{Tune of farmer and the dell}
This is my 326th post...
This is my 326th post...
Hi ho the dairy oh...
This is my 326th post...
Ok... now that I've taken the focus off of my last two posts I have something to say. No really me have something to talk about?? I know... you're shocked.
It seems to me that the way that I say things in my posts is misinterpreted by the same people that I thought would be able to know how I speak but apparently they don't. I was going to take the post down but I have spoken to everyone and seem to have cleared everything up so I'm leaving it up. However, to all the people who I have talked to on the phone or in e-mails I hope what you misunderstood has been ironed out and that you understand that I love all of my friends for different reasons.
As for the question from the anonymous poster who didn't want to have any knives thrown their way. I don' t know who you are but I wish that I did. E-mail me and let me know. But I will answer your question.
How do I view Jake's addiction? Is it a conscious decision on his part? A biological illness? Or a little of both?
I believe that it is a biological illness. I have friends who will say that I am making excuses for him, but I'm not. I think that my husband is sick. I think that he wanted to get better, as most addicts do, but he could not get himself there. I think there are parts of the things he did that were decisions he made but for the most part I believe that the addiction called the shots.
That is why I have been so forgiving of him and so willing to help him as long as he is willing to help himself. Because I don't think he hurt us intentionally. I think we were casualties of war so to speak. The war against his addiction. So, I really hope that he is getting the tools that he needs to be able to fight that war on the home front and this time win. Anyone else have any questions? I like questions.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
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7 comments:
According to the Mayo Clinic it is personality as much as genetics. So my question is, if he wanted to get help, why didn't he ask for it? He has had 10 years to do so. I have to agree with your friend that says you are making excuses. You want it to be biological because it makes him look better and then there is a better chance you can "fix it". I have to ask myself, if he abused you or Zack physically would you be defending him like you are. Because in all honesty he has neglected you both.
Why don't you all back off! I am yet another outsider to this situation... but what would you all do if this was YOUR significant other. From my understanding Heather knew about this for a very long time. And yes, it is a statistic that those with parents/relatives/friends of drug/alcohol addiction are more likely to become addicts themselves, and no I couldn't tell you the exact number but it's true. And it's also true that once you love someone, you're willing to give them benefit of the doubt and continue to be with them and try to get them to change. Do you think that people with spouses as addicts or with spouses with major gambling addictions or those who are highly abusive... (and I am excluding those who fear their lives to get out of the relationship...) do you think they stay because they're dumb? Do you think they like the fact that they are going bankrupt because of gambling or that their spouse is in treatment because of a drug addiction? No. They stay because of love. And while love doesn't conquer all... who's to say that Heather shouldn't have interviened before she did. Who's to say she shouldn't have waited longer. No one can say exactly what would've happened in any of those situations. However, what matters the most is she IS doing something now. I'm sure it has to be scary going from 2 incomes to just one. To be a single mother, even though you're married. Have you been there? I doubt it. I haven't been either, but it takes guts to do what she's doing. I don't think I would've been able to have my spouse committed. What matters in this situation the most is whether his addiction is biological, whether his friends said hey try this and he liked it enough to stick with it... he's an addict either way. And unless you've been there, you don't know the strength an addiction can truly have over a person. When Jake gets through this I pray that he will not go back down that road, for himself, for Heather, and for Zack. However, if he were to take that road, I hope that through all of this that Heather would then have the strength to say good bye. She obviously remembers her wedding vows. Through better, for worse. Through health, and in sickness... And after everything she's doing to help him get through this, if he can stay clean and be the person he needs to be, the husband, friend, father... then the last 10 years would've been worth it. Keep your head high, Heather. Don't let these people get you down. You're a very strong person. You're doing the right thing. If people can't accept that of you, then they don't deserve you. If Jake has wronged people, he does need to make that right, and if the treatment works, he will know that he needs to do that. And it will take him time, it's hard to break an addiction, and when he's Jake again, it will be hard to him to admit his faults, possibly even embarassing for him so give him time... just make sure he knows he doesn't get another chance.
Biological causes or decision making process, who knows for sure what causes addiction. But you also have to look at his maturity development. If he has been doing drugs since high school, has he matured emotionally beyond 16 years old? Hopefully he is learning through counseling how to handle hurt, anger, fear, etc. without having to escape into a drug fog. And he also needs to learn that its time to grow up, life isn't one big party. Right now it is good for him because he is in a controled environment. But Heather's right, hopefully he will get the tools and strong base he needs to stay clean. And hopefully he knows how many people he has hurt and ammends he will have to make. It won't be easy and we should positively reinforce him when he does. And yes, he will have to EARN the trustworthyness and respect of his wife, his family and his friends. I have tried to stress to him the importance of TIME. It is going to take a LONG time of "letting your actions speak" before a lot of us will trust you again. I think most of us want to but he'll have to prove himself. And it can be done.
Basically what I'm saying is that the toughest time is going to be when he comes home. Do we, as his friends and family have the tools we need to hold him accountable for his actions? To make sure he doesn't fall back into the old thoughts and patterns that lead him to use? I sure hope so.
It looks like there are multiple anonymous posters but I am the original :-)
Heather, I haven't said who I am because some of these things touch too close to home. I will probably e-mail you today.
I have had all night to try and put my feelings to words but yet somehow this morning I still have a ticker tape running through my mind of every conversation/post we had yesterday.
I would be Jess – the not so infamous friend who in Heathers words…. “However, I can't help but feel like when Jake gets home, all of that will change. It feels very much to me like in her and her husband’s eyes I am no longer normal. I feel like they know all of the things that I hid from them and they are not able to forgive Jake for those nor are they willing to hang out with him.”
I feel like I was used as a scapegoat because Heather was in denial and maybe still is and has this longing for “normalcy”. Who am I to judge what is normal and what isn’t – I color code my closet and put pictures on my see through plastic shoe bins.
You should know better than anyone that Shane and I don’t judge you. If you know in your mind and in your heart you are making all the right decisions for you and your son; then why would you care who is in judgment of you?!
I feel like many people are in judgment of me for being to critical of you. To this I say….I think I can confidently say there is not another person who has seen what Shane and I have seen or who has been as close to the situation as we have. Until they have I don’t know how they can say what I should or shouldn’t say or do. EVERYTHING I say or do is because I love Spike and his mother and I value our friendship tremendously. The only thing I am guilty of is pushing you too hard or stating my very opinionated opinion too much. I want Jake being in rehab to be a clean slate for the both of you and I don’t see how it can be used to the fullest potential when you still make excuses for him. I am not talking on a level of drug addiction being a disease; we all know that it is. I will use this example…you can delete it or edit it which I am sure you will if you don’t want it shared….I have pushed you to get Jake tested for STD’s. Every time I have done so your reply is “well he swears he didn’t sleep with those women”. I hope he didn’t but since his honesty track level has not always been on the honor roll I would put the well being of my own health and my child’s health above trusting my husband’s word. If he can’t remember a stash that he stored at child level there is a good possibility he could be misguided on what he did with whom. In addition he could have contracted something through drug use. You don’t know and Jake doesn’t know; why not be for sure? If he comes back negative that is one more step toward recovery and one more pound off your heavy heart. If Jake were seeing clearly he could not be mad at you for wanting to make sure you are not jeopardizing yourself or your son, his wife and his son.
Onto the last sentence you said about forgiving Jake. We are not the ones who need to forgive him, you do, and his family does. For me the real issue lies in the fact that you let his addiction go on week after week and month after month without telling anyone. I welcomed Jake into our home Sunday after Sunday not knowing that he could have been stealing from us or he could have harmed any of us including you at anytime. (For the record I don’t think he would have harmed us, but on drugs you never know. On drugs my biological father harmed me and was unpredictable). If Jake comes out and lives a sober life and/or I feel like you are 100% honest with me so that I know what I am getting into than we will make the decision on whether or not to let him in our home.
When you finally confided in me…thank god…what was the first thing I said to you? Have you told your mom? You need to tell your parents I know if it were me my mom would be heartbroken to know I am going through this alone. Then I asked if you had told Danette or Katie. Danette because she has small children at home and if I were a mother I would want to know….people on drugs are unpredictable. Katie because she had a family member go through a very similar situation and Katie is far better equipped to help you than I. Slowly you told them all. I am so proud of you for doing so. In all of this I have learned many friendship skills. One friend was upset that she didn’t know first while the other friend thanked me for being there for you….WOW – That is big….What a humbling thing for me to have learned. Your friends should see what you need before you do and without mention jump in and do it. That is the lesson I learned from myself and from others.
No one ever really knows how they will react when put into a situation... talk is cheap-- and advise is free & free flowing. I have not one clue what I would do if I were put in Heathers shoes. I was in a similar situation with a family member and I did what at that point I knew I had to do. That is what Heather did. Not one of the people that has commented can truly say "I know Exactly what I would do in your situation" And if they do say that- they are lying through there teeth. GET OFF YOUR SOAP BOXES... BACK OFF. Every one is entitled to their opinions and their feelings, but no one has the right to make Heather feel badly for the decisions that she has made in the past, or the ones that she has chosen to make in the future. NO ONE. They are hers, they belong to her - and as long as she stands strong. Friends should stand strong with her. Period.
Heather needed/needs support. Heather is not a project. There should not be conditions upon her friedship. Heather has not hurt anyone. I am so sad right now.
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