Sunday, July 26, 2009

Anger, Fear & Frustration

Early this morning I received a message from a friend. A friend who was expecting a baby any day now. The message was telling me that her daughter had passed away. And all I could do was stare at the screen and wonder if I was reading it wrong.

I'm not as close to this friend as I once was yet I can not get this out of my head. There are several blogs that I read of people who have had babies who were born still but this is someone I know, not someone in the computer and somehow it seems so much more real this way.

I don't know any details at this point and really they are probably just details because the most important thing is that tonight she should be holding her new daughter and instead her arms are empty. And that makes me angry. It makes me angry for so many reasons.

Angry that some people get to screw up with their children and get chance after chance and she is a good person, a wonderful mother and yet she will never get a chance to know her second born child here on earth. And that seems horribly unfair to me.

It is late, yet my mind won't rest. This piece of information has dragged up all sorts of demons I thought I had laid to rest.

Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers tonight. I know I will.....


Alan_Courtney said...

Strange...I was feeling the same thing yesterday! She'll definately be in my prayers. Unfortunately we have no idea what God has planned. For some reason it was her time to go home. Perhaps He was trying to spare your friend the hurt of something that was wrong with the child. As much as it sucks, it's in his hands. Trust me....there are days where I just want to B*TCH slap God when I see him in heaven.

Aunt Becky said...

She's in my prayers. My heart is broken.

Ruth said...

That's so sad. I only know of one person that's ever had that happen. I work with her, and it happened before I met her. We have never discussed it, but people that were around when it happened have told me that's what happened. I've known her for about 2 years now and we're friends, but I still can't get myself to talk to her about it. It's so hard!

But, I have a strange question. Amber has pictures up in her office of her, and everyone in her family, holding Angel (the stillborn daughter). She was stillborn, but they had the hospital clean her up and everyone has a picture with her, Amber and her husband more than everyone else. Some look happy, other tears are streaming.

That always seemed a little weird to me. Kind of morbid. I mean, people do that with their kids all the time, but one that is deceased? I just don't know how I feel about that, but then again that's the only few hours any of them ever got to and will ever get to see her again until their day comes.

Obviously I would never ask you to ask this person if they did anything like that, but if you ever do find out can you let us know? I don't know what I would do in that situation but I was just wondering if that's really that off the wall for that situation. Or maybe some of your readers know of someone?

Or... better yet... is there a way to bring up the subject with a friend? I've kind of just been hoping that some day she brings it up, but that has yet to happen.

Anyway I really feel bad for your friend, it's an impossible situation. My prayers are with the family!

Jen said...

I am your friend - well, not really, but in the "I'm in the same situation" sense. My son died about 2 weeks before my due date, and was stillborn (though we knew going in).

Alan, I know you mean well, and I know that this is a way to reconcile such a huge tragedy. Heather, please do not say any of those things to your friend. Please. In all likelihood, she will have an autopsy (like me, rock and ROLL) that will tell her that her kid was perfectly healthy, as mine was. Accidents, cord and otherwise, they happen. I had a blood clot hit the placenta, causing fetal distress, causing the baby to release and then aspirate on meconium. If anyone tried to tell me that God had any kind of plan, I think I would have resorted to violence, not to mention my reaction to the suggestion that there was something wrong with my perfect baby boy.

Ruth, I don't have a pic up of my son at work, because I know people don't like to think about dead babies. I will tell you that she probably went through and tried to find the least "dead-looking" one so that she could have something, anything. I have my little one's photo up with the rest, at my house, which I understand is different from work. Multiple pics? At work? Not my bag, but if it gets her through the day, well, not much else does. Had her kid lived and then died at the age of 10, would it be weird? What's the age limit? I mean, I know the difference is those would be pics of when the kid was alive, but some people just don't have that, and make do. Not being defensive, because even I shudder at the whole work thing, just playing devil's advocate.

Any of y'all feel free to email me - jenkoz at gmail - if you want offline advice on how to handle this (or, at least, how I would want it handled). We appreciate your caring, and we know you don't know what to say. We don't, either, really. It's a very lonely thing, this thing.