Friday, March 20, 2009

Why Blog?

As is the case with most people who blog every month or two I will get a comment from someone, always anonymously amazingly enough, saying how I should keep my dirty laundry to myself and have some respect for the people I'm talking about.

My one for this month came yesterday and while it was not mean, or disrespectful, it did have some points I would like to address. In my case, this comment comes from someone who knows me in real life. I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of who it is since I have a stat counter that tells me where everyone comes from and what time they come here, but if they want to remain anonymous I will let them do so.

They do, however bring up a couple points I would like to address. First and foremost, my son was NOT brought into this world with a "job" to bring my husband an I closer together. No matter what you may think, I HONESTLY thought my husband was clean when we conceived our son. We were the happiest we had ever been, he had a good job with benefits and I thought our lives were going in a very positive direction.

My husband was fired two weeks after I found out I was pregnant for failing to pass a drug test. Too little, too late at that point so we did the best we could with what we had at the time, which apparently was not enough. I will agree with the fact that I was naive, that I knew who he was when I married him, and that I was stupid enough to think I could change him. I will stand up and say I to every bit of that but DON'T bring my son into this. He is the one, most perfect thing, I have ever done in my life and he had then and has now no other "job" than to be a beautiful little boy.

Secondly, I would like to address the tole this has had on Jake's family. I realize that there are people in his family that do not like me airing his dirty laundry on this blog. You being one of them but I have gotten amazingly supportive phone calls and e-mails from his family members and believe me when I tell you what you read here is NOT the entire story.

I realize that some of Jake's family is fairly private. And I have respected that privacy as much as I can in most respects. I did not go into great detail on the blog, I did not share every little thing that was said or done. I stated the basic facts of what happened and quite frankly my motto is, if he didn't want his dirty laundry aired on the blog then perhaps he should make better choices. (And for the record, he has never told me, using or sober, that he doesn't like my blog or that he wants me to take something down.)

When it comes down to it I am airing MY dirty laundry here to but no one seems to care about that. I've never gotten a comment telling me I shouldn't air my dirty laundry. (Maybe it's the cleaner of the two...)

Either way, I want everyone to know that No one... and I do mean NO ONE, thinks that his actions are in any way a reflection on his family. That is something that took me a year to learn in Al-anon. I always thought that people would think badly about me if I told them what he was doing but really, they just think badly of him. Those are his bad choices but never, ever would I say here that they are because he is a bad person.

Jake is a WONDERFUL man and he is a fantastic father, when he is sober and he shows up. I love him with every fiber of my being. He is my addiction and him and I are not good for each other because of that. So we are getting a divorce. But I hope with everything that I am that he gets clean and that he is able to be a part of Zack's life and a part of mine as my friend.

As for blogging all of this. To date I have gotten at least two e-mails and/or comments from random strangers who have found my blog and have been helped by it. Two people who now know that they are not alone. It may seem like a pitty party to you, but it is my way of showing the world that I am human. That this hurts me and that I cry EVERY SINGLE day about this.

It is my way of showing people that this does happen. That it is ok to hurt. It is okay to love someone who has a disease. The supportive comments I got on that post, up until this one at least, have kept me strong. Have helped me to get through this whole week. I reach out to these people because I need them and sometimes they reach back in because they need me too.

This is a network of people that I am not willing to give up and I hope, someday, you can understand that or at least respect it.


Jessica said...

“Anonymous”…..Are you kidding me? You ask Heather to quit airing dirty laundry on her blog about Jake referencing Jake’s family?! While some of Jakes family has been incredible supportive; I don’t see other’s calling, emailing, stopping by, offering to help Heather and/or Zack. It floors me that you can sit back behind a computer and shoot her down when you don’t know the entire story nor are you offering to help (assuming you are Jake’s family) as Jake’s family and if you want to play that card….Zack’s family too.

I have watched actions on behalf of Jakes family tear Heather apart yet she still tries to encourage a relationship for Zack’s sake.
Trust me when I say this…..There are things that have happened between Jake and his family that Heather has chose not to “air”. HUGE things – She honored the promise she made to Jake when she told him she wouldn’t tell even though it ripped her apart. People she thought she could trust, she can’t – People she thought would have their best interest at heart , don’t……this has all been very devastating for everyone involved.

Rather than hiding behind anonymous why don’t you call her and see if she needs help going down this very jagged road?

Thank God she has had Julie and Zack has had “Grandma Julie”. AND Thank God she has Molls and Zack has “aunt Molly”, along with some other outstanding family members! I have to imagine that “losing” Jake will make Heather and Zack need you more than ever before!

Alan_Courtney said...

Amen to what Jessica said. Maybe that person who left the note would like to join you at an Alanon meeting. They should know that Secrets make you Sick!

Heather said...

I totally forgot about that saying. hanks for reminding me.

You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.

kbreints said...

Very well put Jess! I have never understood how people are bold enough to name call and scrutinize a situation, but not bold enough to do the kind thing and ask what they can do to help.

Forget about your blog troll Heather... they are not worth your time and energy right now!

Jennifer B said...

Got to love the judgements that other people pass! Those who are caught up in the disease have made passing judgement an art and a science. Way to go, Heather! You know the truth.

Sarah said...

I have never commented before but read your blog regularly. I have gone down a similar road. I internalized and kept the secrets of how bad it was and that made me not only an enabler but it made me less of a mom. To share and seek out is healthy and it allows one to be a better person and most importantly a better parent. To carry the heavy burden of secret keeping is detrimental to a parent/child relationship. If Jake did not want secrets shared he should have changed his actions. It is not up to Heather to protect Jake anymore, only her son. Even though he has a disease HE IS STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHOICES HE MADE and he can't hide behind the illness excuse nor can anyone around him.
Heather, now is the time to concentrate on getting emotionally healthy and being the best mom you can be to your precious boy. You should not have to worry about how your reaction to all of this makes others feel. You have every right to feel the way you do and to discuss it if that helps you on your path to strength.
Everyone should concentrate on Zack and what will make his life the absolute best it can be. That includes insuring that all family relationships are strong. To judge Heather on what she is or is not doing right now is wrong. Take a step back and realize that the most important in all of this is that little boy.
Even if you married Jake knowing his history and patterns, it does not make your pain any less real and any less validated. We all grow and learn through our life experiences and NO ONE makes perfect choices. At this point in time keep putting one foot in front of the other to move forward. Even if you trip and even if you fall just get up and keep going forward!

Creative Genius? said...

Screw em!!! Really - this is your blog and your right to write about your life. It just so happens to be Jake's too - but tough on him as I agree with you that if he had made better choices your writings would be different.

I do no think that it reflect negatively on his family - we each choose a path in life and Jake has picked his (for the time being) and it has nothing to do with his family and their honor/respectability/etc.

And lastly - it reminds me of my miscarriage in a way.... when I miscarried I wasn't shy about and told people the truth when they asked about me, when i was going to have babies, etc. Even now they comment on how this is my second pregnancy and I tell them that it's my third. Now I realize that this is me and my life (and has nothing to do with my family) - but by sharing our struggles we find out that we are not alone and we help others to realize that they too are not alone. I have found strength in the stories of other women and I have been told they have found strength in mine.

So what I am trying to say is that you are getting and giving something very special from this blog and NO ONE has a right to take that away from you. If they don't like it - I am sure they have you permission to stop reading!

Heather - you are beautiful, strong and amazing... and Zak is very lucky to have you for a mother! Keep on keeping on and I know things are going to start looking up for you!


Anonymous said...

PLEASE don't quit. You give a voice to people, probably LOTS of people, who can't say everything they're feeling. Your blog is like a mirror, showing them everything that is happening to them, and it's showing them how to handle things with grace and brains. You are going to be OK, and NO, OK doesn't mean PERFECT or unbroken, or unscarred. OK just means OK, in whatever form that takes, which is different for each person.

You say you're not brave, but I think you are. You say you're addicted to him. Maybe. Maybe you're addicted to the idea of the perfect love of your life. Maybe that perfect, ideal guy was Jake. Maybe your relationship was just a few steps away from perfect, but you were so close that it felt perfect, even though it wasn't exactly 100% there yet. But it was as wonderful as you could get it to be, which might have been pretty darn great!

But maybe you really have yet to meet that person who can join you in life, bring love and joy to you, and not hurt you.

No, Mr. Wonderful won't be perfect as a man (who is?)...but maybe that perfect loving relationship is out there for you, and you can work together to have it. Maybe you were meant to have 2 (or 3) real loves in your life. Why should you, or anyone, have only one shot at Mr Right? There are so many people in the world. You are someone's perfect, ideal wife. Maybe you have yet to meet him? Don't give up. Don't close your heart. I just mean, don't give up on love or hope or yourself or having a deserve love and support and honesty from your partner.

I know it's too soon to even THINK about this stuff, but you are deserve to have a wonderful, fulfilling life. THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOUR LIFE HAS NOT BEEN WONDERFUL UP TO NOW!!! There have been mindblowing, wonderful days in your life!! (And granted, some crummy ones, also.) But someday, down the road, it can be wonderful again. OK? You're brave, sweet, and smart. Never forget what a gift you are to everyone you know, and those you don't who can see themselves here in this matter to lots of us. You are spectacular!!

Anonymous said...

In my opinion it already was discussed.