Happy

I have been hearing the same thing come out of people's mouths lately:

You look different. What has changed? You look happier.

I was asked this on Friday and again tonight and have been asked it several times in the past few weeks so tonight I went and looked back.

I was wondering, did I look that bad back then?
I can tell you that until I looked at the pictures I would have told you people were crazy. Then I looked. On my face I see stress and tired. My face is smiling but my eyes are not.

Then I pulled out this picture that was taken at the fair this year and I realized that it's not really that I looked that bad back then. It's just that I'm looking much better now.
Either way... I'm glad that I look happy.

I feel happy.

Friday Confessionals

I have an unhealthy obsession with the Duggars. Seriously I can not help but look every time I see them on TV announcing that they are having yet ANOTHER baby. This week I have a free preview of the Discovery Health Channel and their show is on. It's like I'm compelled to watch it.

I love how they seem to all get along. How there is peace and love in their house despite the fact that they have 18 children. (One more on the way) I know that for some people fame seems to ruin them but that does not seem to be the case for this family. They seem to be just as down to earth as they were when all of this started.

So, what is your obsession? What show can you not help but watch or who can you not help but cyber stalk? Come on... fess up....

Thursday Thoughts

Unsettled. That is the one word to describe me lately. I'm feeling very unsettled. My Children & Families lady is actually the one who pointed it out. Gave a name to a feeling I've been trying to put a finger on for a couple of weeks.

For so very long my life has been one crisis after another and now... well now it's not. Things in my life are calm for the first time in several years and I'm finding myself not sure how to adjust. For awhile I was still on edge. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it doesn't seem to be happening.

Last week Jake got the last of his things out of my garage and my space officially became my space again. This week he is working on getting his portion of the debts out of my name. When that is done the air will clear and life will just begin to be life again.

And while in my head all I have been wishing for is a normal quiet life I find myself crawling out of my skin now that I have been given it. Is this what normal people do?

Believe me when I tell you, I am THRILLED to have this life. I am sleeping again. Did I mention that? Sleep... oh how I have missed you.... I'm just in unfamiliar territory. Unsure what it is that "normal" people do. Is it really as easy as working, coming home, relaxing and going to work again the next day? That seems far to calm compared to what I am used to.

So I ask you, dear Internet readers, what do you do all day? Do you find yourself feeling unsettled with the boring and mundane of your life or are you happy for the peaceful rhythm of the familiar? Is it really this easy and this calm for "normal" people or am I missing something that will come and whack me upside the head later??

WW: Breakfast

Tuesday Talks

We are in the bathroom. He's on the big potty with no potty ring so I am squatting in front of him making sure that he doesn't go "splash."

His face is very solemn and serious. This is serious work after all. Then he opens his mouth to speak.

"You want to see my poop?"

"No".... **snort, giggle.... huge laughter.....** "No, I do not."

"Why? I want to see my poop!!"

It was at this point that I had to sit down. I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. It wasn't necessarily the nature of the question it was the dire seriousness with which he asked it.

This kid cracks me up.

Sleep is for the Weak

For the first time in about three weeks I actually slept last night.

Which means that today I am more tired than I have been in three weeks.

Why is that? When you actually get good sleep your body suddenly remembers... hey... here's how tired you REALLY were... can we go back to sleep again?

It's nice to finally be coming to a place where I feel like I can breathe again and my brain can stop spinning 24/7. Now if I could just get caught up on my sleep all would be well.

Happy Monday everyone... is it nap time yet?

The View From Here

The weekend was good. A meeting on Friday and dinner with good friends. Saturday I got to see my little sister after far too long and she is looking good. All her tubes and drains are out and the function in her arm is slowly starting to come back.

Today a family reunion and then just lying in bed watching Ratatouille (with the Rat Mommy) with the best little man a girl could ask for. Right now I am listening to him breathe over the monitor and getting ready for an early night myself.

Things here are calm and serene. As peaceful as the sunset I just watched out my back door. Exactly the way I prefer my life to be.

Friday Confessionals

Jake came last night to start moving his things out of our garage.

There is a large part of me that still can't believe that this is REALLY happening. I keep thinking someone is going to jump out of the bushes with a hidden camera and yell just kidding!! You really thought you could get rid of him??

I know that sounds mean and I don't intend for it to but here is the best way I could describe it to M last night. (And this sounds just as cryptic...)

Let's say you go out and you adopt a puppy. It is a very cute puppy and you think you will bring it home and house train it and love it forever. Only as this puppy starts to grow it gets big and mean and now you have a big mean dog that messes up your house and bites you.

So, you try to give it back to the breeder. Only they don't want the problem at their house. Their house is clean and mess free and without all the headaches that come from frequent visits to the court house because the dog has bitten yet another person.

So they give you a guilt trip about how you took on the responsibility of the dog and it can't possibly come back to live with them and so if you don't keep it, then the dog will be all alone and possibly get killed.

So you feel guilty, and you keep the dog. And it continues to mess up your house and bite you. But every time you try to give it back the breeders give you a guilt trip and so you let it stay.

Eventually you finally get up the courage to send it off to obedience school. But you promised the breeders and the dog that if it got some manners it could come back. Only while it is gone, you decide that you really don't love the dog any more and you really want it to not live with you anymore.

HOWEVER, eventually the dog gets out of obedience school and you promised it if it had manners it could come back to live with you and so the breeders are pressuring you to take the dog back and so you sort of feel like it is your obligation to keep the dog and you let it come back.

At this point, you know you don't want the dog but you sort of feel trapped so you resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be angry and miserable for the rest of the dogs life because you are stuck with it. You took it in and now it is your responsibility to let it stay.

When one gets to that level of acceptance of being miserable it is very hard to understand that one can be happy again. That there is another life out there and I am going to be able to have it. That I don't have to be miserable forever.

I had resigned myself to the acceptance that no matter what I did I was always going to be with Jake and I was always going to be unhappy. I had married him, for better or worse and I had an obligation to stay.

Does any of that make any sense?

So, excuse me if I continue to look over my shoulders or into the bushes for awhile. This new level of carefree, worry less living is just going to take me a minute to adjust to.

Thursday Thoughts

Ok, as is tradition on Thursdays we are going to talk about something that is rambling through my head. Today that something would be falling in love. I know, I know... how cliche. She just announces that she is seeing someone and now she's talking about love.

Would ya hold the rush to judgement for a moment here and hear me out? I have been dating M for a little over three months now. And while I'm not saying I'm in love with him what I am saying is I am beginning to feel a lot like Colbie Caillat's new song:


Colbie Caillat : Fallin' for you

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head


I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

So, my question to all of you who have been out in the real world is how do I know? When did you know you were in love with someone? And more importantly, once you knew, how long did you wait to tell them?

My only experience with relationships is from high school and I'm pretty sure that is not going to help me here. In high school you asked someone out and then you were "going out." Pretty sure that didn't happen here so I'm already in unfamiliar territory. We count how long we've been seeing each other from our first date.

Also, in high school I was in love within the first three weeks and planning the wedding by the end of the first two months. And again... THAT is not happening.... I waited a good 10 weeks to start picking out the wedding dress. (Kidding... MOM... I'm kidding... pick yourself up off the floor.) M has not met Zack yet and won't until we get past these three little words and into a place where we are wanting to have a future together so that's not what I'm asking.

I really just want to hear your stories. How did you know you were in love with someone? Once you knew how long did you wait to tell them? Did you wait for them to tell you first? Once you told them did you expect them to feel the same way?

This is all new to me. Waking up and wanting to spend time with someone. Thinking about them during the day because I want to talk to them, not because I'm worried and need to check up on them. All of this is uncharted territory and so I'm really just wondering how it works for other people in the "real world."

So... spill....

Wordless Wednesday

**You can click on the pictures to make them larger**

Wordy Wednesday

Because we will never... ever... just be quiet again....

I was all ready to put up a few pictures of Zack at the state fair tonight when I got home. And then... as is always the case... life had other plans. On March 14th Zack's life and my life changed forever. At the time I was intentionally vague with the details. Even just putting up the basics got me lambasted from someone who knew us in real life. So, I left out things. Things I didn't want aired here until I was sure what was happening.

And then life happened. We moved on, we created a different life for ourselves and looking back just seemed like a waste of time. However, sometimes the past refuses to stay gone. That was the case this morning.

Before I get to our conversation I think I need to give you the whole story... what really happened that day.

************************
He was downstairs with Zack when his phone rang. It was a girl but he turned it down really low so I couldn't tell. I already knew and even though I was already set on the divorce hearing it and seeing it right in front of me felt like sticking a dagger in my back.

I was in the process of bringing down his clothes so I brought down the rest of his clothes to the kitchen and told him that perhaps it would be best if someone else supervised visits from now on. He of course claimed they were just friends but became very hostile when I suggested that perhaps I should call her just to make sure she understood that he was still married and had still been asking me to get back together.

Sometime around 3:30 he said he was going to go. I told him that he would upset Zack if he left after 45 minutes and so I told him I would go upstairs. I was on the stairs, on my way up, when the first of the threats started. The first of them being that if I took Zack away he would kill himself and he would take me out with him.

Then came the physical intimidation. He climbed the stairs and got right in my face. At this point Zack was watching everything that was happening and I told him that he was scaring him and to just leave. He got out of my face, went and said goodbye to Zack and I thought it was all over. He was leaving.

Sometime between then and the door he changed his mind. Suddenly out of now where a glass was hurtling towards my head. I ducked and it hit a picture that was behind me. The glass exploded and when I looked up at the bottom of the stairs was Zack. Surrounded by glass shards that started where I was on the stairs and went all the way down the stairs and around his feet.

It was at this point that the mother bear instinct kicked in. I'm not sure what exactly I said but I think it was something along the lines of get the f$%^ out of my house. I came off the stairs and towards the kitchen. I had made it to the doorway between the living room and the kitchen when he came back at me again. His fist was out as if he was going to deck me and he was running full speed. All I remember was ducking and when I looked up he was heading for the door again.

I no sooner stood up than a full container of laundry detergent (economy size) was hurtling at my head. I ducked again and it hit the wall above my head and exploded all over the kitchen. Finally after that he was gone.

I locked the door behind him and I called 911.

I know I watched him peel out of the driveway, I know Zack was crying, I know I didn't give 911 my address because I was too upset but they got it anyway. The rest is all a blur.

After I hung up with them I called Miss Jessica. I wanted her husband to come down. They live less than two miles away and I was afraid if he came back to hurt me it would be just me. I figured he could get there before the police. He wasn't home but she came.

After calling her I called my mom. I was crying and could barely get the words out but she knew it was bad and she knew to come. Then I sat down on the couch, held my baby and we cried together.

*****************************
That brings us to this morning.....

Me: Zacky, hurry up. We have to leave.

Zack: I got puppy.

Me: Good, now come downstairs please we have to go.

Zack: I'm coming Mommy.

Me: Sit on your bottom please.

Zack: Why?

Me: So you don't fall and bonk your noggin.

Zack: Why?

Me: Because that would hurt if you fell down.

(He is about four stairs down and he sticks his face through the railing and starts to talk... first quietly... then a bit louder)

Zack: Daddy throwed a glass of water.

Me: Yes, he did.

Zack: Daddy is at Grandma Julie's now.

Me: Yes, he is.

Zack: Daddy is at Grandma Julie's because he was bad at our house. He was bad at our house so he stays at Grandma Julie's.

Me: Yes baby. That is where he lives.

Zack: Daddy hit. He hit you in the face.

(I suppose to him, what happened in our kitchen probably did look exactly like Jake hit me in the face because if I wouldn't have ducked that's what would have happened.)

Me: No baby. Daddy didn't hit me. Mommy ducked.

Zack: And... and... and... then you yelled. Daddy was bad at our house. He lives with Grandma Julie.

Me: Yes, mommy yelled because that was not nice and we don't do those things.

Zack: NO!!

*************************

5 1/2 months later and my son can still tell you exactly what happened that day. No one has drilled him. No one has given him details or asked him questions. And until this morning it had been over a month since he had told me this story.

And it still breaks my heart just as much to hear it.

When people talk about victims of domestic violence they often refer to the women. Sometimes they forget the children. I said here that Jake will probably never get what he did to me. Never fully understand it. And I'm ok with that. I have to be to be able to live my life every day.

But what I'm not ok with, what I'm having a much harder time getting over is that he may never fully understand what he did to his son. That just seeing that point on our stairs brings back that memory to him.

He is 2 1/2 years old and he remembers.

And for that reason... I will never be silent again....

Speaking Out

I submitted my story to a website called Violence UnSilenced. There is a two month wait to publish stories but I'm on the waiting list. I'm a bit nervous but excited all at the same time.

I'll put up a link when it is published.

Tuesday Talks

It is 6 am. As soon as my eyes open, my brain starts. This is ALWAYS how it has been for me but obviously I've never been with anyone who's brain works the same way.

M: Where are you going? Didn't you sleep at all?

Me: How are you functioning at this hour? Doesn't your brain ever sleep?

M: Nope

Me: It is exhausting dating someone who's brain works like mine.....

********************************

Discussing the skyscraper ride of DEATH at the fair:

My Dad: Sometimes you just have to live life. Just do it.

M: He's not really helping your cause is he?

Me: You exhaust me.

My Mom: Why? Because you are finally with someone who might actually win in an argument?

Me: Something like that.

*****************************

The meeting of the parents went well. I'm not sure what I was expecting. It was just a couple of hours at the fair but a good first start.

My mom's words were he seems nice.

I guess that's all I can ask for. :-)

Aunt Becky's Adventures

Last month dear Aunt Becky went to BlogHer. Unfortunately, she consumed one too many of these:

Passed out and was unable to attend the second day. There by leaving her with WAY too many business cards and no one to give them to. (Ok... so maybe her son got sick and she couldn't go back the second day... details... details....)

Being the kind soles that we are, Miss Katie and I volunteered to take Aunt Becky's business cards around town with us to show them a good time.

First things first, we attended my divorce party. While I look three sheets to the wind in the picture I assure you I was not. (Possibly only two.... What can I say... the water goes straight to my head....)

After the divorce party Becky's business card was just DYING to try riding a Harley so off we went into the sunset.

Since the divorce party the card has just been lounging around my house. Eating chips, drinking beer and generally refusing to pick up after it's self. Until this weekend, when it headed out with Katie and I on its next great adventure:

The Iowa State Fair

We made sure we arrived bright and early so that we could see all of the big items the fair is known for.

First we had to stop for JR mini donuts. Because NO fair experience is complete without a bag of donuts. 23 mini donuts... to be exact... but who is counting.... Of COURSE I didn't eat all of them. I would never be THAT woman... (And moving on....)

Next up on the list was a trip to see the world famous butter cow. Made with approximately 600 lbs of butter which would butter approximately 19,200 slices of toast.

Every year, in addition to the butter cow they also scuplt someting else in butter. There was a large controversey this year when they announced that they wanted it to be Michael Jackson. This controversey eventually lead to an on-line vote in which Michael Jackson was voted out. So instead, we got Neil Armstrong in honor of the 40th anniversary of the moon landing.

After seeing the butter cow Becky's card was so jazzed up about the fair that it wanted to pretend to be a cow. And of course, who are we to turn down such a request:

While it was at it, the card also decided it wanted to have its picture taken in this lovely sign. Ad for milk, or breast feeding ad in disguise.... you be the judge....

The next stop on our tour was to see the big bull. Because really... what trip to the fair is complete without seeing amazingly large livestock? And this one, happened to be the largest bull in state fair history weighing in at 3,378 pounds.

After the bull we mozied on over to see the big boar. We came across this sign in his barn and couldn't pass up the opportunity for another photo moment.

The largest boar was over 1,000 lbs and didn't move much from this position:

Although, I'm not sure he was very amused by the other half of that sign, right next to his pen....

After the bull and the boar we rounded out the card's large animal experience with the largest sheep.

Then it was on to the petting zoo. The card LOVED the camel:

But by far its favorite animal was the Zedonk:

Overall I think the card greatly enjoyed its trip to the Iowa State Fair with Katie and I. It was almost as good as Becky being able to be here in person. (Maybe next year... hint... hint....)

The card would just like to leave you with one final parting message:

Friday Confessionals

I'm dating someone.

He's meeting my parents on Sunday.

At the Iowa State Fair (only in Iowa people....)

Eeeek!!!

WW: My Daredevil

Tuesday Talks

Are you done?

No Mommy... **sigh** (possibly an eye roll)..... I'm waiting for my poopie to come out.

*******************

On the upside... Four days... no accidents. Dare I say we might be potty trained or will I be stricken down by a pile of wet undies when I go to pick him up tonight??

********************

For curious J who asked me a dozen and one questions the answers are up Through the Looking Glass as well as a few new posts.

New Bedroom

The bedroom set and new bedding arrived on Friday and Saturday while I was at the State Fair:

Friday Confessional I didn't post: I have an unhealthy LOVE of the Iowa State Fair!!

The amazing Miss Jessica came over and rearranged my room so it looked all beautiful when I got there. The result, it doesn't even look like the same room.

I'm hoping that this will help me to be able to sleep better at some point. I think that point might have been last night if I had gotten to bed at a decent hour. (Story for another day.... LOL)

Thank you Miss Jessica!! I LOVE it!!!

Thursday Thoughts

I haven't slept well in a week. I lay down, I close my eyes, I drift off but my brain... it NEVER shuts up. I have seen 2 AM so often this week it's not even funny. In fact this is getting damn ridiculous. Every night with the dreaming and the nightmares. Give it a rest already... really... isn't that what sleep is supposed to be?? Restful??

My new bed arrives on Friday and the wonderful Jessica has once again agreed to be my decorating extraordinaire. I'm hoping that with a new bed and a new look my room will once again become a place of rest and not a place of unrest.

So tell me dear Internets.... in your most admirable psycho babble.... do you think this will go away? Will I eventually sleep again? (Keep in mind if you tell me know I may have to hunt you down..... and I mean that in the nicest, most loving way possible... really.... :-)

WW: Sleeping Arrangements

February 16, 2007 - 1st time in Crib

December 22, 2007

April 29, 2009 (the Tent came off and the railing went down)

August 10, 2009

Lest you think I'm completely insane... the view from the hall way. :-)