Thursday, July 28, 2005

Throwing a Hot Dog Down A Hallway

I will steal a phrase from the Jenny McCarthy book I just read to address my next topic. Before I begin, I feel the need to warn you. Up until now I have been pretty "censored" in my writing. I have not wanted to embarrass anyone so I have stuck to pretty neutral topics. Consider yourself warned... this is not one of those topics. I would say this is an R rated, to maybe NC-17 rated topic.

In other words if you have ever told someone that they have provided you with "too much information" now might be a good time to stop reading. I'm not shy, and while I am not going to divuldge "personal" experiences I am going to talk about a pretty personal topic.

Okay... Parental warnings out of the way here we go. Two weeks ago Jake and I were watching a Discovery Health show called Strictly sex with Dr. Drew. On this show they were talking about a new surgery that they are performing called vaginal rejuvination surgery. (Also known as Vaginoplasty, or Colorrhaphy)

Am I the only person in the world that had NO idea this existed? Okay, at the time I just assumed this was something experimental or new age until I read about it again in Jenny McCarthy's book. She referred to her husbands fear that after she had a baby it would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Apparently some women just don't feel that their "hallway" is narrow enough. Or maybe the problem is that their husband has one of those skinny little bun length hotdogs instead of a ballpark plumper. Either way... they feel an "adjustment" of sorts in necessary.

Now doing a google search for this topic got me to a couple of different places. First of all there are the places that list this as a procedure for women who have experienced "vaginal looseness" from childbearing, trauma, or aging. They stress that this is a repair surgery for a perfectly normal condition and they can help to restore you to a normal size. (What exactly is a normal size? Do they have a tool that measures this?)

Then there is the Laser Vaginal Rejuvination Institute of Michigan. Holy Hell!! There is an entire institute devoted to something I didn't even know existed until two weeks ago. Their motto is that they "empower women with knowledge, choice, and alternatives." Sounds so professional doesn't it? There is even a picture for your viewing pleasure. I will let you go to the site and experience that one on your own. They advertise that they can create a tight hallway for any woman to enhance her sexual gratification. (I told you this was not G rated!)

If that isn't enough... they also have a procedure called designer laser vaginoplasty where they can create for you, for a low low price a designer vulva, (they describe it as something a Playboy Playmate would have) and new improved inner vaginal lips!! So now, not only can you have surgery to look like a Playmate on the top but you can also have surgery to look like a Playmate on the underside!!

I don't know about you but I think this might be going a little far. From most of the women I've talked to having one or two children "naturally" has not destroyed their hallway, nor have their husbands been disappointed enough to complain. Hell after birthing a child down that hallway they should be lucky you even let them enter it at all!!

Not to mention the myriad of problems that could arise from doing "elective" surgery to this area of your body. Elective surgery on your chest is one thing. If they cut a nerve, yes it would be damaging, but you can get by without feeling your boob. However, could you go the rest of your life without feeling your hallway?? Are you prepared to be the star of the next article entitled "Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery Destroyed my Orgasm!"? I know I'm not!!

Belly Laughs

Yesterday I read a book by Jenny McCarthy called Belly Laughs. The book is advertised as the naked truth about pregnancy and childbirth. As most of you know, my sister-in-law is pregnant. As I was asking her questions about her pregnancy she mentioned that I should just read this book.

So, I purchased this book, along with her other book, Baby Laughs, the naked truth about the first year of mommyhood off of First of all, I must say I was VERY disappointed. Molly is 21 and has a totally different view of the world than I do, so I suppose I should have expected that what she finds phenomenal, I might not enjoy as much.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are some mildly amusing parts to this book. Like when she explains how her husband voiced his "concerns" about sex after the baby. He didn't want it to be "like throwing a hot dog down a hallway." Yes, I laughed at that. But in great part the book is filled with two page chapters about various parts of pregnancy and her experience. They do not seem to flow together in any order and over all, I didn't really learn ANYTHING I didn't already know.

Some of you who know me, and know Molly, are reading this thinking what did you expect? You and Molly are NOTHING alike. And now, having read this, I know it's true. I hate to be stereotypical but this book reads exactly like I would expect it to, knowing who Jenny McCarthy is and what she has done for a career for the vast majority of her life.

I guess my main point is, if someone tells you to read this book, please, don't go out and buy it. I read the entire thing in one day and would not at all be sad to part with it. You can have mine!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Today is one of these days..
With perhaps a little of this mixed in....

I have been struggling for something to write about all morning and have come to the conclusion that today just might not be my day.

This morning I had a mild OCD moment where I decided my life could not continue unless I swept my floors. Right then and there I had to get rid of the dog and cat fur that builds up in the corners of our wood floor faster than Jack scarfs down his dog food. So, consequently I did not arrive at work until 8:30 this morning.

Since I was late, and am now STARVING at 11:00, taking a half hour lunch to make up for it is probably not in the cards. Therefore, I should probably make the most of the time I am actually at work by working. (Novel concept huh?) I will try my best to think of something incredibly witty to write about tomorrow!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Chocolate IV

Do you think I could invent such a thing? I could just hook myself up and infuse my blood with chocolate goodness. Of course I don't think there is enough chocolate in the WORLD to make me feel better today. Flo is trotting down the block singing her marry tune and I am not at all ready to welcome her in!!

Everything today is just grating on me. I need an office where I can just go in and close the door!! As it is every time someone merrily walks past me I just want to turn around and rip their head off. Can't you walk SOMEWHERE ELSE?? Do you REALLY need to go down this particular hallway for the 10th time today?? Huh? Do you?

Any minute now my head may begin to spin around wildly and my eyes may begin flashing green!! So I am apologizing in advance to anyone whose head I may rip off and flail across the room! Excuse me now... I have to go find more chocolate.

Drinking fountain

I will admit it... our cats are SPOILED!! Instead of drinking out of a water dish, they have what we refer to as the "kitty fountain."

As you can see, it is essentially a water purification system for cats. Now, in our defense, I bought this for Lex when I was in college, so if you hear us talk about being poor know that this was not a recent purchase.

That said, our cats seem to really enjoy it. Lex drinks with his feet (we've been told that is a characteristic of Maine Coon cats which he might be). Pixie prefers to get her tongue right up to the spout where the water is coming out, which makes her the noisiest of the three.

And Sylvester? Well why would he want to drink out of the kitty fountain when he could do this:

This morning when I got up I found him, where else, in the bathtub. Only this time he was staring up and I couldn't figure out what he was doing. Then a drip fell from the washcloth we hang from the shower head. Apparently he couldn't get any water out of the spout and was resigning himself to waiting for drops from the washcloth.

In the bathtub he is a full 10 to 15 feet away from the kitty fountain. Don't you think it would have been easier to drink out of that then to wait for drips from the washcloth?

Monday, July 25, 2005

Shocking for Worms?

Maybe I am out of the loop... but I had NO idea that people did this!!

Two people die in two days when they tried to use electricity to shock worms out of the ground.

My next question becomes who would let their five year old stick an electrical device into the wet ground to bring worms to the surface? He was five... wouldn't a shovel have been more appropriate??

Mall of America

This weekend Danette and I thought it would be a lot of fun to cart two kids clear to Minnesota to walk around the Mega Mall. Overall, it was a decent trip. Emma only threw herself on the floor twice, (she's three) and Bryce was relatively happy the whole time.

We left at 9:30 and packed everything but formula. So, we stopped at her brother's house on the way up to use the bathrooms and then at Babies R Us to pick up formula. By the time we arrived at the mall it was 2:00 and neither of the kids had eaten and Emma had not taken a nap.

We quickly scuttled to Pizza Hut and ate. Pizza Hut, however, is located in Camp Snoopy and looking back, we should have just stayed there. All Emma talked about the entire day was Camp Snoopy and the air jump that she wanted to do. I think if we would have just let her jump first thing we might have had a quieter day!!

After lunch we walked around for a little while and then stumbled upon the Aquarium. As we were waiting in line Emma was talking about all the animals we were going to see. Most of what she mentioned were sea horses, and other fish, but I think one of her favorites right away were the turtles.
In the Aquarium after you walk through a fake woods you go into the underwater tunnel. I do have to say of all the underwater tunnels I have been in this one is on the top of my list. It is REALLY long and has 4 different types of ecosystems. Minnesota, Mississippi, Tropical, and Sharks (Ocean). This was by far Bryce's favorite part.

After the underwater tunnel Emma got to make a shark tooth necklace and color a picture of a shark.

The next highlight of the day for the kids was Lego land. Notice, Bryce seems confused by the legos. No one explained to him that they weren't his mid afternoon snack.

Our final Adventure of the day involved a dinosaur exhibit. We were unsure whether the kids would be scared or not but Emma assured us that she would be fine so we went in.Looks like they are enthused right? What you don't see is that they are not pointing to the dinosaurs but instead to the Ferris wheel that is in Camp Snoopy. While they thought the dinosaurs were okay, they were far more interested in the bright lights and rides.

There was a part in the exhibit where you could dig for fossils. Since Bryce has never seen sand, I think this was one of his favorite parts.

We stayed there and let the kids play for several minutes before we moved on.Here are two of the kids next to the "not so scary dinosaurs"
All in all, it was a decent day, but I think if we were to EVER consider it again I would insist on a two day trip!! Both Danette and I were wiped out yesterday. The kids of course both fell asleep in the car on the way home and were up and raring to go by 7:00.

Friday, July 22, 2005

She Does Exist

Pixie... the cat that 95% of you probably don't even know we own. Normally she just hangs out upstairs in the spare bedroom, but lately, she's been coming downstairs more. Do you think it could have anything to do with the fact that I've cut back their food?

When we took them to the vet a couple of months ago I was told that my kitties were "pleasingly plump" and I might want to do something about that. So, I cut back their food. Pixie used to come downstairs and eat at night when no one was around but now, if she waits that long this is what she will find....

Notice the lack of food in that dish and the EVIL look Sylvester is giving me? This picture was taken at 9:30 at night after he had moved the dish away from the wall to make sure he got EVERY last crumb from in and around the dish. So, if Pixie doesn't eat during the day, chances are... she's not going to get to eat at all!

Thursday, July 21, 2005


I was all set to post a couple of picutres of Sylvester when I came in this morning. Then, walking through the skywalk I passed a TV that was talking about this:

Two weeks to the day after the first bombings in England three London Underground stations have been evacuated following reports of incidents of trains. This just seems un-imaginable to me that it is happening in London.

Almost four weeks ago my sister-in-law returned from a three year stay on an airforce base about two hours away from London. I guess when I think of England, I think of a place much like the United States. (And no... it's not just because they speak English) I realize that they have a queen, but I still think of it as a mostly democratic country, much different than Iraq and Afghanistan. These are the places that you think of bombings and terror, not England.

It really makes you think, could something like that happen here? I know that is what the terrorists want, to make people afraid, but I still can't help but think about it. My thoughts and prayers are with all of those people over there. No one should have to go through this.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Guard Dog

Halt!! Who Goes There??
This is Squeak. I know, she doesn't look like a dog, think of her as a smaller bread. Please don't break her heart and tell her she is not a dog. When we are outside, she follows us EVERYWHERE. Then, every night she lays on the back step and guards the house.

Last night we were awakened to what sounded like our entire front yard blowing up. At exactly 3:38 am I sat straight up in bed and to the sound of boom, boom, boom, boom!! We had our blinds drawn but could see flashes of light through the shade. I didn't know if someone was shooting at the house or if the transformer had blown up.

Jake, Jake... someone is outside!! He jumped up and opened the blinds only to see nothing. At this point I thought maybe I had imagined it. Maybe it was a highly vivid dream. About that time, it happened again, a little further down the road. Apparently some kids (I'm assuming kids but for all I know it was some drunk adults, or just really immature adults) decided that it would be really fun to light some Black Cats and throw them out the car window as they drove by.

We were not NEARLY as amused as they were!! Of course Jake says to me, should we chase them down? Yeah hunny, that's just what I want to do at 3:38 in the morning. Did I mention it was THREE freaking THIRTY EIGHT in the morning!! Since I was up I decided to go downstairs and use the facilities.

At the bottom of the stairs I looked out the window onto the back porch, and there was Squeak, lying on the porch staring out towards the back door. She was perfectly poised, perfectly awake and didn't appear to be frightened in any way. She was just lying there, guarding her family from the attack of the firework kids.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Spoiled Animals

What a rough life I lead!!

Excuse me... you're disrupting my nap!!

For those of you who aren't familiar... this is Lex. He is one of our three indoor cats. He is, without a doubt, my baby. I got him first, and he was a rescue kitty from the Animal Rescue League. Granted, he has his quirks, like he talks... A LOT!! But then again, so do I... maybe that's why we get along so well.

Lately, I have been either talking to, or hearing about people who get rid of their animals after they have children and/or treat them differently. I have been AMAZED at the number of people who have asked what we are going to do with our cats and dogs once we have kids. While I don't have human children, I do have animal children (you are looking at one right above.) I can not imagine treating my animals any differently or getting rid of them when I have kids.

When I was a baby my cat Mouse slept in the crib with me. (No, not the one from the picture a few days ago, that would make one REALLY old cat, but that is where I got the name.) Whenever we decide to have children, I will invest in a crib tent for when the baby is really little. I don't think my cats would purposely hurt a baby, but I would not put it past Sylvester to lay on his or her head to keep warm.

That said, once the baby is old enough to roll over and push the cat off if they don't want it there, the crib tent will be gone. A little fur never hurt me as a child, and I don't know why my children should be any different. I have many fond memories of growing up with animals and I hope that one day, my children will have the same.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Jeep for sale??

Lately I have been contemplating selling my jeep. The problem I'm running into though is that I like my jeep. If I were to sell it I would want to replace it with another jeep. I've been digging through used car sections of the dealers websites and have yet to find a suitable replacement. The ones I like, even the ones that are 4 years older are not THAT much less expensive. It seems like a lot of hassle to trade it in and only save $50 per month, not to mention extend my payments another 12 months!!

Ah, the great learning experiences of life. If I could go back and get my old jeep I would. It was a 2002, there was NOTHING wrong with it... and best of all... it would have been paid off it February of 2007. Now I'm stuck with a Jeep that will not be paid off until August of 2009. Next time you all hear me saying, man I think I might get a new vehicle... please smack me. I give you permission!!

For now, I guess I am just stuck with the one I have. With the Iowa winter road conditions I'm not willing to trade down to a car (especially since we have a tendency not to plow our driveway unless there is at least 5 inches of snow). I don't like the old body style of the jeep so that leaves me with 1999 or newer or switching to a different type of SUV. Is there any type of SUV that is better? I have been incredibly happy with all of our jeeps and hate to get something else and be disappointed.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just rewind our lives and give ourselves a good smack every once in awhile? Hey idiot... don't do that... you will regret it later!!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Hot Enough?

Mouse, lying on the back porch last night

The only thing we don't understand is why she didn't just go outside and lay under a shade tree? It would have been SO much cooler than lying on the back porch. Of course, it was 7:00, and I hadn't yet fed her dinner, so she wouldn't want to get TOO far away from the food dish since she is so skinny and may not have the strength to make it back!!

Omaha Zoo

On July 2nd Jake and I went to the Omaha Zoo with Matt, Danette, Emma, & Bryce. After we got home, I was looking through my pictures and noticed that ALL of the pictures are of animals. I think I have two of Emma and one of Bryce, but other than that, just animals. It didn't really occur to me at the zoo as I was taking their family picture and watching Danette shoot frame after frame of the kids that I was not doing the same. However, looking back I've come to realize that having kids must change the way you look at photography. Suddenly the attraction, in this case the zoo, is not so important as capturing your childrens reaction to the attraction. Hopefully I will acquire this skill when we do have children so that I can get more than just pictures of a bunch of animals. For now, click on the picture below and it will take you to a website where you can view a slide show of the animals. Excuse me if I have mislabled any of them. I have about 10 pictures of different monkeys and I couldnt tell you which one was which so they have names like, white monkey, etc.!! :-)

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Fake Abs

Last night on Inside Edition they had a story about the new rage, airbrushing on fake abs.
Apparently they can airbrush your stomach to make it look like you have a six pack even if you don't.

While I had never heard of this before.... if you do a search on google for fake abs the first story you will find is about Miriah Carey and how she....apparently drew on fake abs before performing in the Macy's 4th of July Spectacular.

My only question is.... do you think they could do him??

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Is that really necessary?

Today, my mother-in-law, who apparently as I have just found out, doesn't like me very much wrote me some REALLY hurtful things in an e-mail. Most of her attacks were on me as a person, and my only thinking is... is it really necessary to tear someone down to make a point? Why do people do that? It is perfectly acceptable not to agree with someone, I do it all the time. However, there is NO reason to degrade someone in the process. It is just fine to say "Heather, I think you are a little controlling and sometimes you need to lay off a bit." However to attack me as a person and to say "You're a control freak, always trying to control everybody and everything! I'm tired of you always trying to make Jake out to be a second class citizen and act as if he is inferior to you and your family. You put him down every chance you can (in front of people)!" is just mean and nasty.

If you don't like the way I'm acting tell me... but DON'T attack me as a person!! And more importantly, if you have not had a conversation with me in a year and four months and have not seen your son, or me, in that same year and four months... butt the HELL out!! How do you know anything about our relationship when you have not been around??

Just a thought. :-)