Thursday, July 28, 2005

Throwing a Hot Dog Down A Hallway

I will steal a phrase from the Jenny McCarthy book I just read to address my next topic. Before I begin, I feel the need to warn you. Up until now I have been pretty "censored" in my writing. I have not wanted to embarrass anyone so I have stuck to pretty neutral topics. Consider yourself warned... this is not one of those topics. I would say this is an R rated, to maybe NC-17 rated topic.

In other words if you have ever told someone that they have provided you with "too much information" now might be a good time to stop reading. I'm not shy, and while I am not going to divuldge "personal" experiences I am going to talk about a pretty personal topic.

Okay... Parental warnings out of the way here we go. Two weeks ago Jake and I were watching a Discovery Health show called Strictly sex with Dr. Drew. On this show they were talking about a new surgery that they are performing called vaginal rejuvination surgery. (Also known as Vaginoplasty, or Colorrhaphy)

Am I the only person in the world that had NO idea this existed? Okay, at the time I just assumed this was something experimental or new age until I read about it again in Jenny McCarthy's book. She referred to her husbands fear that after she had a baby it would be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Apparently some women just don't feel that their "hallway" is narrow enough. Or maybe the problem is that their husband has one of those skinny little bun length hotdogs instead of a ballpark plumper. Either way... they feel an "adjustment" of sorts in necessary.

Now doing a google search for this topic got me to a couple of different places. First of all there are the places that list this as a procedure for women who have experienced "vaginal looseness" from childbearing, trauma, or aging. They stress that this is a repair surgery for a perfectly normal condition and they can help to restore you to a normal size. (What exactly is a normal size? Do they have a tool that measures this?)

Then there is the Laser Vaginal Rejuvination Institute of Michigan. Holy Hell!! There is an entire institute devoted to something I didn't even know existed until two weeks ago. Their motto is that they "empower women with knowledge, choice, and alternatives." Sounds so professional doesn't it? There is even a picture for your viewing pleasure. I will let you go to the site and experience that one on your own. They advertise that they can create a tight hallway for any woman to enhance her sexual gratification. (I told you this was not G rated!)

If that isn't enough... they also have a procedure called designer laser vaginoplasty where they can create for you, for a low low price a designer vulva, (they describe it as something a Playboy Playmate would have) and new improved inner vaginal lips!! So now, not only can you have surgery to look like a Playmate on the top but you can also have surgery to look like a Playmate on the underside!!

I don't know about you but I think this might be going a little far. From most of the women I've talked to having one or two children "naturally" has not destroyed their hallway, nor have their husbands been disappointed enough to complain. Hell after birthing a child down that hallway they should be lucky you even let them enter it at all!!

Not to mention the myriad of problems that could arise from doing "elective" surgery to this area of your body. Elective surgery on your chest is one thing. If they cut a nerve, yes it would be damaging, but you can get by without feeling your boob. However, could you go the rest of your life without feeling your hallway?? Are you prepared to be the star of the next article entitled "Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery Destroyed my Orgasm!"? I know I'm not!!


kreints said...

NOW that is worht a good belly laugh!!!!

kreints said...

**Worth** - see I am laughing so hard I cannot type!

Jess Olson said...

So are you/they telling me to go for the C-Section method? Cut my belly to hell but keep my hallway clean and organized.