved. I hope all of you can come with me, losing any of my readers was the biggest reason I stayed here and resisted the move so long.

As for this blog, I'm not sure what will happen to it. I don't really want it to be come defunked but I'm not sure what to put here either. In a perfect world this place will contain updates about Zack for some of the people who don't come with me in the move. But.... we shall see. This blog has been my home for over four years and it makes me sad to leave it but it makes me even more sad to not be able to come here and be myself.

Hope to see you all on the flip side.

Blast From the Past

2009-11-20T14:32:00.002-06:00

I'm in the process of working on the "big news" and in doing so have been going through some of my old posts. I stumbled upon an old post that my friend Jess had written two years ago on Gift Of Gab.

Speaking of which... before I forget, her blog has a new look and a new name. Katie and I did a little bloggy makeover... go check it out... it's fantastic. Just come back... please??

Anyhow, rather than link you to the old post I will just post it here in the hopes of bringing a little cheer to your Friday afternoon. Have a great weekend every one!!

I sth-feel th-so gooooood...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning....

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Khalua, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Watch This Space

2009-11-19T08:41:00.003-06:00

Sorry for the absenteeism... again....

Is there only so many times I can say that before all of you stop reading?

Is there actually anyone still reading??

Think of this as a place holder.

This space will be changing.... again....

I'll send out e-mails to those of you who's e-mail I have, everyone else... watch here for details. By this weekend everything should be done.

See you all on the flip side!!

Casual Observations

2009-11-16T20:31:00.001-06:00

My mom is changing my bandage. Zack is watching. She pulls off the bandage....

Ahhh.... man!!!!

I guess that's one way to put it kid.

Update

2009-11-13T16:53:00.001-06:00

Just on my way home now. Pretty out of it from the meds but other than that so far so good.

They said they got all of it out so it shouldn't grow back. According to M they said the scar is abt three inches longer than before. So I'm guessing about six inches.

I'll update more once I'm feeling a bit better.

So Friday it is....

2009-11-12T10:47:00.003-06:00

On Monday I had my appointment with the specialist in Iowa City. I saw the orthopedic doctor on November 2nd to go over the CT results and he had confirmed that he still thought it was an osteochondroma and he still wanted to refer me to Iowa City.

Since it had taken a month and a half to see him the first time and 10 days to get back to see him the second time I was fairly surprised when they called me first thing Wednesday morning and told me that I had an appointment at 8:45 on Monday.

So... bright and early Monday morning my mom, Zack and I all loaded into the car and made the drive to Iowa City. While my appointment was at 8:45 it was close to 9:00 before I finished with the survey they make you fill out and after 10:00 before the doctor came in to see me.

He looked at the X-ray and the CT and told me that he concurred that it was an osteochondroma and that the only way to help with my pain would be for me to have surgery and remove the tumor. Because of where it is and what it is arthroscopic surgery was not an option so they will use my existing scar and then lengthen it a bit.

They will have to cut a few of the tendons that hold the muscles in place so they can lift up my shoulder blade and get the full tumor out. This should insure that it will not grow back again.

Any questions?

Nope... pretty much what I expected.

So... how does Friday work for you?

Like THIS Friday? As in 4 days from now??

So... Friday it is......

Happy Birthday

2009-11-11T20:29:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday dear Daddy!

Happy Birthday to you!!

Feeling Grateful

2009-11-11T20:03:00.002-06:00

**Link Fixed**

Hostage Situation Turns Deadly, Officer Shot

A woman was found dead inside an apartment after a man with a shotgun held Des Moines police at bay for more than an hour on Wednesday afternoon.

This story makes me more grateful for my life than I could ever explain.

Let's Hope We Don't Have to do THAT Again Anytime Soon!!

2009-11-11T12:54:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I sent Zack back to daycare. It was the first time he had been back in a week. One solid week of moaning and crying and coughing and refusing to eat and crying and coughing and whining and oh... did I mention there was some moaning and crying with a side of whining??

Somewhere in the back of my mind I had myself convinced that because he was almost three and SOO active that he would just bounce right back from this. I thought I would take off Tuesday for the surgery, Wednesday to let him sleep a bit and by Thursday he would be playing at my parents house.

HA!!

No such luck. Wednesday he laid in a chair in our living room all day coughing and moaning and crying. I finally got him to lay down for a nap about 1:00 and he slept for 3 1/2 almost 4 hours. There was NO food intake and I was forcing him to drink by putting water into a syringe and squirting it into his mouth.

So, I took Thursday off of work and stayed home with him again. He was a bit better, although not by much. He acted like I was trying to kill him when I made him drink a bit of broth from chicken noodle soup. But amazingly he was just fine when he wanted to eat part of a Hershey's bar.

Friday I took him to my parents house. My mom finally got him to eat part of a donut on Friday morning but that was it. All he ate all day and there was a 3 1/2 hour nap in there too.

Saturday was much of the same except when he woke up about 6:30 on Saturday night he wanted pizza. Knowing that it would probably hurt his throat if it was too hard I opted for the softest pizza I could find and he ate half a piece before lying back in the chair to commence with the moaning and the coughing.

Sunday he was back to not eating anything and he also spiked a low grade fever. By Sunday evening I was pretty sure he was just going to become anorexic on me and that would be that. M came over and I'm not sure what we were talking about but at one point we mentioned something and all of the sudden Zack looked over and said, "I want a cheeseburger."

So, M went and got cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets and Zack sat down and ate 4 chicken nuggets and some french fries.

Monday I kept him home just to give him one more day to recover and he seemed to be doing fairly well so yesterday back to daycare he went.

I think last night was the first night he was finally mostly back to himself. He ate some spaghetti and passed out at 7:00. It was 7:00 this morning before I heard a peep out of him. Considering we have been up at least once to 10 times every night with him coughing and crying and carrying on, I actually had to check to make sure he was still breathing when I woke up at 6:15 and realized he hadn't been up.

Today the daycare called at 10:00 and said he was having a rough morning. Crying and saying it hurt. I told them not to make him eat if he didn't want to and to call me if he didn't settle down. They haven't called back yet.

I'm hoping that things are starting to get better. This has been a REALLY long week and it only will get longer by this weekend (another post... it's coming I promise).

Note to self, when the doctors say it could be 7 - 10 days before your child feels well again, they aren't kidding. It's just a good thing he only has one set of tonsils because I would not be volunteering to do that again ANY time soon!!

Droid Blogging

2009-11-09T19:34:00.001-06:00

On Friday Verizon launched its newest smartphone. The Droid. From the moment I saw the first commercial I was smitten.

I have been going back and forth about getting a smartphone for some time now but I kept talking myself out of it. It was too expensive. I didn't really need it, etc.

So on Friday I decided I would just stop in to the Verizon store and see what all the fuss was about. AND... as you can probably guess from the title of this post you can tell how that went.

I love it. Can't imagine not having it. One of the best things I've done, just for me.

So tell me, what was something you indulged in, not because you needed it but because you really wanted it?

Brave Little Guy

2009-11-04T18:43:00.001-06:00

We reported to the surgery center at 7:30 am

We then sat in the room for an hour and a half.

He changed into the outfit they gave him.
But kept looking at me like why are they making me wear this silly looking thing?

Finally it was his turn and he walked away like it was no big deal.
"You are the first one I've had all day who has walked back here on their own."

20 minutes later the doctor came out to talk to us.

30 minutes after that they let us go back and see him.

2 hours later we got to head home.

He slept in the car but wanted chocolate pudding as soon as we got home.

Then it was movie time.
He ate ice cream and two popsicles before he took a nap.

After he woke up he ate applesause and half of a nutrigrain bar.
By 7:30 it was bedtime and mom thought we were doing pretty well.

Sometime about 1:15 it all took a turn for the worse.

He was up every hour from 1:15 to 6:00. He would cough and then cry and then hack.

Finally at 6:00 I gave him another dose of medicine and he slept until 8:45.

Today has been bad.

He coughs and then whines like a wounded animal.

I know that this too shall pass but it is REALLY hard to watch.

He won't eat anything today so I'm just trying to push the fluids.

Hoping that tonight will be better than last night.

And tomorrow better than today.

WW: Cutest Farmer I Know

2009-11-04T18:08:00.011-06:00

Happy Halloween... a few days late!!

One Surgery Down

2009-11-03T13:46:00.003-06:00

At 7:30 this morning we walked into the surgery center not sure if we were going to be able to have his surgery or not. As it turns out, while his cold was bad his lungs were clear so surgery was on.

It was almost 9:00 before they took him back and about 9:45 before we got to see him. When the doctor came out to see us he was shaking his head still commenting on the size of his tonsils. He said that when they went to put in his breathing tube the anesthesiologists comment was, "How does he breathe with these in his throat."

So, now they are out. Along with his adenoids and his ear tubes.

He was pretty angry for the first two hours and then fell asleep in the car on the way home. As soon as I turned off the car his first words to me were I want pudding. So chocolate pudding it was.

Now we are sitting around, eating ice cream and watching movies. His next dose of medicine is in 10 minutes and I'm hoping after that I can get him to sleep for a little while.

However, he has, once again amazed me in his ability to bounce back from this. This kid is tough.

Medical Marvels

2009-11-02T20:32:00.002-06:00

Apparently Zack and I are just a plethora of medical mysteries this month. I'll catch you up on the highlights because that really is all I have the energy for considering on top of everything else Zack decided to get a cold last night and was up no less than 5 times. Add in one time for the dogs and you've got one tired mommy.

*******************

First up: Zack

Tomorrow he is getting his tonsils out. The comments from the doctors we have seen recently have included but are not limited to:

Wow... those are impressive and I do this for a living.

Can he breathe with his mouth closed?

Does he snore? (Yes, frequently and VERY loudly)

Does he have trouble swallowing solid food? (He's 38.5 inches tall and weighs 38 pounds does it look like he has trouble?)

So... tomorrow it is. We have to be there at 7:30 in the morning but I'm guessing they won't start surgery until 8:00 or so. My guess is by 10:00 my son will be VERY angry with me. :-(

On the upside we stocked up on Popsicles, ice cream, and chocolate pudding so with any luck I should be back in his good graces by noon.

**************************
Next up: Fred (aka... the mass on my shoulder)

I had my second appointment today with the orthopedic doctor. His consensus is that it is a bone tumor. Most likely an osteocondroma which is non-cancerous but they won't know 100% until it is removed.

The CT scan showed a mass about the size of an egg that is rubbing up against my chest wall. So, bone on bone is why I am having so much pain.

My appointment was at 4:15 today and at 4:55 I was FINALLY shown back to the exam room. On the upside I was done and on my way home by 5:05 but still.... little ridiculous on the wait time.

Since it was after five the IA City doctor's office was closed so they will have to call me tomorrow to schedule the appointment. I would guess it will be another two to four weeks of waiting. Such is my life.

*****************
So how about you? Any weird medical mysteries going on in your life? Or how about tonsil surgery stories? About how the mom was all worried about sending her baby off into surgery but all went perfectly fine and he was way better after it was over? I would very much like to hear one of those.

Duh Mom!!

2009-11-01T11:57:00.002-06:00

I'm in the kitchen when I hear a crash. I turn around and he does it again. He hits the ball off the T and then throws the bat across the room.

"Zack what are you doing?"

"You throw the bat when you run Mom!!"

Remember when you were little and your mom would say we just can't have nice things!! I get it now.

Writing Again

2009-10-31T19:50:00.003-05:00

When I took a break from this blog, I also took a break from my other blog. I needed space and time and I think I have now taken enough of both.

If you look over to the right you will notice that blog has a current date currently updated of today.

So, if your looking for me this weekend, I will be Through the Looking Glass for a bit. You can find me there.

We Shall Call Him Fred

2009-10-29T16:33:00.003-05:00

About 11 years ago I had a pain in my shoulder. It started as just a small pain and moved into a holy crap what did I do to my shoulder pain. As is so often the case when you have something hurting your first instinct is to rub it and try to make it feel better. So rub away I did and much to my surprise while trying to rub my shoulder one day my hand grazed over a bump.

Of course at the age of eighteen the first thought to cross my mind was oh my god I have a tumor!!

"It's not a tumor!!"

Except of course, when it is. A non-cancerous bone tumor (osteochondroma) to be exact. Basically a mass of bone and tissue residing on my shoulder blade. (Scapula... this will be important in a minute... wait for it)

So, of course I rush my ass to a doctor who proceeds to tell me that it will not kill me, phew, but it will continue to cause me discomfort unless they remove it. By this point the pain in my shoulder had gotten worse and there were now random shooting pains going down my arm. So, surgery it was.

During Christmas break of my freshman year of collage I had surgery to remove the osteochondroma on my scapula. (See... told you... it makes it sound WAY cooler when I use it that way doesn't it?)

When the doctor came to see me after the surgery he broke the news to us about the placement of this particular tumor. See part of the tumor was sticking out where he could see it (and I could feel it) but part of it was under my shoulder blade. Taking the part out under my shoulder blade, because of the location, turned my surgery from a minor surgery into a major surgery. So he left that part in in the hopes that it would just sort of hang out there.

Unfortunately, my tumor had other plans. Like a starfish when you cut off one of its "arms", the tumor grew back bigger, badder and with avengence. I believe it was about two years later when I first noticed it sticking back out. At that point in time I went to a different doctor who gave me the same spiel about minor to major surgery, throwing in this additional gem:

There is a 10% chance of collapsing your lung if we take off the whole tumor.

Never mind. It's not bothering me that bad. We'll just leave it in place. I kind of like it. Maybe we shall name it Fred.

And so it stayed. For the last 9 years it has been there, just hanging out on my shoulder. Only causing me minor annoyances every once and awhile until about 2 months ago. That is the point at which Fred got REALLY angry. It started out subtly enough. My pinky finger and my ring finger would just randomly go to sleep. Annoying, yes. Life threatening, not really. I would just shake my hand and move on with my day.

Believing that I was not taking him seriously enough Fred ramped up the signals. August 23rd I woke up and it felt like someone had stuck a skewer through the front of my shoulder and it was coming right out the back. Add to that a shooting pain from my shoulder all the way up the back of my head and point taken... hello Fred.

So, I called around and found a new doctor. They couldn't get me in until October 21st which meant I just had to wait it out. The stabbing pain lasted about two weeks and if I move wrong the shooting pain up my head is still there. And as I type this, I am loosing a bit of feeling in my pinky. Feels kind of funny, like a parlor trick.

Anyhow, last week my appointment with the great doctor arrived. I was escorted to my room, xRays were taken and then the doctor came in. He did a brief overview and then invited me out to view my xRays.

That right there is your mass. (God I'm glad we pay him the big bucks!!)

(It's the size of an Easter egg in case your curious.)

And because of where it is located, I don't do that. And no one in my practice does that. So we will need to send you to a specialist in IA City.

All I can say is it's a good thing that I'd already had half of this thing removed once and I was pretty sure what it was. Because I can tell you right now that if I didn't know, I would have freaked out right then and there. He was throwing around terms like musculo-skeletal tumor in your chest cavity and abnormal x-Ray and he immediately ordered a CT scan to get a better look at size and consistency.

The next day, bright and early I had a CT scan to get some good pictures and then Monday I go back to this doctor again for a quick look at the CT. Then, it's off to IA City. At the end of the day the problem is not WHAT the tumor is, it is WHERE the tumor is. It is growing on the underside of my scapula into my chest as opposed to on the outside. So taking it off poses some concerns as far as... oh I don't know... leaving my lungs inflated.

So there you have it. I'm just one giant medical anomaly. Maybe they'll let me keep it in a jar when they take it off. Hey, I have to at least get something good out of this don't I??

A Fluke??

2009-10-29T08:52:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I had a friend offer to help me with the HTML. To show her what I wanted I decided to print some screen shots. As I was doing this I changed one setting that I hadn't changed before and boyola... now the header seems to be working.

Pure dumb luck.

So... let me know if anything else looks strange to you. (Besides the pictures of me... those will always look strange. LOL)

The Blogroll

2009-10-28T13:47:00.002-05:00

Ok, I'm working diligently on getting all of the glitches worked out of this new design. Anyone know HTML and want to give a girl a hand? I have a new header designed but I can't get it to work with this pre-formatted template the way I want it to and I am in WAY over my head with the HTML stuff.

In the mean time, check out the blogroll over there on the Right. Keep scrolling down... see it down there?? That, my dear friends is a link to ALL the blogs I read. Yes there are A LOT. I tried to take out the ones that are defunked or do not want to be publicly shared but I may have missed some.

SOO... if you're on and you want to be off, let me know. If you're off and you want to be on, let me know that too.

Tuesday Talks

2009-10-27T06:42:00.001-05:00

He belches and the look on his face is priceless.

"I just got sick a little bit in my mouth."

"Did it taste yucky?"

"No, it was chicken."

*************************

We are almost done with dinner at BK and he starts taking his coat off.

"Why don't you leave your coat on, we are going to be leaving soon."

"But it's warm in here. So I can take it off and then you can put it on when we leave in a little bit."

How do you argue with logic like that?

**************************

Upon inspecting his less than exciting plastic toy from BK

"What does it do?"

"Nothing I think it's just a plastic toy."

Looks at it bewildered...

"I think maybe someone broke it while I was at daycare."

Take a Look Around

2009-10-26T21:53:00.003-05:00

Ok, so if you're viewing this in Bloglines or Google Reader you'll have to click over. Things look a bit different. Let me know if you see anything that needs tweaking. It's not a perfect template but it is something with a different feel to get me back here again.

In the end, this is my space. It has been my space for four years and I'm not leaving it. I have talked to one of the members of my ex's family and explained to her my concern with this space. What they choose to do with that information is up to them. It becomes their decision what they read and what they don't.

I spent most of last week in one hell of a funk. I missed my blog. So, when I went to dinner with M on Friday night we talked about it. About what he wants as far as privacy from me and what he doesn't care if I share. His feelings are that this is my outlet. My therapy.

So, I'm back. New look and all.

Now about that tattoo I've been considering.....

Stick WIth Me...

2009-10-26T20:53:00.001-05:00

Ok... things around here are going to go a bit strange for awhile. I'm hoping to get all the kinks ironed out tonight but if by tomorrow morning it still looks like aliens took over around here know that it will eventually get fixed.

See you on the flip side...

The Management

Stuck

2009-10-23T11:16:00.002-05:00

I'm guessing that any of you that are still lurking out there have noticed a decidedly large lack of posting going on in this space. I've been back from vacation for almost a month and yet every time I sit down to write something, nothing comes out.

It was brought to my attention that certain members of my ex-in-laws are reading here and the way in which it was thrown in my face has made me a bit gun shy about being here. I know that by leaving this blog where it is and how it is, they are free to read whatever they want. But really, the last thing I want is people reporting back to my ex about everything that is going on in my life.

So, every time I sit down to tell you how I have never been this happy in my life or how I have no idea how I found M or how I never thought I would be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel this way about my life I stop. I stop and I think... how much of that do I want being reported back to my ex. And then inevitably I click the little X up there in the corner and this space stays blank.

And it's not so much that there is anything bad in what I'm posting. But it's MY life, it's MY happiness and the way it gets twisted and thrown at me makes me feel less than stellar.

For those of you that know me... this is a big deal. This blog is a part of me and last night I seriously considered shutting it down. I've been writing here for over four years and last night I considered walking away. After all, if I'm not going to put anything up here, why shouldn't I?

But... that's not the answer for me. I've also considered moving it but that would require all of you e-mailing me and getting the new address and I know if I did that some of you would fall by the wayside and that's not really what I want to happen either.

So, I think I just need to redesign this blog. Give it a new look and a new feel to make me more comfortable coming back here and sharing with you again because I really do miss all of you and writing in this place.

Any suggestions??

Tuesday Talks

2009-10-20T09:31:00.003-05:00

Mommy my cows are going to eat you cuz they are hungry.

They are?

Yeah, they are sad cuz they don't have any food.

Well that is no good.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(A few minutes pass... he is quiet in the back seat....)

Mommy... I don't want you to be eat.

Silence...

2009-10-19T15:32:00.002-05:00

I had a commenter ask if I was ok. I keep coming here, trying to say something and I got nothing people. Somehow life and love and laughter have gotten in the way lately.

I'm ok. I've had a few days and a few reminders that I need to go back through the looking glass and work on a few more things but for the most part I'm just living my life.

I'll try to get back here very soon. :-)

Who's Yours?

2009-10-15T10:34:00.003-05:00

At 3:00 today Garth Brooks is supposed to make a special announcement regarding possibly coming out of retirement.

The speculation is that he will be at the Wynn Resort for 16 weeks.

I NEED to be at one of those shows.

Garth is my see again before I die performer. When I was younger I had posters of him all over my room. I own every CD he has put out (except for that one where he tried to be someone else... because really... that was just bad). I know all the words to all of his songs and I have never heard a song I don't like.

I do not care what it costs, if the man is coming out of retirement I need to find a way to get to one of his shows. Any of you got any connections for tickets for me??

So, who is your I would sell my first born child to see them person??

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-14T10:24:00.002-05:00

Magnificent or Mortifying??

2009-10-09T12:50:00.000-05:00

A recent topic of discussion between my friends and I has been guys showing their love/affection for girls. Guys seem to think this should be a private thing between two people and girls... well a lot of us want the fairy tale.

Can you blame us?? Our minds are pumped full of chick flicks and we want the whole nine yards. The billboard to light up with our name in lights, the flowers, the romantic dinners, all of it. However, most of us are a bit more down to earth in our expectations of such things. We might want it... but we've come to terms with the fact that it will probably never happen.

Continue Reading....

Lack of...

2009-10-08T08:31:00.002-05:00

I think I left my brain on the beach some where. We were only gone four days but I am having a terrible time getting back into the swing of things.

I think going from 80's and sunny to 50's and rainy has sort of created a disconnect between my brain and my body. I keep thinking I need to post something but the only thing I really want to do is curl up in bed and take a nap. :-)

On top of that I'm slammed at work. The 15th is the extended due date for individual tax returns and you can probably guess that if we've waited this long to file it, it's not because it is a one W-2 return. What I have left is ugly and complicated and at the end of the day my brain just wants to shut down and watch TV for awhile.

So, please excuse the lack of vacation update. It was wonderful, I had an amazing time and I will post some highlights soon. Until then I think both Katie and Jess have a few highlights posted to keep you appeased in my absence....

WW: All Dressed Up

2009-10-07T20:18:00.002-05:00

Message from the Beach

2009-10-03T07:01:00.003-05:00

The view from the bed in which I have been sleeping the last two nights:

Need I say more??

Loosing Battle

2009-09-29T17:45:00.002-05:00

He fought the table....

The table won....

Three chipped teeth....

And a couple of grey hairs for Mommy...

Monday Madness

2009-09-28T09:20:00.002-05:00

This weekend I tried to pretend I was 21. I didn't really do 21 as I was too busy being too busy to go out. So I tried it...

I failed miserably...

People, I need my sleep. This 4 - 5 hours a night is for the birds.

However, with that said, I had a great weekend. I finally got to meet some of M's friends and family and I had a great time celebrating a birthday with them.

Zack and I got to hang out and spend some good Mommy and Zacky time yesterday and in three days... THREE days... how did that happen?? I will be leaving for Tybee Island.

If you live in Savannah or around Savannah and you want to meet up this weekend send me a message. We don't have anything planned on Saturday or Sunday during the day and I would love to have a blogger friend meeting. :-)

Well, three days to get about 7 days worth of work done. So best get to it!!

And Exhale...

2009-09-26T11:55:00.003-05:00

For the first time in MANY... MANY... months I just feel calm. M and I have had a couple of really good talks about where we see things going for us.

Zack had a really good day at daycare on Friday making me hopeful that this phase might be coming to a quick end.

Things in life are exactly as I have always wanted them to be.... peaceful.

Life is good.... :-)

Friday Confessionals

2009-09-25T10:28:00.002-05:00

I just wrote one of the longest e-mails I've ever written. It took me a week to write and proofread.

I just received one of the longest replies to an e-mail I've ever received.

It made me cry.

Yet I couldn't be happier than if Ed McMahon had just knocked on my door and told me I was the winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Life is good.

Happy Birthday

2009-09-24T18:18:00.002-05:00

The Big 3 Oh My.....

2009-09-24T08:40:00.003-05:00

Happy Birthday to you!!

Happy Birthday to you!!

Happy Birthday Miss Jessica!!

Happy Birthday to you!!

****************************
To day Miss Jessica has a milestone birthday. I won't tell you which one... I'll let you guess. :-)

There are no words to tell you what her friendship has meant to me. When things in my life have been falling apart she has always been there to pick me up. She was the one I could call when my house looked worse than the inside of a barn and know she would come over and instead of judging me, just roll up her sleeves and get to work. (I'm pretty sure she sanitized everything she was wearing after that first trip.)

She was the one who encouraged me to do things just for me. To try to be happy. That life was too short to be miserable.

She was the one who knew me well enough to know that even though I was TERRIFIED to get on that motorcycle I would love it once I was on it. (The para sailing thing in a week is still debatable. Do you hear me?? Debatable.....)

She was the one who came over and rearranged my entire house. When people ask me if I have a decorator I tell them no I don't, I have a Jessica. :-)

She is my dinner and a movie buddy and the someone I know I can always call when things are good or bad and she will be there for me.

Happy Birthday dear friend!! I hope it is a fantastic day!!

People of Wal-mart

2009-09-23T21:38:00.001-05:00

Because sometimes some things are just WAY too good to keep all to myself. I present to you one of the most hilarious sites I have stumbled upon in a LONG time. For your viewing pleasure:

People of Wal-mart

Don't blame me if you get lost for an hour... or two....

WW: It's All Worth It

2009-09-23T06:24:00.001-05:00

Tuesday Talks

2009-09-22T08:36:00.002-05:00

Zacky, did you pull someones hair today?

No, A pulled my hair like this. (He demonstrates.)

Well that was not very nice of A to pull your hair. Did you pull her hair back?

No I didn't.

Well your teacher told me you did. How do you think it makes A feel if you pull her hair? Do you think it makes her sad?

She didn't cry.

********************

I get the feeling that my too smart for his own good two year old may be testing to see what he can, and can not get away with. If I do this... what happens? If she doesn't cry is it still bad?

At the same time, some of the behaviors that were in the notebook yesterday are concerning. Sitting next to a child and hitting them, unprovoked. Squishing a child between a table and the wall (repeatedly). Throwing toys at the wall, for no apparent reason.

All things I don't see at home but again, I don't have other kids at home. He has an extensive vocabulary. (As you can see from the conversation.) He can talk, he can tell people what he wants so I don't understand why he would feel the need to use violence to communicate.

I put him to bed early last night and I read him a couple extra stories. I'm trying to change things in our routine to see if anything could be triggering this. At the end of the day I think it presents more of a problem for me than for him. I want the world to see the sweet, loving child I have at home. Not the one that acts out at daycare. It might just be a stage but I don't have to like it.

Agression Problems

2009-09-21T13:40:00.003-05:00

I got a phone call from Zack's Daycare on Friday. Apparently Zack is acting out at daycare. He is hitting and kicking and on Friday pulled another kid down by their hair.

I am completely perplexed by this. He has no aggression towards me at all when he is at home. Even if I pick him up to carry him to the corner or to his bed he can be screaming away but he does not hit or kick me.

As far as I can tell this just started happening in the last couple of weeks and nothing in his routine or diet has changed in the last two - three weeks.

So when she called on Friday I immediately was concerned that he was acting out because of some of the things he has seen in the past. About two weeks ago he came home and told me that daddy yelled at him and he seemed shook up about it so I don't now if that triggered a memory or not.

This is my first two year old, obviously, so I have no idea if this is a normal stage or if he is above and beyond and we need further help. As of right now DHS bumped down Jake's visit to 4 hours this weekend and they have had me make and appointment with a child psychologist to see if play therapy will help him.

And right now... I'm just confused. I don't want to over react if it is just a normal two year old stage but at the same time I don't want to under react if it is something else that is truly bothering him.

Have any of you had kids that have acted out? If so how did you deal with it? Was it a specific incident they were acting out because of or just because it was a stage they were going through?

Friday Confessionals

2009-09-18T09:33:00.002-05:00

I am one of the least confrontational people you will ever meet.

If I go to a restaurant and something is not cooked right I will NEVER complain. Soup is cold... guess I'm having cold soup. Food is raw, I wasn't really that hungry. Fly in the water, just pick it out... really... I grew up on a farm, it's ok.

This desire to avoid confrontation also spills over into my personal life. If I have a problem with something that is done or said chances are I will not address it when it happens. Instead I will just play it off like it is fine. Then I will stew about it for a week because it really bugged me and why couldn't I just tell the person. Then I decide maybe I should just let it go because now it's been a week, but it really bugged me, but it's been a week and maybe they didn't really mean it how I took it. Maybe I was being sensitive.

Which of course leads to one and only one result. They do the same thing again at some point because I never told them it bothered me and therefore what they don't know they can't change. Wash, rise, repeat.

I hate this and I am working hard at changing it.

Thursday Thoughts

2009-09-17T20:12:00.004-05:00

If the kid inherits my fashion sense is he doomed to a life of purple hats and green boots??

WW: Boots - They Go With Anything

2009-09-16T10:02:00.004-05:00

(Someday he will tell his therapist about this.... probably right before I give it to his best friend to put in the senior video!! :-)

Tuesday Talks

2009-09-15T10:58:00.003-05:00

**Disclaimer: If you are a guy... or if discussions of the female persuasion make you go TMI!! TMI!! You might want to skip this one....**

*******************************

Ok, so there are two choices of medicine I can give you, one is a pill and one is a cream.

What is the difference?

Nothing except that you can't drink if you are taking the pill.

So I can either use the cream and leak for a week or I can take a pill and not drink. Sounds like a no brainer to me.

So which one do you want?

(Really... is this actually a problem for some people... not drinking for a week??)

The pill please.

***************************

Sorry to disappear on you. Today is September 15th, which in tax lingo means the extended due date for corporate returns. I should be back now, until October 15th and then... well let's not even discuss January 1st thru April 15th.... :-)

WW: Grandpa's Helper

2009-09-09T10:12:00.003-05:00

Tuesday Talks

2009-09-08T07:48:00.000-05:00

"Zack how old are you?"

"Four."

"You are not four... how old are you?"

"Two."

'Yes you are. And how old is Mommy?'

"OLD!!"

Gee thanks kid.....

Happy

2009-09-07T21:34:00.007-05:00

I have been hearing the same thing come out of people's mouths lately:

You look different. What has changed? You look happier.

I was asked this on Friday and again tonight and have been asked it several times in the past few weeks so tonight I went and looked back.

I was wondering, did I look that bad back then?
I can tell you that until I looked at the pictures I would have told you people were crazy. Then I looked. On my face I see stress and tired. My face is smiling but my eyes are not.

Then I pulled out this picture that was taken at the fair this year and I realized that it's not really that I looked that bad back then. It's just that I'm looking much better now.
Either way... I'm glad that I look happy.

I feel happy.

Friday Confessionals

2009-09-04T11:22:00.002-05:00

I have an unhealthy obsession with the Duggars. Seriously I can not help but look every time I see them on TV announcing that they are having yet ANOTHER baby. This week I have a free preview of the Discovery Health Channel and their show is on. It's like I'm compelled to watch it.

I love how they seem to all get along. How there is peace and love in their house despite the fact that they have 18 children. (One more on the way) I know that for some people fame seems to ruin them but that does not seem to be the case for this family. They seem to be just as down to earth as they were when all of this started.

So, what is your obsession? What show can you not help but watch or who can you not help but cyber stalk? Come on... fess up....

Thursday Thoughts

2009-09-03T07:29:00.001-05:00

Unsettled. That is the one word to describe me lately. I'm feeling very unsettled. My Children & Families lady is actually the one who pointed it out. Gave a name to a feeling I've been trying to put a finger on for a couple of weeks.

For so very long my life has been one crisis after another and now... well now it's not. Things in my life are calm for the first time in several years and I'm finding myself not sure how to adjust. For awhile I was still on edge. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it doesn't seem to be happening.

Last week Jake got the last of his things out of my garage and my space officially became my space again. This week he is working on getting his portion of the debts out of my name. When that is done the air will clear and life will just begin to be life again.

And while in my head all I have been wishing for is a normal quiet life I find myself crawling out of my skin now that I have been given it. Is this what normal people do?

Believe me when I tell you, I am THRILLED to have this life. I am sleeping again. Did I mention that? Sleep... oh how I have missed you.... I'm just in unfamiliar territory. Unsure what it is that "normal" people do. Is it really as easy as working, coming home, relaxing and going to work again the next day? That seems far to calm compared to what I am used to.

So I ask you, dear Internet readers, what do you do all day? Do you find yourself feeling unsettled with the boring and mundane of your life or are you happy for the peaceful rhythm of the familiar? Is it really this easy and this calm for "normal" people or am I missing something that will come and whack me upside the head later??

WW: Breakfast

2009-09-02T08:40:00.002-05:00

Tuesday Talks

2009-09-01T08:46:00.003-05:00

We are in the bathroom. He's on the big potty with no potty ring so I am squatting in front of him making sure that he doesn't go "splash."

His face is very solemn and serious. This is serious work after all. Then he opens his mouth to speak.

"You want to see my poop?"

"No".... **snort, giggle.... huge laughter.....** "No, I do not."

"Why? I want to see my poop!!"

It was at this point that I had to sit down. I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. It wasn't necessarily the nature of the question it was the dire seriousness with which he asked it.

This kid cracks me up.

Sleep is for the Weak

2009-08-31T10:17:00.002-05:00

For the first time in about three weeks I actually slept last night.

Which means that today I am more tired than I have been in three weeks.

Why is that? When you actually get good sleep your body suddenly remembers... hey... here's how tired you REALLY were... can we go back to sleep again?

It's nice to finally be coming to a place where I feel like I can breathe again and my brain can stop spinning 24/7. Now if I could just get caught up on my sleep all would be well.

Happy Monday everyone... is it nap time yet?

The View From Here

2009-08-30T20:04:00.008-05:00

The weekend was good. A meeting on Friday and dinner with good friends. Saturday I got to see my little sister after far too long and she is looking good. All her tubes and drains are out and the function in her arm is slowly starting to come back.

Today a family reunion and then just lying in bed watching Ratatouille (with the Rat Mommy) with the best little man a girl could ask for. Right now I am listening to him breathe over the monitor and getting ready for an early night myself.

Things here are calm and serene. As peaceful as the sunset I just watched out my back door. Exactly the way I prefer my life to be.

Friday Confessionals

2009-08-28T08:35:00.002-05:00

Jake came last night to start moving his things out of our garage.

There is a large part of me that still can't believe that this is REALLY happening. I keep thinking someone is going to jump out of the bushes with a hidden camera and yell just kidding!! You really thought you could get rid of him??

I know that sounds mean and I don't intend for it to but here is the best way I could describe it to M last night. (And this sounds just as cryptic...)

Let's say you go out and you adopt a puppy. It is a very cute puppy and you think you will bring it home and house train it and love it forever. Only as this puppy starts to grow it gets big and mean and now you have a big mean dog that messes up your house and bites you.

So, you try to give it back to the breeder. Only they don't want the problem at their house. Their house is clean and mess free and without all the headaches that come from frequent visits to the court house because the dog has bitten yet another person.

So they give you a guilt trip about how you took on the responsibility of the dog and it can't possibly come back to live with them and so if you don't keep it, then the dog will be all alone and possibly get killed.

So you feel guilty, and you keep the dog. And it continues to mess up your house and bite you. But every time you try to give it back the breeders give you a guilt trip and so you let it stay.

Eventually you finally get up the courage to send it off to obedience school. But you promised the breeders and the dog that if it got some manners it could come back. Only while it is gone, you decide that you really don't love the dog any more and you really want it to not live with you anymore.

HOWEVER, eventually the dog gets out of obedience school and you promised it if it had manners it could come back to live with you and so the breeders are pressuring you to take the dog back and so you sort of feel like it is your obligation to keep the dog and you let it come back.

At this point, you know you don't want the dog but you sort of feel trapped so you resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be angry and miserable for the rest of the dogs life because you are stuck with it. You took it in and now it is your responsibility to let it stay.

When one gets to that level of acceptance of being miserable it is very hard to understand that one can be happy again. That there is another life out there and I am going to be able to have it. That I don't have to be miserable forever.

I had resigned myself to the acceptance that no matter what I did I was always going to be with Jake and I was always going to be unhappy. I had married him, for better or worse and I had an obligation to stay.

Does any of that make any sense?

So, excuse me if I continue to look over my shoulders or into the bushes for awhile. This new level of carefree, worry less living is just going to take me a minute to adjust to.

Thursday Thoughts

2009-08-27T09:26:00.003-05:00

Ok, as is tradition on Thursdays we are going to talk about something that is rambling through my head. Today that something would be falling in love. I know, I know... how cliche. She just announces that she is seeing someone and now she's talking about love.

Would ya hold the rush to judgement for a moment here and hear me out? I have been dating M for a little over three months now. And while I'm not saying I'm in love with him what I am saying is I am beginning to feel a lot like Colbie Caillat's new song:

Colbie Caillat : Fallin' for you

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

So, my question to all of you who have been out in the real world is how do I know? When did you know you were in love with someone? And more importantly, once you knew, how long did you wait to tell them?

My only experience with relationships is from high school and I'm pretty sure that is not going to help me here. In high school you asked someone out and then you were "going out." Pretty sure that didn't happen here so I'm already in unfamiliar territory. We count how long we've been seeing each other from our first date.

Also, in high school I was in love within the first three weeks and planning the wedding by the end of the first two months. And again... THAT is not happening.... I waited a good 10 weeks to start picking out the wedding dress. (Kidding... MOM... I'm kidding... pick yourself up off the floor.) M has not met Zack yet and won't until we get past these three little words and into a place where we are wanting to have a future together so that's not what I'm asking.

I really just want to hear your stories. How did you know you were in love with someone? Once you knew how long did you wait to tell them? Did you wait for them to tell you first? Once you told them did you expect them to feel the same way?

This is all new to me. Waking up and wanting to spend time with someone. Thinking about them during the day because I want to talk to them, not because I'm worried and need to check up on them. All of this is uncharted territory and so I'm really just wondering how it works for other people in the "real world."

So... spill....

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-26T20:45:00.007-05:00

**You can click on the pictures to make them larger**

Wordy Wednesday

2009-08-26T09:11:00.002-05:00

Because we will never... ever... just be quiet again....

I was all ready to put up a few pictures of Zack at the state fair tonight when I got home. And then... as is always the case... life had other plans. On March 14th Zack's life and my life changed forever. At the time I was intentionally vague with the details. Even just putting up the basics got me lambasted from someone who knew us in real life. So, I left out things. Things I didn't want aired here until I was sure what was happening.

And then life happened. We moved on, we created a different life for ourselves and looking back just seemed like a waste of time. However, sometimes the past refuses to stay gone. That was the case this morning.

Before I get to our conversation I think I need to give you the whole story... what really happened that day.

************************
He was downstairs with Zack when his phone rang. It was a girl but he turned it down really low so I couldn't tell. I already knew and even though I was already set on the divorce hearing it and seeing it right in front of me felt like sticking a dagger in my back.

I was in the process of bringing down his clothes so I brought down the rest of his clothes to the kitchen and told him that perhaps it would be best if someone else supervised visits from now on. He of course claimed they were just friends but became very hostile when I suggested that perhaps I should call her just to make sure she understood that he was still married and had still been asking me to get back together.

Sometime around 3:30 he said he was going to go. I told him that he would upset Zack if he left after 45 minutes and so I told him I would go upstairs. I was on the stairs, on my way up, when the first of the threats started. The first of them being that if I took Zack away he would kill himself and he would take me out with him.

Then came the physical intimidation. He climbed the stairs and got right in my face. At this point Zack was watching everything that was happening and I told him that he was scaring him and to just leave. He got out of my face, went and said goodbye to Zack and I thought it was all over. He was leaving.

Sometime between then and the door he changed his mind. Suddenly out of now where a glass was hurtling towards my head. I ducked and it hit a picture that was behind me. The glass exploded and when I looked up at the bottom of the stairs was Zack. Surrounded by glass shards that started where I was on the stairs and went all the way down the stairs and around his feet.

It was at this point that the mother bear instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of get the f$%^ out of my house. I came off the stairs and towards the kitchen. I had made it to the doorway between the living room and the kitchen when he came back at me again. His fist was out as if he was going to deck me and he was running full speed. All I remember was ducking and when I looked up he was heading for the door again.

I no sooner stood up than a full container of laundry detergent (economy size) was hurtling at my head. I ducked again and it hit the wall above my head and exploded all over the kitchen. Finally after that he was gone.

I locked the door behind him and I called 911.

I know I watched him peel out of the driveway, I know Zack was crying, I know I didn't give 911 my address because I was too upset but they got it anyway. The rest is all a blur.

After I hung up with them I called Miss Jessica. I wanted her husband to come down. They live less than two miles away and I was afraid if he came back to hurt me it would be just me. I figured he could get there before the police. He wasn't home but she came.

After calling her I called my mom. I was crying and could barely get the words out but she knew it was bad and she knew to come. Then I sat down on the couch, held my baby and we cried together.

*****************************
That brings us to this morning.....

Me: Zacky, hurry up. We have to leave.

Zack: I got puppy.

Me: Good, now come downstairs please we have to go.

Zack: I'm coming Mommy.

Me: Sit on your bottom please.

Zack: Why?

Me: So you don't fall and bonk your noggin.

Zack: Why?

Me: Because that would hurt if you fell down.

(He is about four stairs down and he sticks his face through the railing and starts to talk... first quietly... then a bit louder)

Zack: Daddy throwed a glass of water.

Me: Yes, he did.

Zack: Daddy is at Grandma Julie's now.

Me: Yes, he is.

Zack: Daddy is at Grandma Julie's because he was bad at our house. He was bad at our house so he stays at Grandma Julie's.

Me: Yes baby. That is where he lives.

Zack: Daddy hit. He hit you in the face.

(I suppose to him, what happened in our kitchen probably did look exactly like Jake hit me in the face because if I wouldn't have ducked that's what would have happened.)

Me: No baby. Daddy didn't hit me. Mommy ducked.

Zack: And... and... and... then you yelled. Daddy was bad at our house. He lives with Grandma Julie.

Me: Yes, mommy yelled because that was not nice and we don't do those things.

Zack: NO!!

*************************

5 1/2 months later and my son can still tell you exactly what happened that day. No one has drilled him. No one has given him details or asked him questions. And until this morning it had been over a month since he had told me this story.

And it still breaks my heart just as much to hear it.

When people talk about victims of domestic violence they often refer to the women. Sometimes they forget the children. I said here that Jake will probably never get what he did to me. Never fully understand it. And I'm ok with that. I have to be to be able to live my life every day.

But what I'm not ok with, what I'm having a much harder time getting over is that he may never fully understand what he did to his son. That just seeing that point on our stairs brings back that memory to him.

He is 2 1/2 years old and he remembers.

And for that reason... I will never be silent again....

Speaking Out

2009-08-25T11:29:00.001-05:00

I submitted my story to a website called Violence UnSilenced. There is a two month wait to publish stories but I'm on the waiting list. I'm a bit nervous but excited all at the same time.

I'll put up a link when it is published.

Tuesday Talks

2009-08-25T09:53:00.003-05:00

It is 6 am. As soon as my eyes open, my brain starts. This is ALWAYS how it has been for me but obviously I've never been with anyone who's brain works the same way.

M: Where are you going? Didn't you sleep at all?

Me: How are you functioning at this hour? Doesn't your brain ever sleep?

M: Nope

Me: It is exhausting dating someone who's brain works like mine.....

********************************

Discussing the skyscraper ride of DEATH at the fair:

My Dad: Sometimes you just have to live life. Just do it.

M: He's not really helping your cause is he?

Me: You exhaust me.

My Mom: Why? Because you are finally with someone who might actually win in an argument?

Me: Something like that.

*****************************

The meeting of the parents went well. I'm not sure what I was expecting. It was just a couple of hours at the fair but a good first start.

My mom's words were he seems nice.

I guess that's all I can ask for. :-)

Aunt Becky's Adventures

2009-08-24T09:48:00.023-05:00

Last month dear Aunt Becky went to BlogHer. Unfortunately, she consumed one too many of these:

Passed out and was unable to attend the second day. There by leaving her with WAY too many business cards and no one to give them to. (Ok... so maybe her son got sick and she couldn't go back the second day... details... details....)

Being the kind soles that we are, Miss Katie and I volunteered to take Aunt Becky's business cards around town with us to show them a good time.

First things first, we attended my divorce party. While I look three sheets to the wind in the picture I assure you I was not. (Possibly only two.... What can I say... the water goes straight to my head....)

After the divorce party Becky's business card was just DYING to try riding a Harley so off we went into the sunset.

Since the divorce party the card has just been lounging around my house. Eating chips, drinking beer and generally refusing to pick up after it's self. Until this weekend, when it headed out with Katie and I on its next great adventure:

The Iowa State Fair

We made sure we arrived bright and early so that we could see all of the big items the fair is known for.

First we had to stop for JR mini donuts. Because NO fair experience is complete without a bag of donuts. 23 mini donuts... to be exact... but who is counting.... Of COURSE I didn't eat all of them. I would never be THAT woman... (And moving on....)

Next up on the list was a trip to see the world famous butter cow. Made with approximately 600 lbs of butter which would butter approximately 19,200 slices of toast.

Every year, in addition to the butter cow they also scuplt someting else in butter. There was a large controversey this year when they announced that they wanted it to be Michael Jackson. This controversey eventually lead to an on-line vote in which Michael Jackson was voted out. So instead, we got Neil Armstrong in honor of the 40th anniversary of the moon landing.

After seeing the butter cow Becky's card was so jazzed up about the fair that it wanted to pretend to be a cow. And of course, who are we to turn down such a request:

While it was at it, the card also decided it wanted to have its picture taken in this lovely sign. Ad for milk, or breast feeding ad in disguise.... you be the judge....

The next stop on our tour was to see the big bull. Because really... what trip to the fair is complete without seeing amazingly large livestock? And this one, happened to be the largest bull in state fair history weighing in at 3,378 pounds.

After the bull we mozied on over to see the big boar. We came across this sign in his barn and couldn't pass up the opportunity for another photo moment.

The largest boar was over 1,000 lbs and didn't move much from this position:

Although, I'm not sure he was very amused by the other half of that sign, right next to his pen....

After the bull and the boar we rounded out the card's large animal experience with the largest sheep.

Then it was on to the petting zoo. The card LOVED the camel:

But by far its favorite animal was the Zedonk:

Overall I think the card greatly enjoyed its trip to the Iowa State Fair with Katie and I. It was almost as good as Becky being able to be here in person. (Maybe next year... hint... hint....)

The card would just like to leave you with one final parting message:

Friday Confessionals

2009-08-21T09:57:00.001-05:00

I'm dating someone.

He's meeting my parents on Sunday.

At the Iowa State Fair (only in Iowa people....)

Eeeek!!!

WW: My Daredevil

2009-08-19T21:10:00.009-05:00

Tuesday Talks

2009-08-18T08:48:00.002-05:00

Are you done?

No Mommy... **sigh** (possibly an eye roll)..... I'm waiting for my poopie to come out.

*******************

On the upside... Four days... no accidents. Dare I say we might be potty trained or will I be stricken down by a pile of wet undies when I go to pick him up tonight??

********************

For curious J who asked me a dozen and one questions the answers are up Through the Looking Glass as well as a few new posts.

New Bedroom

2009-08-17T12:52:00.007-05:00

The bedroom set and new bedding arrived on Friday and Saturday while I was at the State Fair:

Friday Confessional I didn't post: I have an unhealthy LOVE of the Iowa State Fair!!

The amazing Miss Jessica came over and rearranged my room so it looked all beautiful when I got there. The result, it doesn't even look like the same room.

I'm hoping that this will help me to be able to sleep better at some point. I think that point might have been last night if I had gotten to bed at a decent hour. (Story for another day.... LOL)

Thank you Miss Jessica!! I LOVE it!!!

Thursday Thoughts

2009-08-13T08:18:00.002-05:00

I haven't slept well in a week. I lay down, I close my eyes, I drift off but my brain... it NEVER shuts up. I have seen 2 AM so often this week it's not even funny. In fact this is getting damn ridiculous. Every night with the dreaming and the nightmares. Give it a rest already... really... isn't that what sleep is supposed to be?? Restful??

My new bed arrives on Friday and the wonderful Jessica has once again agreed to be my decorating extraordinaire. I'm hoping that with a new bed and a new look my room will once again become a place of rest and not a place of unrest.

So tell me dear Internets.... in your most admirable psycho babble.... do you think this will go away? Will I eventually sleep again? (Keep in mind if you tell me know I may have to hunt you down..... and I mean that in the nicest, most loving way possible... really.... :-)

WW: Sleeping Arrangements

2009-08-12T07:14:00.000-05:00

February 16, 2007 - 1st time in Crib

December 22, 2007

April 29, 2009 (the Tent came off and the railing went down)

August 10, 2009

Lest you think I'm completely insane... the view from the hall way. :-)

Tuesday Talks

2009-08-11T13:06:00.003-05:00

There are lots of people on the road.

Yes there are.

Hey, I'm a people....

***********************

Now I can get out of my bed all on my own. Just like Hanah.....

(What have I done??)

My "tattoo"

2009-08-10T21:00:00.002-05:00

Thank you all for the feedback on the tattoo situation. That decision has officially been tabled for a month or two whilst I mull it over some more. For right now I want to talk about a tattoo of a little different nature.

A tattoo, by design, is a permanent mark on one's self, a marking made by inserting ink into the layers of skin to change the pigment for decorative or other reasons.

I have tattoos. SEVERAL tattoos. But, my tattoos are not on my skin, they are in various places in my house. Something that has changed the makeup of my house, not for decorative but for other reasons. And I want them removed.

Let me explain. When you enter my house you will see my washer and dryer. A design flaw really, or more like a lack of design since my house was built in 1892. So there they sit. If you look at my dryer you will immediately notice that there is a large dent in the front of the dryer door. That is a "tattoo." A permanent marking made my Jake's head connecting with it in a fit of rage that I would like nothing more than to remove.

Those markings are in various places in my house. They are visible and not so visible. Take for instance my couch. When you look at my couch you probably just see a couch. Unless you try to sit on it, then you will see the world's most uncomfortable couch and if you don't sit carefully you will also see a wood beam connecting with your.... well you get the point....

Anyhow, when I look at that couch I see the "tattoos." There is a hole in the fabric from when he burned it. The bottom is torn out from where he stashed his pipes and beer bottles. The back fabric is ripped for the same purpose. I can still see him passed out on that couch. That couch and I we are not friends.

Today, I went to the furniture store and I ordered a new couch. I'm not really quite sure I should have spent the money but I'm also pretty sure I don't care. I am paying for tattoo removal and it is worth every single penny.

So is the new bed that I ordered on Saturday. You see Jake took the waterbed in the divorce. It used to be his parents waterbed so in the spirit of all things nice I offered it to him and he took it. At first I was a bit pissed about this. Not really because I wanted it but because I am sleeping in it and he is just going to put it into storage.

I considered going into the attic and trying to rescue my old waterbed, or asking my parents to take the one out of my old room. (I have slept on a waterbed every night since I was about 10 years old) Instead I decided perhaps it was time to make new memories. So off Zack and I went to the furniture store to look for a new bed.

At first after I bought it I was a little nervous. Then today when I bought the bedding and the couch I was a little more so. Should I really be spending the money. Do I need it. Then something hit me.

In seven years I have never, ever had anything new that is all mine. For seven years I have been so busy making sure he had his new bow and arrow, new shot gun, second new shot gun when he lost the first one, fixed the jeep, fixed it again, another new jeep (did I mention at one point we went through three jeeps in 4 months), etc. etc. that I have never taken the time to buy anything big for just me.

And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to cry and now, I am so excited you might find me dancing around my house. I couldn't be more excited if I was 10 years old and I just found out I was getting a pony for Christmas.

A new bed, new bedding, a new dresser delivered on Friday and a new couch delivered sometime in the next month. All steps towards making the horrible memories go away. All steps towards permanently removing those "tattoos."

Friday Confessionals

2009-08-07T07:55:00.001-05:00

I have been more happy in the last 6 months than I have been in the last 6 years.

I have been more happy with myself and who I am and how my life is in the last two months than I can ever remember being since I was a kid.

********************

When someone survives something like I did, sometimes there is a tattoo to commemorate the event.

I always wanted one but got a bad taste in my mouth for them during my relationship with Jake. Now that it is over, the idea of a tattoo is intriguing to me. However, the thought of getting one absolutely terrifies me.

So dear readers.... thoughts on tattoos......

For them, against them and what the hell would I get if I was getting one?

Discuss amongst yourselves......

Thursday Thoughts

2009-08-06T06:35:00.006-05:00

When your friend tells you she has something planned that you can't back out of and you can't bring your camera to don't rack your brain for a million years because never in a million years would I have guessed she was going to put me on a motorcycle.

2 hours of riding, wind blown hair, not a drop of alcohol added up to the best celebration of my freedom a girl could ask for.

Since I couldn't have a camera, Katie took these pictures for me of the big event. Perhaps I should just clarify for those of you who don't know me in real life. I lived in a box. A little tiny ring box. I was the least adventrous person you could EVER imagine!! My entire life was about avoiding things that could possibly kill me... like motorcycles!!

HOWEVER, I showed up and shut up just as I was instructed and the poor, poor man who had to drive me around will only be deaf in that one ear for a little while!! :-)
Dave and I on the motorcycle (sorry ladies... he's taken....)

Me, pretending to drive... NO I did not actually drive. Are you crazy??

You Are Only As Sick As the Secrets You Keep

2009-08-05T13:19:00.003-05:00

This post is going to require a disclaimer. First of all, I apologize in advance for the length. There are a lot of things I have to get off of my chest. Also, this post, by it's very nature is ugly. There are no butterflies, roses or pink poodles. It's raw, it's real and it hurts. 99.9% of this raw emotion has been placed "Through the Looking Glass." .01% of it is now spilling over here.

This is deep. Read it when you have the time to feel it. If you are my mother, my father or another member of my family, you might want to skip it.

Finally, please do not leave me sunshine and roses comments about this. What I'm putting up here is raw and ugly. I'm aware of that and I'm reserving the right to spend one post raw and ugly. I can go back to being the pinnacle of positivity tomorrow.

***********************************

Today my divorce was final. Today I close a chapter of my life that I wish I had closed years ago. Today I was set free in one way but have never really been freed in another. For those of you who have been following me elsewhere you know what I am referring to. For those of you here, let me fill you in on a few things.

When someone writes a blog, they tell a story. Whatever they want that story to be, is just what it is. If I want to tell you part of the story you will never know one way or another. All you know is what you see.

This blog is, for the most part, a happy place. Bright colors, fun stories, happy family.
.
.
.
.
My life, for the most part, was not this blog.

My life was dark and ugly and filled with negativity and fear. I was that woman you see on the lifetime movies who puts on the act for her family but lives her life in fear of her husband.

I was the woman who would do anything not to be alone. Put up with anything to be with this person I was "in love" with.

Until one day, several months ago, I just couldn't do it any more.

We have a slogan in Al-anon: You are only as sick as the secrets you keep and I can't keep these any more.

I found this video a couple weeks ago and I wanted to put it up here but I couldn't. It felt too dark, it felt like it needed explaining and I didn't think I could do that then. This singer is not well known in the US but this song speaks to me. This song is my life and I want to share it with you.

When I first heard this my heart stopped. My breath caught in my chest and all I could do was stare at the video as I watched it play. I was angry for the woman in the video and I was angry for myself.

You see that woman........ she was me.

The part of my world that I left out here is the part about me being a battered woman.

The part about me being so sick inside myself that three years ago I would have done just about anything so Jake would not leave. The part that I left off here was that I was just as sick as him. That despite what I wrote here my life was one never ending nightmare.

I remember the arguments. I remember being thrown down. I vividly remember being picked up and thrown across his parents kitchen. Being picked up and thrown across our front lawn. Being shoved down in an struggle over car keys and drug paraphernalia. Being attacked while I slept in order to get access to those same car keys.

I haven't slept in a month because I am haunted by visions of what happened. I remember being tackled to the ground while he told me that he would kill me before he would let me leave. I also remember staring down the barrel of a loaded shot gun and watching him pump it thinking he was going to make good on that threat.

I remember the phone call from the bank telling me that he had cashed a $700 check. I remember checking my bank balance on-line and seeing two more just like it and wondering what the hell I was going to do. (Not once, not twice, but I believe on three seperate occasions)

I remember covering for him. I remember borrowing from one credit card to pay the negative balance in the bank and the stolen checks from his dad so he wouldn't press charges. I remember borrowing money to pay off drug dealers. Meeting one guy in the parking lot of a gas station so he would stop calling and threatening to kill him.

I remember the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every time he would peel out of the driveway and I remember even more the panic attack I had every time I would race down the stairs, out to my car and try to follow him. Chase him down. Make him stay where he clearly didn't want to be.

I remember screaming into the phone at his father the night he ripped me from my car and tried to run me over. I can vividly remember the look in his eyes when he ripped the keys from the ignition and I can see him hitting my car, pushing the unlock button while I sat in the drivers seat frantically pushing the lock button until he stuck the key in the door and then ripped me from the car.

I remember his dad trying to hug me and my legs giving out, standing there in the parking lot trying to figure out what the hell had happened to my life.

I remember trying to make it less than it was. Lying to the police, lying to my parents, lying to everyone. Just wanting it all to go away so he wouldn't leave. So I wouldn't be alone so my life could continue in this perfect little show I was putting on for everyone.

I remember being on my honey moon and going flying down a hill because he didn't get his way. I remember what it felt like to be on the other side of that door when he was pounding to ask me if I was ok. If I would just open up, if we could fix this... it was our honey moon after all.

I also remember being on the other side of that door when it was broken down. I am on my second bedroom door. The first one was kicked in. I am on my third bathroom door. In my head I can still see his fist coming through the bathroom door. It was like a scene from a horror movie only it wasn't a movie, it was my life.

I remember spending my entire pregnancy alone. Every belly picture, taken with a timer, every doctors appointment except two attended alone. All the planning, all the happiness I was supposed to have, gone.

I remember being 7 months pregnant on Thanksgiving day trudging through a field in the snow, climbing barbed wire fences all in an effort to find him and make him come just so no one would know what was going on.

I remember being alone in a hospital room with my son, only four hours old, not having any idea where my husband was and being angry that I had to stay there instead of being able to leave and chase him down. I remember lying to everyone, telling them he was out pushing snow, running errands, anything to never let them know the truth.

That I was alone.
.
.
.
Alone and scared.

I remember him being pulled from a hotel room with a prostitute on the night he was committed and me spending all of my time trying to justify to everyone that they were just doing drugs in the room. They didn't sleep together......... except for the part where they did.

I remember being head butted and back handed. I remember him spitting in my face, calling me names, and the pure hatred that spewed from his mouth during every argument we got into. He may not have been violent sober but his mouth did all of the hurting during the last two years.

I remember there were moments when I just wished he would lash out because I thought that it might hurt less to have him hit me than it did to hear him call me names and tell me how much he hated me.

I remember every little bit of this and so much more and as much as he or his family would like to pretend it didn't happen, it did. And it makes me angry. So angry that I want to kick and scream and yell. So angry that for so many years I was told to just act like it didn't happen. Everyone goes through this. He was just mad. He didn't mean to hurt you.

And I'm not just angry at him. I'm angry at myself. I'm SOO mad that I could have had a better life. That I didn't leave. That I let it happen, that I fed into it. I begged him to stay, I lied for him, I covered for him I kept myself in that hell for so many years and it makes me angry beyond all comprehension.

But you know what makes it worse?

Worse than all of it combined is the fact that he doesn't get it. That in his mind because he is sober now everything should be fine.

I should be over it.

And it took me until just last week to realize that's part of the reason why I was so angry. That's why I was furious with the world. Why I wasn't eating and wasn't sleeping. I was waiting on something I may never get. An acknowledgement from him that it was awful and that he did damage that doesn't repair it's self over night.

And if I was holding my breath for that I would be dead by now because I am NEVER going to get it. That's the place I finally got to.

A little late for all the things you didn't say
I'm not sad for you
But I'm sad for all the time I had to waste
'Cause I learned the truth
Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be
I knew there'd come a day I'd set you free
'Cause I'm sick and tired
Of always being sick and tired

I have to forgive myself for what I did. Understand that I was just as sick as he was and move on with my life. That's the part that the backlash from Monday didn't fully grasp. You could never say anything to me that is worse than what I have already said to myself. I have been my own worst critic through all of this. Given myself the most anger and disgust. I went back during all of this and read this post from right after I had Jake committed and all I could think was why didn't you run then?

No amount of anonymous commenters coming here and yelling at me for blaming him or not leaving or being an idiot or "pathetic" will ever be more than the chatter that has been inside my head since the day this all started.

I can not put my life on hold waiting for an apology from a man who may never understand that I lived in a nightmare for 7 years.

Your love isn't fair
You live in a world where you didn't listen
And you didn't care

I can not put my life on hold waiting for my brain to stop processing what happened to me. I have to move forward, try to live my life one day at a time and hope that eventually all of this is just a distant memory.

To any of you who have been collateral damage in the last seven years I am exceedingly sorry. To Amy and Beth and Lindsay and Jess and my family and friends and all the anonymous people whom I have snapped at, or deleted, or who have felt unjust backlash I'm sorry.

There was a point in my life where my head was buried so far in the sand that I couldn't see what was going on around me. Didn't want to see it and I may have said some things that I now hugely regret.

I hope that now that all of this is out there it may help some of you to understand who I am and where I am coming from. Obviously there is a lot more that I haven't posted here. A lot more that I save for another place. But for now, this is it....

All the anger and the frustration rolled up into one giant blog post. My life, in all it's imperfect glory splayed out here for you to read.

I'm sick and tired
Of always being sick and tired

WW: The Class Clown

2009-08-05T07:48:00.000-05:00

Panic

2009-08-04T15:34:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting at my desk working away when it hits me. My breath catches in my chest and suddenly I am very warm. My chest hurts. So bad that for a moment I wonder if I'm having a heart attack.

I get up, go to the elevators, outside for air. I sit on the bench, it is warm outside, almost too warm to make me feel better.

I stare at the ants scurrying around on the ground. My eyesight goes fuzzy. Suddenly I realize I'm not breathing....

I get up. Walking, walking will make it feel better. We are now a good 10 minutes in and I still feel like my chest is about to explode. One walk around the block and I'm starting to feel a little better. I head back to my desk.

I begin to work again but the dull ache is still there. I take my pulse... 107... is that high? Low? I don't know. All I know is it hurts. It hurts to breathe and I can feel every beat my heart makes. 45 minutes and counting....

No rhyme...

No reason...

Welcome to my world....

Are you really sure you want in??

Tuesday Talks

2009-08-04T07:40:00.002-05:00

I want to mow with my little mower mommy.

Ok.

But I can't wear my flip flops.

You can't?

No, I have to wear my tennis shoes.

How come?

Because the mower is dangerous.

***********************

Mommy I need to go get my razor.

Your razor?

Yes, I need my new razor from Grandma's.

Which Grandma's?

Grandma Carol's house.

You have a razor at Grandma Carol's house?

Yes, I do.

(He is looking at his leg)

I need to shave. I have bumps....

***************************

Incidentally I called my mom and she has no idea what he was talking about but apparently somehow my son got it in his head that he needs to shave his legs.......

Thicker Skin

2009-08-03T16:54:00.004-05:00

Here is what I find interesting, I come here every day and I post something and I get one or two comments. Most of you reading never say a thing. Which is cool, I read several blogs I don't comment on.

However, when one person gets nasty in the comments suddenly there are 5 or 6 people who jump in to say how awful I am. Seriously.... why do you read here if you hate me and what I write? No one forces you to come. If I read a blog and I continue to disagree with the author I don't read any more.

And if I do regularly enjoy the blog but just happen to find one thing that I don't like one day I don't get on and leave them an awful comment and tell them how "pathetic" they are. I just assume that maybe I read it wrong or maybe I just don't agree with them on something. I don't feel the need to attack them on a public forum. So, oh great hateful ones, do you feel better about yourselves because you said bad things about me?

Look, I realize that these things shouldn't bother me. I realize that writing here opens me up to people who do not understand who I am. People who only know me as a person inside the computer and not a real person. Well, rest assured, I am a real person and this blog is a part of me. Something that I don't just leave here. It is something that I think about and write in my head all day long.

I suppose if I have learned anything from Dooce it should be that everyone who has any sort of a following is going to have blog trolls. People whose sole purpose is to try to drag down the blogger. And in the end, perhaps I should just do what I wanted to do in the first place, delete the comments and move on. After all, that's what she does. Get thicker skin, don't let them bother me, move on.

But that's not me. I don't have 50,000 readers, I am lucky if on any given day I have 50. And I have this horrible desire to have each and every one of you like me. Which, at the end of the day, is a very unrealistic goal. So rather than just delete hateful people I try to figure out what I did, what I said, what I can do to make it better but what I have finally realized is that the answer to that is nothing.

When you come here and you read what I write you form your own opinion of me. Good, bad or otherwise. But the fact of the matter is that when I close the lid to my laptop I take this blog with me in my head but you all do not go with me in real life. I could stop writing tomorrow and my life would not end and you all would just find something else to do with the 2 minutes a day you spend here.

That is the reality I have to face. That is the part of the equation that I need to come to grips with. However, be that as it may one anonymous person did make one very valid point and that is that I am hiding. I took that comment down because it hurt me and I'm not in the mood right now to feel hurt. I reserve that right. But the point at the end about me hiding, that point was a valid and one I want to address here.

While it sucks, you're in the position of a double edged sword. One side cuts because you think have to hide yourself here so that nothing is used against you, the other side cuts because that means you're lying to everyone here... The friends and family you don't let see the other side.

I started the other blog because there were things that I thought would hurt my family and Jake's family to be posted here. I needed a place to process all that was going on and come to terms with my life as it was. I restricted who I gave access to in an effort to make that place safe for me but apparently one person (who does not like me very much or think very much of my writing) slipped through the cracks.

To that person, I'm sorry that you feel that way. Please loose the address to both of my blogs... problem solved.

For the rest of you, there are a lot of things that have happened in my life in the last four years that I have been posting here that I have not blogged about here. By their very nature they were ugly and angry and hurtful.

From today until Wednesday this blog will be a happy place. Butterflies and ponies damn it!! :-)~
On Thursday I will tell you all the truth. Just as with this blog, you can choose whether you read that post or not but it will be up here. I'm sure it will garner it's fair share of hate mail as well and I'm prepared for that.

The post that I am writing will not be everything that is on the other blog. That one will remain as my safe space and my place to process. It will, instead be one, LONG post about a lot of things that may, or may not give you a little bit of insight into who I am.

But for now, would it kill you all to just do a little happy dance for me? A horrible part of my life is ending. A relationship that made both people in it miserable is finishing and we will both be able to live separate, hopefully happy lives.

So yes, I do feel a party is in order for that and I wouldn't begrudge him the happiness of having one of his own, believe me when I tell you I wasn't always a peach to live with myself. :-)

The Party

2009-08-03T07:59:00.000-05:00

The party has been planned. It is Wednesday night.

It is
.
.
.
.
well actually
.
.
.
.
that's all I know.

Miss Jessica has planned something that she assures me will be fantastically fun but refuses to tell me about it. So what I know right now is it is somewhere in the greater Des Moines metro. If you want more details you will have to e-mail her at shaneandjess@gmail.com

Hope to see you all there!!

Tractors

2009-08-01T21:48:00.002-05:00

Grandma can't ride the tractor.

She can't?

No... only me and Grandpa.

Why can't Grandma ride?

Because she can't!! (As in DUH mom...)

*****************

I ride tractors all the time.

You do?

Yeah. They are my favorite....

*****************

I ride a tractor with Grandpa tonight.

What if he's busy?

He's not.

What if he's not home?

He's NOT. busy. Mommy!!

Unwritten

2009-07-31T10:49:00.004-05:00

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

************************

The story of the rest of my life starts today......

Friday Confessionals

2009-07-31T09:04:00.002-05:00

He Signed.....

On the dotted line.....

He didn't decline.....

He just signed.....

********************
I sign today.

The court signs on Wednesday.
.
.
.
.
.
The party is Wednesday night.

WW: Well... I tried....

2009-07-29T21:22:00.006-05:00

Law of Two Year Olds

2009-07-28T11:47:00.000-05:00

A certain two year old, will, every day of the week sleep until 7:00 or 7:30 requiring you to wake him up for daycare.

ACCEPT.....

The night you stay up until 1:00 am working in your office.

That morning he will wake you up at 5:30 with a rousing rendition of "I waked up Mommy!!"

.
.
.

It's gonna be a long day....

Tuesday Talks

2009-07-28T07:17:00.000-05:00

"Mommy do we have money at home."

"Why do you need money at home?"

"I need my quarter."

"Why do you need a quarter?"

"I just do?"

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Don't say why Mommy."

"Oh really......"

"Just say yes."

Don't I have a few more years before we are supposed to be having this conversation??

All Before 7:30 In the Morning....

2009-07-27T11:48:00.002-05:00

"Mommy my eye hurts."

"Well let me look at it... did you get something in it?"

"Yeah... my eyeball is in it!!"

******************

We are working on potty training. He is walking around our kitchen this morning sans diaper after successfully completing one trip and running back and forth about 3 more times just in case.

"Now don't you go potty on my floor."

"I won't."

"Are you sure??"

"I won't Mommy. I'm holding on to it."

I look down...

he is in fact... holding on to it.....

Anger, Fear & Frustration

2009-07-26T22:02:00.003-05:00

Early this morning I received a message from a friend. A friend who was expecting a baby any day now. The message was telling me that her daughter had passed away. And all I could do was stare at the screen and wonder if I was reading it wrong.

I'm not as close to this friend as I once was yet I can not get this out of my head. There are several blogs that I read of people who have had babies who were born still but this is someone I know, not someone in the computer and somehow it seems so much more real this way.

I don't know any details at this point and really they are probably just details because the most important thing is that tonight she should be holding her new daughter and instead her arms are empty. And that makes me angry. It makes me angry for so many reasons.

Angry that some people get to screw up with their children and get chance after chance and she is a good person, a wonderful mother and yet she will never get a chance to know her second born child here on earth. And that seems horribly unfair to me.

It is late, yet my mind won't rest. This piece of information has dragged up all sorts of demons I thought I had laid to rest.

Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers tonight. I know I will.....

Lindsay's Fight

2009-07-23T15:04:00.002-05:00

Well, not the news I wanted to report but I am back posting over at my sister's site again. Lindsay had to be admitted to the hospital again for infection and pancreas troubles.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I know she needs it!!

Thursday Thoughts

2009-07-23T07:18:00.001-05:00

Maya Angelou said this:

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

Cuz I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

- Missy Higgins (Where I Stood)

I'm back over on the other side (Maybe I should start calling it through the looking glass) trying desperately to keep my head above water again. E-mail me if you need the directions.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

- Maya Angelou

WW: Big Helper

2009-07-22T07:17:00.004-05:00

Tuesday Talks

2009-07-21T07:04:00.000-05:00

"Zacky where is Mommy's Brain? I think I've lost it this morning can you help me find it?"

Looking intently around the back porch... I chuckle to myself as I lock the door.

"It's inside Mommy."

"No baby, mommy was just kidding. It's in my head, just like yours."

Puts his hand to the top of his head.

"No it's not.... that's hair!!"

Ahh... the Joys of the Internet...

2009-07-21T07:01:00.000-05:00

This morning I went into my e-mail and was a bit shocked to see a comment on the post about my sister having absolutely nothing to do with my sister. The comment was rude and cutting and signed anonymously as all good comments of that nature are. So I deleted it. Figured that would be the end of it.

However, as I should have learned by now... that was not to be the end. On June 13th I celebrated 4 years of blogging on this forum. Over that time I have come to realize that people like this will come and go and often the ones that make the most noise come back again and again to make sure their noise is heard.

Then others get upset and tell me how awful I am for taking down the comments because obviously I can't handle a little criticism and I'm only leaving up what I want to hear.

So.... seeing no good reason not to let their noise be heard I thought I would just put it up here, in all of its glory. Because SHIT like this just DEMANDS to be read.....

Seriously, that's the card you're going to play. Don't get me wrong,
this comment isn't some personal vendetta. I do not know you. I found your site
about 1.5 years ago because through a friend of mine that's followed you from
nearly the beginning. She was always talking about your site, so I thought I'd
read it so I knew what the heck you were talking about. Most of the time, I
completely agree with you... but not this time!!!

What you're talking about, what happened with you and your sister, is
NORMAL. A LOT of kids do that, and most start in their teenage year. I resented
my brother when he was better at sports than I was and never attended any of his
games either. I hated him with a passion. Mind you, he is 3 years older than me,
and it's brother/sister instead of 2 girls, but it's the same concept. My
parents said the same things, and years later we are best friends.

I cannot believe that you're taking the opportunity to blame this on
your (soon to be) ex husband. He had NOTHING to do with it! If you weren't with
him, you would've had the same feelings for your sister and you eventually
would've found your sister again, just like you did. Timing may have been a
little different, but it's not his fault that you had a sister, hated her, then
fell in love with her all over again.

Shame on you for using him as a scapegoat for this. It's enough for me
to delete you from my daily list!

What I really love about this is how they take the first sentence to tell me that this isn't a personal vendetta. Sort of like saying don't take this personally but you are a complete ass and a waste of human life. See? It hurts less when I tell you not to take it personally right??

The other thing I love is how they state right up front, I do not know you. That right there is a signal for my brain to shut off. If you have been reading blogs for any length of time you would know right up front that what you read here is less than half of my life.

I don't come here and tell you every detail and unless you are reading my private blog you don't know the struggles I go through on a daily basis just to try to make my life manageable and to try to move past all the things that have happened to me.

I have never, ever in any way shape or form tried to blame ANYTHING on my ex. Please... READ what you are commenting on before you attack me. I take full and complete responsibility for the choices I made in my life. No where have I ever said it is because of him. Always because of ME... MY choices to live MY life that way.

As far as I know I was never locked away in a tower with the key thrown away. I was an idiot... I will be the first to admit that, but I had choices. There was never a time when I couldn't have said yeah... hey... don't want to do this any more. I didn't and believe me when I tell you I feel BAD about that. Don't really need you rubbing it in... but thanks for the reminder. Always helpful to be cut down by people who know nothing about me.

See, two months ago when I was in a much darker place I would have really been upset by this. I would have let it eat away at me and ruin my day. But today... if you want to be heard... there you go I have let you be heard.

Now you get to listen to me.

I reserve the right to take down any comment I feel is rude or off the point. It is my blog, if you don't like it, don't read it.

When I write something about my little sister, a post which took me a lot of tears to write and you come on to my blog and throw me under the bus because you didn't understand what I wrote rather than e-mailing me to ask me about it... I'm going to delete it.

I take full 100% responsibility for the really shitty choices I made in my life and the train wreck that it became. I'm standing up in front of all of you with a giant neon sign pointing down at me.

IT

WAS

ME!!

I thought that part was perfectly clear. You want to attack me now... it's open season on Heather... use this post as your stomping ground... but DON'T you dare destroy a post that is about my baby sister.

one...

two...

three...

go.....

Good Sister?

2009-07-20T07:30:00.001-05:00

On Friday Lindsay was able to leave the hospital, mostly on her own two feet, and head for home. At that point I turned the reigns to her blog over to her. So here I am, back again.

When I put up the post over there, saying that I would be coming back over here I got a lot of comments stating what a good sister I was for keeping up the blog and how close we must be and for some reason, of which I can't quite put my finger on, those comments bothered me.

Now I realize why people said them. And I realize that they are grateful that they were able to keep up on her progress but does it really make me a good sister? Isn't that just what a sister is supposed to do?

As for how close we are... I've been doing A LOT of thinking about this lately.

My sister and I are two years apart. Until I was about 22 years old I was convinced she was the spawn of Satan and I would hate her forever. My sister and I didn't just have fights. We had knock down, drag out, break things in the house by throwing them at my head (yeah... she did most of the throwing... she was bigger than me....) fights. The kind that make your parents want to lock you both in your rooms until you are 18 and then let you out only so you could gather your belongings and

go.

live.

somewhere.

else.

So many fights and so much ill will that I do not remember one single event of hers that I attended. She was in Volleyball, Basketball, and I think Track and Softball. Yet I didn't attend one single game. And right now, that makes me sad. I have gone to a few of my nieces softball games and was supposed to go to one of my nephews this weekend but was unable because of a wonderful stomach virus. Those 3 or 4 games I have attended of theirs are more than I ever attended of my own sisters.

Part of this, I can tell you right now is because of the life I was living and the choices I was making about babysitting my partner instead of living my own life. Part of this I can see as me taking back my own life but part of it was also this huge animosity that was between us.

I have several vivid memories of telling my parents that once I graduated high school I would never speak to her again.

And them in turn telling me that she was my sister and one day I would realize how much I love her and she would be the maid of honor in my wedding...
.
.
.
.

They were right....
.
.
.
.
Damn parents and their knowing things.....

I don't know when it changed. I don't know if it was over night or slowly but suddenly my sister and I just started talking like two normal people. She was the maid of honor in my wedding but she was also the pain in my ass when I was pregnant.

Then last year she got pregnant and she almost died after having Landen (oh yes... this is twice in one year... we have to have a discussion about this.....) and suddenly all of that crap between us didn't seem to matter any more. Suddenly all that mattered was that she was my sister.

Often over the last two weeks I have wondered, if I had found Al-anon sooner (I had been in a little over a year when Landen was born) would we have been close sooner? Did I stay away because I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't have time for anyone else? Or like so many other things in life did time just take time?

I may never know the answer to that but I can tell you that this accident has forever changed my view of my sister (she's a rock star by the way... all the new blogs on her site... typed by her... with ONE hand....).

We may not have been good sisters before but I think we will be much better sisters now!!

Welcome

2009-07-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

***Scroll down for new posts... I'm leaving this one at the top for a week or so***

Yesterday I installed a Stat Counter on my Sister's web page. This morning when I got in it shows that she has had 534 hits since midnight. WOW!! That's all I have to say... WOW!! I can't believe the way the on-line community has really rallied around her. I know having all of them praying for her has been what has helped her to get this far in her recovery.

As is usually the case, some of the people from over there have followed me back here. So I just wanted to say a quick welcome to any of you who are new. Things around here have been kind of quiet as I've been pretty focused on Lindsay's recovery.

However, feel free to poke around at the old archives. Perhaps you will find something you like that will get you to come back, but if not, glad you stopped by and keep up the prayers for my sister. She needs all of them she can get.

For those of you regulars who read my boring drivel day in and day out... I'll be back in full force soon. Until then I'm going to leave this post on the top and post any new items just below it for about the next week or so.

Friday Confessionals

2009-07-17T08:42:00.003-05:00

I still, over two years after the worst of it, 4 months after the last of it, have flashbacks. Two years ago it was every single day, multiple times per day. 4 months ago it was at least once a day.

Now, sometimes I can go a full day, maybe two without thinking about any of it. Then for no apparent reason I will be driving along in the car and I will get "lost" in one. They hit me suddenly, sometimes without provocation and I'll be right back there in it. The panic attack usually follows.

People often think that when the situation is over it will go away. Like because he is gone I should be better. In fact several of them have asked why I continue to go to Al-anon. When I can go a week, a month without a flashback I will consider myself marginally better and possibly able to miss one of my meetings if I have something else to do.

When I can go a year.... I might consider myself better. It took me over 10 years to get here, I have a feeling it might take me just as long to get back.