Friday, October 23, 2009

Stuck

I'm guessing that any of you that are still lurking out there have noticed a decidedly large lack of posting going on in this space. I've been back from vacation for almost a month and yet every time I sit down to write something, nothing comes out.

It was brought to my attention that certain members of my ex-in-laws are reading here and the way in which it was thrown in my face has made me a bit gun shy about being here. I know that by leaving this blog where it is and how it is, they are free to read whatever they want. But really, the last thing I want is people reporting back to my ex about everything that is going on in my life.

So, every time I sit down to tell you how I have never been this happy in my life or how I have no idea how I found M or how I never thought I would be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel this way about my life I stop. I stop and I think... how much of that do I want being reported back to my ex. And then inevitably I click the little X up there in the corner and this space stays blank.

And it's not so much that there is anything bad in what I'm posting. But it's MY life, it's MY happiness and the way it gets twisted and thrown at me makes me feel less than stellar.

For those of you that know me... this is a big deal. This blog is a part of me and last night I seriously considered shutting it down. I've been writing here for over four years and last night I considered walking away. After all, if I'm not going to put anything up here, why shouldn't I?

But... that's not the answer for me. I've also considered moving it but that would require all of you e-mailing me and getting the new address and I know if I did that some of you would fall by the wayside and that's not really what I want to happen either.

So, I think I just need to redesign this blog. Give it a new look and a new feel to make me more comfortable coming back here and sharing with you again because I really do miss all of you and writing in this place.

Any suggestions??

13 comments:

Jessica said...

All those in favor of Heather coming back and blogging about whatever makes her happy or sad, scared or upset, anxious or excited, or whatever she may want to say that day....SAY "I"!

Seriously Heather.....

I know J's family still reads. If they are only reading for Spike then they don't have to read that post about you. If they don't like what you are saying they need to not read. BUT I would hope that if they care enough to read regardless of whether it is for Spikes mom or for Spike they would do so respecting your life, the times, and your privacy.

If they are going to go back and tell J everything you share here they would probably find another way to do it. Rumors, word of mouth, exaggerating or whatever means necessary.

At the end of the day you need to decide to either have the blog and do so whole-heartedly or stop the blog and not look back. Weigh the pros and cons. That is only something you can decide. When you put it out there, you do so with no control of what people do with it.

I would think that for now, in this day, in this moment any of J's family who truly care for you and/or Spike would be happy for you. When you are happy and fullfilled so is Spike and that is when you as his mommy are at your best.

As long as you continue to keep your lines of communication open with J himself making sure he doesn't hear something that affects his son from anyone other than you; I think the rest is yours to keep and cherish or share with us. :)

LivingLifeBackwards said...

Hmph what a sucky situation. I would almost put a block on it. You never know what could be turned and used on you. Not that any of the ex-laws are willing to do that but you never know what the future may hold. This is your space, you get to claim it. Even if it were a great divorce I wouldn't have my ex-laws reading. This is YOUR life now. Claim it. Tell them no offense but it's your personal story and no need for them to be perusing it. They don't need to hear about what you and Z are doing. They have their own memories they can make with him.

LivingLifeBackwards said...

FYI: if you do put a block I def. need the password ;0)

Connie said...

Perhaps their jealousy of your happiness reflects in the smallness/stupidity of their acts! You need to be you....look how long you've waited to be Heather. Enjoy it!

Aunt Becky said...

You need to do whatever you feel comfortable with, love. This is supposed to be YOUR space and if you're not comfortable here any longer, well, maybe it's time to move.

Jennifer B. said...

I'm with the move...I don't think you'll lose too many people reading and it will grow again.

Anonymous said...

well I don't know who you are talking about but I come on here to read about MY nephew! You know that I am happy for you and whatever proceeds you in the future! And yes I am an EX-LAW (as I guess we are called, which in some way is degrading and alittle hurtful) but you have been in my life for almost half my life now and I still consider you my "family" and respect you because you are like a sister to me and you are my nephews Mother! Just thought I would share that...if you need to change the website would you please keep me informed via e-mail of anything about Zack..?? Being this far away and not being able to watch him grow and change would kill me!
Love, Molly

Jill A said...

The only reason anyone would report back to your ex what's happening in your life is if he wants to know. It means he's asking.

That doesn't stop if you move the blog. It means the information travels like the game of telephone, and everything gets heard wrong, mangled and abused by the time it reaches the end ears.

Let him read. Let his family read. Eventually, it won't be as interesting as it is now. Eventually it will be less about you and more about your son. With time, those strong feelings are lessened.

I know it's hard to put up that wall of self-preservation. You're exposed and criticized. The feelings are still raw. But you are not alone. The blog has been a sort of therapy this entire time, and letting it go depends more on whether you still need it than whose prying eyes are perusing it.

Jennifer B. said...

My vote is still to move it!

Don't you have a blog just devoted to Zack? Family members can read and see pictures of him there.

Maybe word will get back to your ex like a game of telephone tag but I don't see any reason to have it out there for people who may not have your best interest at heart to read, judge and use against you at will.

The people who read your blog who you trust can still come to the new location and you can once again freely talk about your (now happy and liberated) life vs. keeping everything inside (which you did for so many years).

kbreints said...

Yeah-- I would say move it, or completly do a renovation. You have done one on yourself.... over the last several years-- it is time for your blog to have a fresh new look!

Let me know if you would like me to take one of your favorite photos and remix it into a new banner!! :)

Yo-yo Mama said...

Since you do still have in-laws that seem to care about the good things in your life (as per above), I would suggest you keep this spot for them.

However, it sounds like YOU need the change. I would recommend wordpress only b/c you can post the link from here if you want to the new site and if you did write something you don't want your ex-IL to know about, you can pwp one post at a time. Some people may not follow you over, but your friends will. And isn't that better than not being able to express yourself?

Anonymous said...

FYI: This is the first time I've ever read these blogs and as a close friend to your ex-inlaws (including J) I really don't think they give a DAMN about your personal life! In fact as far as they're concerned, they feel like you NEED to move on and live your life! When people get divorced, they are better off NOT knowing what is going on in the ex's life. If J still cared, he probably would have tried harder to make the relationship work in the first place! Just knowing J the way I do, I think he is also much more content in his life and is glad to be free of your control. For the first time in a very long time, he is content and likes the man that he has become and is reaching his full potential step by step. No hard feelings coming from him, as this has just been a BIG learning experience in his life and has helped to make him what he is today..... that doesn't have to meet your approval anymore! Have a great life!!

LivingLifeBackwards said...

Proud of what he's become? Wow, really?