Fond Memories

I saw a post over on Denice's site that started me thinking about this and so I thought rather than take up her valuable comment space I would just blog about it here. The issue that I am talking about is memories. Well, rather odd memory triggers.

Her friend Yna was talking about how much she dislikes the commercials for Viagra. For me, however, these commercials always make me laugh because they make me think of my grandma. I know that sounds strange but let me explain before you all go to your blogs to tell everyone not to read mine anymore because I'm some sort of pervert.

You see, my grandma was forever humored by these commercials. Not even the commercials really, but the disclaimer at the end. She found great amusement in the fact that at the end of every commercial for Viagra, Levitra, etc. it states see your doctor if your erection lasts more than 4 hours.

I can't even count the number of times that she said to me, "You know every time I go to the doctors office I look around for that man hunched over waiting to see the doctor after his four hours," and then she would laugh and laugh. The fact that my grandma was 80 years old and about 5'3" and 80 lbs only makes it seem more ironic to have it coming out of her mouth. She had been widowed for over 30 years when she passed away and as far as I know she had never even dated another man. So as far as I was concerned she never even THOUGHT about this topic,

However, without fail at every gathering we had where the TV was on she would mention it. I now find myself unconsciously looking around the waiting room for that one man sitting in the corner alone all hunched over. It is my strange way of never forgetting my grandma and all that she went through in her life.

So tell me, what strange memory triggers do you have? I can't be the only wierd one out there.....

Plot Foiled

Okay, I'm going to post something totally un-related to us to try to take my mind off the fact that it is day 19 and I STILL have not ovulated. Apparently my ovaries are attempting to be that minute percentage that don't ovulate consistently while on the same dose of Clomid. FUN times.

Oh, and also to take my mind off the fact that Jake's doctor can not get him in for a physical until the 8th of May so we probably won't be able to even start our 30 to 60 day wait for state approval until May 15th or so.

Okay... I'm not doing a very good job of distracting myself... on to other topics....

On Wednesday night my friend called me to tell me that someone had stolen her credit card. Well rather her credit card number. Lucky for her they were dumb criminals, as most criminals tend to be, and they did not know that to use a credit card without the ACTUAL card you also need the expiration date.

So, imagine her surprise when she went to pay for her shopping purchases and was told her card had been declined. Imagine her further surprise when she called the company and was told that someone had tried to charge numerous amounts on-line to her card but had gotten the expiration date incorrect. So, they hadn't actually charged anything, but the card had been shut off until the matter could be sorted out. (As a side note, don't you think a call front he credit card company would have been appropriate here instead of them just waiting for her to use it and then call them? I don't know, maybe it's just me.)

Anyhow, while on the phone with the credit card people they tell her that to cancel the card and have a new number issued her husband would have to call in, because he is the primary card holder. Yeah... problem. First of all, her husband does not pay the bills nor does he use the card so he has no idea which charges are real and which ones are not. Secondly, and most importantly she had used that card to buy him a super secret surprise birthday present.

Let me give you a little background information. In September her husband will be thirty. For as long as she has known him he has been a sports NUT. One of his favorite teams is the St. Louis Cardinals. So, while looking at games on-line she notices that they have a game on his birthday. She starts rolling this idea around in her brain and formulates a plan. She will buy tickets to this game in secret and surprise him.

Her master plan is to call his boss and request the day off for him. Then that morning as he's getting ready for work she will drop the bomb on him. No, you are not going to work today, I have your bag packed get in the car and let's go. She figures by the time they start heading towards St. Louis he will figure out where they are going, but by then she will still get to see the look of pure joy on his face.

So, flash back to the credit card lady. Jess tries to politely explain that her husband can not call in because he does not know about these tickets and obviously he will notice a $500 charge for tickets to a Cardinals game. The credit card lady, undeterred, explains that there is no way that she can cancel the card without the primary card holders authorization.

This is when Jess looses it. She begins to explain to the credit card lady, this time in a not so subtle way, that she will not allow her husband to call in unless she has this woman's guarantee that they will only go over the charges from ONE billing cycle. If they only go over the charges from the previous bill her husband will not see the ticket charge. However, if they go back any further he will most definitely find out and ruin her entire master plan. Finally the lady agrees.

She lies...

Jess's husband calls the company and at first they just go over the previous bill. Then somewhere in the process they decide that they will help him log on to the internet to view the bill on-line so he can see the charges as the woman on the phone is reading them to him. And this is where the bottom falls out of Jess's master plan.

At first he tries to play dumb, like he didn't see anything, but he slips up when he tells her, "Yeah and then we went back to the bill from February." Jess begins to, pardon my language, freak the f*ck out!! So her husband, still trying to play dumb attempts to cover his tracks. Well you see, I saw a charge for tickets, but I don't know what they are for.

In the end, it all comes pouring out. He knows what game and when he looks that game up on-line he will also know what date. So, by the time I hear this story at 8:30 on Wednesday night Jess is just devastated. She had worked so hard to try to plan this big surprise for him and it was all ruined. In her eyes the entire weekend would not be the same. I think one of the the worst parts for her was that her husband didn't understand what the big deal was. As far as he was concerned this was still and AWESOME present. I tried to explain to her that he would still be just as excited to go to the game, but it was to no avail.

So my questions to you lovely readers: Have you ever planed a big surprise, only to have it ruined? How did you deal with it? Any encouraging but we still had a great time stories would be great. Jess could really use the cheering up and me... well I'd just like to hear the stories to keep my mind busy!! :-)

Perspective

"I don't get it. What's the point?"

"What the commercial?"

"Yeah."

"Well it's a commercial for Vonage. It's saying that people do stupid things, like trying to go through a spinny door in a big red lobster costume. It's supposed to be funny."

"A spinny door?"

"Yeah, a spinny door."

Once I have composed myself and stopped laughing...

"Well when you put it that way, I guess it is pretty damn hilarious."

"I told you."

April Showers...

Somehow, I don't think the SNOW showers that we are currently having are what the inventor of this little rhyme had in mind!!

You know I distinctly remember the weather man saying last night, there will be light snow showers in South Dakota, but here we will just see rain.

Apparently, he lies....

50/50

Those are our odds of passing this home study. Slightly better than him laughing in our face, but not by leaps and bounds. So... now we wait. Well, that's not entirely true, Jake has to get a drug evaluation (to prove he's still clean and sober) and we both have to get physicals. Then he has to get a couple of reference letters and we have to fill out this big long form about the things on his record and how he has changed his life and why we should be approved, etc., etc.

Then we stuff that all into and envelope and send it off to the state. Then we wait. In 30 to 60 days, (hopefully by July) we will have our answer from the state. If we are approved then we can have the rest of the home study finished in a couple of weeks.

If we aren't (and let's face it there is a 50% chance of that...) then we keep going down the road we are going. If we don't get pregnant in another couple of years we can apply to the state again, since there will have been more time gone by with no incidents, and wait again.

For now, I'm going to try not to think about it and instead take it one day at a time. Today is day 14 of this Clomid cycle so with any luck I will ovulate soon, only hopefully without the pain of last month, and then we will... that's right... wait some more. I'm sensing a trend here, and all that keeps running through my head is a line from Rat Race

It's a race, it's a race... oh I hope I win...

Cleaning

The back porch... it is a beautiful site to behold. Jake cleaned it all by him self last night, which I think is a pretty fair trade off considering I have to do all 10 loads of laundry, clean the upstairs and pick up after him in the kitchen. (But that's another rant for another day...)

My big question for the day is what is it about men that makes them think they deserve a metal for doing mundane tasks that we take for granted? The porch is my example of the day. As soon as he was done I told him how nice it looked and I thanked him for cleaning it. (If a little praise is all it takes, I will gladly dish it out.) However, apparently a little praise, is not nearly enough.

I'm pretty sure my husband wants a plaque, a parade, and maybe a little pink poodle on a key chain.* He has reminded me at least 5 times that the back porch looks SOO nice and clean. Each time I have said, yes honey, it is very nice. Thank you for doing it.

I wish I could get that much praise for the things I do every day. Oh look honey, I unloaded the dishwasher. Don't the dishes look so nice and sparkling?


* For those of you who don't get this reference it's from one of my favorite movies, Double Jeopardy. It's a line in the end when they find out she's innocent.

Lions and Tigers and Home Studies??

Oh S#@$!!

Yesterday called the agency which was recommended by our agency to do an Iowa home study. They, in turn, referred me to an independent man who is a certified adoption investigator. Sounds all important doesn't it? So, I called this man to set up our home study. Imagine my surprise when out of his mouth pops, "How does Saturday morning work for you?"

Gulp.... "Saturday, oh sure that should work just fine." commence the extreme freakout!! I am just REALLY glad that Danette came and cleaned on Tuesday. I only had her do the downstairs, it was that messy, but the upstairs shouldn't take me too long.

That said, I'm still not calm about the whole process. I called Jake in a panic yesterday afternoon. "You have to mow the lawn right now. If you can't do it than have your friend come over because it looks like we are total rednecks and they are not going to give a baby to the redneck family that will loose their child in the grass in the front yard. I don't care if we have to pay him I just need it done NOW!!

I then proceeded to leave work early because on top of that I have to:

Do the laundry

Clean the dishes that don't "fit" in the dishwasher

Clean the back porch (after all that is his first impression of our house)

Dust and clean the upstairs

Figure out how to make it not smell like cat pee in that one corner of our bedroom that the cat peed in when he decided for a week that he didn't like his litterbox. A whole bottle of Urine Gone has not seemed to do the trick...

And then spend the rest of my two days COMPLETELY freaking out about Jake's record and what is on it and what will they say and thinking of every possible question that they could ask and making sure I have a well thought out appropriate answer that doesn't make me look like a total redneck because heaven knows my lawn is doing a good enough job of that.

Do you think I should go to Lowe's and get some flowers for our flower beds? Do empty flower beds show that we don't care about our house? Does not caring about our house show that we won't properly care for a child?

Sigh... breathe in and out....

I think I need some chocolate.......

Should I feel a sense of loss?

Last weekend, okay since it's Tuesday I guess it was two weekends ago, Jake and I were faced with a tough choice. In every infertile's life there comes this moment, about ever 28 - 35 days. The moment where you come to a fork in the road. You either continue with your treatments or you stop and decide to do something different.

Jake and I have decided to diverge from the well beaten path, much sooner than most people in our position. However, as you may remember from this post, this is not something new to us. Adoption is something that Jake and I have been talking about for as long as I can remember and it is something that I myself have been talking about even longer than that.

When we started out on this TTC (trying to conceive) journey we always said that we would not want to do IVF. We always said that we would adopt and in every case we were faced with people who just didn't understand. Once you try to have your own children (FYI: this is a term VERY often used by those outside of the adoption world, however, if you think about it for a moment you will understand why it is not a correct term. Won't any child we have be our "own" child?) they would tell us, you will feel differently.

Well, we've said it once, and we will say it again our feelings have not changed. We only have about four more months to get pregnant before we will give up and let God decide the rest. We are going to continue with the non-evasive treatments, however we have decided not to go further than that. We will take the Clomid for another 3 months, my doctor says I can only be on it for 6 months total. We will also have Jake tested and have the intrauterine dye test done. More for our own curiosity at this point than anything else. After that, if we chose to continue, the next step would be injectibles and beyond. And that, my friends, is the step we are not willing to take.

With injectibles, comes the risk of multiple births. Then you walk that line of do we carry the pregnancy to term and pray or do we selectively reduce. If we would choose to carry and I lost the pregnancy the emotional toll would be substantial. No less than the guilt I feel I would carry with me if I carried and gave birth to children with severe handicaps. If we choose to reduce than that carries with it a whole other set of worries. First and foremost, how do you choose? How much guilt would I be faced with when my child/children were born knowing that they had siblings that I chose to destroy? This is not a position that we ever want to put ourselves in. For this reason, injectibles are not an option for us.

Another reason would be that our insurance does not cover infertility treatments. So, we see no need to put ourselves through the emotional, physical, and financial woes that come with IVF or other evasive fertility treatments. This is a path which has been walked by many before us and can offer us no guarantees. Neither one of us feels the strong pull for a biological child. We are both very comfortable and confident that we will love our children no matter where they come from.

Today, I contacted the adoption agency that we have chosen to get the ball rolling. Since their fee is non-refundable we have decided to take things slowly. We will have a home study done along with finishing with the path we are on. The home study is our greatest source of concern right now. As most of you know, Jake was not a model young adult. So, before we go paying a large, non-refundable fee to an agency, we want to make sure that we can make it through the home study. The last thing we need is to get more emotionally and financially vested in this option and then have something he did when he was 18 come back and bite us in the ass.

Assuming that we pass the homestudy and sign with an agency we will not turn back from there. Many people have asked us, what happens when you get pregnant in the middle of the adoption process. Our answer, then we have two children. Since we see no difference in biological vs. adopted children we would see no reason to stop the process simply because our family would be larger than expected.

As for some other commonly asked questions:

Don't you feel like you will be missing something by not being pregnant?

No, not really. I do not have that pull like some women do to be pregnant. I want a child, I don't care if I give birth to him/her or not. Anytime I have imagined my life with a family there has always just been a child. I've never really had pregnancy dreams or that huge drive to give birth. To be honest with you that whole idea sort of scares the shit out of me.

Do you feel a sense of loss for not having a biological child?

Should I? I guess that answers that question, huh? The Friday before we made our adoption decision I had a dream. In my dream I was in an orphanage. It was somewhere in a Spanish speaking country and there were adoptive parents and children all around. None of the children came to us, however. Then finally over came a little girl and we just connected.

From the moment I woke up from that dream all I felt was peace. When Jake and I have talked about this adoption, peace. When I started my period on Monday after making this decision, peace. When I think about trying to conceive, anxiety like I have never felt before. I have spent the last eight months in a fog and have only just now emerged.

I suppose when you are in it, you can not see past it. However, looking back I realize that I have been very depressed over these last eight months. Trying to conceive was something we did because it was the route to take. It was what everyone expected of us, but I'm not sure it was ever really in my heart. Who knows, maybe my depression has caused us to be unable to get pregnant. Maybe I'm depressed because I can't get pregnant. We could go a whole round of which came first.

The point is, when I think about adoption none of that anxiety is there. I have been the happiest this last week that I have been in months!! I am a realist, and I know that we need to make it through this home study before we start painting any nurseries, but that doesn't change my level of enthusiasm. I feel about this, like many feel when trying to conceive. If we don't do it I will always feel like what if. I don't feel that way about IVF, I feel that way about adoption.

That said, I think I've rambled enough for one post. Feel free to leave any comments or questions that you have for me. I know that people have a lot of questions about this process and our decision and I am open to fielding any of them. If you want to e-mail them to me because you feel stupid asking or you don't want your name associated with them, feel free. I will post the answers in a later post (without your name of course).

Hello Internet!!

Hello?? Is anyone still out there or have you all given up on me!! It has been a CRAZY 2 weeks, filled with 140 hours at the office, and not much of anything else!! Today, however that will all come to a screeching halt!! YEAH!!

The post office in Des Moines has decided that this year, instead of staying open until midnight, they are closing their doors at 8:30 pm. If people aren't done by then, I guess it is tough luck to them. My day, however, will be ending much sooner. By 5:00 or 5:30 the entire office will be empty, except for one shareholder who will be frantically trying to extend his own return having 3 1/2 hours less to do it in, and we will all be off to our after tax party.

Last year the 15th fell on a Friday so the after tax party was one giant party for employees and spouses. Since it is on a Monday this year, I'm anticipating it will be a little calmer. Either way, I will probably be ready to go to bed by 9:00. My plan for tomorrow, sleep. Then maybe some sleep, and after that... oh yeah, more sleep. Somewhere in there, I also need to get caught up on about 30 blogs, and tell you about our recent happenings!!

I should be back tomorrow or Wednesday. Enjoy your tax day, I know I will!!

Lack of Justice

I will be MIA for a few more days. Until the 17th or 18th to be exact. But then, tax season will be over, and we have some exciting things to discuss. (No, I'm NOT pregnant, we have established that!!)

Until then, I just had to post something about this.

Killer Eligible For Parole When She Is 49

49?? This woman should NEVER be eligible for parole!! They should lock her away and NEVER let her see the light of day again!! Where is the justice here??

Charting

Here's why I love charting:

You know when you've ovulated. With out a doubt, there is a curve that goes above your baseline and poof... you've ovulated. None of this guessing or waiting around for progesterone results. You also know approximately how good your progesterone level is by how high your temperature goes. So, hearing that I had a good level last week, was not entirely a surprise since I knew my temps were .3 degrees higher than last month.

Now, here's why I hate charting:

You know when your cycle is a bust. You can tell when your temperatures start to fall, as mine did this morning, that the end is near. Before I was charting I could convince myself that the cramps I was feeling could be from pregnancy. After all many people report period like cramps right before they test positive for pregnancy. However, when you are charting you do not get those two extra days of maybe. I know that the twinges I'm getting in my uterus are not from a baby burrowing in for a nice long stay. They are from aunt flow, speeding down the road, knocking over mailboxes and old ladies in her rush to whip into my driveway and ring the bell. I'm back... did you miss me??

11 1/2

That's right. ELEVEN AND ONE HALF DAYS until I am a free woman!! Woo Hoo!! Yes, I am counting half a day. It is sort of like when you are a little kid and someone asks you how old you are. It is never the year... you count every day, and unfortunately this year my wait is two days longer. Damn weekend!!

Working 9 to 5....or not!

A friend of mine wanted to put a post on this site. They wanted to write about this on their blog, but since it is work related were unsure whether it was appropriate. So... I told them they could vent their frustruations here. (Since it is now 13 days to the end of tax season and I'm running VERY short on material!)

So, without further ado....

So, we are actively trying to hire for an open position at my place of employment. I have had several applications and resumes slide across my workspace in the past week and a half, but none that compare to the one that surfaced on my desk today.

How not to fill out an application….

Honesty is a great virtue to have in a potential employee, that is why I have found a candidate who displays this quality to it’s fullest potential: has written bad checks, various times may I add, been caught carrying a weapon, would that be a concealed weapon....and forgery by association, not quite sure on that one, I am still stuck on the weapon thing.

The candidate later states he/she has worked at a fast food chain for 5 months but had to quit because “The hassle trying to work around my injured knee”. Did I mention that our open position involves some labor?

She/he is educated though; she/he went to three highschools and four colleges where she/he proceeded to get C’s and D’s. Educationally cultured or should I say challenged?

Oh, and I have finally arrived to the references section of the application. The first reference is a lawyer that the applicant has known for 20 years. Hope that is not a sign of how long she/he was forging checks with a concealed weapon. The second reference works at a competitor of ours.Do you suppose her/his rehabilitation has begun yet?

When Paper Towels Attack....

After a discussion with the perpetrator....

we discovered that the paper towels did, in fact, throw the first punch. Making this a classic case of self defense. In light of that new evidence, no charges will be filed.

Progesterone

I just got my progesterone level back from the lab. 19.8!! YEAH!! So much better than last month's disappointing results!!

Cross your fingers for me will ya?? One more week before I can test. It's going to be a LONG week!!

Sudden Passing

My friend Danette called me yesterday to tell me that her uncle had passed away suddenly in his sleep. Her parents and her and the kids all headed to Ohio yesterday. Matt, her husband, called me yesterday afternoon to say that not only did one uncle pass, but the other uncle just got diagnosed with prostate cancer and the biopsy site is infected and so he may not get to attend his own brother's funeral.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as they try to deal with the sudden loss of one family member and the sickness of another.