Blizzard or Tornado

I forget... was it a blizzard outside or a tornado inside??

This is what happens when I take five minutes to do something other than watch him.....

I hope we're dug out by tomorrow. This kid is B-O-R-E-D!!

Tuesday Talks

I need to wear my snow boots today mommy because it snowed outside.

******************

Maybe I can play outside in the snow at daycare.

I don't know if they will let you play outside, it's kind of cold today.

The snow is not cold!!

Yes it is.

No it is not!!

Oh yes it is!

Oh no it is NOT Mommy!!

Christmas Card Photo

Changing of the Site

Sort of like a changing of the guards, only with much less fanfare. :-)

For those of you stragglers, just a reminder to e-mail me at hamiltonfamilycircus[at]yahoo[dot]com if you would like a link to the new blog or leave a comment here with your e-mail address.

As of right now I am cross posting any updates that are Zack specific between here and there. That is the plan for awhile. The rest of my life will stay over there. Hopefully that means that any of you who don't follow, or come here specifically for updates on Zack will be able to still keep coming around.

Tonight I am taking the night off to stay at home, eat pizza and watch movies in my PJ's with Zack. I bought him some new Buzz Lightyear PJ's today while shopping with the rest of the crazy idiots and I have a feeling they will be a hit.

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

Tuesday Talks

Then the man put on his gloves and his helmet and he went in and got that other man out of the fire.
.
.
.

I don't have a helmet.
.
.
.

You need to buy me one.

Random Songs

Every single day with Zack finds me laughing out loud at least once. Today we were sitting in the living room. The TV was off, I was on the computer and he was playing with his tractor. Out of no where he looked up at me and just started singing:

Can we build it? Yes we can!! Bob the Builder!!

Glad to know he got my ability to have random songs running through his head as he plays.

And we're moving.....

If you take a look around you will notice that the Hamilton Family Circus... is now, well, the Hamilton Family Circus again.

Unwritten has now officially been moved. I have been trying desperately to avoid this move but at the end of the day it was the only thing I could do to try to get my blogging mojo back.

If you remember, about a month ago I gave this blog a new look. I changed the name and updated the design. I thought it would help me get back to me again but it didn't seem to be working. Every time I wanted to come to my blog I still had to enter hamiltonfamilycircus. The name was changed but the old feel still remained. So, I haven't been posting here, I haven't been reading any of my other blogs (at least not very regularly), and I haven't been commenting there either.

Then on Tuesday came the final straw. I received another anonymous comment. You know how much I love those don't you? This commenter didn't necessarily say anything mean. The gyst of their comment was that they had never been to the blog before but they were a friend of Jake's and that Jake and his family didn't care what was going on in my life and I should post what I wanted.

You can go to the post titled Stuck if you want to read the whole thing. Either way, the comment struck a nerve. If it was their first time here, why did they come? Our divorce has been final for almost four months. Why now? The timing just seemed a little to coincidental considering we had just had a family team meeting the night before.

And then it just sort of hit me. This blog, in this place, will never truly be just mine. It was started as our family blog. It is googlable as our family blog. People come here to read about us but there is no us anymore. And as long as it remains in this place and with people continuing to check in and leave anonymous comments I will never feel free to blog as I once did.

In moving Unwritten I have read through a lot of the old archives. I found a post about how free it felt once Jake was committed to finally be able to come here and write the truth. I lost that freedom when Jake and I started the divorce process and I have never been able to get it back. Something about me just continues to hold back and it makes me incredibly sad to do so.

I miss this blog and I miss being able to share my life with all of you. So, I'm moving. If I have your e-mail I will be e-mailing you the link. If I don't and you want to follow me please e-mail me (hamiltonfamilycircus[at]yahoo[dot]com) or leave a comment here with your e-mail address. If you ask, you shall receive. The blog is not private, or password protected. It's just moved. I hope all of you can come with me, losing any of my readers was the biggest reason I stayed here and resisted the move so long.

As for this blog, I'm not sure what will happen to it. I don't really want it to be come defunked but I'm not sure what to put here either. In a perfect world this place will contain updates about Zack for some of the people who don't come with me in the move. But.... we shall see. This blog has been my home for over four years and it makes me sad to leave it but it makes me even more sad to not be able to come here and be myself.

Hope to see you all on the flip side.

Blast From the Past

I'm in the process of working on the "big news" and in doing so have been going through some of my old posts. I stumbled upon an old post that my friend Jess had written two years ago on Gift Of Gab.

Speaking of which... before I forget, her blog has a new look and a new name. Katie and I did a little bloggy makeover... go check it out... it's fantastic. Just come back... please??

Anyhow, rather than link you to the old post I will just post it here in the hopes of bringing a little cheer to your Friday afternoon. Have a great weekend every one!!

I sth-feel th-so gooooood...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning....

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Khalua, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Watch This Space

Sorry for the absenteeism... again....

Is there only so many times I can say that before all of you stop reading?

Is there actually anyone still reading??

Think of this as a place holder.

This space will be changing.... again....

I'll send out e-mails to those of you who's e-mail I have, everyone else... watch here for details. By this weekend everything should be done.

See you all on the flip side!!

Casual Observations

My mom is changing my bandage. Zack is watching. She pulls off the bandage....

Ahhh.... man!!!!

I guess that's one way to put it kid.

Update

Just on my way home now. Pretty out of it from the meds but other than that so far so good.

They said they got all of it out so it shouldn't grow back. According to M they said the scar is abt three inches longer than before. So I'm guessing about six inches.

I'll update more once I'm feeling a bit better.

So Friday it is....

On Monday I had my appointment with the specialist in Iowa City. I saw the orthopedic doctor on November 2nd to go over the CT results and he had confirmed that he still thought it was an osteochondroma and he still wanted to refer me to Iowa City.

Since it had taken a month and a half to see him the first time and 10 days to get back to see him the second time I was fairly surprised when they called me first thing Wednesday morning and told me that I had an appointment at 8:45 on Monday.

So... bright and early Monday morning my mom, Zack and I all loaded into the car and made the drive to Iowa City. While my appointment was at 8:45 it was close to 9:00 before I finished with the survey they make you fill out and after 10:00 before the doctor came in to see me.

He looked at the X-ray and the CT and told me that he concurred that it was an osteochondroma and that the only way to help with my pain would be for me to have surgery and remove the tumor. Because of where it is and what it is arthroscopic surgery was not an option so they will use my existing scar and then lengthen it a bit.

They will have to cut a few of the tendons that hold the muscles in place so they can lift up my shoulder blade and get the full tumor out. This should insure that it will not grow back again.

Any questions?

Nope... pretty much what I expected.

So... how does Friday work for you?

Like THIS Friday? As in 4 days from now??

So... Friday it is......

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday dear Daddy!

Happy Birthday to you!!

Feeling Grateful

**Link Fixed**

Hostage Situation Turns Deadly, Officer Shot

A woman was found dead inside an apartment after a man with a shotgun held Des Moines police at bay for more than an hour on Wednesday afternoon.

This story makes me more grateful for my life than I could ever explain.

Let's Hope We Don't Have to do THAT Again Anytime Soon!!

Yesterday I sent Zack back to daycare. It was the first time he had been back in a week. One solid week of moaning and crying and coughing and refusing to eat and crying and coughing and whining and oh... did I mention there was some moaning and crying with a side of whining??

Somewhere in the back of my mind I had myself convinced that because he was almost three and SOO active that he would just bounce right back from this. I thought I would take off Tuesday for the surgery, Wednesday to let him sleep a bit and by Thursday he would be playing at my parents house.

HA!!

No such luck. Wednesday he laid in a chair in our living room all day coughing and moaning and crying. I finally got him to lay down for a nap about 1:00 and he slept for 3 1/2 almost 4 hours. There was NO food intake and I was forcing him to drink by putting water into a syringe and squirting it into his mouth.

So, I took Thursday off of work and stayed home with him again. He was a bit better, although not by much. He acted like I was trying to kill him when I made him drink a bit of broth from chicken noodle soup. But amazingly he was just fine when he wanted to eat part of a Hershey's bar.

Friday I took him to my parents house. My mom finally got him to eat part of a donut on Friday morning but that was it. All he ate all day and there was a 3 1/2 hour nap in there too.

Saturday was much of the same except when he woke up about 6:30 on Saturday night he wanted pizza. Knowing that it would probably hurt his throat if it was too hard I opted for the softest pizza I could find and he ate half a piece before lying back in the chair to commence with the moaning and the coughing.

Sunday he was back to not eating anything and he also spiked a low grade fever. By Sunday evening I was pretty sure he was just going to become anorexic on me and that would be that. M came over and I'm not sure what we were talking about but at one point we mentioned something and all of the sudden Zack looked over and said, "I want a cheeseburger."

So, M went and got cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets and Zack sat down and ate 4 chicken nuggets and some french fries.

Monday I kept him home just to give him one more day to recover and he seemed to be doing fairly well so yesterday back to daycare he went.

I think last night was the first night he was finally mostly back to himself. He ate some spaghetti and passed out at 7:00. It was 7:00 this morning before I heard a peep out of him. Considering we have been up at least once to 10 times every night with him coughing and crying and carrying on, I actually had to check to make sure he was still breathing when I woke up at 6:15 and realized he hadn't been up.

Today the daycare called at 10:00 and said he was having a rough morning. Crying and saying it hurt. I told them not to make him eat if he didn't want to and to call me if he didn't settle down. They haven't called back yet.

I'm hoping that things are starting to get better. This has been a REALLY long week and it only will get longer by this weekend (another post... it's coming I promise).

Note to self, when the doctors say it could be 7 - 10 days before your child feels well again, they aren't kidding. It's just a good thing he only has one set of tonsils because I would not be volunteering to do that again ANY time soon!!

Droid Blogging

On Friday Verizon launched its newest smartphone. The Droid. From the moment I saw the first commercial I was smitten.

I have been going back and forth about getting a smartphone for some time now but I kept talking myself out of it. It was too expensive. I didn't really need it, etc.

So on Friday I decided I would just stop in to the Verizon store and see what all the fuss was about. AND... as you can probably guess from the title of this post you can tell how that went.

I love it. Can't imagine not having it. One of the best things I've done, just for me.

So tell me, what was something you indulged in, not because you needed it but because you really wanted it?

Brave Little Guy

We reported to the surgery center at 7:30 am

We then sat in the room for an hour and a half.

He changed into the outfit they gave him.
But kept looking at me like why are they making me wear this silly looking thing?

Finally it was his turn and he walked away like it was no big deal.
"You are the first one I've had all day who has walked back here on their own."

20 minutes later the doctor came out to talk to us.

30 minutes after that they let us go back and see him.

2 hours later we got to head home.

He slept in the car but wanted chocolate pudding as soon as we got home.

Then it was movie time.
He ate ice cream and two popsicles before he took a nap.

After he woke up he ate applesause and half of a nutrigrain bar.
By 7:30 it was bedtime and mom thought we were doing pretty well.

Sometime about 1:15 it all took a turn for the worse.

He was up every hour from 1:15 to 6:00. He would cough and then cry and then hack.

Finally at 6:00 I gave him another dose of medicine and he slept until 8:45.

Today has been bad.

He coughs and then whines like a wounded animal.

I know that this too shall pass but it is REALLY hard to watch.

He won't eat anything today so I'm just trying to push the fluids.

Hoping that tonight will be better than last night.

And tomorrow better than today.

WW: Cutest Farmer I Know

Happy Halloween... a few days late!!

One Surgery Down

At 7:30 this morning we walked into the surgery center not sure if we were going to be able to have his surgery or not. As it turns out, while his cold was bad his lungs were clear so surgery was on.

It was almost 9:00 before they took him back and about 9:45 before we got to see him. When the doctor came out to see us he was shaking his head still commenting on the size of his tonsils. He said that when they went to put in his breathing tube the anesthesiologists comment was, "How does he breathe with these in his throat."

So, now they are out. Along with his adenoids and his ear tubes.

He was pretty angry for the first two hours and then fell asleep in the car on the way home. As soon as I turned off the car his first words to me were I want pudding. So chocolate pudding it was.

Now we are sitting around, eating ice cream and watching movies. His next dose of medicine is in 10 minutes and I'm hoping after that I can get him to sleep for a little while.

However, he has, once again amazed me in his ability to bounce back from this. This kid is tough.

Medical Marvels

Apparently Zack and I are just a plethora of medical mysteries this month. I'll catch you up on the highlights because that really is all I have the energy for considering on top of everything else Zack decided to get a cold last night and was up no less than 5 times. Add in one time for the dogs and you've got one tired mommy.

*******************

First up: Zack

Tomorrow he is getting his tonsils out. The comments from the doctors we have seen recently have included but are not limited to:

Wow... those are impressive and I do this for a living.

Can he breathe with his mouth closed?

Does he snore? (Yes, frequently and VERY loudly)

Does he have trouble swallowing solid food? (He's 38.5 inches tall and weighs 38 pounds does it look like he has trouble?)

So... tomorrow it is. We have to be there at 7:30 in the morning but I'm guessing they won't start surgery until 8:00 or so. My guess is by 10:00 my son will be VERY angry with me. :-(

On the upside we stocked up on Popsicles, ice cream, and chocolate pudding so with any luck I should be back in his good graces by noon.

**************************
Next up: Fred (aka... the mass on my shoulder)

I had my second appointment today with the orthopedic doctor. His consensus is that it is a bone tumor. Most likely an osteocondroma which is non-cancerous but they won't know 100% until it is removed.

The CT scan showed a mass about the size of an egg that is rubbing up against my chest wall. So, bone on bone is why I am having so much pain.

My appointment was at 4:15 today and at 4:55 I was FINALLY shown back to the exam room. On the upside I was done and on my way home by 5:05 but still.... little ridiculous on the wait time.

Since it was after five the IA City doctor's office was closed so they will have to call me tomorrow to schedule the appointment. I would guess it will be another two to four weeks of waiting. Such is my life.

*****************
So how about you? Any weird medical mysteries going on in your life? Or how about tonsil surgery stories? About how the mom was all worried about sending her baby off into surgery but all went perfectly fine and he was way better after it was over? I would very much like to hear one of those.

Duh Mom!!

I'm in the kitchen when I hear a crash. I turn around and he does it again. He hits the ball off the T and then throws the bat across the room.

"Zack what are you doing?"

"You throw the bat when you run Mom!!"

Remember when you were little and your mom would say we just can't have nice things!! I get it now.

Writing Again

When I took a break from this blog, I also took a break from my other blog. I needed space and time and I think I have now taken enough of both.

If you look over to the right you will notice that blog has a current date currently updated of today.

So, if your looking for me this weekend, I will be Through the Looking Glass for a bit. You can find me there.

We Shall Call Him Fred

About 11 years ago I had a pain in my shoulder. It started as just a small pain and moved into a holy crap what did I do to my shoulder pain. As is so often the case when you have something hurting your first instinct is to rub it and try to make it feel better. So rub away I did and much to my surprise while trying to rub my shoulder one day my hand grazed over a bump.

Of course at the age of eighteen the first thought to cross my mind was oh my god I have a tumor!!

"It's not a tumor!!"

Except of course, when it is. A non-cancerous bone tumor (osteochondroma) to be exact. Basically a mass of bone and tissue residing on my shoulder blade. (Scapula... this will be important in a minute... wait for it)

So, of course I rush my ass to a doctor who proceeds to tell me that it will not kill me, phew, but it will continue to cause me discomfort unless they remove it. By this point the pain in my shoulder had gotten worse and there were now random shooting pains going down my arm. So, surgery it was.

During Christmas break of my freshman year of collage I had surgery to remove the osteochondroma on my scapula. (See... told you... it makes it sound WAY cooler when I use it that way doesn't it?)

When the doctor came to see me after the surgery he broke the news to us about the placement of this particular tumor. See part of the tumor was sticking out where he could see it (and I could feel it) but part of it was under my shoulder blade. Taking the part out under my shoulder blade, because of the location, turned my surgery from a minor surgery into a major surgery. So he left that part in in the hopes that it would just sort of hang out there.

Unfortunately, my tumor had other plans. Like a starfish when you cut off one of its "arms", the tumor grew back bigger, badder and with avengence. I believe it was about two years later when I first noticed it sticking back out. At that point in time I went to a different doctor who gave me the same spiel about minor to major surgery, throwing in this additional gem:

There is a 10% chance of collapsing your lung if we take off the whole tumor.

Never mind. It's not bothering me that bad. We'll just leave it in place. I kind of like it. Maybe we shall name it Fred.

And so it stayed. For the last 9 years it has been there, just hanging out on my shoulder. Only causing me minor annoyances every once and awhile until about 2 months ago. That is the point at which Fred got REALLY angry. It started out subtly enough. My pinky finger and my ring finger would just randomly go to sleep. Annoying, yes. Life threatening, not really. I would just shake my hand and move on with my day.

Believing that I was not taking him seriously enough Fred ramped up the signals. August 23rd I woke up and it felt like someone had stuck a skewer through the front of my shoulder and it was coming right out the back. Add to that a shooting pain from my shoulder all the way up the back of my head and point taken... hello Fred.

So, I called around and found a new doctor. They couldn't get me in until October 21st which meant I just had to wait it out. The stabbing pain lasted about two weeks and if I move wrong the shooting pain up my head is still there. And as I type this, I am loosing a bit of feeling in my pinky. Feels kind of funny, like a parlor trick.

Anyhow, last week my appointment with the great doctor arrived. I was escorted to my room, xRays were taken and then the doctor came in. He did a brief overview and then invited me out to view my xRays.

That right there is your mass. (God I'm glad we pay him the big bucks!!)

(It's the size of an Easter egg in case your curious.)

And because of where it is located, I don't do that. And no one in my practice does that. So we will need to send you to a specialist in IA City.

All I can say is it's a good thing that I'd already had half of this thing removed once and I was pretty sure what it was. Because I can tell you right now that if I didn't know, I would have freaked out right then and there. He was throwing around terms like musculo-skeletal tumor in your chest cavity and abnormal x-Ray and he immediately ordered a CT scan to get a better look at size and consistency.

The next day, bright and early I had a CT scan to get some good pictures and then Monday I go back to this doctor again for a quick look at the CT. Then, it's off to IA City. At the end of the day the problem is not WHAT the tumor is, it is WHERE the tumor is. It is growing on the underside of my scapula into my chest as opposed to on the outside. So taking it off poses some concerns as far as... oh I don't know... leaving my lungs inflated.

So there you have it. I'm just one giant medical anomaly. Maybe they'll let me keep it in a jar when they take it off. Hey, I have to at least get something good out of this don't I??

A Fluke??

Ok, so I had a friend offer to help me with the HTML. To show her what I wanted I decided to print some screen shots. As I was doing this I changed one setting that I hadn't changed before and boyola... now the header seems to be working.

Pure dumb luck.

So... let me know if anything else looks strange to you. (Besides the pictures of me... those will always look strange. LOL)

The Blogroll

Ok, I'm working diligently on getting all of the glitches worked out of this new design. Anyone know HTML and want to give a girl a hand? I have a new header designed but I can't get it to work with this pre-formatted template the way I want it to and I am in WAY over my head with the HTML stuff.

In the mean time, check out the blogroll over there on the Right. Keep scrolling down... see it down there?? That, my dear friends is a link to ALL the blogs I read. Yes there are A LOT. I tried to take out the ones that are defunked or do not want to be publicly shared but I may have missed some.

SOO... if you're on and you want to be off, let me know. If you're off and you want to be on, let me know that too.

Tuesday Talks

He belches and the look on his face is priceless.

"I just got sick a little bit in my mouth."

"Did it taste yucky?"

"No, it was chicken."

*************************

We are almost done with dinner at BK and he starts taking his coat off.

"Why don't you leave your coat on, we are going to be leaving soon."

"But it's warm in here. So I can take it off and then you can put it on when we leave in a little bit."

How do you argue with logic like that?

**************************

Upon inspecting his less than exciting plastic toy from BK

"What does it do?"

"Nothing I think it's just a plastic toy."

Looks at it bewildered...

"I think maybe someone broke it while I was at daycare."

Take a Look Around

Ok, so if you're viewing this in Bloglines or Google Reader you'll have to click over. Things look a bit different. Let me know if you see anything that needs tweaking. It's not a perfect template but it is something with a different feel to get me back here again.

In the end, this is my space. It has been my space for four years and I'm not leaving it. I have talked to one of the members of my ex's family and explained to her my concern with this space. What they choose to do with that information is up to them. It becomes their decision what they read and what they don't.

I spent most of last week in one hell of a funk. I missed my blog. So, when I went to dinner with M on Friday night we talked about it. About what he wants as far as privacy from me and what he doesn't care if I share. His feelings are that this is my outlet. My therapy.

So, I'm back. New look and all.

Now about that tattoo I've been considering.....

Stick WIth Me...

Ok... things around here are going to go a bit strange for awhile. I'm hoping to get all the kinks ironed out tonight but if by tomorrow morning it still looks like aliens took over around here know that it will eventually get fixed.

See you on the flip side...

The Management

Stuck

I'm guessing that any of you that are still lurking out there have noticed a decidedly large lack of posting going on in this space. I've been back from vacation for almost a month and yet every time I sit down to write something, nothing comes out.

It was brought to my attention that certain members of my ex-in-laws are reading here and the way in which it was thrown in my face has made me a bit gun shy about being here. I know that by leaving this blog where it is and how it is, they are free to read whatever they want. But really, the last thing I want is people reporting back to my ex about everything that is going on in my life.

So, every time I sit down to tell you how I have never been this happy in my life or how I have no idea how I found M or how I never thought I would be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel this way about my life I stop. I stop and I think... how much of that do I want being reported back to my ex. And then inevitably I click the little X up there in the corner and this space stays blank.

And it's not so much that there is anything bad in what I'm posting. But it's MY life, it's MY happiness and the way it gets twisted and thrown at me makes me feel less than stellar.

For those of you that know me... this is a big deal. This blog is a part of me and last night I seriously considered shutting it down. I've been writing here for over four years and last night I considered walking away. After all, if I'm not going to put anything up here, why shouldn't I?

But... that's not the answer for me. I've also considered moving it but that would require all of you e-mailing me and getting the new address and I know if I did that some of you would fall by the wayside and that's not really what I want to happen either.

So, I think I just need to redesign this blog. Give it a new look and a new feel to make me more comfortable coming back here and sharing with you again because I really do miss all of you and writing in this place.

Any suggestions??

Tuesday Talks

Mommy my cows are going to eat you cuz they are hungry.

They are?

Yeah, they are sad cuz they don't have any food.

Well that is no good.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(A few minutes pass... he is quiet in the back seat....)

Mommy... I don't want you to be eat.

Silence...

I had a commenter ask if I was ok. I keep coming here, trying to say something and I got nothing people. Somehow life and love and laughter have gotten in the way lately.

I'm ok. I've had a few days and a few reminders that I need to go back through the looking glass and work on a few more things but for the most part I'm just living my life.

I'll try to get back here very soon. :-)

Who's Yours?

At 3:00 today Garth Brooks is supposed to make a special announcement regarding possibly coming out of retirement.

The speculation is that he will be at the Wynn Resort for 16 weeks.

I NEED to be at one of those shows.

Garth is my see again before I die performer. When I was younger I had posters of him all over my room. I own every CD he has put out (except for that one where he tried to be someone else... because really... that was just bad). I know all the words to all of his songs and I have never heard a song I don't like.

I do not care what it costs, if the man is coming out of retirement I need to find a way to get to one of his shows. Any of you got any connections for tickets for me??

So, who is your I would sell my first born child to see them person??

Wordless Wednesday

Magnificent or Mortifying??

A recent topic of discussion between my friends and I has been guys showing their love/affection for girls. Guys seem to think this should be a private thing between two people and girls... well a lot of us want the fairy tale.

Can you blame us?? Our minds are pumped full of chick flicks and we want the whole nine yards. The billboard to light up with our name in lights, the flowers, the romantic dinners, all of it. However, most of us are a bit more down to earth in our expectations of such things. We might want it... but we've come to terms with the fact that it will probably never happen.

Continue Reading....

Lack of...

I think I left my brain on the beach some where. We were only gone four days but I am having a terrible time getting back into the swing of things.

I think going from 80's and sunny to 50's and rainy has sort of created a disconnect between my brain and my body. I keep thinking I need to post something but the only thing I really want to do is curl up in bed and take a nap. :-)

On top of that I'm slammed at work. The 15th is the extended due date for individual tax returns and you can probably guess that if we've waited this long to file it, it's not because it is a one W-2 return. What I have left is ugly and complicated and at the end of the day my brain just wants to shut down and watch TV for awhile.

So, please excuse the lack of vacation update. It was wonderful, I had an amazing time and I will post some highlights soon. Until then I think both Katie and Jess have a few highlights posted to keep you appeased in my absence....

WW: All Dressed Up

Message from the Beach

The view from the bed in which I have been sleeping the last two nights:

Need I say more??

Loosing Battle

He fought the table....

The table won....

Three chipped teeth....

And a couple of grey hairs for Mommy...

Monday Madness

This weekend I tried to pretend I was 21. I didn't really do 21 as I was too busy being too busy to go out. So I tried it...

I failed miserably...

People, I need my sleep. This 4 - 5 hours a night is for the birds.

However, with that said, I had a great weekend. I finally got to meet some of M's friends and family and I had a great time celebrating a birthday with them.

Zack and I got to hang out and spend some good Mommy and Zacky time yesterday and in three days... THREE days... how did that happen?? I will be leaving for Tybee Island.

If you live in Savannah or around Savannah and you want to meet up this weekend send me a message. We don't have anything planned on Saturday or Sunday during the day and I would love to have a blogger friend meeting. :-)

Well, three days to get about 7 days worth of work done. So best get to it!!

And Exhale...

For the first time in MANY... MANY... months I just feel calm. M and I have had a couple of really good talks about where we see things going for us.

Zack had a really good day at daycare on Friday making me hopeful that this phase might be coming to a quick end.

Things in life are exactly as I have always wanted them to be.... peaceful.

Life is good.... :-)

Friday Confessionals

I just wrote one of the longest e-mails I've ever written. It took me a week to write and proofread.

I just received one of the longest replies to an e-mail I've ever received.

It made me cry.

Yet I couldn't be happier than if Ed McMahon had just knocked on my door and told me I was the winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Life is good.

Happy Birthday

The Big 3 Oh My.....

Happy Birthday to you!!

Happy Birthday to you!!

Happy Birthday Miss Jessica!!

Happy Birthday to you!!

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To day Miss Jessica has a milestone birthday. I won't tell you which one... I'll let you guess. :-)

There are no words to tell you what her friendship has meant to me. When things in my life have been falling apart she has always been there to pick me up. She was the one I could call when my house looked worse than the inside of a barn and know she would come over and instead of judging me, just roll up her sleeves and get to work. (I'm pretty sure she sanitized everything she was wearing after that first trip.)

She was the one who encouraged me to do things just for me. To try to be happy. That life was too short to be miserable.

She was the one who knew me well enough to know that even though I was TERRIFIED to get on that motorcycle I would love it once I was on it. (The para sailing thing in a week is still debatable. Do you hear me?? Debatable.....)

She was the one who came over and rearranged my entire house. When people ask me if I have a decorator I tell them no I don't, I have a Jessica. :-)

She is my dinner and a movie buddy and the someone I know I can always call when things are good or bad and she will be there for me.

Happy Birthday dear friend!! I hope it is a fantastic day!!

People of Wal-mart

Because sometimes some things are just WAY too good to keep all to myself. I present to you one of the most hilarious sites I have stumbled upon in a LONG time. For your viewing pleasure:

People of Wal-mart

Don't blame me if you get lost for an hour... or two....

WW: It's All Worth It

Tuesday Talks

Zacky, did you pull someones hair today?

No, A pulled my hair like this. (He demonstrates.)

Well that was not very nice of A to pull your hair. Did you pull her hair back?

No I didn't.

Well your teacher told me you did. How do you think it makes A feel if you pull her hair? Do you think it makes her sad?

She didn't cry.

********************

I get the feeling that my too smart for his own good two year old may be testing to see what he can, and can not get away with. If I do this... what happens? If she doesn't cry is it still bad?

At the same time, some of the behaviors that were in the notebook yesterday are concerning. Sitting next to a child and hitting them, unprovoked. Squishing a child between a table and the wall (repeatedly). Throwing toys at the wall, for no apparent reason.

All things I don't see at home but again, I don't have other kids at home. He has an extensive vocabulary. (As you can see from the conversation.) He can talk, he can tell people what he wants so I don't understand why he would feel the need to use violence to communicate.

I put him to bed early last night and I read him a couple extra stories. I'm trying to change things in our routine to see if anything could be triggering this. At the end of the day I think it presents more of a problem for me than for him. I want the world to see the sweet, loving child I have at home. Not the one that acts out at daycare. It might just be a stage but I don't have to like it.

Agression Problems

I got a phone call from Zack's Daycare on Friday. Apparently Zack is acting out at daycare. He is hitting and kicking and on Friday pulled another kid down by their hair.

I am completely perplexed by this. He has no aggression towards me at all when he is at home. Even if I pick him up to carry him to the corner or to his bed he can be screaming away but he does not hit or kick me.

As far as I can tell this just started happening in the last couple of weeks and nothing in his routine or diet has changed in the last two - three weeks.

So when she called on Friday I immediately was concerned that he was acting out because of some of the things he has seen in the past. About two weeks ago he came home and told me that daddy yelled at him and he seemed shook up about it so I don't now if that triggered a memory or not.

This is my first two year old, obviously, so I have no idea if this is a normal stage or if he is above and beyond and we need further help. As of right now DHS bumped down Jake's visit to 4 hours this weekend and they have had me make and appointment with a child psychologist to see if play therapy will help him.

And right now... I'm just confused. I don't want to over react if it is just a normal two year old stage but at the same time I don't want to under react if it is something else that is truly bothering him.

Have any of you had kids that have acted out? If so how did you deal with it? Was it a specific incident they were acting out because of or just because it was a stage they were going through?

Friday Confessionals

I am one of the least confrontational people you will ever meet.

If I go to a restaurant and something is not cooked right I will NEVER complain. Soup is cold... guess I'm having cold soup. Food is raw, I wasn't really that hungry. Fly in the water, just pick it out... really... I grew up on a farm, it's ok.

This desire to avoid confrontation also spills over into my personal life. If I have a problem with something that is done or said chances are I will not address it when it happens. Instead I will just play it off like it is fine. Then I will stew about it for a week because it really bugged me and why couldn't I just tell the person. Then I decide maybe I should just let it go because now it's been a week, but it really bugged me, but it's been a week and maybe they didn't really mean it how I took it. Maybe I was being sensitive.

Which of course leads to one and only one result. They do the same thing again at some point because I never told them it bothered me and therefore what they don't know they can't change. Wash, rise, repeat.

I hate this and I am working hard at changing it.

Thursday Thoughts

If the kid inherits my fashion sense is he doomed to a life of purple hats and green boots??

WW: Boots - They Go With Anything

(Someday he will tell his therapist about this.... probably right before I give it to his best friend to put in the senior video!! :-)

Tuesday Talks

**Disclaimer: If you are a guy... or if discussions of the female persuasion make you go TMI!! TMI!! You might want to skip this one....**

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Ok, so there are two choices of medicine I can give you, one is a pill and one is a cream.

What is the difference?

Nothing except that you can't drink if you are taking the pill.

So I can either use the cream and leak for a week or I can take a pill and not drink. Sounds like a no brainer to me.

So which one do you want?

(Really... is this actually a problem for some people... not drinking for a week??)

The pill please.

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Sorry to disappear on you. Today is September 15th, which in tax lingo means the extended due date for corporate returns. I should be back now, until October 15th and then... well let's not even discuss January 1st thru April 15th.... :-)

WW: Grandpa's Helper

Tuesday Talks

"Zack how old are you?"

"Four."

"You are not four... how old are you?"

"Two."

'Yes you are. And how old is Mommy?'

"OLD!!"

Gee thanks kid.....

Happy

I have been hearing the same thing come out of people's mouths lately:

You look different. What has changed? You look happier.

I was asked this on Friday and again tonight and have been asked it several times in the past few weeks so tonight I went and looked back.

I was wondering, did I look that bad back then?
I can tell you that until I looked at the pictures I would have told you people were crazy. Then I looked. On my face I see stress and tired. My face is smiling but my eyes are not.

Then I pulled out this picture that was taken at the fair this year and I realized that it's not really that I looked that bad back then. It's just that I'm looking much better now.
Either way... I'm glad that I look happy.

I feel happy.

Friday Confessionals

I have an unhealthy obsession with the Duggars. Seriously I can not help but look every time I see them on TV announcing that they are having yet ANOTHER baby. This week I have a free preview of the Discovery Health Channel and their show is on. It's like I'm compelled to watch it.

I love how they seem to all get along. How there is peace and love in their house despite the fact that they have 18 children. (One more on the way) I know that for some people fame seems to ruin them but that does not seem to be the case for this family. They seem to be just as down to earth as they were when all of this started.

So, what is your obsession? What show can you not help but watch or who can you not help but cyber stalk? Come on... fess up....

Thursday Thoughts

Unsettled. That is the one word to describe me lately. I'm feeling very unsettled. My Children & Families lady is actually the one who pointed it out. Gave a name to a feeling I've been trying to put a finger on for a couple of weeks.

For so very long my life has been one crisis after another and now... well now it's not. Things in my life are calm for the first time in several years and I'm finding myself not sure how to adjust. For awhile I was still on edge. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it doesn't seem to be happening.

Last week Jake got the last of his things out of my garage and my space officially became my space again. This week he is working on getting his portion of the debts out of my name. When that is done the air will clear and life will just begin to be life again.

And while in my head all I have been wishing for is a normal quiet life I find myself crawling out of my skin now that I have been given it. Is this what normal people do?

Believe me when I tell you, I am THRILLED to have this life. I am sleeping again. Did I mention that? Sleep... oh how I have missed you.... I'm just in unfamiliar territory. Unsure what it is that "normal" people do. Is it really as easy as working, coming home, relaxing and going to work again the next day? That seems far to calm compared to what I am used to.

So I ask you, dear Internet readers, what do you do all day? Do you find yourself feeling unsettled with the boring and mundane of your life or are you happy for the peaceful rhythm of the familiar? Is it really this easy and this calm for "normal" people or am I missing something that will come and whack me upside the head later??

WW: Breakfast

Tuesday Talks

We are in the bathroom. He's on the big potty with no potty ring so I am squatting in front of him making sure that he doesn't go "splash."

His face is very solemn and serious. This is serious work after all. Then he opens his mouth to speak.

"You want to see my poop?"

"No".... **snort, giggle.... huge laughter.....** "No, I do not."

"Why? I want to see my poop!!"

It was at this point that I had to sit down. I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. It wasn't necessarily the nature of the question it was the dire seriousness with which he asked it.

This kid cracks me up.

Sleep is for the Weak

For the first time in about three weeks I actually slept last night.

Which means that today I am more tired than I have been in three weeks.

Why is that? When you actually get good sleep your body suddenly remembers... hey... here's how tired you REALLY were... can we go back to sleep again?

It's nice to finally be coming to a place where I feel like I can breathe again and my brain can stop spinning 24/7. Now if I could just get caught up on my sleep all would be well.

Happy Monday everyone... is it nap time yet?

The View From Here

The weekend was good. A meeting on Friday and dinner with good friends. Saturday I got to see my little sister after far too long and she is looking good. All her tubes and drains are out and the function in her arm is slowly starting to come back.

Today a family reunion and then just lying in bed watching Ratatouille (with the Rat Mommy) with the best little man a girl could ask for. Right now I am listening to him breathe over the monitor and getting ready for an early night myself.

Things here are calm and serene. As peaceful as the sunset I just watched out my back door. Exactly the way I prefer my life to be.

Friday Confessionals

Jake came last night to start moving his things out of our garage.

There is a large part of me that still can't believe that this is REALLY happening. I keep thinking someone is going to jump out of the bushes with a hidden camera and yell just kidding!! You really thought you could get rid of him??

I know that sounds mean and I don't intend for it to but here is the best way I could describe it to M last night. (And this sounds just as cryptic...)

Let's say you go out and you adopt a puppy. It is a very cute puppy and you think you will bring it home and house train it and love it forever. Only as this puppy starts to grow it gets big and mean and now you have a big mean dog that messes up your house and bites you.

So, you try to give it back to the breeder. Only they don't want the problem at their house. Their house is clean and mess free and without all the headaches that come from frequent visits to the court house because the dog has bitten yet another person.

So they give you a guilt trip about how you took on the responsibility of the dog and it can't possibly come back to live with them and so if you don't keep it, then the dog will be all alone and possibly get killed.

So you feel guilty, and you keep the dog. And it continues to mess up your house and bite you. But every time you try to give it back the breeders give you a guilt trip and so you let it stay.

Eventually you finally get up the courage to send it off to obedience school. But you promised the breeders and the dog that if it got some manners it could come back. Only while it is gone, you decide that you really don't love the dog any more and you really want it to not live with you anymore.

HOWEVER, eventually the dog gets out of obedience school and you promised it if it had manners it could come back to live with you and so the breeders are pressuring you to take the dog back and so you sort of feel like it is your obligation to keep the dog and you let it come back.

At this point, you know you don't want the dog but you sort of feel trapped so you resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be angry and miserable for the rest of the dogs life because you are stuck with it. You took it in and now it is your responsibility to let it stay.

When one gets to that level of acceptance of being miserable it is very hard to understand that one can be happy again. That there is another life out there and I am going to be able to have it. That I don't have to be miserable forever.

I had resigned myself to the acceptance that no matter what I did I was always going to be with Jake and I was always going to be unhappy. I had married him, for better or worse and I had an obligation to stay.

Does any of that make any sense?

So, excuse me if I continue to look over my shoulders or into the bushes for awhile. This new level of carefree, worry less living is just going to take me a minute to adjust to.

Thursday Thoughts

Ok, as is tradition on Thursdays we are going to talk about something that is rambling through my head. Today that something would be falling in love. I know, I know... how cliche. She just announces that she is seeing someone and now she's talking about love.

Would ya hold the rush to judgement for a moment here and hear me out? I have been dating M for a little over three months now. And while I'm not saying I'm in love with him what I am saying is I am beginning to feel a lot like Colbie Caillat's new song:


Colbie Caillat : Fallin' for you

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head


I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

So, my question to all of you who have been out in the real world is how do I know? When did you know you were in love with someone? And more importantly, once you knew, how long did you wait to tell them?

My only experience with relationships is from high school and I'm pretty sure that is not going to help me here. In high school you asked someone out and then you were "going out." Pretty sure that didn't happen here so I'm already in unfamiliar territory. We count how long we've been seeing each other from our first date.

Also, in high school I was in love within the first three weeks and planning the wedding by the end of the first two months. And again... THAT is not happening.... I waited a good 10 weeks to start picking out the wedding dress. (Kidding... MOM... I'm kidding... pick yourself up off the floor.) M has not met Zack yet and won't until we get past these three little words and into a place where we are wanting to have a future together so that's not what I'm asking.

I really just want to hear your stories. How did you know you were in love with someone? Once you knew how long did you wait to tell them? Did you wait for them to tell you first? Once you told them did you expect them to feel the same way?

This is all new to me. Waking up and wanting to spend time with someone. Thinking about them during the day because I want to talk to them, not because I'm worried and need to check up on them. All of this is uncharted territory and so I'm really just wondering how it works for other people in the "real world."

So... spill....

Wordless Wednesday

**You can click on the pictures to make them larger**

Wordy Wednesday

Because we will never... ever... just be quiet again....

I was all ready to put up a few pictures of Zack at the state fair tonight when I got home. And then... as is always the case... life had other plans. On March 14th Zack's life and my life changed forever. At the time I was intentionally vague with the details. Even just putting up the basics got me lambasted from someone who knew us in real life. So, I left out things. Things I didn't want aired here until I was sure what was happening.

And then life happened. We moved on, we created a different life for ourselves and looking back just seemed like a waste of time. However, sometimes the past refuses to stay gone. That was the case this morning.

Before I get to our conversation I think I need to give you the whole story... what really happened that day.

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He was downstairs with Zack when his phone rang. It was a girl but he turned it down really low so I couldn't tell. I already knew and even though I was already set on the divorce hearing it and seeing it right in front of me felt like sticking a dagger in my back.

I was in the process of bringing down his clothes so I brought down the rest of his clothes to the kitchen and told him that perhaps it would be best if someone else supervised visits from now on. He of course claimed they were just friends but became very hostile when I suggested that perhaps I should call her just to make sure she understood that he was still married and had still been asking me to get back together.

Sometime around 3:30 he said he was going to go. I told him that he would upset Zack if he left after 45 minutes and so I told him I would go upstairs. I was on the stairs, on my way up, when the first of the threats started. The first of them being that if I took Zack away he would kill himself and he would take me out with him.

Then came the physical intimidation. He climbed the stairs and got right in my face. At this point Zack was watching everything that was happening and I told him that he was scaring him and to just leave. He got out of my face, went and said goodbye to Zack and I thought it was all over. He was leaving.

Sometime between then and the door he changed his mind. Suddenly out of now where a glass was hurtling towards my head. I ducked and it hit a picture that was behind me. The glass exploded and when I looked up at the bottom of the stairs was Zack. Surrounded by glass shards that started where I was on the stairs and went all the way down the stairs and around his feet.

It was at this point that the mother bear instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of get the f$%^ out of my house. I came off the stairs and towards the kitchen. I had made it to the doorway between the living room and the kitchen when he came back at me again. His fist was out as if he was going to deck me and he was running full speed. All I remember was ducking and when I looked up he was heading for the door again.

I no sooner stood up than a full container of laundry detergent (economy size) was hurtling at my head. I ducked again and it hit the wall above my head and exploded all over the kitchen. Finally after that he was gone.

I locked the door behind him and I called 911.

I know I watched him peel out of the driveway, I know Zack was crying, I know I didn't give 911 my address because I was too upset but they got it anyway. The rest is all a blur.

After I hung up with them I called Miss Jessica. I wanted her husband to come down. They live less than two miles away and I was afraid if he came back to hurt me it would be just me. I figured he could get there before the police. He wasn't home but she came.

After calling her I called my mom. I was crying and could barely get the words out but she knew it was bad and she knew to come. Then I sat down on the couch, held my baby and we cried together.

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That brings us to this morning.....

Me: Zacky, hurry up. We have to leave.

Zack: I got puppy.

Me: Good, now come downstairs please we have to go.

Zack: I'm coming Mommy.

Me: Sit on your bottom please.

Zack: Why?

Me: So you don't fall and bonk your noggin.

Zack: Why?

Me: Because that would hurt if you fell down.

(He is about four stairs down and he sticks his face through the railing and starts to talk... first quietly... then a bit louder)

Zack: Daddy throwed a glass of water.

Me: Yes, he did.

Zack: Daddy is at Grandma Julie's now.

Me: Yes, he is.

Zack: Daddy is at Grandma Julie's because he was bad at our house. He was bad at our house so he stays at Grandma Julie's.

Me: Yes baby. That is where he lives.

Zack: Daddy hit. He hit you in the face.

(I suppose to him, what happened in our kitchen probably did look exactly like Jake hit me in the face because if I wouldn't have ducked that's what would have happened.)

Me: No baby. Daddy didn't hit me. Mommy ducked.

Zack: And... and... and... then you yelled. Daddy was bad at our house. He lives with Grandma Julie.

Me: Yes, mommy yelled because that was not nice and we don't do those things.

Zack: NO!!

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5 1/2 months later and my son can still tell you exactly what happened that day. No one has drilled him. No one has given him details or asked him questions. And until this morning it had been over a month since he had told me this story.

And it still breaks my heart just as much to hear it.

When people talk about victims of domestic violence they often refer to the women. Sometimes they forget the children. I said here that Jake will probably never get what he did to me. Never fully understand it. And I'm ok with that. I have to be to be able to live my life every day.

But what I'm not ok with, what I'm having a much harder time getting over is that he may never fully understand what he did to his son. That just seeing that point on our stairs brings back that memory to him.

He is 2 1/2 years old and he remembers.

And for that reason... I will never be silent again....

Speaking Out

I submitted my story to a website called Violence UnSilenced. There is a two month wait to publish stories but I'm on the waiting list. I'm a bit nervous but excited all at the same time.

I'll put up a link when it is published.

Tuesday Talks

It is 6 am. As soon as my eyes open, my brain starts. This is ALWAYS how it has been for me but obviously I've never been with anyone who's brain works the same way.

M: Where are you going? Didn't you sleep at all?

Me: How are you functioning at this hour? Doesn't your brain ever sleep?

M: Nope

Me: It is exhausting dating someone who's brain works like mine.....

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Discussing the skyscraper ride of DEATH at the fair:

My Dad: Sometimes you just have to live life. Just do it.

M: He's not really helping your cause is he?

Me: You exhaust me.

My Mom: Why? Because you are finally with someone who might actually win in an argument?

Me: Something like that.

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The meeting of the parents went well. I'm not sure what I was expecting. It was just a couple of hours at the fair but a good first start.

My mom's words were he seems nice.

I guess that's all I can ask for. :-)

Aunt Becky's Adventures

Last month dear Aunt Becky went to BlogHer. Unfortunately, she consumed one too many of these:

Passed out and was unable to attend the second day. There by leaving her with WAY too many business cards and no one to give them to. (Ok... so maybe her son got sick and she couldn't go back the second day... details... details....)

Being the kind soles that we are, Miss Katie and I volunteered to take Aunt Becky's business cards around town with us to show them a good time.

First things first, we attended my divorce party. While I look three sheets to the wind in the picture I assure you I was not. (Possibly only two.... What can I say... the water goes straight to my head....)

After the divorce party Becky's business card was just DYING to try riding a Harley so off we went into the sunset.

Since the divorce party the card has just been lounging around my house. Eating chips, drinking beer and generally refusing to pick up after it's self. Until this weekend, when it headed out with Katie and I on its next great adventure:

The Iowa State Fair

We made sure we arrived bright and early so that we could see all of the big items the fair is known for.

First we had to stop for JR mini donuts. Because NO fair experience is complete without a bag of donuts. 23 mini donuts... to be exact... but who is counting.... Of COURSE I didn't eat all of them. I would never be THAT woman... (And moving on....)

Next up on the list was a trip to see the world famous butter cow. Made with approximately 600 lbs of butter which would butter approximately 19,200 slices of toast.

Every year, in addition to the butter cow they also scuplt someting else in butter. There was a large controversey this year when they announced that they wanted it to be Michael Jackson. This controversey eventually lead to an on-line vote in which Michael Jackson was voted out. So instead, we got Neil Armstrong in honor of the 40th anniversary of the moon landing.

After seeing the butter cow Becky's card was so jazzed up about the fair that it wanted to pretend to be a cow. And of course, who are we to turn down such a request:

While it was at it, the card also decided it wanted to have its picture taken in this lovely sign. Ad for milk, or breast feeding ad in disguise.... you be the judge....

The next stop on our tour was to see the big bull. Because really... what trip to the fair is complete without seeing amazingly large livestock? And this one, happened to be the largest bull in state fair history weighing in at 3,378 pounds.

After the bull we mozied on over to see the big boar. We came across this sign in his barn and couldn't pass up the opportunity for another photo moment.

The largest boar was over 1,000 lbs and didn't move much from this position:

Although, I'm not sure he was very amused by the other half of that sign, right next to his pen....

After the bull and the boar we rounded out the card's large animal experience with the largest sheep.

Then it was on to the petting zoo. The card LOVED the camel:

But by far its favorite animal was the Zedonk:

Overall I think the card greatly enjoyed its trip to the Iowa State Fair with Katie and I. It was almost as good as Becky being able to be here in person. (Maybe next year... hint... hint....)

The card would just like to leave you with one final parting message: