Thursday, March 19, 2009

Hole in My Sidewalk

I was given a copy of this at my last counseling appointment and I have been meaning to put it up ever since. People... THIS is my life....

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street

- There's a Hole in My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Portia Nelson


kbreints said...

Yes. Yes. SO glad that you are walking down a different street!!! It is about time!!!

darkship said...


Jessica said...

I am glad you are exploring your journey and have started down the road.

On a somewhat related side note….
I wish I could find the words to explain to you everything your son may feel as an addict’s son; everything you are learning now as an addict’s wife. As sure as I am I can’t change for better or for worse the relationship between you and Spike, is as sure as I know you can’t change the relationship between Jake and his son; for better or for worse.

The only person who can do that at this point in time is Jake. If the relationship isn’t salvaged by Jake soon, before too many years that responsibility to save their relationship will be Zack’s.

Everyone keeps mentioning: Jakes a good father (when he’s clean), Jake loves his son and wants to be with him (when he’s clean) but the truth of the matter is….he isn’t and as I have heard you say before ‘I can’t live my life on “what if’s”’. I know Jake loves his son but even when he was clean you carried 90% of the parent load. Please don’t misconstrue what I am saying….I am not talking about this to put Jake in a negative light, I am saying this for Spike and in a sense….myself. Some people despite their love for their children are not capable of being a parent.

Right now you are Spike’s everything, you can make a lot of mistakes before Spike will question you or worse yet have to forgive you. Jake is not in that same relationship, the smallest negative things could shake his world. Not visiting when he says he will, not staying long, fighting with mommy, yelling, etc.
The reason I am telling you this is because the load you are carrying is heavy enough, you can’t take on the burden of their relationship too. As heartbroken as you are about it and as much as you want to help it and fix it you can’t which is probably the hardest thing for you having yet one more thing out of your control.

My mother didn’t encourage or discourage a relationship with my biological father; by the age of four I didn’t want anything to do with him. I don’t know if she was ever sad for me because I didn’t have a “father”, but she worked like hell to love me enough and be all that I needed that is for sure. She did encourage a relationship between me and my paternal family but only with those who wanted to see me. I am forever grateful for this.
AND when I was old enough…..she never could have predicted when I was two what I would feel as a pre-teen, teen, and adult.

Having walked in Spike’s path thus far…It tears me apart watching you beat yourself up over something I know you can’t change. Trying so hard – to save the relationship between Jake and Zack that you could potentially jeopardize your own. It’s absolutely heartbreaking!

Zack is very lucky to have you as his mommy, your parents as almost second loving parents (as my grandparents were to me), Jake’s mom-the son rises and sets with her grandchildren you can see it in her eyes, his aunts/uncles, all the family on all sides. He is VERY lucky as are you!

Anonymous said...

jess i am offended by this in so many ways...i'm sure you do not have any children or you would not make many of these comments...shame on you, I hope you don't lead heather down a path where you assume you know what Spike is feeling.
Spike IS loved by BOTH his parents and I hope no one is influencing him in any other way or making any derogatory comments about his father around him. he will make his own decisions as he ages based on his parents actions with/toward him - Love is an action word.
God is our only Judge. who is to say where heather, jake, or spike will be in 6 months.
heather, you are going to hav to come to a point in your life where you wake up everyday and carry on focusing on being spike's Mom & Caregiver. sometimes under these circumstances it makes life easier as a human/mom/wife to think of your husband, Who Is spike's father, as missing & dead, after all he is not Jake right now that man is order to function and deal with the heartache, anger, confusion, dissapointmet, grief-sorry for the rambling.
heather i will pray for you to be able to wake up everyday and focus on being spike's mom & caregiver(you need to give jake up to the Lord right now & pray for him) & i will pray for jake that he may be able to get rid of the evil in his life & his friends.that he makes only good choices so he can be the good man he needs to be as spike's father & your husband.
God said he would never give us any more than we can handle, the situations in our lives he has given us to endure are only to make us stronger & rely on Him. -so stay strong girl!
1 Corinthians 13:7-8 Love always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love Never Fails.

Heather said...

Lest you think we are all sitting around gossiping about Jake and filling Zack's head with nonsence we are not.

Jess is the first person to say, Zack does not need to hear any of this. She was the one to volunteer to come and take him upstairs last night when DHS came over and the one to remind me that while he is only two he does pick up on everything I say and he doesn't need to hear me rehash the story 20 times.

Believe me when I tell you, what Zack knows is that his daddy loves him very much but that he did something naughty and has to go to time out for awhile. I have never and will NEVER tell him anything bad about how Jake feels about him. I want nothing more than for them to have a great relationship.