Friday, February 29, 2008

Money Matters

Tax refund received: $4,500

Hospital bill for the last five days of Jake's stay that the insurance has conveniently decided NOT to cover: $5,500


Friday, February 22, 2008

Party Questions

Ok ya'll. I need some assvice!! :-)

Jake's one year sobriety birthday is in less than one month (March 21st) and my plan all along has been to throw him a surprise party to celebrate.

So yesterday I was thinking about this party and it dawned on me. So I send out all of these invitations and people come from all over to this shelter house that my parents have and they all stand around in the dark and then they yell SURPRISE and he's shocked and what not and.....


There is a pool table, a shuffleboard table, and pin ball machine as well as two big TV's so that will keep about 10 of the 100 or so people on the guest list entertained. What the hell do I do with the rest of them?

We can't really afford to cater a meal or for that matter serve a whole meal our selves but it seems like if I'm asking people to come over I should be feeding them. Would it be rude to set the party time for like 7:00 so people can eat before?

And if they are not eating then what, per say, are they doing?? Do they come, yell surprise, and then leave?

Thank you in advance for all of your wonderful ideas!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Courageous or Cowardly

Almost every Friday when I attend my Al-anon meeting there is inevitably someone in there who's husband/wife/son/daughter has relapsed. And I will admit, usually the first thing that comes into my mind is thank GOD it wasn't Jake.

Followed quickly by what the hell would I do??

And the short answer is I have no clue.

Before I was with Jake and even when I was going through everything I thought that women stayed with abusive men because they were weak. Then Jake left and I was alone and suddenly I realized that I wasn't weak. I was a strong woman but I was also a scared woman. I had convinced myself that I couldn't keep my life the way it was without him. And you know what... I was right. I wouldn't be able to. But I also know now that it doesn't matter. In fact I can say to you without much hesitation that if I EVER find myself flying through the air or on the wrong end of a loaded shot gun again I will run. I will pack up my son and I will run to Canada or South America if I have to just to make sure that the two of us are safe.

However, a relapse is an entirely different story. A relapse is not necessarily a danger to myself or my son. A relapse can be a growing or a learning experience depending on the severity of the relapse. At the moment I am reading a phenomenal book called the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. I have learned more about myself and the life I find myself in right now in the first 30 pages of this book than I have learned in the entire rest of my 27 years.

In this book it talks about accepting that alcoholism is a disease. A compulsion to drink/use over which the addict has no control. If my husband had a disease and he thought he was better but then he relapsed (I'm not sure what the term is for got the disease back again) and had to go back for more treatments no one would condemn me for sticking by him. In fact I would be looked down upon if I left him because he had to go through treatments again.

This part of the journey has been the hardest for me. In my book it talks about never speaking your mind until you are sure that you know what you are saying is true. For this reason I have been hesitant to blow every little incident out of proportion. I don't want to have to answer to anyone until I know in my mind what I'm going to do. Two weeks ago I drug tested my husband. There was an incident with some money and then another incident where I caught him in a lie and I got scared. The test was negative, obviously, but I didn't really jump to point out to everyone that I had even made him take it in the first place.

The reason being, I didn't know how to answer the inevitable next question. What would you have done if it was positive? Every day on my way home I pass a sign at a local church. It always has catchy phrases on it and last weeks phrase was "Failure is not falling down, it is staying down."

That REALLY hit home with me. If Jake falls is he a failure and I must immediately leave him? For so long I had convinced myself that I was weak if I didn't but reading this book I'm starting to wonder if the people who run aren't really the weak ones.

How much strength it must take to stand by someone as they stumble along their recovery path. Never judging them for a disease that they can not control. All the while treating them with the love and respect that any human being deserves.

Last Friday as yet another woman was crying about her husband I found myself tearing up. What strength she was showing to know that he had fallen and to be brave enough to stand by him. To come to our group and admit this knowing that we would not judge her for a decision that we would never understand unless we were in her position.

After 6 months in Al-anon I'm starting to see the strength these people have and I'm not sure if I were in their position I would have the same strength. If Jake were to realpse I don't know if I would stand by him or if I would run away. Would I be a coward if I stayed or if I ran? I suppose only God knows the answer to that.

I think I'm finally beginning to understand that perhaps the most courageous people are found in the places we least expect to find them.

Friday, February 15, 2008


Somehow I always thought this would be a little farther down the road.

I thought Zack would be older, perhaps want to see the police cars or see if what I say happens really happens but apparently he couldn't wait that long.

Last night, my son called 911.

I'm not quite sure how it happened. He was playing with the phone and must have managed to hit a series of buttons. When I heard the phone the lady on the other end said if you would like to make a call please hang up. So I did.

About 15 minutes later the phone rang. Jake tried to answer it but no one was there. Then about 10 minutes after that the police car pulled into our driveway. (You know if someone was really dying we'd be dead by then.....)

Jake was getting ready to go to his home meeting so he was in a suit and I was in my sweater from work. I'm sure the officer thought we were just getting ready to go out for Valentine's Day. He didn't even come onto the back porch, let alone into the house where we had Zack locked in the dog kennel safely tucked away in his bed.

So, there you have it. We have officially been broken in. And now... the phone gets put up on a higher shelf and we need to get batteries for the one that doesn't work because as far as he's concerned it's not a phone if it doesn't beep. (Please tell me why it is someone can't make a toy phone that actually LOOKS like a real one? They would make a fortune... that and a remote control)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentines Day!!

First Christmas, now Valentines Day...

Two Holidays in a row with gifts that were not only purchased before the day OF but also some thought was put into them.

I think I'm really liking this sober thing....

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire..

I noticed your cat



Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"


Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband


How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you .

I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky, The Carolinas , & West Virginia )


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


When we were together,

You always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise


We have been friends for a very long time..

Let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


So your daughter's a hooker,

And it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

It's really good pay.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Mailing the Thank You's

Two weeks later... possibly three or four... I loose count

We had this discussion over on Gift of Gab about how long it takes to hand write an envelope and whether it is better to hand write or to type them.

Personally I am all about using modern conveniences so I type things when I can but apparently there are some that feel if you can't hand write it don't bother. Really, I'm not up for re-hashing that whole discussion. We did that once.

What I'm saying is I hand wrote them. All 25 of them and then I put them together to bring to work so I could address them. (All my addresses are in excel). And here at work is where they have sat since that point.

My excuses have been I don't have time, I would get busy and then it would be after 5:00 and I would figure that they weren't going out today anyway so I would just address them tomorrow. I would take them home and they would just stare at me as I watched my favorite TV programs or worked on the computer.

Actually, these thank you's and I have become quite good friends and I will be sad to see them go. But going they are. Today, in the mail, if at all possible. And next time, maybe I'll get them out within three weeks instead of four. (Hey you gotta start with small goals...)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Dissolving into a puddle of tears

My sweet little boy had his first bout of separation anxiety this morning. I know it is because he got up at 6:00 and we changed him, dressed him and I walked into the door at daycare at 6:35. He was tired and he wanted some extra cuddle time and he didn't get it.

I'm aware of the logical reasons for him to cry when I go to leave and for him to cling to me like a spider monkey.


It doesn't make it any easier. I had to fight the urge to turn the car around, go back to daycare and just take him home with me.

The. whole. way. to. work.

Only 69 more days of tax season.....

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Obcess Much

I don't like him at all... whatever would give you that idea??

Question of the Day

Is there a lane?

And if so... am I in it??
7 inches of snow on the ground right now. Drifts 3 feet high in my driveway. Three more inches predicted before the snow ends at noon today.


I am so not amused.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Zack or Heather

We are going to play a little game of Zack or Heather. I had to crop out all of the other stuff in the pictures because the decor will give away who is who...


Zack?? Or Heather??
Perhaps he got just a teeny tiny bit of me?? Oh come on... humor me people!!
Not According to Plan


What I did on my Tuesday Morning
By: Heather Hamilton

5:00 - Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep..... SMACK

5:09 - Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep..... SMACK

5:18 - Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep..... SMACK

(As a side note who in the world decided that alarm clocks should go off every 9 minutes?? Why nine?? Why not an even 10?? We've discussed this... odd numbers BOTHER me...)

5:19 - Drag my sorry butt out of bed. Briefly consider grabbing my cell phone (who's alarm goes off at 5:20) and getting back into bed. Decide against it and go downstairs

5:35 - Showered, dressed and standing in the bathroom again brushing my hair, realize that perhaps I might make it there by 6:00 if I just throw my hair half up again. Ta hell with appeareance, it's tax season, I don't need to do my hair EVERY day

5:37 - Go downstairs to feed the cats and realize that while I have asked Jake to clean the litterboxes no less than 5 times in the last three days, he has not, in fact cleaned said litterboxes

5:37 and one half - Debate whether to actually clean them or leave them for him

5:38 - Decide that after a week and a half with no one cleaning them they are beyond cleanable. Tuck my pants into my boots and trudge outside to dump them in the tree line

5:39 - 6:05 - Sit on kitchen floor and scrub out litterboxes. Go through half a roll of paper towels all the while being so greatful that Jess convinced me to move them downstairs so that at least this mess wasn't where Zack could have been playing with it

6:07 - Fill litterboxes with fresh litter and finish getting ready for work. Hair is half dry now so I might as well roll it under with a brush and make it look half way decent

6:13 - Leave for work

The end

You know while I love my husband and I am so glad that he is home with Zack and that he does so well with him I will be SOOO glad when tax season is over and I can get back to my regular life where I can at least fake cleaning. You know... straighten up a little before anyone comes over, move the clutter out of the way before I take a picture, clean the litterboxes once a week whether they need it or not... that sort of thing.... :-)