Adoption Option

First a small disclaimer: I've been struggling with how to write this post for a couple of days now. I don't want to offend anyone, but at the same time, this is my blog and I should be able to post about what is on my mind. There have been certain things that I have kept off of this blog because I was "in the closet" so to speak. I kept some private things off of here for fear of the backlash that would ensue if I posted them. However, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am pretty much an open book. And to adequately post about this subject, I am going to have to discuss some previously unmentioned topics.

Therefore, if you are someone who thinks that private things should be kept off the internet please STOP READING NOW!! If you are going to e-mail me or talk about me behind my back or post some nasty anonymous comment because I posted my dirty laundry on the internet please STOP READING NOW!! It is MY dirty laundry, and I will do with it what I please!! Now, on to the topic at hand.

Why is it that any time Jake or I mention adoption we are looked at as if we have just pulled a monkey out of our asses? Is it really that hard to swallow that two people might WANT to adopt? That two, seemingly healthy people, might actually CHOOSE to adopt a child who is in need of a home, rather than have their "own"? Why is it so hard to accept that it might not matter to us where a child comes from?

For about 10 years, I have been discussing my desire to adopt with people in my family and have been faced with nothing but controversy and negativity. "Don't adopt", they say, "have your own children!!" As if an adopted child would not be my own child. At one point, I was even told that my adopting a child from overseas would just encourage the people over there to have more children because they know that they can give them to "rich" Americans.

When I was in high school, my desire to adopt was dismissed as a crazy talk by a kid who didn't know anything about the real world. Some people even told me that the only reason I wanted to adopt was because I have a desire to save people. Ten years later, I have yet to understand how my want to help a child in need is a bad thing, but apparently it is.

A lot of people also think that adopted children have social and/or mental issues. They assume that because they are orphaned, and/or given up they will not bond with you properly and it will be nothing but hard times. "Look at so and so," they say, "they adopted two children and had two biological children and those two adopted children have been nothing but trouble." The problem I see here is that I'm not sure being adopted has anything to do with them having mental issues.

All over the world there are people who have biological children who have a lot more problems than adopted children. There's nothing to say that I couldn't get pregnant and give birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome. If I am to believe these people, I should assume that Jake must have been adopted. He had A LOT of issues in high school. He was addicted to drugs he almost didn't graduate but wait, he wasn't adopted was he?

I should also assume that I must have been adopted. I had mental issues in high school (no cracks about how I still do, that is another day, another post). I thought that at 102 pounds I was fat. I would go days, sufficing on very little food. Does that mean that I must have been adopted?

Yes, I'm also aware of the fact that I may not get a complete medical history of a child, and that something could arise medically with them in the future. However, I could get pregnant, and go into early labor and deliver a premature baby. That baby could have brain damage, be blind, deaf, or have cerebral palsy. (All possible consequences of premature birth)

There is cancer on my side of the family and addiction on his so isn't that just as much of a risk as adopting? As a child, my sister couldn't say her R's properly!! Dear lord, we better just adopt. Having biological children could be too risky. After all, who wants a child who walks around saying, "Mom, I just saw a wabbit."?

Another thing that I have heard just about enough of is if you had made better choices in high school then you would be pregnant already and we wouldn't be hearing about this adoption nonsense. Let me just clear the air a little here. Yes, I have had some female issues. Yes, some of them probably could have been avoided. Not everyone makes really smart choices when they are 19 and 20. And just for the record, at the moment we are not sure I'm ovulating. My mother did not ovulate, it has NOTHING to do with my prior female issues. It also has NOTHING to do with our desire to adopt!! We would like to adopt whether we can have biological children or not.

More, do you sill want more? Let's see, here's one: Aren't you rushing into this? You've only been trying to have a baby for a few months, what if you start the adoption process and then you get pregnant? Um, then I have two children!! I could never imagine starting the adoption process and then just stopping because I got pregnant. Money and God willing we would love to do both.

Which brings me to another point I have heard. If you adopt, than you could never have biological children, and vice versa because after all even if you didn't mean to, you would love your biological children more and that would not be fair to your adopted children. Holy CRAP… I have to take a step back from this one. I was floored when I heard it. I can not imagine EVER loving any child of mine more or less because they were biological.

Having genes in common with a child has never mattered much to me. I've always said that someone could drop a baby off on my doorstep and I would love it just the same as if I had given birth to it. When people talked about IVF I would always say that I would never want to do IVF. For the same price you could do adoption and have the guarantee of a child when you are through.

The answer I have been continually given was wait until you are in that position. It is different when you are TRYING to have a child. Then you will really want a biological child. Well people, we have now been off birth control for 5 months and I can honestly say to you that my feelings have not changed. In fact, if anything, I have been leaning more towards adoption now than ever. I have been searching through dozens of adoption websites, learning about domestic vs. foreign. Different requirements in different countries, etc. If I thought that Jake and I could be approved for adoption I would already have the paperwork filled out. And that, brings me to my next point.

Why don't we stop talking about it and just adopt already? Now this one is a tough one, and I'm not sure I know exactly how to answer it. My husband has a past. This is one of the reasons we decided to try for biological children before we pursued the adoption route. I have not yet been able to get all of the facts on this but it appears that we must wait until certain issues are somewhere between three and five years in the past. So in a way, adoption is not second choice for us because we can't conceive it's a second choice because of extenuating circumstances.

Okay, so with all of our dirty laundry officially aired it's time for me to put the ball back in your court. What do all of you think? Am I crazy because I think it is just as wonderful to give a home to a child that needs one as it is to have biological children? Do you think it is possible to feel differently about biological children than you do about adopted children? If any of you have adopted, or considered adoption, what are some of the other issues you have encountered, and how did you deal with them?

I have recently distributed this website address to about 80 people, not to mention the people who have randomly stumbled upon it, so I know you are out there. Please take the time to comment now, I would really appreciate it. Post anonymously if you are afraid of people knowing who you are, just please keep all comments at an adult level.