So...Um... Yeah...

HELLO?? Is anyone still out there?? I think I may here an echo.....

I guess if no one is there I wouldn't entirely blame you. I, myself, have been pretty much non-existent on all of your sites as well. In fact as it is I am SO far behind on reading that I may just have to scrap the idea of getting caught up and just read from this point forward. Which is really a shame because some of you have some very interesting things going on in your lives that I would love to read about.

As for me and where I have been... um... yeah... that's a good question. I'd kind of like to know the answer to that myself so let me know if you figure it out okay?

No really, I have lots of reasons for being gone but I'm not sure that any of them really add up to a "good" excuse. I can pretty much sum up my absence in one word... overwhelmed.

First and foremost work has been crazy. I really under estimated how hard it would be to keep my personal life at home. In the past I have never really had a problem with it but since I carry this little man everywhere I go, he is sort of hard to not think about. Consequently my work performance has sort of slipped.

Basically I'm behind, REALLY behind. I tried to be a hero this summer by sticking it out and being here but I wasn't really doing any chargeable work since I was so sick. So, that angered a few people because they think that if I'm not going to be doing anything I should be taking personal time instead of just spacing off. I see their point, really I do, but if I had done that I probably would have been gone for 6 weeks this summer!!

So, since I didn't really get anything done this summer I am finding these last two tax deadlines to be rather taxing. (HeHe... see I can still joke!!) My main place to blog has always been in the mornings or at lunch here at work. However, since I'm behind taking 30 minutes or an hour to do nothing but play on the internet just doesn't seem feasible.

Then there is my next issue. I'm TIRED. Like most of the time I'm just barely keeping my eyes open when I get out of here. Consequently I'm lucky if I am EVER here on time because I have so much trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. So that compounds problem number one even further.

Once I get home from here I mostly just want to sleep or relax on the couch. Last week I spent most of my evenings getting things ready so we could paint last weekend. Yes I painted, no I don't anticipate the little one to come out with 12 fingers... but I will let you know.

So, I can't blog at work, and when I get home I'm either running around trying to get things ready for the baby or I'm lying motionless on the couch. So, you ask... why not go to bed earlier. Oh... if only it were that easy. See... I don't sleep. At least not well.

My mind does not shut down until 9:00 or 10:00 at the earliest. So even though my body feels like it has been hit by a truck, my mind is still going 100 miles a minute. Then... once I do fall asleep I only get to sleep for about 2 or 3 hours before I have to get up and pee. AND... yes, I have tried limiting my intake of fluids in the evenings, it doesn't help.

So, once I get up then it is a complete crapshoot as to whether I will be able to fall back asleep or not. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes it takes an hour or more. Oh, and did I mention that when I am asleep it's not really a restful sleep? My sleep is filled with all of these really strange dreams. Which leads me to believe that I am not getting the deep sleep that I obviously so desperately need.

Finally, lets tack on the stress. I am a highstrug person by nature and lately I have been feeling EXTREMELY overwhelmed. I feel like there is still so much to get ready for the baby and so I'm thinking about that constantly. So, I find myself thinking about that when I should be working, and then I stress about whether I'm going to make my bosses angry and they are going to fire me and people we are NOT a one income type of family right now.

Add to that all of the stress I have with Jake and I think I really need a few tranquilizers. What about Jake you say? Well, it's nothing and it is everything all in one. We are just approaching this from two very different angles. He thinks that the baby will get here and we will just fall into our lives and adjust. I on the other hand want our lives to be adjusted right now. And god damn it... I'm the pregnant one... adjust already!!

Basically it boils down to things I don't really want to happen when the baby is here. Like all night fishing trips (yes I realize the fish bite better in the later hours... no... I don't care), and drinking during the week, and the occasional smoking he does (he's in construction... EVERYONE smokes in construction), and the lying around on Sundays. I want everything to be fixed right now and he thinks that once the little one is here it will fall into place.

I don't know who is right but I do know that these same things happened before I was pregnant, so it's not that he's changed anything... it's just that I've changed how I look at them.

So... let's recap shall we?

1) I'm behind at work
2) I don't sleep and when I do it's not well
3) If I'm not too exhausted at night I'm trying to get stuff ready for the baby
4) I'm stressing myself out about LOTS of stuff

So... there you have it. That is where I've been. And this post has just taken be 30 minutes to write and I'm at work. SHIT... falling behind again... gotta go....

Mistake?

Have any of you been following or heard anything about this story?

Third preemie dies after drug mistake

I heard about this for the first time on the news last night and I can not get it out of my head. Maybe I'm just overly hormonal but this story makes me angry beyond belief. It makes me angry and it makes me terribly sad. How do you call what this hospital did a mistake?

In exchange for killing these peoples children the hospital is offering to pay for counseling and provide restitution. How do you put a monetary price on these people's little miracles?

What angers me even more is that this has happened before at this very same hospital. In 2001 they did this same thing to two other patients, their only saving grace there was that they both lived.

Now I know shutting down the hospital is probably not the answer, but SOMETHING drastic needs to happen. They are killing people's children!!

The only thing further I can think to say is that my heart aches for these families and it makes me want to keep this little man inside of me just a little while longer to know he's safe.

3 years

Isn't it amazing what a difference three years can make? Three years ago on this day I was nervously running around like a crazy woman getting makeup and hair done. Taking pictures and eventually walking down the isle to start my new life.

This year on our anniversary we have just that much more to celebrate. In just under four short months (as long as he's on time... PLEASE don't be late) we will welcome our little boy into our lives. So this year for our anniversary, even though he's not here yet, the little one wanted to give his daddy something special.

Happy Anniversary Jake!! I know that we've had our moments, but I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have those moments with!!

Future Cowboy?

And last night makes four....

Yes that's right, at one fifteen last night (or rather this morning) we once again chased livestock.

Have I mentioned to anyone that during the previous FOUR years that we have lived at this address we have not ONCE chased livestock and now since I have been pregnant we have done it four times? I have? Okay... just checking.

Last night it was cows. Lots and lots of black cows. In the dark, on a busy road. Makes for a great combination doesn't it? I awoke to hear them making a lot of noise and imagine my surprise when I looked out the window and saw a cow standing in my front yard. I believe my exact phrase was, "Holy Shit!!"

No you can no use that word, yes mommy is sorry, I'll have to do better next time.

So, at one fifteen Jake jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and I immediately called my parents. After all, they are their cows and if I have to be awake to chase them, so do they!! Of course my dad's response was, well open the gate and put them in. Gee thanks dad!!

Sorry, 2 of us 21 of them, you're going to have to get out of bed!! By the time I made it downstairs the cows were gone. I know this sounds unlikely but trust me, it's not all that hard to loose black cows in the pitch black night.

While Jake stood in the yard shining the spot light around I jumped in my jeep. He found one cow by our garage and for a minute I thought maybe I was loosing my mind and I had panicked for nothing. Did I just wake my parents up for one cow?

I drove across the street and down the lane and didn't see any more. Then I drove down towards the neighbor's house and was greeted by 20 sets of beety little eyes. These cows are not nearly as tame as the others so I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I parked across the road in an effort to sort of head them off and block anyone from flying down our road and making a cow/car sandwich.

At this point luck must have been on our side because the cows immediately turned around and started heading back towards home. (Which if you know anything about cows... NEVER happens!!) I turned around and followed in my jeep with my brights shining on them, hoping that anyone who came from the other direction would see me and slow down before they had 800 lbs of cow in their grill.

In another stroke of what I can only call pure luck they all stayed together and walked the fence row back towards our house in an orderly fashion and not ONE car came down the road while they were doing it. Once Jake realized what I was doing he quickly went to open the gate to the pasture only to discover that it was already open and that is how they escaped.

He shook a bucket of corn and then hid behind their feed bunk so they would come into the pasture. By the time my parents arrived all but one of the cows was safely back into the pasture. At this point I felt sort of bad waking them up but looking back I know if I wouldn't have called them the cows would have ended up on the highway or 3 miles away!! :-)

As it turns out, their hired man had come down to check on the cows yesterday afternoon and had apparently not gotten the gate latched properly. So when they came up last night to eat they saw an open gate and took the opportunity to explore.

Needless to say, their adventure has turned into my VERY, VERY long night!! It was around 2:00 when my parents left and close to 3:30 before I was able to fall asleep again.

Do you think maybe this boy is destined to be a cowboy?

Still Here...

I would like to apologize for my extended absence. Things here are just a little hectic and will probably continue to be so for another week. But hey... all the more time for you to gaze lovingly at my little man (oh wait... maybe that's just me that does that).

Anyhow, on Friday we have a big tax deadline so my days have been full of last minute tax returns and changes to tax returns. On Saturday Jake's dad got married, so all last week we spent our evenings preparing for that and then all weekend we had company and wedding stuff going on.

As for the rest of this week, I will be trying to finish about 5 different returns and in the evenings there is lots of family stuff since his sister is leaving on Friday. AND... somewhere in all of that we need to pick a theme for the little man's room so that we can paint (hopefully next weekend and not this weekend!!)

SO... rest assured we are all alive, just VERY, VERY busy!!

Ultrasound Friday

This morning we had our 20 week ultrasound. They are not common practice in our doctors office but since we wanted one they obliged. They also told me today that they are going to try to get the insurance company to pay for it, since I'm not gaining any weight, so that would be a double bonus.

Luckily they got us right in at 8:00 and as soon as she put the ultrasound wand to my stomach my eyes started to tear up. I think I cried for the entire 20 minutes that they baby was on the screen. First they started up at the head and starting measuring to make sure everything was the right size and shape.

What? What's that? You're glad that everything looked great but tell you the sex already? Well Geez... just for that.... maybe I won't tell you at all!!

Let's see... Profile picture #1. The head is at the bottom left and the legs are tucked up top to the right.

Profile Picture #2... much the same as #1
Would you stop scrolling down madly. I will tell you when I get around to it!! You're as bad as Jake!!

Is that the boy parts?
No sir that's the cord.
What about that? Is that boy parts?
No sir... still the cord. I'll let you know when we get there...

Here's the face. The head is in the upper left and the one hand is by his head. The body is diagonally down to the right and if you look really close you can see the ribs.
This is supposed to be another picture of the face, but I think it just sort of looks like an alien baby.

The baby did not feel the need to cooperate with this woman's measurements this morning and kept moving all over. At one point the baby was practically standing on its head.

Here are the feet. Yes, that is two feet. The one on the left is a side view of a foot and the one on the right is the bottom of the other foot.

And this sir...

Yes, THAT would be the boy parts!!

So... we are having a wonderful, adorable, little boy!! Whom I'm pretty convinced is practically perfect in every way!! (But I might be a little biased!!)

We got to see him moving all over and we got to see his feet, and his frog legs and his heart just a beating away. 158 beats per minute this morning. We also got to see him swallow and wave his arms around!! I am just smitten!! I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now as I never knew I could love some one SOO much whom I have never met!!

Today, is DEFINITELY a good day!!