Tuesday, February 17, 2009

7th Circle of Hell

I am sorry for the quietness around here lately. Is anyone still out there? Hello??

I feel like I've sort of crossed over into my own little piece of hell where I'm reliving my life from 2 years ago and really, it's not going so well.

I e-mailed the lawyer this morning. I am seeking answers right now and have not made any permanent decisions but I am closer to leaving than I am to staying.

Right now, I'm having a REALLY hard time accepting that we went through all of the last two years for nothing. That after all of this we are spiraling right back to where we were. As far as I know he has not made the leap from pot to meth but I fear that if he doesn't take some drastic steps he will be there soon. I feel like I failed. Like I tried and I failed and now I have to explain to my son that you just can't fix some problems.

I'm sad for Jake.. and I'm sad for our family. Mostly, I'm extreemly sad for my son. I know that some people think I'm strong but I don't feel strong. I feel scared and horribly, horribly sad....

This "[...] is the brave thing to do. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure. But you're not. You're marching into the unknown, armed with... nothing."

- You've Got Mail


kbreints said...

I will say it again...

Of course you do. Just because you are scared and sad, does not make you weak. I think that is where you are missing the point.

I think that it would be VERY sad if you were not either of those things. This was not the end result you were wishing for. This is not the happily ever after that you dreamt of. But you have to believe that there is better out there for you and your son.... and that you deserve it.


The last two years were NOT for nothing. They were for you. They were to prove that you have now done everything in your power to help the man that you loved. That is not for nothing. That is everything that is noble and right in the world. If you had given up on him then, you would always have wondered.

You don't have to wonder any more. You should be able to know that you tried your damndest to make it work.

Don't feel ashamed. You can hold you head up and know that you did what you fealt was right.

NOW, you need to move on. He needs to take himself and his drugs out of your life. You and your son don't need to be brought down by him any longer.

Jessica said...

I have tried as a friend to push you all along thru question and circumstance to tell me: who you are, what you like, why do I want to be your friend, why do you want to be mine, what can I do to surprise you, what would you chose to do when I say 'I don't care you pick', etc. etc. etc.
I feel like I know you better than most and still couldn't answer who Heather is. I could tell someone who I think you are and may or may not be correct.

I am begging you to please:

NOW IS THE TIME....Grab this challenge, this decision and this choice you should feel empowered to make as a successful woman and wonderful mother; do the right thing. Embrace it find out who you are, hold your son and keep him safe, show him the strong woman you are and become everything YOU WANT TO BE!!!!

It saddens me that somewhere, someway, somehow you have been defined by Jake and addiction even at the cost of clouding who you are.

I know it is scary, I know you are uncertain, I know you are afraid, but seriously...would one person raise their hand if they would blame you for leaving? If they would think you were a coward or making the wrong decision? Do I see any hands?

You can do this and I will be here holding your hand everyday all the way!

darkship said...

Please don't feel that you failed... You've been the one trying the hardest all along! You never gave up and it may not be easy to try to tell Zach what's happening kids understand more than you realize. Still praying for you! (and the family)

KimN said...

I know I don't know you IRL but I have to agree with kbrients. Please know that YOU didn't fail. You did everything you could do on your end. I think the hardest thing I had to learn in my experience of having a loved one with an addiction is when to realize that it was never under my control. Yeah, I know, I said that alot to myself...but it took a long time to really LIVE it. I've never felt anything so freeing as when I let it go.

I'm pulling for you in every way.

Aunt Becky said...


I'm in a bad spot so I can't give you anything good. Just know I am sorry.

KK's Mom said...

I'm sorry Heather. : ( Drugs suck. Seems that you have some great friends supporting you, and you'll get through. I'll be thinking of you and praying for good things to come.

Laura said...

You ARE strong Heather, even if you don't feel like it. I know that feeling (from a different set of circumstances, of course) and thinking to myself I didn't understand why everyone kept telling me I was so strong. I just kept getting up every day and doing the best I could, but it didn't seem very strong. But that's what strength is sometimes, and you're doing it.

You didn't fail. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better or to agree with others, it's just the truth that is apparent to everyone else. You didn't fail, you gave it your best shot... and realizing when you've exhausted all your options and making the hard choice to leave is perhaps the next step in success. You are not responsible for Jake's behaviour. You have done your best to help him and support him but you can't be sober FOR him. It's not your fault.

Jen said...

If there is anything I have learned in the last year, it is that being told how "stong" I am makes me insanely uncomfortable, like a fraud, almost. Like, what else am I supposed to do? Not live and go to work and raise my little girl?

What you are doing is natural and normal and awful and wonderful. You have stuck with it, and if you no longer can, you will always be able to look back and know that you gave it everything. YOU are the only person you have to answer to, but we are our own worst critics. Whatever you do, I know that it will be right for you.

stella said...

This makes me very sad too. You tried your best, no one can ever take that away from you. Do what you need to do, for you and your son, to keep moving forward. Don't ever regret the decisions of the past. You can't change them. One day at a time.

Erin said...

I have to agree with the first two comments. You've done everything that YOU can do to be supportive and help Jake, and make it work. Now you need to be able to make a life that satisfies you and Zackary for yourselves. Jake is making his own choices. I hate to see you and Zack suffer because of them, but I think that you'd suffer more in the long-term than you will if you leave now. And so would Zack. It won't make the short-term decision to leave any less painful, but it will help avoid the long-term pain before making the decision.


Krista said...

I am so sorry. I wish this had turned out differently. I am sad that Jake isn't strong enough right now to really deal with these issues. But I KNOW that you are strong enough, even if you don't feel it.

Wish I could help. Let me know if I can from so far away.

Amy said...

-Failure, what is this self pitty? knowing you have to leave shows how strong you REALLY are.I can finally say I am proud of you Heather for being a Good Mother, and know this is your first step to SUCCESS...the day you finally realize you will have to be a Mother first-raise your child and protect him, even if the other parent is to selfish to do so. LEARN from this and teach your child it's not that "we can't fix problems in life," we know this because God said "I knew you in the womb," - we can't control people = Free will, ain't it a Bitch?... We'll Mrs. Heather you have free will too. I can only hope that you have come to the realization that You CANT Control People - have faith in God and do the right thing by your son.

Does it Really matter if he's used Meth? his loss of weight, skin breakouts, & angry mood swings is enough to tell you He IS Using Meth...Or is it FINALLY ENOUGH HE IS USING - PERIOD. I don't know why you stayed the first time your child was infected with this poison, Meth. BUT Here is YOUR second chance...Do the right thing

Erin said...

I'm so sorry, Heather. Yes, it is scary but your son deserves you to do the right thing for him. I don't know the whole story but I do know that you are a really smart, brave and strong person. Call me or e-mail if there is anything I can do. I'm sure the kids would love to have Zack over to play!