Saturday, May 23, 2009

Self Image

I suppose this could be my Friday Confessionals post but it's Saturday so we're just going to go with that title up there. Let's see... self image.

On Monday Jess and I will start a weight loss/healthier life challenge. In October we are going to Tybee Island and I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my body by then. I bought the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred tapes and some hand weights and there are also some crunches I'm supposed to do. That's 4.5 per day right Jess? As if four and a half??

Anyway, all of this has got me thinking a lot about my own self image and in turn how I judge others. All of my life I have always been attracted to the muscular, if somewhat stalky, man. In high school there were a couple of guys who may have been interested in me but they were bigger guys so I never gave them the time of day.

As I read back through my journals they are filled with guys I dated, guys I was friends with, etc. Yet everything seems so superficial to me. The guys that were actually REALLY nice to me I was not interested in because I wasn't "attracted" to. The guys I was attracted to were never really nice to me.

So, now that I'm in the process of a divorce I'm trying to dig deep and look at the things that are really important to me. At some point I would like to start dating again and I would like to think that I am a more mature, better person now. Yet, part of me still questions this. Could I date a guy who was not that physically attractive but who treated me like the Queen of England?

I think a lot of this stems back to the fact that I'm not comfortable with who I am and so therefore I'm trying to pick someone good looking to make me feel better about myself. When really, I need to be comfortable in my own skin and date someone who is comfortable in theirs.

So, here's my question to you... could you/would you/have you dated a person who you did not find physically attractive but with whom you had a lot in common with or really liked their personality? Why or why not. There are no wrong answers here and feel free to comment anonymously if you're worried about being judged.


Anonymous said...

I have never dated looks-wise the prince charmings you find in the movies. But I also have never dated someone I find revolting, either. A lor of attraction, even physical, stems from other attraction as well, I find anyway. If he's not a 1 and not a 10 maybe a 5-6... But you get to know him and he is an amazing person, after a few dates you will probably rank him a 7-8!

Jessica said...

The thing that has been hard for me (I wonder if for you too) is I still see myself as I was in highschool until I see pictures of myself, catch a glimpse in the dreaded mirror or heaven forbid have to try on clothes that are no longer the 14 in little girls I wore when Shane and I met but rather the 14 in womans I wear now. YUCK!

I dated that "hottest guy you have ever seen" guy.

So I can't say as though for sure when I met my husband if I really thought he was that unattractive or if I just couldn't compare.

He treats me like a queen and I am madly in love with him so now he is a beautiful "thing" to wake up to every morning!

Upon first sight you never could have convinced me!

I think these days women don't look for the right things in men that truly match them.
I know people will disagree but I think if you take a hard honest look in the mirror and you see yourself as a 10 then look for a 10. If you only see yourself as a 3 you can still shoot for a 10 but don't shut the door on the 3's of the world that may be more equal to yourself!


Aunt Becky said...

Yes. I probably would. Providing I didn't find them repulsive, I would.

kbreints said...

I think that there are so many different things that actract me to a person physically.... their eyes, there hands, the way they carry themselves... In my dating life I was attracted to many guys that others may not have been.

I think that it is important to be attracted to the person you are dating in one way or another physically. However it should not be the reason you are dating them.

I also think that once you are attracted to a person's persronality you will find things that you like about their apeareance that you may not have noticed otherwise-- the way they smile... laugh... the way they talk with their hands... whatever...

It IS importantant to be attracted to a person physically... However it may not bae the first thing that you notice.

Laura said...

I don't need a guy to be the hottest thing in town, certainly not. I find personality really influences my opinion of someone's attractiveness as well.

HOWEVER. I never found my ex-fiance attractive. I met him online, and I had seen photos of him but I really expected him to look different when I met him in person. I was disappointed, but I'd been talking to him for three months by then, and I REALLY wanted things to work with him because he seemed so great. So I decided to date him anyway and hoped his looks would grow on me.

They did, to a certain extent, but I learned that you cannot fake chemistry. You can force it for a little while - the infatuation of being with someone new can be enough to get you turned on for awhile. But after a certain length of time, that doesn't work anymore. Once that happened, for me, I stopped wanting him sexually. I went for 2 years where every single time I had sex, it seemed like a chore, and I did it out of guilt. And way less frequently than he wanted. That caused a whole host of other relationship problems that were unfixable, but I think you could ultimately trace the cause of our breakup back to the fact that I never found him attractive.

So no, I would never make that mistake again.

Jen said...

Hey, you're going to Tybee! Very cool, you'll be in my state, except on the other side of it.

Definitely hit the lighthouse, and then River Street in Savannah if you get time. And yes, I am giving you all the touristy places to go. There's a REASON it's touristy, you know.

As far as boys - I was pretty lucky in that I wasn't necessarily attracted to guys who weren't nice to me, but I did tend to pick guys who weren't as totally into me as I was them. And my type was "skinny white boy." And then I net Jason, who was a bit overweight, but otherwise totally my type, except that he came with the double-whammy baggage of a very fresh divorce and an infant. And here we are, 8 years later, married for 5 of those years. The thing is, as cliched as it sounds, I just KNEW.

Physical attraction is a big thing - it's a very important component of relationships. So you can't feel superficial about that. But sometimes, people's personalities make them cuter. That's where giving guys a chance comes in, maybe.

darkship said...

So this is a very interesting subject to see the other side of. as a (the) guy that reads this blog and comments I have to say that looks can matter but to me not as much as the personality. I do think there is something to be said for the old saying that there is someone for everyone.

I look at my own dating life, limited as it may be, and realize that I seem to find people to date that will accept me for who I am... a tall, slightly overweight guy and at one point that was half the reason I got married. I also have been stuck with the "nice guy" tag. I have always been the guy that is a friend and nothing more too. If you ask most of my friends that I hung out with in high school were female and I think I dated one of them. I still look at myself and wonder if I treated people like crap would I have a relationship now? I also realize that this is not me.

So to answer Heather's question... looks are more important then they should be, both guys and gals should find someone who treats them like the queen and king we all truly are

Anonymous said...

I have always been attracted tp the bigger, 'roughneck' type guys with a bit of a bad boy streak to them. My first husband was and is very much like that, and although we are now divorced, we are still best friends... we just marroed when I was way too young. (18)
On the other hand, my current husband, who I am now seperated from, is not that at all... he is very much the opposite. I am not attracted to him the way I should be, and we don't share the same interests, even though for the most part he treats me like a queen.
So yeah, I do believe you need to have the physical chemistry there at least somewhat. The men I date are usually mid scale (say 5-7) but to me, they are attractive.