Strange Ideas

I'm not sure what the reasoning was behind this but he was pretty proud of himself for thinking of it....

WW: Spike Man

Pardon the fact that my kid appears to have "CRAZY" eyes in this picture. From right after he was born Miss Jessica has referred to Zackary as Spike. It was a joke taken from the soap opera All My Children that sort of just stuck. So imagine my mom's excitement when she found this shirt while buying Zack some clothes. Of course she just HAD to buy it!!

This is Living...

This morning Footloose came on the radio. As I listened to the upbeat music I glanced in my rear view mirror to see my son, in his newly acquired sunglasses

swaying back in forth with the music. As I watched him for a little bit my heart just swelled and I turned up the music a little louder and swayed back and forth with him. (I apologize profusely for anyone who had to see my corny dance routine!!)

No matter where we go, no matter what happens, I am happy now for the first time in a long time and THIS is living...

Do you Wii??

Go check out the pictures of our FANTASTIC girls night (and one adorable little boy) over on Jess's site.

It was SOO much fun I think I might have to get me one of those... in a few years... when the price comes down... :-)

Friday Confessionals

(On early Saturday morning....)



I have never sat through a symphony or choir performance, in person or on TV, without getting goose bumps.





I saw the soloist tonight (another post... but left me feeling blah.....) and I realized how much I LOVE music and how much I miss it. Somehow I let that part of my life go and I would very much like to get it back.

Unfortunately, some of those venues tend to be rather pricey but I will have to see what I can do about that. I'm hoping in the next few years I can add several symphony concerts, musicals and choir performances to the list of things I have done.

WW: The Swing

Miss Heather broke the swing that Mr Dan built. Miss Katie took the pictures while laughing her A$$ off!! You can see more pictures (not of me...) over at Katie's blog I hope the swing can be fixed.....

What's with all the songs?

I'm sure most of you have noticed that I have posted an unusually large amount of music posts lately. Music and writing are my out. If I could have done ANYTHING with my life it would have been singing and writing. But alas, I became and accountant. I know... right??

Anyway, for me, music has healing abilities. I don't just listen to the beat, I listen to the words. I try to find the message of the song and when I do, and it helps me, I listen to it over and over and over again.

This is something that I somehow lost when I was with Jake. I don't think in any way it was his fault, it was just one of the things I gave up to be the person I thought I had to be. Well, now that I have a little more time to myself I'm finding myself DYING to write more and also to get a music collection together. The writing will be happening here, and there. (That's code... 10 points if you can figure it out... ;-)

And the music...

Well... I've started my list....

Now all I have to do is get me one of these....

Unfortunately... the list is the cheaper of the two. I've bid on a few on ebay but they all go out of my price range. Because my music is SOO varied and I sway back and forth a lot on what I want to hear I decided I wanted one with a screen so I could find the songs much easier.

So... for now this list will say among all of my other scratch paper notes at work and eventually, hopefully sometime this summer, I will pinch enough pennies and find a good enough deal and one of these will be mine.

So, hopefully that explains the music a little more. I'm guessing you will probably be seeing it around here for awhile. The music and the quotes.

You Found Me

The Music Video is here... I can't Embed it so you will have to click on the link....

I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you?
Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

- The Fray

Friday Confessionals

I don't want a divorce....

.

.

.

.

I'm raging a lot right now against this. I don't want it but not for the reasons you are probably thinking. I'm not in love with my husband right now. I'm not missing him at night or craving his love and affection during the day.

I don't want a divorce because it means I failed. I failed at something I tried SOOO hard to fix and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make him better and I couldn't make us better and I couldn't make all the hurt and the pain go away.

I don't want to be the statistic. The 50% of marriages that end in divorce. I wanted to be the 50% that didn't. The ones who grew old together and told our grandchildren about how it was hard at first but we worked through our problems and made our marriage work.

That will never happen and I'm crying now just writing this. I don't want to be married to him but I don't want to feel like a failure either.

WW: April 15th

To: Heather

Happy End of Tax Season!!Thank you Courtney!! I've already cracked open the first bag!! :-)

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow...

I love ya...

Tomorrow....

You're only...a...day....

A....WAY!!!

April 15th....

Tax day....

Have you filed your taxes yet?

Without You

What... huh??

Last night I was here until 9:10 this morning I was back at work at 5:15.

When my brain returns.... I will return...

In the mean time say it with me will ya??

Only.

14.

More.

Days......

Driving Me to Drink

What's that mommy??

It's a chair.

Why?

Because it is.

Why?

Because that's what it is...

Why?

Because it is a chair... I don't know why. It just is....

Why?

Oh for the love of.....

*******************
I do not drink. I made a decision about 7 years ago not to do so and up until this point I have never questioned or regretted this decision.

Last night I made a phone call to my sister.... after bed time (Ahhh... sweet glorious thing that is bedtime...).

Here is my parenting advice to you... accumulate copious amounts of alcohol before he turns two. You might need it!!

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear.... It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold onto.

~~Marilyn Franklin

Friday Confessionals

Mom... Dad... any members of my immediate family... STOP reading...

Right now...

You think I'm kidding....

But I'm not....

See that X up in the corner....

Press it...

I'll wait....

.
.
.
.
.
Are they gone? Oh for the love of all things holy... do you think I'm kidding. You will NEVER look at me the same if you continue looking. PLEASE... S-T-O-P......

.
.
.
.
.

I have only ever been with one person in my whole life.

.
.
.
.
It gets worse... you can STOP reading now...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Towards the end of our marriage "relations" was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn't think about it, I didn't want it....

Now, I can't STOP thinking about it. If I was a different type of girl I would have been at a bar last weekend, oh wait... I was... maybe that's a bad example. N-E-Way... If I didn't have this extreme fear of some weirdo coming to my house and killing me I would totally be all over the one night stands.

As it is, I just want to borrow a guy, someone who I know is safe and won't injure me.

Can I borrow yours?

I'll give him back I promise....

**Editors note... it gets worse in the comments... if you are in any way offended by any of this... step away from the comment box!!**

Wordless Wednesday

It Happens

Sorry, I got NOTHING for you today. This is very much the place I am in today. Shhh.... IT Happens. I very much want all of this to be behind me so that we can move on but it seems as if that will not be the case.

The divorce is on hold. Partly because my lawyer wants to see if he will be having any sort of income soon or if he will be going to treatment and partly because there is still a no contact order making it sort of hard to work out things like will he be selling his car to help pay for things while he is gone or will he be keeping it because he needs it to get to meetings and a new job.

He has detoxed so at this point he is not a threat to me. However, with that said, if he comes out and goes straight back to the drugs he could be. I just very much want to be DONE dealing with it right now but unfortunately it will be something I will be dealing with at least for the next 16 years.

I went out this weekend with some new friends and some old friends and I had a BLAST!! It very much gave me renewed energy at least for a couple of days. But today... I'm sort of crashing hard. I just got a call from the county attorney who told me Jake will be in lockup for at least awhile longer. He seemed to indicate to his dad he thought he would get out on the 26th but this guy says not so quickly.

His words to me were that they do not let people out on their arraignments and that unless someone bails him out he will be in there until he makes a plea deal and finishes his sentence. Which, he is thinking will be in jail treatment or out of jail treatment while on probation. But either way a couple more months.

So, while we wait I sit in limbo. The divorce decree has been drafted and just sits... gathering dust. Ugg... I don't like limbo....

Why Blog?

As is the case with most people who blog every month or two I will get a comment from someone, always anonymously amazingly enough, saying how I should keep my dirty laundry to myself and have some respect for the people I'm talking about.

My one for this month came yesterday and while it was not mean, or disrespectful, it did have some points I would like to address. In my case, this comment comes from someone who knows me in real life. I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of who it is since I have a stat counter that tells me where everyone comes from and what time they come here, but if they want to remain anonymous I will let them do so.

They do, however bring up a couple points I would like to address. First and foremost, my son was NOT brought into this world with a "job" to bring my husband an I closer together. No matter what you may think, I HONESTLY thought my husband was clean when we conceived our son. We were the happiest we had ever been, he had a good job with benefits and I thought our lives were going in a very positive direction.

My husband was fired two weeks after I found out I was pregnant for failing to pass a drug test. Too little, too late at that point so we did the best we could with what we had at the time, which apparently was not enough. I will agree with the fact that I was naive, that I knew who he was when I married him, and that I was stupid enough to think I could change him. I will stand up and say I to every bit of that but DON'T bring my son into this. He is the one, most perfect thing, I have ever done in my life and he had then and has now no other "job" than to be a beautiful little boy.

Secondly, I would like to address the tole this has had on Jake's family. I realize that there are people in his family that do not like me airing his dirty laundry on this blog. You being one of them but I have gotten amazingly supportive phone calls and e-mails from his family members and believe me when I tell you what you read here is NOT the entire story.

I realize that some of Jake's family is fairly private. And I have respected that privacy as much as I can in most respects. I did not go into great detail on the blog, I did not share every little thing that was said or done. I stated the basic facts of what happened and quite frankly my motto is, if he didn't want his dirty laundry aired on the blog then perhaps he should make better choices. (And for the record, he has never told me, using or sober, that he doesn't like my blog or that he wants me to take something down.)

When it comes down to it I am airing MY dirty laundry here to but no one seems to care about that. I've never gotten a comment telling me I shouldn't air my dirty laundry. (Maybe it's the cleaner of the two...)

Either way, I want everyone to know that No one... and I do mean NO ONE, thinks that his actions are in any way a reflection on his family. That is something that took me a year to learn in Al-anon. I always thought that people would think badly about me if I told them what he was doing but really, they just think badly of him. Those are his bad choices but never, ever would I say here that they are because he is a bad person.

Jake is a WONDERFUL man and he is a fantastic father, when he is sober and he shows up. I love him with every fiber of my being. He is my addiction and him and I are not good for each other because of that. So we are getting a divorce. But I hope with everything that I am that he gets clean and that he is able to be a part of Zack's life and a part of mine as my friend.

As for blogging all of this. To date I have gotten at least two e-mails and/or comments from random strangers who have found my blog and have been helped by it. Two people who now know that they are not alone. It may seem like a pitty party to you, but it is my way of showing the world that I am human. That this hurts me and that I cry EVERY SINGLE day about this.

It is my way of showing people that this does happen. That it is ok to hurt. It is okay to love someone who has a disease. The supportive comments I got on that post, up until this one at least, have kept me strong. Have helped me to get through this whole week. I reach out to these people because I need them and sometimes they reach back in because they need me too.

This is a network of people that I am not willing to give up and I hope, someday, you can understand that or at least respect it.

Hole in My Sidewalk

I was given a copy of this at my last counseling appointment and I have been meaning to put it up ever since. People... THIS is my life....

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street

- There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Portia Nelson