Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Goings On

"Where have you been?"

"Dealing with things far beyond my maturity level"

-Juno

That is the only excuse that I have to offer you right now for where I have been. I'm not sure how exactly to put this eloquently so I'm just kind of going to throw it out there...

Relapse.

It is a word that I have heard over and over in the rooms of Al-anon. People's husbands, children, wives, 2 months sober and a relapse, a year sober and a relapse, 10 years sober and a relapse. It can happen to anyone. But I never thought that anyone would be me.

Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? Why did I think that I had all the answers to how to deal with the situation? Apparently, God had other plans for me. In Al-anon we work the 12 steps the same as the AA people do. And the first step is Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I thought I had this step down pat. I knew I was powerless. I understood that I couldn't control it, only really... I didn't. On January 1st I was reminded that this is a new year... and NOT a year I am in charge of. Instead I quickly learned that no amount of watching, questioning, or controlling is going to stop Jake from doing what Jake is doing. Like it or lump it....

I don't feel a lot of detail is going to really help any of us but for the record it was pot. Started after a family member had some legal troubles. (That I can't write about here) At the time I remember saying to him please talk to someone about how upset you are. These things can lead to relapse. I said them, but I never believed them...

I had started to suspect something for awhile and on New Year's day I found the evidence and I asked him to leave our house until he could decide what he wanted for his life. I've been in Al-anon long enough to know relapse happens. I don't like it, I don't have to like it. I just have to accept it and decide what I'm willing to deal with for myself.

After about a week of him being gone I had decided that if he was willing to get back into his program and pass a drug test I was willing to work on our marriage and our family. We have now started the process of reintegrating him back into our house. Things are getting better. I hated the person that he was for the last two months and I am starting to love, all over again, the person that he is when he is not using.

I could sit here and give you a thousand reasons why I have made the choices I have in the last four weeks but my choices will never be any of your choices and I'm learning very quickly that I have to make the choice that I feel is best for myself and my son at the present moment. Tomorrow, that choice might be different. And that is ok. I only have to take one day at a time.

I have started another blog, an anonymous blog, where I write much more openly about what is going on. I am open to letting some of you read it, as long as you are not related to me. I am VERY open on that blog and I don't want anyone who knows us/is related to us to be offended by things I say about myself or about Jake. That is why I have kept the blog 100% anonymous and will continue to do so.

As for us, we are taking things slowly. Tax season is going as well as can be expected. I have a fantastic support system who has stepped in to watch Zack for me on Saturday's until I feel that Jake will be able to do so. We are refinancing the house, in my name only, so in the event that something like this continues to be a problem I will be able to make sure that my son and I are taken care of.

He is, and continues to be my first priority. I put him second for the first 10 weeks of his life and I will never do that again...

23 comments:

kbreints said...

I really like the "my choices will never be any of your choices"... good for you.

Lynanne said...

Oh Heather, I'm so sorry. Such a shallow word to offer but I don't know what to say. If you are willing to let me read your anon blog, please email me (lynanne at gmail.com). I don't have much wisdom to offer but I can offer a friendly ear (eye) and a shoulder to lean on, for whatever it's worth.

All the best to you!

KimN said...

You have definitely been in my thoughts. Hoping for the very best for you and your son.

Lindsey said...

You are absolutley right, I too like the "my choices will never ben any of your choices" nobody can judge you for your choices because they've never been in your shoes. Your situation is different than mine. When I kicked my ex out I felt relief and NEVER felt regret.... I didn't love him and he didn't love me.
You and Jake love eachother that's a huge difference!

Jenn said...

Oh Heather... You can only do what you can do. I'll be thinking of you.

AmyWaWa said...

I've been thinking about you and hoping a relapse wasn't a part of the change you mentioned before but I guess we don't always get what we hope for, do we? I'd love the opportunity to read your other blog, if that's ok. You can email me at amymwarren (at) q dot com. I guess all you can do is keep making the choices that are right for you and Zack now and don't look back later with regret. You can look back and wish you had done this or that different but you need to trust that what you did was what you thought was right at that time.

Erin said...

Heather, I'll be thinking of you. I wondered if this was it, though I was hoping it wasn't. I'd like to read your other blog if you're OK with that. I hope that Jake is getting the help he needs and that you and Zack are as OK as can be right now.

electriclady said...

I'm so sorry, Heather. I was hoping this wasn't it. I'd like to read your other blog if you're willing to share. And I hope you're taking good care of YOURSELF as well as Zack right now.

Creative Genius? said...

Hugs sweetie - I might not comment often but I read every post, and worry as well! I wish you only the best and pray happy thoughts for you guys... and for Zack too!

Jen said...

I'm sorry, and I'm glad to see you have an action plan instead of enabling. Good luck and best wishes that this goes well.

I've been following you for a while now, kind of lurky, but if you would like to share, this total stranger in GA would like to read the secret blog.

Anonymous said...

Heather I am so sorry to hear about the relapse. I found your blog about a year ago when I found my husband in pretty close to the same situation. Thankfully, we haven't hit relapse, and hopefully we never do, but your blog has helped me through many a difficult time. It would help me to get more insight to the situation if you're willing. iambeckyjames at hotmail . com
I would appreciate it greatly. I had to shut down my blog about a year ago because of my in laws so I sympathize and just might copy your idea of the annonymous blog!

Becky

DD said...

Oh, Heather. I'm sorry...

Lauren said...

Heather, I don't know what to say other than sorry. I know that you are doing what you think is best and I am impressed with that. You will be in my prayers and I hope that things continue to get better.

armywifeandmom said...

Coming out of "lurking" so say that you are such a strong person and the best mom - to put your son's well-being above all else. Thanks for sharing the good parts of your life as well as the bad - it's refreshing to read "honest" blogs. I'd like to keep reading.

AmyV said...

I always find it mind blowing that a nondrug user always needs an excuse to use/relaspe drugs...some people like it & see nothing wrong with it & will use all their lives.
Any possibility he has been using longer than you think & he just got to comfortable in that & slipped, enabling you the oppurtunity to find this out? -It seems like it has been many months since his self induced drug overdosed Grand maul siezsure

Heather said...

AmyV-

He did not have a drug overdosed Grand Maul Siezsure.... please actually READ the posts before you comment on them.

He was drug tested at the hospital after his siezure and was clean for ALL drugs. I drug tested him about 4 or 5 months ago and he was clean so no, he was not using longer than I thought.

I know when it started....

I enjoy comments from every point of view but please make sure you have your facts straight before you make them.

MoMMY said...

Heather, so sorry you have to go through this. I think you are handling it so well. Time to focus on you and Zack. I'd love to read at your new place if you'll have me.

Heather said...

MoMMY can you e-mail me or leave your e-mail here. When you leave a comment here it just tells me the link to your profile which... well does me little good since it's private.

Thank you!!

Lynanne said...

grand maul? I have grand maul siezsures when I get near chocolate. Never had a grand mal one, though.

Sorry...that wasn't nice but I couldn't resist...

Jenn said...

HAHA Lyanna... That was great. I do the same thing with chocolate. LOL

KK's Mom said...

Ugh. Sorry this has happened. For being in an impossibly sucky situation, you sound amazingly healthy. I'm sure you are hurting in all kinds of ways, but your levelheadedness is commendable. Love the last paragraph of your post - good for you.

Anonymous said...

Heather,

I havent been out here lately since I have been on maternity leave. I am so sorry to hear about what happened. You are such a strong person. I dont know how you do it!! If you dont mind, I would like to continue to read. (I only have 3 to read, you, Erin and Katie) :)

jennyhuntmk@hotmail.com

Keep your head up and good luck during tax season (yuck!)!!!

Brandy said...

Hi Heather. I'm so sorry that this happened. I'm behind on my blog reading. Livi keeps me up at night and I just haven't had the time. I'm not related and would certainly be glad to follow you and offer support on any blog you have if you'd like to include me.

Thinking of you!