Friday, December 30, 2005

Adoption Option

First a small disclaimer: I've been struggling with how to write this post for a couple of days now. I don't want to offend anyone, but at the same time, this is my blog and I should be able to post about what is on my mind. There have been certain things that I have kept off of this blog because I was "in the closet" so to speak. I kept some private things off of here for fear of the backlash that would ensue if I posted them. However, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am pretty much an open book. And to adequately post about this subject, I am going to have to discuss some previously unmentioned topics.

Therefore, if you are someone who thinks that private things should be kept off the internet please STOP READING NOW!! If you are going to e-mail me or talk about me behind my back or post some nasty anonymous comment because I posted my dirty laundry on the internet please STOP READING NOW!! It is MY dirty laundry, and I will do with it what I please!! Now, on to the topic at hand.

Why is it that any time Jake or I mention adoption we are looked at as if we have just pulled a monkey out of our asses? Is it really that hard to swallow that two people might WANT to adopt? That two, seemingly healthy people, might actually CHOOSE to adopt a child who is in need of a home, rather than have their "own"? Why is it so hard to accept that it might not matter to us where a child comes from?

For about 10 years, I have been discussing my desire to adopt with people in my family and have been faced with nothing but controversy and negativity. "Don't adopt", they say, "have your own children!!" As if an adopted child would not be my own child. At one point, I was even told that my adopting a child from overseas would just encourage the people over there to have more children because they know that they can give them to "rich" Americans.

When I was in high school, my desire to adopt was dismissed as a crazy talk by a kid who didn't know anything about the real world. Some people even told me that the only reason I wanted to adopt was because I have a desire to save people. Ten years later, I have yet to understand how my want to help a child in need is a bad thing, but apparently it is.

A lot of people also think that adopted children have social and/or mental issues. They assume that because they are orphaned, and/or given up they will not bond with you properly and it will be nothing but hard times. "Look at so and so," they say, "they adopted two children and had two biological children and those two adopted children have been nothing but trouble." The problem I see here is that I'm not sure being adopted has anything to do with them having mental issues.

All over the world there are people who have biological children who have a lot more problems than adopted children. There's nothing to say that I couldn't get pregnant and give birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome. If I am to believe these people, I should assume that Jake must have been adopted. He had A LOT of issues in high school. He was addicted to drugs he almost didn't graduate but wait, he wasn't adopted was he?

I should also assume that I must have been adopted. I had mental issues in high school (no cracks about how I still do, that is another day, another post). I thought that at 102 pounds I was fat. I would go days, sufficing on very little food. Does that mean that I must have been adopted?

Yes, I'm also aware of the fact that I may not get a complete medical history of a child, and that something could arise medically with them in the future. However, I could get pregnant, and go into early labor and deliver a premature baby. That baby could have brain damage, be blind, deaf, or have cerebral palsy. (All possible consequences of premature birth)

There is cancer on my side of the family and addiction on his so isn't that just as much of a risk as adopting? As a child, my sister couldn't say her R's properly!! Dear lord, we better just adopt. Having biological children could be too risky. After all, who wants a child who walks around saying, "Mom, I just saw a wabbit."?

Another thing that I have heard just about enough of is if you had made better choices in high school then you would be pregnant already and we wouldn't be hearing about this adoption nonsense. Let me just clear the air a little here. Yes, I have had some female issues. Yes, some of them probably could have been avoided. Not everyone makes really smart choices when they are 19 and 20. And just for the record, at the moment we are not sure I'm ovulating. My mother did not ovulate, it has NOTHING to do with my prior female issues. It also has NOTHING to do with our desire to adopt!! We would like to adopt whether we can have biological children or not.

More, do you sill want more? Let's see, here's one: Aren't you rushing into this? You've only been trying to have a baby for a few months, what if you start the adoption process and then you get pregnant? Um, then I have two children!! I could never imagine starting the adoption process and then just stopping because I got pregnant. Money and God willing we would love to do both.

Which brings me to another point I have heard. If you adopt, than you could never have biological children, and vice versa because after all even if you didn't mean to, you would love your biological children more and that would not be fair to your adopted children. Holy CRAP… I have to take a step back from this one. I was floored when I heard it. I can not imagine EVER loving any child of mine more or less because they were biological.

Having genes in common with a child has never mattered much to me. I've always said that someone could drop a baby off on my doorstep and I would love it just the same as if I had given birth to it. When people talked about IVF I would always say that I would never want to do IVF. For the same price you could do adoption and have the guarantee of a child when you are through.

The answer I have been continually given was wait until you are in that position. It is different when you are TRYING to have a child. Then you will really want a biological child. Well people, we have now been off birth control for 5 months and I can honestly say to you that my feelings have not changed. In fact, if anything, I have been leaning more towards adoption now than ever. I have been searching through dozens of adoption websites, learning about domestic vs. foreign. Different requirements in different countries, etc. If I thought that Jake and I could be approved for adoption I would already have the paperwork filled out. And that, brings me to my next point.

Why don't we stop talking about it and just adopt already? Now this one is a tough one, and I'm not sure I know exactly how to answer it. My husband has a past. This is one of the reasons we decided to try for biological children before we pursued the adoption route. I have not yet been able to get all of the facts on this but it appears that we must wait until certain issues are somewhere between three and five years in the past. So in a way, adoption is not second choice for us because we can't conceive it's a second choice because of extenuating circumstances.

Okay, so with all of our dirty laundry officially aired it's time for me to put the ball back in your court. What do all of you think? Am I crazy because I think it is just as wonderful to give a home to a child that needs one as it is to have biological children? Do you think it is possible to feel differently about biological children than you do about adopted children? If any of you have adopted, or considered adoption, what are some of the other issues you have encountered, and how did you deal with them?

I have recently distributed this website address to about 80 people, not to mention the people who have randomly stumbled upon it, so I know you are out there. Please take the time to comment now, I would really appreciate it. Post anonymously if you are afraid of people knowing who you are, just please keep all comments at an adult level.

12 comments:

Kim said...

I think other people are always going to ask questions like you mentioned and its not always ill intended (sometimes, but not always). The truth is the majority of the public is uneducated about adoption and false notions are only furthered by the media (and people who know someone, who knows someone.....). The thing is, people always tell bad adoption stories. Its not very exciting to say, "well so and so adopted and everything turned out great." When we first decided to adopt, we had to educate everybody around us consistently for about a year. Eventually, as time went on during our process people began to get as excited as we were. After Gabriel came home, well, who couldn't love him...really? Now we are faced with a lifetime of appropriate and inappropriate questions. Unfortunately, questions just come with the territory.

Only you and your husband can really decide what is right for your family. My only recommendation is that you research adoption, more specifically parenting an adoptive child. It presents a different set of challenges and parenting commitment. Like you mentioned, every child comes with its own set of needs and troubles. However, its important to the future child to know their unique needs. (I'm sure the adopters in blogland could recommend some great books). Its not crazy to want to give a child a home, however its important to go into this fully educated. I think some people start the process with highly romantic notions (not saying you are doing that, but I've seen others). Adoption is amazing and wonderful, but its important to be grounded in reality.

I can tell you this. Right now, I have a beautiful baby boy sitting on the floor next to me playing with some blocks and jabbering nonesense. He is the sweetest, most precious, incredibly beautiful baby I have ever seen. When he smiles at me he melts my heart and I couldn't love him more if I carried him in my body.

Anonymous said...

People will ask a lot of questions, and mostly it comes from fear and ignorance.

I think there is nothing wrong with having biological children and adopted children. If I have that option in the future, I will.

Like stillhoping said, you have to research it. Make educated decisions. There are tons of great books on all stages of adoption and tons of great adoption blogs.

When it come down to it though, a kid is a kid. I've got a 9 year old, with abuse/neglect history, 23 moves, residential treatment, etc, but she is a great little kid and I'm her mom no different than if I've given birth.

Anonymous said...

Heather,

It sounds to me like you have your head in the right place as far as adoption goes. You've thought about it. You're aware that people have negative feelings about it. Know that most of those negative feelings come from fear and not knowing and ignorance. Most importantly, you're already ready to fight and defend your choice to adopt in a way that educates rather than offends. And possibly most importantly of all, you are always considering the child.

People are dumb and, for the most part, don't get it. They see adoption as a second choice even if you do not. You have to show them how it can be a first choice, and once the child gets there, they will do the rest.

As for the people who say that you might not love an adopted child as much as a bio--ugh to that! Are you blood related to your husband? Are the people asking you these questions blood related to all of their loved ones?

Good luck. You are starting off with gangbusters!

xoxo
karen/naked ovary

Maya said...

Hi Heather (oops, almost typed "Heater") I stumbled onto your blog from The Naked Ovary (poor Karen! I hope the CCAA will hurry the hell up already), just so you know. I share many of your feelings about adoption- I'm in total agreement with you that it is wonderful, in some ways even better than bio kids - who knows where these little ones would end up if not for adoption?

I do think it is possible to feel differently about your adopted children (as in: love and treasure them more, because you waited so darn long for them!) but I also think that you feel differently about each one of your kids, adopted or bio, because they are all individuals. You know? I love my mom/dad/husband/sisters in different ways, because they are All Different People, and I'd like to think I would do the same for our kids.

We have not adopted, but the more I read about it (blogs, etc) and see our friends with their adopted kids (from China, America, etc) the more excited about it I get. Unfortunately, DH seems to go with the "our own kids" (duh they are all your "own" kids!) theory, which is quite interesting to me since he had a vasectomy about 3.5 years ago. Than again, he also thinks we can wait till
I'm 30-something and he's in his late 40's and than suddenly pop out a tribe of boys who are all over six feet tall (I know he's kidding about this but...) To summarize: I think that it will be Worth the Wait of 3-5 years for your hubbys' "stuff" to "clear the system".

Sorry for making my first comment a small novel - drop by my blog any time -
maya/chocklate on blogger

Anonymous said...

Hello all....I would be the "ignorant" one again! Yes....I made the comment to Heather the other day about loving adopted children differently then biological children. She was telling me all of the controversy she has received about her feelings toward adoption and I told her, "The only thing I would be worried about is unconciously loving my "own" children differently than my adopted children or vice versa", I went on to say that a person would never know how they would feel until they had one child adopted and one child biologically. I don't think than any parent would set out to love or favor one over the other but you just never know until you are put in that position.

One thing I think is interesting in all the comments I have read is that, no one has said anything about how the adopted child may feel being adopted especially if they have siblings who are biological children. I can speak from experience a little bit on this one. My dad is really my step dad ( do not know my biological father )and although I love him like he is my "real" father, I am not sure that I would have felt that close to him if him and my mom would have had children together. I had tremendous issues feeling like my biological father never wanted me etc. and I can say at 26, no matter how much you love your adopted parents you never get over the wonder of someone not wanting you. Anyone who knows me and my parents are probably not aware that my father is my step dad, unless I have told them. However a few years back my mom got sick and we didn't know what was going to happen and for a short while I worried that something would happen to her and my dad would leave me because with my mom gone he had no legal responsiblity to me. Okay so....In hindsight this was probably rediculous to feel that way because I know my step dad loves me but the intensity of the fear at the time would make me hope another child would never have to feel those same fears.

The other topic no one has touched on is, if a couple choses to adopt and their family and/or friends have issues with it, how should the parents sheild their children if the adults are not adult enough to put their believes aside?

Heather-I have openly shared my feelings with you about you and Jake having children. I would feel the same way if you had biological children or adopted children.
I think that you would be a good mom no matter how a child enters your life and I think Jake will be a good father if and when he is ready to be. I hope you know that no matter what happens, as your friend, I support you!

Anonymous said...

Oops, sorry typo's....belief's
Not illiterate, just can't type. :)

Anonymous said...

How can providing love and security to a child, any child, be wrong? Educate yourselves on all aspects of the issues from those that have traveled the path and most importantly, follow your heart. I think you'll do great!!

Anonymous said...

You go girl good blog!! Ya know,why can't people mind their own business sometimes-Some don't get it!!People can adopt or get pregnant-- it's up to them.What gets me is that people assume that all couples want kids.NOT EVERYONE marries to have or want kids.We know several couple like this and they are not weird or SINNERS!!! People get over yourselves.IT"S THEIR LFE and THEIR choice about it.So Heather and Jake go for it if you want WE SUPPORT BOTH OF YOU!! LOVE LOTS Kim#2

Unknown said...

Good luck with having a baby - however you do it.

Ditsy Chick said...

Kudos to you for wanting to adopt. I had always thought it would be something I wanted to do. Especially, children that were not easy to adopt out.

You may want to make up your mind before you get pregnant though. Or, you could adopt later.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog site. Thank you for your comment on mine.

We share something in common, I think. I never really wanted to have my own child. I've never even been pregnant. I used to talk about adopting a child when I was 5 or 6 years old. When I was 15 I held a baby in a Mexican orphanage and spent the whole day with her. I KNEW when I had to say "good bye" that I HAD to adopt. I didn't feel a need to procreate for my genes sake. To me, a child born of a womb is no less worthy of my love that a child born of my heart.

I like your heart and willingness to speak your truth.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled on to your blog by randomly googling, but I'll stop to say that I completely agree with you. The world needs more people like you.