Ok, so perhaps not quite as bluntly as the title suggests but hey, I got you to read didn't I? So, what I really want to discuss here today, turn on's and more pressing to me at this moment turn off's.
Mom, perhaps now is the time to scroll on over to some other website. Nothing to see here....
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Is she gone now?
Alright, so what I have been struggling with, finding my husband sexy. I have been married to the man for almost 5 years and I have known him for almost 12 years. Somewhere in that time we have both let ourselves go a little.
Now I'm not talking in the weight department because really, who doesn't let themselves go there? What I'm talking about is in other areas. There seem to be less and less "private" items in our marriage.
Let me give you an example, I'm a very private person when it comes to my bathroom habits. I don't announce to him that I am going to the bathroom to go #2. I simply excuse myself and say that I need to use the restroom. If in 5 minutes I'm not back I figure he gets the general idea. If he comes and knocks on the door and asks if I'm alright in there it MORTIFIES me!! Seriously... SO embarrassing!!
However, he seems to think it is perfectly fine to announce these things to me. And not even in a dainty manner. Usually more along the lines of I have to go take a cr@p or a sh!t or something equally classy. Also there is the farting. The lifting your butt and pushing it out farting. YUCK and GROSS!!
Up until about a month or so ago I sort of just let this go. Then Jess put a post up on Gift of Gab about getting in a rut with your spouse. #7 on this Rut list was being too close to your partner can be bad and suddenly it dawned on me. I don't HAVE to be ok with it.
As much as you think burping, scratching, picking, or farting is funny or cute, it can backfire and cross the line. It may be a reflection of your closeness, but there should be a limit. Otherwise, you're leaving your partner with a very unsexy image of you. How to stop: Start a new rule. If you wouldn't do it in front of your work friends, don't do it in front of your honey. To get your mate to refrain, say: "I know we're close, and we can share everything, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave the room, or leave me out, when you do that. It's not very sexy, and I don't want anything that makes you less sexy to me."
Reading this really made me think about what a turn off it was for me when he did these things. Most of the time when we are intimate it is in the evenings and after I have just been in a car with him and he has been farting or talking vulgar the last thing I want to do is go home and jump into bed with him.
So I have tried the advice. I very politely mentioned to him that I did not feel that it was appropriate to do those things or talk like that in front of me. That it really bothered me and it made him less sexy to me.
I don't think he's getting it. I had to remind him AGAIN last night in the car for perhaps the 20th time in what... oh say 2 1/2 weeks?? Really, I know that it will take time for him to understand this but I'm a wants results right away kind of girl. I want to get that "mystery" back about my husband and it is really hard to find him mysterious when I am privy to ALL of the things that should be private.
So, what do you suggest? What things turn you off about your spouse/significant and how do you deal with them? On the other side what things does your spouse/significant other do that make you want to just drag them into the other room right then and there?
We need to lighten it up around here after that last post and I'm counting on all of you to do it. Don't let me down!! :-)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Helping Someone Who Can't Help Themselves
As with most of the time this blog goes quiet I am either really busy at work or really deep in thought thinking about something I want to write. This week it is a little of both.
Before I post this I just want to give you a brief disclaimer. I do not claim to speak for all women in my situation. Sometimes when I write I refer to us as a group but I can only give you reasoning for my actions and my thoughts and feelings and no one else's. So please, if you have been in this situation and your experience was different from mine feel free to leave me a comment.
Moving on, a week ago my friend Jess wrote a post on Gift of Gab about staying in a marriage. Well, the point of her post was more about using your vows as an excuse not to get out of a marriage but it got a little off that topic in the comments.
As anyone who has known me a while or been reading here a while knows this is a hot button issue for me. I am one of the women who stayed. One of the ones who has been close to hell and back a few times and still said the I Love You's and played the part of the happy wife.
During the commenting stage of the posting an anonymous commenter asked me:
Is there anything someone could've said to you that would've opened your eyes sooner to the situation you were in to try to handle it sooner than you did?
I told that person that I would think about it and write a post here. (Or rather I posted a comment to that affect since I don't know who they are I'm just hoping they stop back by) And think about it I have. For one solid week I have thought about it and dreamed about it and cried about it.
What no one tells you right away is that when you are in a situation like this you do not necessarily process all of your feelings and emotions at that time. In fact it takes people asking questions like this and me really taking a hard look at things for me to really feel a lot of the things I should have felt back then. Even today with all I have told people and all I have written here I am not sure that there is anyone besides me who really knows my whole story. This makes it hard to truly answer this question without giving a little bit of background detail so excuse me if this post rambles a bit.
As for the question, I have come to one and only one conclusion.
No. Not if I didn't want out.
Every scenario that I came up with had me, playing the role in an opposite scenario. I was away from Jake at one point for four months. I left, he left, but we never stayed gone. There was something in my brain that just didn't "get it" so to speak. People told me he's doing drugs, I made excuses. People told me he's cheating, I made excuses. I found out for sure he was cheating and we broke up but he always said how sorry he was and I always believed him.
I can't put into words eloquently enough the way it feels to need someone. Or think that you need them but for me this is what it was for us. Something inside of me felt like he was a good person and that he needed me to help him and I needed him to make me whole. Somewhere, some how my thinking became so distorted that I didn't see the relationship for what it was, instead I saw it for what I thought it could be.
So, short of duck taping my hands and feet, throwing me in a car truck and locking me away for 6 months, I'm not sure there was anything anyone could have done. It is a lot like what was done with Jake. He was addicted to drugs and we had to put him in handcuffs and lock him up for six months. I was addicted to him and the only way I would have really been able to escape the relationship was to be away from it and start to find myself.
However, it is really hard to get away from it when it is all you know. I had locked myself in my own prison where no one knew what was going on in our lives so I didn't have anyone I could turn to for help. When I tried to mention little things to people around me they blew me off. I was over reacting, I needed to lighten up. They said these things because they didn't know the whole story. They didn't know the whole story because if they had they may have just locked me in that car trunk.
Which dives us head on into the real question: why? Why would someone stay? Unfortunately that one is much harder to answer.
Another Anonymous poster suggested that it was fear:
If you've never been there, it's hard to discribe. For some women, they're afraid to leave. Flat out. Some women are afraid they'll be killed.
This, is a very real reason why some women stay but for me, the fear was not necessarily of him injuring ME so much as it was that if I called 911 he would be arrested. If he was arrested someone would have to bail him out of jail and most likely that someone would be me. I knew myself well enough to know that I might be really mad at him at the moment, even a little scared of him, but in the end, I would forgive him. In spite of myself and then I would be mad that I had to pay court costs and lawyer fees so I just didn't go there. (I told you... distorted thinking.)
Intuitively I know that he could hurt me, I'm not stupid. I even started a journal that I kept on my computer. I would write down all of the things that happened, all of the things I couldn't tell anyone else. In the back of my mind I was thinking that if he killed me perhaps someone like my mom or my boss would find it and read it and realize that whatever happened might in some way be his fault.
I'm sure at this moment you are thinking if you knew this why didn't you just leave? I don't know. Even now, I don't. Somehow when you are in that situation you don't tend to feel the fear. It has been almost 18 months since Jake got clean and I am just NOW starting to really feel it. I have been up for the past week with nightmares of being chased and running from something. The fear that I feel in those dreams is greater than anything that I ever felt in all the times that my life was truly in danger. Sometimes when you are in it so far your emotions sort of shut down.
I think in a lot of ways fear is a reaction to something that you think might happen. You're afraid of heights because you know you could fall, you're afraid of spiders because you know they could bite you. With me, in that moment, I didn't feel any fear because I didn't REALLY know what could have happened. Now, when I think about it, especially the parts about Zack I am overcome with fear and emotion. Now I KNOW what could have happened and it scares me to death. But when you are in it, you are just as sick as they are and you tend to feel nothing, just numbness.
That same Anonymous person also suggested that perhaps people stayed for love:
Some, and this is the hard one, seriously no matter what love their husbands. You'll never believe what you're about to hear-- I too have a cousin who literally gets beaten constantly. [......] When I was young, he was arrested 6 times in one year for abuse. She always dropped the charges the next day because she missed him, loved him, and wanted her home. [....]
I think this is a REALLY common misunderstanding between those of us who are in this situation and those of you who are not. It is not love, it is a distorted type of loyalty. When you are in the situation it is easy to say, but I love him. But deep down inside we know it is not love. At least not what we see as love on TV. Perhaps, if the woman was abused as a child this is the only type of "love" she knows. But it is still not love. As I was flying across the room or being tackled on the front lawn or staring down the barrel of a shotgun I knew it was not what love was supposed to be.
Yet, I stayed. And if anyone were to ask me, I probably would have told them that I loved him. Really, I just didn't know anything BUT him. Some men take control of women and some women just give the control to the men but either way it is a need I seemed to have for him. Something inside me that just wouldn't let me let go. Something that kept convincing me that he loved me, that he would get better, that things would be different this time because he promised that they would be.
All of this and more are the reasons that women stay. For me, my thinking became distorted. I did CRAZY things and got sucked so far into his disease that I became just as sick as he was. In a way I was addicted to that life and to him and I needed help, even though at the time I would have told you just the opposite.
It is very had to know what to tell people when they want to help someone in this situation because the truth is that unless they want your help offering it to them over and over will just cause them to shut you out. Really the best thing you can do is listen and DON'T be judgemental. I would have defended Jake to the moon and back and come up with a million and one excuses for him. I didn't tell people about what was going on because I knew that they would try to tell me how to handle it and I didn't want that. I just wanted someone to listen.
I wanted to be able to tell them this is how it is in my house and it really sucks and NOT have to listen to them tell me than get out. Why don't you leave him? Here's a pamphlet for whatever they can help you... etc.
I was also afraid that if I told them the truth that they would be mad at him. If they were mad at him then they wouldn't want to do anything with us and then I would REALLY be stuck alone in my own little prison. I think that is a HUGE mistake that people make. They stop talking to the woman or the man because of what is going on. In affect that cuts her off even more and gives her an even less chance of getting out because she has no one to call for help and no where to go.
So after all of that rambling I guess perhaps I have come to my answer.
What could someone have said or done for me that would have opened my eyes sooner? Listened and not given advice and not judged. Shown up, even though they were not happy with the choices in my life. Never given up on me because I stayed.
In the end, I didn't give the people in my life the choice to do these things because I didn't tell them what was going on. I was afraid of how they would react and so I just shut them out. But if you know someone in a situation like this and they let you in to their life, please know that they stay because they are sick and someday they might feel like getting better and when that day comes they will need you more than you can ever imagine. So as hard as it is, just listen and be there for them.
Before I post this I just want to give you a brief disclaimer. I do not claim to speak for all women in my situation. Sometimes when I write I refer to us as a group but I can only give you reasoning for my actions and my thoughts and feelings and no one else's. So please, if you have been in this situation and your experience was different from mine feel free to leave me a comment.
Moving on, a week ago my friend Jess wrote a post on Gift of Gab about staying in a marriage. Well, the point of her post was more about using your vows as an excuse not to get out of a marriage but it got a little off that topic in the comments.
As anyone who has known me a while or been reading here a while knows this is a hot button issue for me. I am one of the women who stayed. One of the ones who has been close to hell and back a few times and still said the I Love You's and played the part of the happy wife.
During the commenting stage of the posting an anonymous commenter asked me:
Is there anything someone could've said to you that would've opened your eyes sooner to the situation you were in to try to handle it sooner than you did?
I told that person that I would think about it and write a post here. (Or rather I posted a comment to that affect since I don't know who they are I'm just hoping they stop back by) And think about it I have. For one solid week I have thought about it and dreamed about it and cried about it.
What no one tells you right away is that when you are in a situation like this you do not necessarily process all of your feelings and emotions at that time. In fact it takes people asking questions like this and me really taking a hard look at things for me to really feel a lot of the things I should have felt back then. Even today with all I have told people and all I have written here I am not sure that there is anyone besides me who really knows my whole story. This makes it hard to truly answer this question without giving a little bit of background detail so excuse me if this post rambles a bit.
As for the question, I have come to one and only one conclusion.
No. Not if I didn't want out.
Every scenario that I came up with had me, playing the role in an opposite scenario. I was away from Jake at one point for four months. I left, he left, but we never stayed gone. There was something in my brain that just didn't "get it" so to speak. People told me he's doing drugs, I made excuses. People told me he's cheating, I made excuses. I found out for sure he was cheating and we broke up but he always said how sorry he was and I always believed him.
I can't put into words eloquently enough the way it feels to need someone. Or think that you need them but for me this is what it was for us. Something inside of me felt like he was a good person and that he needed me to help him and I needed him to make me whole. Somewhere, some how my thinking became so distorted that I didn't see the relationship for what it was, instead I saw it for what I thought it could be.
So, short of duck taping my hands and feet, throwing me in a car truck and locking me away for 6 months, I'm not sure there was anything anyone could have done. It is a lot like what was done with Jake. He was addicted to drugs and we had to put him in handcuffs and lock him up for six months. I was addicted to him and the only way I would have really been able to escape the relationship was to be away from it and start to find myself.
However, it is really hard to get away from it when it is all you know. I had locked myself in my own prison where no one knew what was going on in our lives so I didn't have anyone I could turn to for help. When I tried to mention little things to people around me they blew me off. I was over reacting, I needed to lighten up. They said these things because they didn't know the whole story. They didn't know the whole story because if they had they may have just locked me in that car trunk.
Which dives us head on into the real question: why? Why would someone stay? Unfortunately that one is much harder to answer.
Another Anonymous poster suggested that it was fear:
If you've never been there, it's hard to discribe. For some women, they're afraid to leave. Flat out. Some women are afraid they'll be killed.
This, is a very real reason why some women stay but for me, the fear was not necessarily of him injuring ME so much as it was that if I called 911 he would be arrested. If he was arrested someone would have to bail him out of jail and most likely that someone would be me. I knew myself well enough to know that I might be really mad at him at the moment, even a little scared of him, but in the end, I would forgive him. In spite of myself and then I would be mad that I had to pay court costs and lawyer fees so I just didn't go there. (I told you... distorted thinking.)
Intuitively I know that he could hurt me, I'm not stupid. I even started a journal that I kept on my computer. I would write down all of the things that happened, all of the things I couldn't tell anyone else. In the back of my mind I was thinking that if he killed me perhaps someone like my mom or my boss would find it and read it and realize that whatever happened might in some way be his fault.
I'm sure at this moment you are thinking if you knew this why didn't you just leave? I don't know. Even now, I don't. Somehow when you are in that situation you don't tend to feel the fear. It has been almost 18 months since Jake got clean and I am just NOW starting to really feel it. I have been up for the past week with nightmares of being chased and running from something. The fear that I feel in those dreams is greater than anything that I ever felt in all the times that my life was truly in danger. Sometimes when you are in it so far your emotions sort of shut down.
I think in a lot of ways fear is a reaction to something that you think might happen. You're afraid of heights because you know you could fall, you're afraid of spiders because you know they could bite you. With me, in that moment, I didn't feel any fear because I didn't REALLY know what could have happened. Now, when I think about it, especially the parts about Zack I am overcome with fear and emotion. Now I KNOW what could have happened and it scares me to death. But when you are in it, you are just as sick as they are and you tend to feel nothing, just numbness.
That same Anonymous person also suggested that perhaps people stayed for love:
Some, and this is the hard one, seriously no matter what love their husbands. You'll never believe what you're about to hear-- I too have a cousin who literally gets beaten constantly. [......] When I was young, he was arrested 6 times in one year for abuse. She always dropped the charges the next day because she missed him, loved him, and wanted her home. [....]
I think this is a REALLY common misunderstanding between those of us who are in this situation and those of you who are not. It is not love, it is a distorted type of loyalty. When you are in the situation it is easy to say, but I love him. But deep down inside we know it is not love. At least not what we see as love on TV. Perhaps, if the woman was abused as a child this is the only type of "love" she knows. But it is still not love. As I was flying across the room or being tackled on the front lawn or staring down the barrel of a shotgun I knew it was not what love was supposed to be.
Yet, I stayed. And if anyone were to ask me, I probably would have told them that I loved him. Really, I just didn't know anything BUT him. Some men take control of women and some women just give the control to the men but either way it is a need I seemed to have for him. Something inside me that just wouldn't let me let go. Something that kept convincing me that he loved me, that he would get better, that things would be different this time because he promised that they would be.
All of this and more are the reasons that women stay. For me, my thinking became distorted. I did CRAZY things and got sucked so far into his disease that I became just as sick as he was. In a way I was addicted to that life and to him and I needed help, even though at the time I would have told you just the opposite.
It is very had to know what to tell people when they want to help someone in this situation because the truth is that unless they want your help offering it to them over and over will just cause them to shut you out. Really the best thing you can do is listen and DON'T be judgemental. I would have defended Jake to the moon and back and come up with a million and one excuses for him. I didn't tell people about what was going on because I knew that they would try to tell me how to handle it and I didn't want that. I just wanted someone to listen.
I wanted to be able to tell them this is how it is in my house and it really sucks and NOT have to listen to them tell me than get out. Why don't you leave him? Here's a pamphlet for whatever they can help you... etc.
I was also afraid that if I told them the truth that they would be mad at him. If they were mad at him then they wouldn't want to do anything with us and then I would REALLY be stuck alone in my own little prison. I think that is a HUGE mistake that people make. They stop talking to the woman or the man because of what is going on. In affect that cuts her off even more and gives her an even less chance of getting out because she has no one to call for help and no where to go.
So after all of that rambling I guess perhaps I have come to my answer.
What could someone have said or done for me that would have opened my eyes sooner? Listened and not given advice and not judged. Shown up, even though they were not happy with the choices in my life. Never given up on me because I stayed.
In the end, I didn't give the people in my life the choice to do these things because I didn't tell them what was going on. I was afraid of how they would react and so I just shut them out. But if you know someone in a situation like this and they let you in to their life, please know that they stay because they are sick and someday they might feel like getting better and when that day comes they will need you more than you can ever imagine. So as hard as it is, just listen and be there for them.
Monday, August 25, 2008
A few Words...
I have been thinking a lot lately and I feel like there is just something I must get off my chest. To all of my friends, family and those of you in blogger land...
There have been times when I may have:
Disturbed you....
Troubled you...
Pestered you...
Irritated you...
Bugged you...
Or
Got on your nerves with all the e-mails I send.
So Today
I just wanna tell you that....
There have been times when I may have:
Disturbed you....
Troubled you...
Pestered you...
Irritated you...
Bugged you...
Or
Got on your nerves with all the e-mails I send.
So Today
I just wanna tell you that....
I PLAN TO CONTINUE!!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Mommy Guilt
On Friday at my Al-anon meeting we were discussing guilt. If there is one thing us Al-anon's are good at it is feeling guilty. As we were discussing this I started thinking back to an article I had read in my Parenting Magazine. This article was on Mommy Guilt and I realized that just like Al-anon's we mom's also had a way of making ourselves feel guilty, often times for things that we shouldn't.
You can click on the link above to read the entire article but I'm just going to paraphrase some of the best points.
1) Yelling
What the article says:
What I say:
What one of us hasn't looked at that board game, puzzle, box of blocks, little people set and thought to ourselves, seriously? Not again!! I need to do X,Y,Z, I don't have time for this. When I started out as a parent (and let's face it I'm only about two steps out of the starting block) I always told myself that I would play with my son. I wanted to be the mom on the floor with her child all the time. I wanted him to remember those happy memories.
And then... life happened. There was dishes, laundry, and general exhaustion and suddenly the thought of crouching on my knees to make the pony go into the barn for the 27 thousandth time just didn't seem so appealing. So when I'm home with him alone and he decides to entertain himself, I admit the angels sing just a bit above my head. So what if that entertainment involves pulling all the potholders, Paper plates, napkins out of the drawer in the kitchen. At least there is peace for a few moments!! :-)
3) Not wanting sex
What the article says:
What I say:
Mom, Dad stop reading right here. No really... scroll down a little ways and you will see a pretty little number 4. Focus on the four. Everything between here and number 4 is just dribble drabble and lots of la, la, la's. Nothing to see here... move on.
Ok, now that they're gone... I completely feel guilty about this one. I get up at 5:15 to go to the gym. I work all day and by the time Zack goes to bed at 8:00 I usually just feel like following him under the covers. It's not that I don't LIKE sex it is just that I'm not a guy. I don't NEED it to feel like my worth as a man is validated.
However, I know in the back of my mind that if I say no too many times, we also get into a vicious negative circle. He starts getting short with me, I start getting short with him and he feels like I just don't want HIM any more. Which really isn't it at all. It's not that I don't want HIM I don't want it from anyone. I'm not singling him out specifically. :-)
In the grand scheme of things, I really do try to make a time, at least once a week, where I say to myself, self, I don't care how tired you are you need to just go with the flow and THEN collapse into bed. For the good of the marriage it really does seem to help.
4) Wishing you were free
Ok, who among us hasn't been sitting on the couch listening to the screaming or the he's touching me and thought how nice it would be to just hop on the next bus (do people still take buses when they are running away from their families?) to Orlando. (Ok, considering the hurricane Fay thing right now perhaps Phoenix is a better example.)
Either way, I know that this is the one, consistent thing I do for myself that I hardly EVER feel guilty about. I'm not a 24, 7 mommy type of girl. I knew that going into it. If I don't get a few hours to myself on the weekends I feel a little like climbing into that giant cardboard box in our living room (yes the saying is true, he would rather play with the box) and not coming out for awhile.
This is where nap time becomes a savior if Jake is working or gone. That is my 2 hours of quiet time to do whatever I wish. (These days it has been take a nap.) I also schedule at least one Saturday or Sunday a month where I go out with my girlfriends. Go to a movie, go to dinner, go to the mall, just something to remind me that life is not all about "nana's" (banana's) and Elmo and to recharge my batteries. I am a MUCH better mommy when I've been away for a little while and can come back and actually look forward to another rousing game of get the piggies. (He tickles my feet.)
5) Working
What the article says:
What I say:
This is probably my biggest one. But for a bit of a different reason. I like my job. I'm NOT cut out to be a stay at home mom. Last Wednesday I took Zack to get his pictures taken so I was home with him all day. He had a candy bar for breakfast. Really, it's better he go to daycare.
But, in the end, I feel guilty that I'm not there enough. Tax season is coming up and I'm DREADING it. I need to talk to my boss about cutting my hours but I don't even know where to begin. I'm afraid I'll talk to him and the pay cut will not be what we can afford (they make money off of me by my chargeable hours. Most of those come during tax season so cutting back hours then would mean a pay cut to me.) and so I'll still be here 60 hours a week.
I suppose at the end of the day I need to look at it differently. It is 3 1/2 months of my year that I'm busy. I can work at home, I just choose not to. So perhaps I need to make more of an effort to go home and then work after he's asleep. Either way, I know I'll make it work and he and daddy will be fine. Even if they do live off of hot pockets, hot dogs and frozen pizzas for a few months. (Hey at least he eats healthy at daycare!! :-)
You can click on the link above to read the entire article but I'm just going to paraphrase some of the best points.
1) Yelling
What the article says:
Give yourself a break: Yelling is as much a part of motherhood as changing diapers and making mac 'n' cheese. "But if the decibel level in your household is always high, it's time to examine the tools in your parenting toolbox," says Pflock. "Counting to five works for me," says Jhoanna Wade, a mom of three in New York City. "If I get close to five, they know they may lose a privilege. And they really don't want that to happen.
What I say:
Of course this is number one on the list. Every time I raise my voice at Zack I feel bad about it. However, at the end of the day I realize that my mother's tone with me was not always even and smooth and I turned out alright. If I calm myself down, apologize to Zack for yelling and move on he learns that even mommies loose their tempers sometimes and it is ok to get angry. He also learns another valuable lesson, how to apologize when you do something inappropriate.
2) Not wanting to play more
What the article says:Somewhere along the line, "playmate" became another facet of the mom job description. But in today's crazy-busy life, slowing down is hard enough, and slowing down to play yet another game of Little Mermaid and the Princess Ponies is -- well, it takes a saint.
Give yourself a break: First, reconcile yourself to the happy fact that children don't need to be entertained their every waking hour (least of all by you). And when you do decide to spend time with them, really do so, even if it's only for half an hour. Focus on what you're doing, rather than on the to-do list in your mind.
Remember also that your mom probably didn't get down on the floor with you all that often -- and she didn't feel guilty about it.
What I say:
What one of us hasn't looked at that board game, puzzle, box of blocks, little people set and thought to ourselves, seriously? Not again!! I need to do X,Y,Z, I don't have time for this. When I started out as a parent (and let's face it I'm only about two steps out of the starting block) I always told myself that I would play with my son. I wanted to be the mom on the floor with her child all the time. I wanted him to remember those happy memories.
And then... life happened. There was dishes, laundry, and general exhaustion and suddenly the thought of crouching on my knees to make the pony go into the barn for the 27 thousandth time just didn't seem so appealing. So when I'm home with him alone and he decides to entertain himself, I admit the angels sing just a bit above my head. So what if that entertainment involves pulling all the potholders, Paper plates, napkins out of the drawer in the kitchen. At least there is peace for a few moments!! :-)
3) Not wanting sex
What the article says:
Give yourself a break: Sometimes guilt is a necessary emotion -- it serves as an internal alarm that something may be amiss. The tricky part is knowing when to tune in to the feeling and when to tune it out.
No one is saying that feeling touched-out isn't valid. But before any misunderstanding snowballs, communicate: Tell your husband how tired you really are, even if you're sure that he already knows.
And at some point, you'll have to rally and communicate in that other way, for the good of your union. "When I say 'no' one too many times, we get into this negative-feedback loop," says Collins. "But it only takes once to get back on track. Being physical with each other keeps our connection strong, and it's worth it in the longer run. I try to remember that."
Yes, we all know about date nights -- but who can afford a regular one these days? So do what my friend Lynne Matlock does. "Sometimes we'll order takeout and have it delivered after the kids are asleep," says the Long Beach, California, mom, whose two kids go to bed at 7:30 sharp (she thanks her husband for that).
"We eat it by candlelight. Not only do we get to be together, but we also feel like we're getting away with something -- like teenagers!"
What I say:
Mom, Dad stop reading right here. No really... scroll down a little ways and you will see a pretty little number 4. Focus on the four. Everything between here and number 4 is just dribble drabble and lots of la, la, la's. Nothing to see here... move on.
Ok, now that they're gone... I completely feel guilty about this one. I get up at 5:15 to go to the gym. I work all day and by the time Zack goes to bed at 8:00 I usually just feel like following him under the covers. It's not that I don't LIKE sex it is just that I'm not a guy. I don't NEED it to feel like my worth as a man is validated.
However, I know in the back of my mind that if I say no too many times, we also get into a vicious negative circle. He starts getting short with me, I start getting short with him and he feels like I just don't want HIM any more. Which really isn't it at all. It's not that I don't want HIM I don't want it from anyone. I'm not singling him out specifically. :-)
In the grand scheme of things, I really do try to make a time, at least once a week, where I say to myself, self, I don't care how tired you are you need to just go with the flow and THEN collapse into bed. For the good of the marriage it really does seem to help.
4) Wishing you were free
When Christina Bess's kids were 2 years old and 10 months old, she was invited to spend a week in London with a girlfriend from graduate school. "She had a hotel room all paid for by her employer -- all I had to do was buy my plane ticket." But the prospect of leaving her kids at that point struck her as outrageous. "I thought, 'How can I do this? Something terrible will happen!'"What I say:
Who among us hasn't wanted to simply walk away from the sleep deprivation and the crying and the chaos -- at least sometimes -- and then felt guilty about feeling that way? But this is an example of guilt trying to tell you something: It's important to take some time for yourself to recharge.
Give yourself a break: The experts all agree -- schedule regular "you" time, and keep it sacred. "I write in the mornings and I exercise a few afternoons a week," says Collins. "That's my time, and my family knows that if I get to do that, then I'm a nicer mommy to everyone."
In the end, Bess did go to London, and her mom and her husband took great care of the kids. And after a week spent recharging, she was happy to see her family again.
Ok, who among us hasn't been sitting on the couch listening to the screaming or the he's touching me and thought how nice it would be to just hop on the next bus (do people still take buses when they are running away from their families?) to Orlando. (Ok, considering the hurricane Fay thing right now perhaps Phoenix is a better example.)
Either way, I know that this is the one, consistent thing I do for myself that I hardly EVER feel guilty about. I'm not a 24, 7 mommy type of girl. I knew that going into it. If I don't get a few hours to myself on the weekends I feel a little like climbing into that giant cardboard box in our living room (yes the saying is true, he would rather play with the box) and not coming out for awhile.
This is where nap time becomes a savior if Jake is working or gone. That is my 2 hours of quiet time to do whatever I wish. (These days it has been take a nap.) I also schedule at least one Saturday or Sunday a month where I go out with my girlfriends. Go to a movie, go to dinner, go to the mall, just something to remind me that life is not all about "nana's" (banana's) and Elmo and to recharge my batteries. I am a MUCH better mommy when I've been away for a little while and can come back and actually look forward to another rousing game of get the piggies. (He tickles my feet.)
5) Working
What the article says:
When Susan Jackson returned to her job at an ad agency in Cincinnati, invariably the conversation with the other new moms in the office turned to guilt. The guys I worked with didn't get it. 'You're providing for your family,' they said. But the moms understood.
Give yourself a break: "The twinge of guilt is always going to be there," says Jackson. "But there are several ways to deal with it."
Find a sounding board. "Friends, and even blogs, have been a huge help to me," says Kim Moldofsky, a mom of two in the Chicago area who works part-time.
Or find your balance. Gebler Ashkenazy used to work a demanding 60-hour-a-week job, but after she had her third child, she left for one with a more flexible schedule, so she's home a day and a half during the workweek.
Finally -- and this is true for all these guilt trips -- accept the feeling and move on. Don't let it bring you down.
What I say:
This is probably my biggest one. But for a bit of a different reason. I like my job. I'm NOT cut out to be a stay at home mom. Last Wednesday I took Zack to get his pictures taken so I was home with him all day. He had a candy bar for breakfast. Really, it's better he go to daycare.
But, in the end, I feel guilty that I'm not there enough. Tax season is coming up and I'm DREADING it. I need to talk to my boss about cutting my hours but I don't even know where to begin. I'm afraid I'll talk to him and the pay cut will not be what we can afford (they make money off of me by my chargeable hours. Most of those come during tax season so cutting back hours then would mean a pay cut to me.) and so I'll still be here 60 hours a week.
I suppose at the end of the day I need to look at it differently. It is 3 1/2 months of my year that I'm busy. I can work at home, I just choose not to. So perhaps I need to make more of an effort to go home and then work after he's asleep. Either way, I know I'll make it work and he and daddy will be fine. Even if they do live off of hot pockets, hot dogs and frozen pizzas for a few months. (Hey at least he eats healthy at daycare!! :-)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
19 Months
On Tuesday my baby turned 19 months. **sniff** **sniff** In honor of this momentous occasion I took him to get his 18 month pictures on Wednesday. (I know... BAD mommy!!)
Either way I think they turned out pretty cute!! (But I'm the mom... I'm supposed to think that aren't I)
Zack is growing and changing more every day. He now runs around and LOVES to be outside. He has his own opinion on how the world should work and thinks nothing of telling you when things are not going the way he wants them to.
Even if it is like say screaming like a banshee in the food court because he can't push the stroller around while his embarrassed mom tries to wolf down her pizza so she can get the obnoxious child out of there. (Wait... would that be my kid??)
(We call this one "the look" it is the standard Zackary pose when he is doing something that he is pretty sure he should be getting into trouble for and he's just waiting for you to come and tell him no so he can laugh and run off in the opposite direction!!)
He is talking now, more words than I can count and repeats EVERYTHING you say. Forget owning a parrot, trying having a Zack around. Most of the time it is really cute but every once in a while you wish he wouldn't repeat quite so much!! :-)
At the end of the day even when I'm tired and run down from telling him no a million times I wouldn't trade one minute of it. He is the light of our lives and makes us laugh out loud several times a day.
Happy nineteen months little man!!
Either way I think they turned out pretty cute!! (But I'm the mom... I'm supposed to think that aren't I)
(And NO... for the record he is NOT wearing the wrong colors. He is wearing exactly the right colors so please don't attempt to convince me other wise!! :-)
Zack is growing and changing more every day. He now runs around and LOVES to be outside. He has his own opinion on how the world should work and thinks nothing of telling you when things are not going the way he wants them to.
Even if it is like say screaming like a banshee in the food court because he can't push the stroller around while his embarrassed mom tries to wolf down her pizza so she can get the obnoxious child out of there. (Wait... would that be my kid??)
(We call this one "the look" it is the standard Zackary pose when he is doing something that he is pretty sure he should be getting into trouble for and he's just waiting for you to come and tell him no so he can laugh and run off in the opposite direction!!)
He is talking now, more words than I can count and repeats EVERYTHING you say. Forget owning a parrot, trying having a Zack around. Most of the time it is really cute but every once in a while you wish he wouldn't repeat quite so much!! :-)At the end of the day even when I'm tired and run down from telling him no a million times I wouldn't trade one minute of it. He is the light of our lives and makes us laugh out loud several times a day.Happy nineteen months little man!!
What Would You Say?
There is a song out there by Kellie Pickler. The song is called Don't You Know You're Beautiful and every time I think about it I think about the former me. The teenager struggling to fit in and the girl in her early twenties staying in a relationship she wasn't happy in because she thought it was all she could get.
I wish I could go back and play this song for that young woman and let her know that she would be ok and that she was beautiful just the way she was.
What song would you play for younger self??
I wish I could go back and play this song for that young woman and let her know that she would be ok and that she was beautiful just the way she was.
What song would you play for younger self??
Kellie Pickler - Don't You Know You're Beautiful Lyrics
Hey little girl with your tangled hair, your tattered clothes,
You're fifteen and you're about to bloom just like a rose.
You’re wishing that you had designer jeans
Like the ones you see in magazines.
Now I know you’d give anything just to fit in
But your worth ain't on a price tag, it comes from within.
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
Hey there little homecoming queen in that back seat.
I’ll bet his brown eyes are promising you everything!
And I know you want to be just like your friends,
But he’ll still love you if you don’t give in.
But if those girls were being honest that have been where you're at,
I’d bet they’d tell you they wish they had their innocence back.
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
So if he left you for a girl that could be your twin
If you were 28 again,
Let him go, let him fly, keep your head up,
Get on with your life!
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
Just the way you are!
Hey little girl with your tangled hair, your tattered clothes,
You're fifteen and you're about to bloom just like a rose.
You’re wishing that you had designer jeans
Like the ones you see in magazines.
Now I know you’d give anything just to fit in
But your worth ain't on a price tag, it comes from within.
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
Hey there little homecoming queen in that back seat.
I’ll bet his brown eyes are promising you everything!
And I know you want to be just like your friends,
But he’ll still love you if you don’t give in.
But if those girls were being honest that have been where you're at,
I’d bet they’d tell you they wish they had their innocence back.
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
So if he left you for a girl that could be your twin
If you were 28 again,
Let him go, let him fly, keep your head up,
Get on with your life!
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Don’t you know you’re beautiful?
Just the way you are!
Just the way you are!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Payback
Dear Mother of the Biting Child:
I'm so very sorry about the incident yesterday. Perhaps if your child had not been biting my child for the last 6 months he would not have FINALLY reached his breaking point and hit your child over the head with a toy.
In all fairness your child did bite him back. All's fair in love and war right?
Sincerely,
Mom who wasn't too mad at her child for finally standing up for himself
I'm so very sorry about the incident yesterday. Perhaps if your child had not been biting my child for the last 6 months he would not have FINALLY reached his breaking point and hit your child over the head with a toy.
In all fairness your child did bite him back. All's fair in love and war right?
Sincerely,
Mom who wasn't too mad at her child for finally standing up for himself
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Infestation
We have a dirty little secret in our house. Enter our house and look around and you would never guess what is lurking just 8 or 9 feet below where you are standing.
Let me start from the beginning. Last Monday our basement flooded.
We ended up with 5 inches of water down there.
We had to move the cats upstairs for two days and they were NOT happy about it.
(Just so they're aware I wasn't all that happy about having their litter boxes back in my living space either!!)Before the flood we had a few millipedes lurking downstairs, now, after the flood with our basement still being dark and damp we have a full on infestation.
**Warning... do NOT scroll down if you don't like bugs!! (Or perhaps if you're eating lunch)**
.
.
.
THIS... is what our basement looks like now.
It gives me the heebe jeebies just looking at the pictures, let alone knowing that I have spent the better part of last night and this morning vacuuming, or attempting to vacuum, them all up.
The exterminator came on Monday to try to kill them off but it only sent them into hiding for a few hours and now they are back in full force.
Last night I vacuumed up TWO FULL vacuum bags of millipedes. 
They are ALL OVER my floor and then in clusters on anything moist. The freezer we got from my parents, any damp corners. In those places lurk hundreds of millipedes.
After I vacuumed them up I promptly took the squirmy bag outside and lit it on fire.
Then I went inside and the floor looked like this again!!
I called the exterminator AGAIN this morning and he said he had a family emergency and couldn't get there until Monday so we are getting a dehumidifier tonight (these little guys like the moisture) and then on Monday the cats get to go upstairs again so we can bug bomb.
I'm considering just moving... it might be easier!! :-)
Calling All Travelers
Anyone out there? My friend Jess needs some ideas!
September of 2009 she is planning a girl’s trip; but so far the planning hasn’t gone far. As if she needs an excuse for some girl time?
Anyhow, there are several of us turning 30 within that years time and in celebration of that we are taking a trip. She has spent countless hours researching destinations: California, Napa Valley, Arizona, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida (shied away from Florida because everyone has been there), etc.
I think the consensus is: rent a house on the ocean, but none the less, rent a house.
Now for the destination…..
Does anyone have any specific ideas? The objective of the trip is relaxation, beauty and
memories!
Please…flood us with ideas!
September of 2009 she is planning a girl’s trip; but so far the planning hasn’t gone far. As if she needs an excuse for some girl time?
Anyhow, there are several of us turning 30 within that years time and in celebration of that we are taking a trip. She has spent countless hours researching destinations: California, Napa Valley, Arizona, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida (shied away from Florida because everyone has been there), etc.
I think the consensus is: rent a house on the ocean, but none the less, rent a house.
Now for the destination…..
Does anyone have any specific ideas? The objective of the trip is relaxation, beauty and
memories!
Please…flood us with ideas!
2 Cars 4 Days
Did I forget to mention that? Yeah so, on the 29th we got a 2nd car......
I promise... this time we are DONE!!
It is a 2002 Chevrolet Impala. 
We are now in the process of trying to sell Jake's Jeep. Know anyone who wants a 1995 Jeep? Needs a little work.... 
We sell cheap, you fix up and have GREAT vehicle to drive!!
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Kitty Love
**No Kitties were harmed in the making of this post. I promise all parties walked away from the photo op unscathed!!**
Friday, August 01, 2008
Calling all Lurkers
I was reading through some old e-mails and I realized that I have lost touch with a few people who used to read here and e-mail me. I feel bad about this. In some cases the people stopped blogging or perhaps I, being the bad blogger that I am, stopped reading.
Either way, I'd like to visit any of you who are out there who have blogs that I don't know about or don't visit already. So... if you're lurking... and you know who you are, leave me a comment or send me an e-mail. (hamiltonfamilycircus{at}yahoo{dot}com) I'd love to know who you are and to visit your blogs if I don't already.
Either way, I'd like to visit any of you who are out there who have blogs that I don't know about or don't visit already. So... if you're lurking... and you know who you are, leave me a comment or send me an e-mail. (hamiltonfamilycircus{at}yahoo{dot}com) I'd love to know who you are and to visit your blogs if I don't already.
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