WOW!!

Thank you... all of you for your show of support. It is AMAZING to me that so many people have come out of the woodwork to leave comments. Of course you say super secret anonymous blog and everyone wants in on that action!! :-)

Just a couple of house cleaning issues.

1) Blogger does not give me your e-mail address when you comment so you will need to leave it in the comments section or click on that link over there -----> and send me an e-mail

2) ArmyWifeandMom... see the above.....

3) AmyV... I have responded to your comment in the comments section of the previous post but just to reiterate his seizure in April was NOT... and I repeat NOT drug induced. He was drug tested at the hospital and passed with flying colors for all the spectra of drugs. Please get your facts straight before you make a comment like that because comments like that tend to hurt people's feelings and they also tend to make me, who is already on edge, just a TAD bit defensive and then I get ugly and angry and we just don't need that when I'm sure it was just a simple misunderstanding... k?

Alright... back to tax returns...

The Goings On

"Where have you been?"

"Dealing with things far beyond my maturity level"

-Juno

That is the only excuse that I have to offer you right now for where I have been. I'm not sure how exactly to put this eloquently so I'm just kind of going to throw it out there...

Relapse.

It is a word that I have heard over and over in the rooms of Al-anon. People's husbands, children, wives, 2 months sober and a relapse, a year sober and a relapse, 10 years sober and a relapse. It can happen to anyone. But I never thought that anyone would be me.

Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? Why did I think that I had all the answers to how to deal with the situation? Apparently, God had other plans for me. In Al-anon we work the 12 steps the same as the AA people do. And the first step is Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I thought I had this step down pat. I knew I was powerless. I understood that I couldn't control it, only really... I didn't. On January 1st I was reminded that this is a new year... and NOT a year I am in charge of. Instead I quickly learned that no amount of watching, questioning, or controlling is going to stop Jake from doing what Jake is doing. Like it or lump it....

I don't feel a lot of detail is going to really help any of us but for the record it was pot. Started after a family member had some legal troubles. (That I can't write about here) At the time I remember saying to him please talk to someone about how upset you are. These things can lead to relapse. I said them, but I never believed them...

I had started to suspect something for awhile and on New Year's day I found the evidence and I asked him to leave our house until he could decide what he wanted for his life. I've been in Al-anon long enough to know relapse happens. I don't like it, I don't have to like it. I just have to accept it and decide what I'm willing to deal with for myself.

After about a week of him being gone I had decided that if he was willing to get back into his program and pass a drug test I was willing to work on our marriage and our family. We have now started the process of reintegrating him back into our house. Things are getting better. I hated the person that he was for the last two months and I am starting to love, all over again, the person that he is when he is not using.

I could sit here and give you a thousand reasons why I have made the choices I have in the last four weeks but my choices will never be any of your choices and I'm learning very quickly that I have to make the choice that I feel is best for myself and my son at the present moment. Tomorrow, that choice might be different. And that is ok. I only have to take one day at a time.

I have started another blog, an anonymous blog, where I write much more openly about what is going on. I am open to letting some of you read it, as long as you are not related to me. I am VERY open on that blog and I don't want anyone who knows us/is related to us to be offended by things I say about myself or about Jake. That is why I have kept the blog 100% anonymous and will continue to do so.

As for us, we are taking things slowly. Tax season is going as well as can be expected. I have a fantastic support system who has stepped in to watch Zack for me on Saturday's until I feel that Jake will be able to do so. We are refinancing the house, in my name only, so in the event that something like this continues to be a problem I will be able to make sure that my son and I are taken care of.

He is, and continues to be my first priority. I put him second for the first 10 weeks of his life and I will never do that again...

Can I borrow your car?

On Wednesday after I picked Zack up from daycare I noticed that my car was sort of making a weird noise. After I fed the horses I noticed that the noise was getting worse and my transmission was also starting to slip.

So, bright and early Thursday morning I hauled my butt to the dealer and told them I thought my transmission was going out. I explained the problem and graciously accepted my ride in the courtesy shuttle to work. About 2:00 my phone rang. It was the woman from the dealership.

"Heather, I just wanted to call and tell you that you have some major engine trouble. It will be at least a couple of days before it is fixed."

Engine trouble... it's the transmission... NOT the engine...but whatever....

"They don't have it exactly diagnosed yet but it appears as if it should be covered by your extended warranty."

Half an hour later my phone rings again.

"I just wanted to call and let you know they have to replace the transmission. It will probably be first of next week before they can get it fixed. There is a $100 deductible on your extended warranty but other than that the rest is covered."

So, I borrowed my parents Tahoe, which they needed back on Saturday evening and I returned to them, in one piece and in full working order. I switched them for my mom's pickup. It was not so lucky.

Yesterday when I got out of the truck at the store I noticed that the defrost fan was still running. Odd... then I took the key out of the ignition, still running... more odd...

45 minutes later I came back to the truck... defrost fan still running. Ok, now something is definitely wrong here. Jake thought I was making it up, my friend Jess thought there's no way that can happen. Ahh... but this is me. And it can... and it DID!! So, since the fan wouldn't shut off it proceeded to promptly kill the battery. Good times!!

Jake jumped my car this morning and I drove it straight to the dealership. They said it is still under warranty and hopefully it can be fixed post haste or I'm not sure HOW I'm getting home tonight.

Anyone else have a vehicle I can drive??

Change

If Nothing Changes....
.
.
.
.
.
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Nothing Changes....

If we are unhappy with an aspect of our lives, we must change ourselves. Changing others is a futile attempt.

Changes are happening....

I'll try to write more soon.

Fun Facts

Zackary did you see a baby pig at school today??

Yeah!!

Was he pretty neat?

Yeah!! Don't pull his tail!! He cry!!

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E...E...E... Eeefants eat peanuts.

They do? Elephants eat peanuts??

Yeah!!

A...a...a...And Eeefants need bafff

Really?

Yeah... eeefants stinky!!

How's it Going?

E-mail exchange with boss who is in Florida at "Training"

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Are you enjoying the nice cold weather?
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It is 3 degrees outside. The low today is supposed to be -12 actual temperature and the high tomorrow is supposed to BE -2. I couldn't be enjoying myself more if I tried....

Oh yeah, did I mention that we had to pay to have someone plow our driveway on Saturday because it was nearly impassible after the "dusting" of snow we were supposed to get that turned into 6 inches and NOW.... NOW.... I have to have it done again because we have had another 4 - 6 inches of snow in the last two days. My boots are only so high, I'm going to have to get hip waders if this keeps up.

But sure... it's wonderful, and all things lovely. :-)

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I might not come back.

The Making of a Christmas Miracle

Step one - Traipse to store to admire pick out train set.

Step two - See that there is only one train set on floor, assume there are more in back, go home to think about major purchase.

Step three- Decide this is, indead, the exact set you want, take off early from work and drive to toy store only to discover that they are sold out and may get more in a few days.

Step four - Drive across town while on hold with ANOTHER toy store to see if they have it in stock. Pull into their parking lot without actually getting off hold (20 mintues later) only to discover that they too are sold out.

Step five - cuss self for not buying one remaining train set when had a chance.

Step six - Call store at end of the week when their truck was supposed to come in only to find out that train set was not on that truck but might be on another one later.

Step seven - panic a little when you realize that all your son has said for three weeks is "Santa Choo Choo" and Santa might not be able to deliver

Step eight - Order train set on-sale on line but with shipping basically pay what you would have paid in the store

Step nine - Go to parents house on December 12th with wild ideas of putting train set together in record time. Open box and realize that there are approximately one million seven hundred thousand pieces.

Step ten - close box and transport it to basement of our house

Step eleven - pull box out on December 20th and cuss many pieces slightly.

Step twelve - 45 minutes later you have two drawers. Go team!!

Step thirteen - Two hours into the project the table is put together.

Step fourteen - Open the little boxes and see thousands of little train pieces, have small heart attack, weep silently and give up for the night.

Step fifteen - Spend another hour on December 22nd putting together a round house and other miscellaneous pieces.

Step sixteen - The great assembly starts at 9:15 and is finished by 10:00. There are a few cuss words shed and a small moment when I almost chucked afformentioned round house at Jake's head but the train set is together and it looks great.

Step seventeen - awake at 7:00 and stare at the clock. Is he awake yet? Do I hear him stiring?

Step eighteen - Realize that all of the hard work was worth it to see this moment

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Sorry it took me so long to get this up. Things here are crazy and the site will probably go dark for a couple of days. Tax season is starting, we're trying to refinance our house, and lots of personal issues do not leave much time for blogging. I hope to be back soon!!