Tuesday, March 18, 2008

One Year Ago

**I'm going to write this in a series of four days so from now through Friday there should be something new for you to read every day. However, I can't guarantee that if you are close to this story you won't need Kleenex.**

One year ago today I woke up early.

I had to work on Sunday and Jake was supposed to watch Zack. Never before has he ever taken him anywhere or done anything with him to make me think that Zack would EVER be in any danger.

For Jake drugs have always been a night time thing and so I have never really worried about him during the day. Sunday he decided to break that streak.

Sunday morning before I left Jake and I had the standard conversation. Do not even THINK about taking your son anywhere where he could be in danger. Stay home, call me if you need anything, I'll be back by noon.

To which all of it was answered, "You know I would NEVER do anything to put Zack in danger. I love my son."Sometime around 8:00 on Sunday morning Jake stopped answering his phone and my heart SANK!! Panic ensued but I tried to stay calm. Finally about 8:45 he answered again and he was at home because I could hear the dogs in the background. He told me he had just run up to Wal-mart and he was back.

I asked how Zack was doing and he told me that he had changed him into a cute outfit (which he NEVER does) and that he was doing just fine.By 11:00 I just had a feeling I needed to go home and so off I went.

I knew something was wrong immediately. I opened the door and heard a rumbling upstairs. Then Jake came running down the stairs and immediately went to the couch and grabbed something up and put it in his pocket. I could tell right away that he had done some drug. I could see it in his eyes and the way he talked to me.I immediately told him he needed to leave and he did.

For the rest of my life I will NEVER forget the way he looked that day or the way I felt that day. I will never forget the feeling when I opened that door and for a split second there was no noise and I thought for sure my baby was dead.

After Zack was born I never really bonded with him the way I should have. I was so caught up in all of the things that addiction does to you that I couldn't really see who he was or what a gift he was. In that split second that it was quiet before Jake came running down the stairs I knew that I had fallen head over heals in love with my child and I would never forgive myself if something happened to him.

I was lucky. Jake left when I asked him to and he didn't come back two hours later when I begged him to. (I told you the family members of addicts are very sick people) After Jake left Zack began to scream. He did that for two hours during which time I called Jake to ask him to come back and help me. He did not. I will forever be grateful that he stayed away.

As I later learned from DHS when and addict does drugs they seep out of their skin. When they hold babies the drugs go into the babies system and the essentially give the baby a "contact high." When babies get contact highs they scream. A LOT. Without knowing it I had let someone expose my precious child to something harmful.

The last step for me was when I called his dad after he didn't come home. While on the phone his dad mentioned that Jake had wanted him to buy something from him. I don't remember what right now but what I do remember is where. Jake was on the East Side that Sunday morning. On the East Side With. My. Baby....

It was at that point that the final light bulb went off and I called the police and then his family to talk about signing commitment papers. One year ago I was scared and alone and starting on a journey that would forever change all of our lives.


Kbreints said...

Yep, puddles of tears. I hope that you never ever ever have to re-visit that day in person.

I am so thankful that you saw through the clouds to send him away-- and that he has subsequently seen through those same clouds back to you as he is today. I pray that he continues on this same path.

Jenn said...

Ohh... Tears.
I wasn't reading then (I found you shortly after) and I can't even imagine the terror you must have felt. Not to mention the heartbreak... You are a very strong woman. :)

Becky said...

My heart breaks for you all over again.