Unwritten

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

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The story of the rest of my life starts today......

Friday Confessionals

He Signed.....

On the dotted line.....

He didn't decline.....

He just signed.....

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I sign today.

The court signs on Wednesday.
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The party is Wednesday night.

WW: Well... I tried....

Law of Two Year Olds

A certain two year old, will, every day of the week sleep until 7:00 or 7:30 requiring you to wake him up for daycare.

ACCEPT.....

The night you stay up until 1:00 am working in your office.

That morning he will wake you up at 5:30 with a rousing rendition of "I waked up Mommy!!"

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It's gonna be a long day....

Tuesday Talks

"Mommy do we have money at home."

"Why do you need money at home?"

"I need my quarter."

"Why do you need a quarter?"

"I just do?"

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Don't say why Mommy."

"Oh really......"

"Just say yes."

Don't I have a few more years before we are supposed to be having this conversation??

All Before 7:30 In the Morning....

"Mommy my eye hurts."

"Well let me look at it... did you get something in it?"

"Yeah... my eyeball is in it!!"

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We are working on potty training. He is walking around our kitchen this morning sans diaper after successfully completing one trip and running back and forth about 3 more times just in case.

"Now don't you go potty on my floor."

"I won't."

"Are you sure??"

"I won't Mommy. I'm holding on to it."

I look down...

he is in fact... holding on to it.....

Anger, Fear & Frustration

Early this morning I received a message from a friend. A friend who was expecting a baby any day now. The message was telling me that her daughter had passed away. And all I could do was stare at the screen and wonder if I was reading it wrong.

I'm not as close to this friend as I once was yet I can not get this out of my head. There are several blogs that I read of people who have had babies who were born still but this is someone I know, not someone in the computer and somehow it seems so much more real this way.

I don't know any details at this point and really they are probably just details because the most important thing is that tonight she should be holding her new daughter and instead her arms are empty. And that makes me angry. It makes me angry for so many reasons.

Angry that some people get to screw up with their children and get chance after chance and she is a good person, a wonderful mother and yet she will never get a chance to know her second born child here on earth. And that seems horribly unfair to me.

It is late, yet my mind won't rest. This piece of information has dragged up all sorts of demons I thought I had laid to rest.

Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers tonight. I know I will.....

Lindsay's Fight

Well, not the news I wanted to report but I am back posting over at my sister's site again. Lindsay had to be admitted to the hospital again for infection and pancreas troubles.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I know she needs it!!

Thursday Thoughts

Maya Angelou said this:

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

Cuz I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

- Missy Higgins (Where I Stood)

I'm back over on the other side (Maybe I should start calling it through the looking glass) trying desperately to keep my head above water again. E-mail me if you need the directions.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

- Maya Angelou

WW: Big Helper

Tuesday Talks

"Zacky where is Mommy's Brain? I think I've lost it this morning can you help me find it?"

Looking intently around the back porch... I chuckle to myself as I lock the door.

"It's inside Mommy."

"No baby, mommy was just kidding. It's in my head, just like yours."

Puts his hand to the top of his head.

"No it's not.... that's hair!!"

Ahh... the Joys of the Internet...

This morning I went into my e-mail and was a bit shocked to see a comment on the post about my sister having absolutely nothing to do with my sister. The comment was rude and cutting and signed anonymously as all good comments of that nature are. So I deleted it. Figured that would be the end of it.

However, as I should have learned by now... that was not to be the end. On June 13th I celebrated 4 years of blogging on this forum. Over that time I have come to realize that people like this will come and go and often the ones that make the most noise come back again and again to make sure their noise is heard.

Then others get upset and tell me how awful I am for taking down the comments because obviously I can't handle a little criticism and I'm only leaving up what I want to hear.

So.... seeing no good reason not to let their noise be heard I thought I would just put it up here, in all of its glory. Because SHIT like this just DEMANDS to be read.....

Seriously, that's the card you're going to play. Don't get me wrong,
this comment isn't some personal vendetta. I do not know you. I found your site
about 1.5 years ago because through a friend of mine that's followed you from
nearly the beginning. She was always talking about your site, so I thought I'd
read it so I knew what the heck you were talking about. Most of the time, I
completely agree with you... but not this time!!!

What you're talking about, what happened with you and your sister, is
NORMAL. A LOT of kids do that, and most start in their teenage year. I resented
my brother when he was better at sports than I was and never attended any of his
games either. I hated him with a passion. Mind you, he is 3 years older than me,
and it's brother/sister instead of 2 girls, but it's the same concept. My
parents said the same things, and years later we are best friends.

I cannot believe that you're taking the opportunity to blame this on
your (soon to be) ex husband. He had NOTHING to do with it! If you weren't with
him, you would've had the same feelings for your sister and you eventually
would've found your sister again, just like you did. Timing may have been a
little different, but it's not his fault that you had a sister, hated her, then
fell in love with her all over again.

Shame on you for using him as a scapegoat for this. It's enough for me
to delete you from my daily list!

What I really love about this is how they take the first sentence to tell me that this isn't a personal vendetta. Sort of like saying don't take this personally but you are a complete ass and a waste of human life. See? It hurts less when I tell you not to take it personally right??

The other thing I love is how they state right up front, I do not know you. That right there is a signal for my brain to shut off. If you have been reading blogs for any length of time you would know right up front that what you read here is less than half of my life.

I don't come here and tell you every detail and unless you are reading my private blog you don't know the struggles I go through on a daily basis just to try to make my life manageable and to try to move past all the things that have happened to me.

I have never, ever in any way shape or form tried to blame ANYTHING on my ex. Please... READ what you are commenting on before you attack me. I take full and complete responsibility for the choices I made in my life. No where have I ever said it is because of him. Always because of ME... MY choices to live MY life that way.

As far as I know I was never locked away in a tower with the key thrown away. I was an idiot... I will be the first to admit that, but I had choices. There was never a time when I couldn't have said yeah... hey... don't want to do this any more. I didn't and believe me when I tell you I feel BAD about that. Don't really need you rubbing it in... but thanks for the reminder. Always helpful to be cut down by people who know nothing about me.

See, two months ago when I was in a much darker place I would have really been upset by this. I would have let it eat away at me and ruin my day. But today... if you want to be heard... there you go I have let you be heard.

Now you get to listen to me.

I reserve the right to take down any comment I feel is rude or off the point. It is my blog, if you don't like it, don't read it.

When I write something about my little sister, a post which took me a lot of tears to write and you come on to my blog and throw me under the bus because you didn't understand what I wrote rather than e-mailing me to ask me about it... I'm going to delete it.

I take full 100% responsibility for the really shitty choices I made in my life and the train wreck that it became. I'm standing up in front of all of you with a giant neon sign pointing down at me.

IT

WAS

ME!!

I thought that part was perfectly clear. You want to attack me now... it's open season on Heather... use this post as your stomping ground... but DON'T you dare destroy a post that is about my baby sister.

one...

two...

three...

go.....

Good Sister?

On Friday Lindsay was able to leave the hospital, mostly on her own two feet, and head for home. At that point I turned the reigns to her blog over to her. So here I am, back again.

When I put up the post over there, saying that I would be coming back over here I got a lot of comments stating what a good sister I was for keeping up the blog and how close we must be and for some reason, of which I can't quite put my finger on, those comments bothered me.

Now I realize why people said them. And I realize that they are grateful that they were able to keep up on her progress but does it really make me a good sister? Isn't that just what a sister is supposed to do?

As for how close we are... I've been doing A LOT of thinking about this lately.

My sister and I are two years apart. Until I was about 22 years old I was convinced she was the spawn of Satan and I would hate her forever. My sister and I didn't just have fights. We had knock down, drag out, break things in the house by throwing them at my head (yeah... she did most of the throwing... she was bigger than me....) fights. The kind that make your parents want to lock you both in your rooms until you are 18 and then let you out only so you could gather your belongings and

go.

live.

somewhere.

else.

So many fights and so much ill will that I do not remember one single event of hers that I attended. She was in Volleyball, Basketball, and I think Track and Softball. Yet I didn't attend one single game. And right now, that makes me sad. I have gone to a few of my nieces softball games and was supposed to go to one of my nephews this weekend but was unable because of a wonderful stomach virus. Those 3 or 4 games I have attended of theirs are more than I ever attended of my own sisters.

Part of this, I can tell you right now is because of the life I was living and the choices I was making about babysitting my partner instead of living my own life. Part of this I can see as me taking back my own life but part of it was also this huge animosity that was between us.

I have several vivid memories of telling my parents that once I graduated high school I would never speak to her again.

And them in turn telling me that she was my sister and one day I would realize how much I love her and she would be the maid of honor in my wedding...
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They were right....
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Damn parents and their knowing things.....

I don't know when it changed. I don't know if it was over night or slowly but suddenly my sister and I just started talking like two normal people. She was the maid of honor in my wedding but she was also the pain in my ass when I was pregnant.

Then last year she got pregnant and she almost died after having Landen (oh yes... this is twice in one year... we have to have a discussion about this.....) and suddenly all of that crap between us didn't seem to matter any more. Suddenly all that mattered was that she was my sister.

Often over the last two weeks I have wondered, if I had found Al-anon sooner (I had been in a little over a year when Landen was born) would we have been close sooner? Did I stay away because I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't have time for anyone else? Or like so many other things in life did time just take time?

I may never know the answer to that but I can tell you that this accident has forever changed my view of my sister (she's a rock star by the way... all the new blogs on her site... typed by her... with ONE hand....).

We may not have been good sisters before but I think we will be much better sisters now!!

Welcome

***Scroll down for new posts... I'm leaving this one at the top for a week or so***

Yesterday I installed a Stat Counter on my Sister's web page. This morning when I got in it shows that she has had 534 hits since midnight. WOW!! That's all I have to say... WOW!! I can't believe the way the on-line community has really rallied around her. I know having all of them praying for her has been what has helped her to get this far in her recovery.

As is usually the case, some of the people from over there have followed me back here. So I just wanted to say a quick welcome to any of you who are new. Things around here have been kind of quiet as I've been pretty focused on Lindsay's recovery.

However, feel free to poke around at the old archives. Perhaps you will find something you like that will get you to come back, but if not, glad you stopped by and keep up the prayers for my sister. She needs all of them she can get.

For those of you regulars who read my boring drivel day in and day out... I'll be back in full force soon. Until then I'm going to leave this post on the top and post any new items just below it for about the next week or so.

Friday Confessionals

I still, over two years after the worst of it, 4 months after the last of it, have flashbacks. Two years ago it was every single day, multiple times per day. 4 months ago it was at least once a day.

Now, sometimes I can go a full day, maybe two without thinking about any of it. Then for no apparent reason I will be driving along in the car and I will get "lost" in one. They hit me suddenly, sometimes without provocation and I'll be right back there in it. The panic attack usually follows.

People often think that when the situation is over it will go away. Like because he is gone I should be better. In fact several of them have asked why I continue to go to Al-anon. When I can go a week, a month without a flashback I will consider myself marginally better and possibly able to miss one of my meetings if I have something else to do.

When I can go a year.... I might consider myself better. It took me over 10 years to get here, I have a feeling it might take me just as long to get back.

More Prayers

At 4:36 am this morning my cousin and his girlfriend welcomed their first son into the world. Unfortunately their joy was quickly replaced with fear as they realized that little Camden is suffering from a bowel obstruction and has to be transferred to the Children's Hospital away from his mommy and daddy.

Your prayers have worked miracles for my sister. Please now, lift up this family in your prayers. The next few days could be very rough for them.

WW: Fearless

Helpless

Sometimes, without even knowing it, children can be very insightful. This weekend I took Zack to see Inny (this is what he has called my sister since he was very little). Zack knows that Inny has an owie on her belly and that's why she is in the hospital. While we were there he said to me:

"Inny has an owie on her belly... but I can't see it."

This is very much how I feel about my sister's recovery right now. Somewhere, Lindsay has an owie. I can't see it but it is still there. Still just as real as the one running up her stomach or the three on her arm.

Lindsay has been struggling for the past week. Trying so hard to fight against the depression and the anxiety that one feels when trying so hard to get better and yet continuing to feel pain. She wants to see improvements and while we can look back and see how far she has come, for her there is still just pain and daily struggle.

There's a part of me that wants to jump in there and tell her to get over it. Be grateful to be alive and be so thankful that God is not finished with her yet.

Then there is the other part of me that knows that doing that is not going to help her. I too have spent time in my own personal hell and no amount of screaming from the outside can get through to you until you are ready to fight for your life.

As I was waiting for the elevator after visiting her at noon I heard a woman on the phone. She was talking about God's plan. "I have my schedule in my head of how this should go and how I want it to go but in the end only God knows how it will go." A lot of times I think I loose sight of that. I am not in control.

As much as I want to get in there and fix her, make her walk, make her eat I can't. She has to do that for herself, in her own time and in God's own time. He saw fit to let her live through this and has brought her this far, he will bring her through it and my only job at this point is to support her.

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And run clear across town for Chicken Noodle Soup when she needs it.

Swimming with Zack

You may remember that a few weeks ago I put up a picture of Zack at swimming lessons. That face that he's making... he smiles that big from the moment I lower him into the pool at 6:30 until I take him out of the pool at 7:00. He LOVES to swim.

However, being 2 1/2 he is also fearless about the water. Let me set the stage for you. Swimming lesson #1 occurred right after his toddler class so he was pretty worn out. I thought all would be well. He listened to the teacher, he seemed to sit fairly still.

Swimming lesson #2 - June 22nd he started to bounce. Up and down up and down on the table they put in the water (so the kids can stand up). I'm sitting by the wall and I see him bounce... bounce.... gone. I jumped up really quick and rushed over to him as he was standing back up all smiles.

Let me ease your fears by saying that they all wear life jackets so I knew that even if he fell off of the table he would float... it would just be a matter of fishing him out. (This will be important to the story later.)

He, of course was unphased by the falling incident and didn't understand in the slightest why Mommy looked like she was going to have a heart attack.

Moving on... Swimming lesson #3 - June 24th. They are swimming out into the water to retrieve rubber ducks. The teacher would give them one, they would throw it and then she would help them to swim out and get it.

Zack has his turn. She turns to help another child and he is just standing there innocently on the edge of the table. Next thing I know he throws his duck and jumps.

He sinks like a rock.

Luckily the teacher is right there and as she turns around he is coming back to the surface and she grabs him and puts him back on the table.

Are you seeing a pattern here? It is at this point that I turn to one of the other parents and say, before all of this is over, I think I might be getting wet.

The second week of swimming lessons he did much better. He was listening and mostly following directions and above all... keeping his head above the water when the teacher was not around. Then the 4th of July happened and he had a week off from swimming lessons.

Cue last night.

I'm sitting by the wall and Zack is standing on the table. They had been practicing their swimming and he thought he would get in a little extra practice. He was doggie paddling along and the teacher was way out in the pool with another little girl.

He's swimming, he's smiling, he's swimming... he's gone.

AWW CRAP!!

I jump up along with two other Dad's (who complimented me on my quick reaction time...) and as I get to the edge of the pool I see him bobbing there. He's not really panicking, sort of just doggie paddling giving me this look like I'm kind of stuck can you help me out here?

So I lean down and fish him out. This time, just my pants are wet.... next time.... perhaps I should just wear my bathing suit!! :-)

So Close Yet So Far

8:17 pm

As I watched the clock click over to those magic numbers this evening my breath sort of caught in my chest. One week ago today at 8:17 pm my phone rang and my life as I know it changed. One week ago my baby sister, the one who I vowed to hate for ever but really will always love for all eternity almost died.

Even now, saying that out loud sounds unreal. Almost died? Really? Was she that close?

Yes... yes she really was.

Today has been a rough day for her. She wants things to move more quickly. She wants to be up and moving and walking and recovering because she hasn't looked back yet to see just how far she has come.

For me, as I was telling one of my co-workers today, she is a medical miracle. I want to run into her room and tell her, don't you know you are alive!! You lived and that, in and of it's self is something we didn't know if would happen last week.

But I can't. I have to understand that she is grieving too. She has lost a lot and endured a lot and for her, it all just started yesterday. We have had a week, she has had two days.

Yet still, I hope she can feel it. My love for her. Every one's love for her. We all know how far she has come. We measure her progress by the strides she has made, not by the ones she has left.

The past is gone, the future is uncertain but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.

Hold on to your good times Lindsay. You were given the present of today. You will get through this!!

Waiting and Wondering

Today is my first day back at work. It is not going well. For 6 days my butt has been camped outside of her room or in her room. I was there for the doctor visits the nurse visits the updates if I wasn't in the room. I was in the loop. And God forbid there was a problem, I was there for that too.

Now, I'm here. My work is only 5 minutes from the hospital. I could be there if she needed me, but the fact of the matter is she probably doesn't. She was moved to a regular room yesterday. Her husband and one of my parents have been with her round the clock and will continue to be with her.

I'm just the sister. Yet I can't help feeling a bit lost today. I keep wanting to check the blog and then it dawns on me. I write the blog. There will be nothing new up there until I sit her down and teach her how to write on it herself and that will probably not be for another week or so. Preferably when she's on a bit less morphine. Although the state she was in when I saw her this morning might make for some interesting blogging!! :-)

So for now, I just have to trust that she is in good hands. I will go and check on her at lunch time and again tonight but at the end of the day, my baby sister isn't such a baby after all. She's been pretty tough through all of this. Probably stronger than I ever would have been and she's a fighter. I'm sure she will cross any hurdles that come up, even if I'm not there to stand behind her in case she falls.

If you want to keep following along her blog is:

www.butchsfight.com

This is Not My Life

It is 2:30 am and I am standing outside the door of the emergency room staring into a fountain. The running water is oddly soothing and all I can think is maybe if I stare hard enough a portal will open up and I can go back in time. Back just 7 hours, back to when my life was normal.



Last night my sister was in a horrible accident. She was pinned between a semi and a loading dock. The details of how she got there are pretty sketchy. We don't know if she fell, if she didn't see the semi, if he didn't see her.....



What we do know is she was injured. Badly. My sister... my baby sister.... who to me still seems so young, who was, in my mind, never old enough to have a baby. Who just Eight Months ago gave birth to my nephew and almost died in the process.

My baby sister is hurt. And there is nothing I can do to make it better. I have started a blog for those who are interested in following her recovery.

www.butchsfight.blogspot.com

If you pray... please do so now.

If you don't... please start.