Monday, May 07, 2007

Epiphany

Friday night Zack and I had dinner with some friends. At the restaurant I saw a woman that I used to talk to quite a bit before she moved away. In fact at one point she used to read this website. This woman is married to a man who is was a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.

When I saw him with a drink in front of him at dinner my heart just sank. Then throughout dinner while I was trying to socialize I kept looking over and watching them and all of the memories just came flooding back. This man looked awful (at least to me). He was sweating profusely and I just kept thinking about the times when Jake and I had gone to dinner and he had looked like that.

I remembered being SO embarrassed as he was sweating but still felt like he HAD to order another drink and I kept looking at this man's face and seeing everything that I used to see in Jake's. It haunted me all night long. I don't know if what her husband is doing bothers her and if she still reads here I don't in ANY way want to make her feel bad. All I know is what I told my friend. My heart hurts for her, even if she doesn't know hers is hurting.

And then it dawned on me. I can NEVER go back there. I have been so bothered by this all weekend and even today it gives me chills. That is a part of my life that I have tried to forget but I can't and so I have to deal with it and move on. And part of my dealing with it is to promise myself that I will never re-live those moments.

I don't ever want to sit across the table from a man who I know is messed up and try to be okay with it. I don't ever want to be the bad guy because we don't have the money to buy a six pack of beer or to give him $20 for "food." I can never go back to where the addiction ran our lives instead of us running our lives.

I have now had forty seven days in which I have not had to wonder where he is or walk on eggshells to try to budget money to get him what he needs and still be able to pay our bills so that we don't have a huge fight. I've come too far to ever go back to that place again.

You know it's funny, you don't really realize how deep and dark the hole you are in is until you have begun to climb out of it and you look back. At this point I'm still climbing. I have a firm grip on the rope that is pulling me out and I will loose my fingers from gripping to hard before I will let go and fall back down.

5 comments:

Tink said...

Good for you! Sometimes it takes hitting the bottom to see that you don't like the decor very much. ;)

Krista said...

Good to hear. Sometimes when things go well, it is harder to focus on where you've come from and easy to gloss over the signs that you are headed back down. I am glad to hear that you are going to make sure that doesn't happen.

stella said...

That's why the program Jake is currently in is so important. The longer he works at learning what it will take for him to remain drug free, the better his chances. You will also learn it will be a daily struggle to stay on that path. Some days better than others. But, working together, you will get stronger and it will get better. I am so proud of both of you!! Hang on, your doing great!

Isabel said...

What a strong and beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

I hope that you share this posting with Jake...