Friday, April 17, 2009

Friday Confessionals

I don't want a divorce....

.

.

.

.

I'm raging a lot right now against this. I don't want it but not for the reasons you are probably thinking. I'm not in love with my husband right now. I'm not missing him at night or craving his love and affection during the day.

I don't want a divorce because it means I failed. I failed at something I tried SOOO hard to fix and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make him better and I couldn't make us better and I couldn't make all the hurt and the pain go away.

I don't want to be the statistic. The 50% of marriages that end in divorce. I wanted to be the 50% that didn't. The ones who grew old together and told our grandchildren about how it was hard at first but we worked through our problems and made our marriage work.

That will never happen and I'm crying now just writing this. I don't want to be married to him but I don't want to feel like a failure either.

9 comments:

kbreints said...

UGH. Of course nothing anyone SAYS to you will help... but NO ONE, I mean NO ONE is thinking of you as a failure... and neither should you. You of ALL people should know that you tried harder, for longer than ANYONE else could have or would have.

So, you should think of yourself as a success story. Start to build yourself up as the woman that can go through EVERYTHING that you have gone through and succeeded in living a better life.

There is not reason why you cannot still find that person to grow old together. That person just was not Jake.

Anonymous said...

You're not a failure. Don't let anyone tell you that you are, including yourself.

darkship said...

I know how it feels to think that you failed at your marriage. It's tough when you have parents that have been together forever and you can't seem to make it work.... try this....Think about all the effort you used to spend on Jake and take that and put even half of it towards making Zach the best man he can be and you'll see amazing results. It's ok to cry but you never failed nor will you fail!

Lindsey said...

You didn't fail your marriage, you're the hero. HE FAILED

Jennifer B said...

I am so sorry you are having this pain.

I also "failed" at my marriage. Failed at fixing it and fixing him. And I wasn't "special enough" that he would choose to manage his addiction so we could be together.

What I SUCCEEDED with was having a successful DIVORCE that has left my kids feeling loved and cherished by everyone involved. There no bad mouthing of the other parent, I did not do anything hateful to S. during the process, and my kids have the model of how to treat others, even when things don't work.

You can have a successful divorce, too. You will be (and are) a successful parent.

If we don't experience the agony of defeat how can we savor the sweetness of succeeding?

And as Lindsey pointed out - Jake is the one who failed. There is nothing differently you could have done - you already did it ALL. You did and tried everything.

Lynanne said...

The statistic that is concerning is the number of marriages in the other 50% (that don't end in divorce) that should not continue, but do, at great expense to everyone involved. I wonder how many of those have the fairy tale, happily-ever-after, growing-old-together ending. Thinking back to the experience that landed Jake in jail, might there be other more likely paths your marriage could take if it were to continue on? This would be the failure, not divorce.

Keep reminding yourself that you cannot fail at fixing something that cannot be fixed to begin with. You cannot make someone better and cure a disease/condition that the best doctors in the world are only beginning to understand. And you cannot make a relationship better all by yourself.

Try not to think of divorce as a finality. Jake will likely have some role in your life from here on out. You might still grow old with him (depending on the path HE chooses) and live happily every after. This does not depend on you being married.

Take care and trust in yourself, Heather.

Creative Genius? said...

YOU did not fail!!!!!!!

Aunt Becky said...

I understand completely. But dude, you did NOT fail. You can't control someone else's behavior.

DD said...

It's easy to blame yourself since he will never blame HIMself, but you have to do what will ultimately be right for you and your son in the long run. Wouldn't you end up blaming yourself if you DID stay together out of guilt?