Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Ahh... the Joys of the Internet...

This morning I went into my e-mail and was a bit shocked to see a comment on the post about my sister having absolutely nothing to do with my sister. The comment was rude and cutting and signed anonymously as all good comments of that nature are. So I deleted it. Figured that would be the end of it.

However, as I should have learned by now... that was not to be the end. On June 13th I celebrated 4 years of blogging on this forum. Over that time I have come to realize that people like this will come and go and often the ones that make the most noise come back again and again to make sure their noise is heard.

Then others get upset and tell me how awful I am for taking down the comments because obviously I can't handle a little criticism and I'm only leaving up what I want to hear.

So.... seeing no good reason not to let their noise be heard I thought I would just put it up here, in all of its glory. Because SHIT like this just DEMANDS to be read.....

Seriously, that's the card you're going to play. Don't get me wrong,
this comment isn't some personal vendetta. I do not know you. I found your site
about 1.5 years ago because through a friend of mine that's followed you from
nearly the beginning. She was always talking about your site, so I thought I'd
read it so I knew what the heck you were talking about. Most of the time, I
completely agree with you... but not this time!!!

What you're talking about, what happened with you and your sister, is
NORMAL. A LOT of kids do that, and most start in their teenage year. I resented
my brother when he was better at sports than I was and never attended any of his
games either. I hated him with a passion. Mind you, he is 3 years older than me,
and it's brother/sister instead of 2 girls, but it's the same concept. My
parents said the same things, and years later we are best friends.

I cannot believe that you're taking the opportunity to blame this on
your (soon to be) ex husband. He had NOTHING to do with it! If you weren't with
him, you would've had the same feelings for your sister and you eventually
would've found your sister again, just like you did. Timing may have been a
little different, but it's not his fault that you had a sister, hated her, then
fell in love with her all over again.

Shame on you for using him as a scapegoat for this. It's enough for me
to delete you from my daily list!

What I really love about this is how they take the first sentence to tell me that this isn't a personal vendetta. Sort of like saying don't take this personally but you are a complete ass and a waste of human life. See? It hurts less when I tell you not to take it personally right??

The other thing I love is how they state right up front, I do not know you. That right there is a signal for my brain to shut off. If you have been reading blogs for any length of time you would know right up front that what you read here is less than half of my life.

I don't come here and tell you every detail and unless you are reading my private blog you don't know the struggles I go through on a daily basis just to try to make my life manageable and to try to move past all the things that have happened to me.

I have never, ever in any way shape or form tried to blame ANYTHING on my ex. Please... READ what you are commenting on before you attack me. I take full and complete responsibility for the choices I made in my life. No where have I ever said it is because of him. Always because of ME... MY choices to live MY life that way.

As far as I know I was never locked away in a tower with the key thrown away. I was an idiot... I will be the first to admit that, but I had choices. There was never a time when I couldn't have said yeah... hey... don't want to do this any more. I didn't and believe me when I tell you I feel BAD about that. Don't really need you rubbing it in... but thanks for the reminder. Always helpful to be cut down by people who know nothing about me.

See, two months ago when I was in a much darker place I would have really been upset by this. I would have let it eat away at me and ruin my day. But today... if you want to be heard... there you go I have let you be heard.

Now you get to listen to me.

I reserve the right to take down any comment I feel is rude or off the point. It is my blog, if you don't like it, don't read it.

When I write something about my little sister, a post which took me a lot of tears to write and you come on to my blog and throw me under the bus because you didn't understand what I wrote rather than e-mailing me to ask me about it... I'm going to delete it.

I take full 100% responsibility for the really shitty choices I made in my life and the train wreck that it became. I'm standing up in front of all of you with a giant neon sign pointing down at me.




I thought that part was perfectly clear. You want to attack me now... it's open season on Heather... use this post as your stomping ground... but DON'T you dare destroy a post that is about my baby sister.






Anonymous said...

I dont seem to understand where anonymous is coming from.. I have never seen where you blame your x for your sibling rivalry.. I know exactly where you are coming from.. I have been there myself.. its hard when you are with someone who has an illness. you feel as if you are the only person in the world who could possibly make it better for him. and you lose touch with everyone who cares about you because in this difficult time how could you possibly know how much support you have to make yourself better when you have to constantly be in fear of what HE is doing next .. So anonymous until you have walked in Heather's shoes keep your opinion to yourself.. she has NEVER blamed him for the lack of sibling love.. she simply stated that her own world was so busy she didnt realize how much a SISTER could mean to her... People go thru a lot to help and cherish the ones they love...

Heather keep your faith every day will get better and one day you will look back and thank the good lord for always giving you the strength you needed to get through all of this and make a great life for you and your son.


becky said...

I actually saw merit in what anon said. The part that says 'part of this is because...' Is placing blame. I went through a lot of this about 12 years ago, and a 'step' I went through was placing blame on all the things I regretted on him. I know now that I did that with a little professional help. I was actually curious to see the reaction biut I see Heather has struck again, deleting anything that doesn't fit with her way of seeing things. So before, TL, you assume that people in your position never do that, maybe you should do some research. I actually see a lot of myself now about 10 years ago here. It does take time to heal, but some of those people you deem negetive or not worthly of leaving up their comment, are often times right and you won't see this until you're much further along in the healing process than you are now! Maybe someday you'll understand!

becky said...

First I want to appologize if anything I said hurt you, Heather. That is not and has not been my intention. I do not know you and never have claimed to. Like I said in my original post, about 12 years ago I went through an ordeal similar to yours. I'm still not completely over it and I doubt I ever will be, but I have moved on and my 7-year live in boyfriend (I don't think I could ever remarry and he's ok with that) is completely understanding that I am damaged and have my moments.

When I originally read your post, I didn't see it. When I read anon's post last night, I re-read your post and I understood where the word 'blame' came in. Did I agree with it? Not for me to say, but I understood where they saw it. But it made me remember a time in my therapy where I was placing blame on him. Sometimes in an obvious manner, other times more discretely. I know that everyone's situation is different and therefore everyone's healing is, too. I know it sounds crazy, but when I saw that post gone and the TL saying that's definitely not the case, that no way could there be any blame there, it hit a bad chord in my past. I took it personally! My comment, now that I re-read it, was more than it should have been and didn't have my true meaning in it, just my personal defenses shining through. The part about you deleting posts, that has to do with a time shortly after you released the 'story' on your blog, I made a comment, a lot in the same manner that you deleted, claiming I was someone out to get you basically and I was hurt. I didn't feel I should reply at the time because I remember how I was when 'it' hit the fan in my world. But regardless, I wanted to appologize since I know now that I didn't get across my true feelings which is this: yes, there is much more to your post than the one slight mention of your ex. My siblings and I all went through that as well. When I read anon's msg, it brought me back to my situation when I could've seen myself blaming that on him and saw where they were coming from about that 1 line. If they know you and have another agenda, I don't know. I just know that when I jumped that hurdle it helped me heal tremendously and IF that's an undertone others are seeing, maybe it really is there and could be a next step in your recovery as well! Sorry for any confusion...

Jessica said...

What amazes me is how there is a whole post on sisterhood with "one sentence" where Heather grasps for something to excuse or answer why she stayed away.

And that one sentence compared to the whole post has turned into rude comments. Are you kidding me?

So Heather took a comment down, so she may not have worded what she meant in a manner you all understood, so you may not agree with what she said or how she feels....She damn near lost her sister to a tragic accident on top of going through a less than 100% peaceful divorce (not laying blame most divorces are not)! I have to imagine her emotions are all over the place.

And I read the bottom line as: Heather feeling horrible she hasn't made more of an effort to be there for and with her sister.

I can't believe the people that will throw stones at someone who is already hurt, trying and grasping to get up and recover.

Anne said...

Can I ask a question? I'm VERY new to the blogging world... As in I don't think anyone has ever read my blog, and I'm ok with that because I've read blogs for about a year now and see things like this happen and it scares me! I guess I have no backbone!

Anyway you're the second blog I have read that says something along the lines of: if you don't like what I say email me instead of commenting... Well to a point anyway!

Is there a reason you do it this way? Do you get much spam by havng your email on here? Do you really get any more of a resolution to mean people by them emailing you? Or do they even bother?

Thank you for your blogger-wisdom!

kbreints said...

Yes, this is a prime example of how people will misconstrue a post into what they want to read.

The people that know you IRL know that your x really had very little to nothing to do with this post.

I would chalk all these angry comments up to the fact that they do not have the luxery of knowing your tone of voice.

...and if annon DOES know you and is lying. Shame on them.

Jessica said...


Email and ask before you assume and comment based upon your assumption.

Email any unkind words you have to say rather than hiding behind Anonymous.

I think that is the purpose of emailing.

Heather said...


In a perfect world if someone didn't understand something I wrote they would e-mail me. We would have a civil conversation about it and at the end perhaps we would just agree to disagree.

However, when someone comes on my blog and attacks me under anonymous it leaves me no way to defend myself or clear up what may have been a misunderstanding.

Heck, in real life these people might be good friends of mine if we could just talk it out.

Perhaps it would be a oh... THAT'S what you meant. Followed by a OH... thanks for pointing out to me that it sounded that way... that's not how I meant it at all.... and then we could go for drinks....

But in the blog world it becomes one anonymous comment followed by one obnoxious blog post on my part and in the end we are no closer to finding a solution and no one really feels better than they did when they started.

Hope that helps.


Anonymous said...

After the off the wall tacky comment posted by anonymous (featured in your post) I would think that you Heather would not even want to be on their daily reading list. As in please do not associate my blog with that sort of rudeness.

Anne said...

Thank you! That does help. Now if only I can catch on to the- if they say they don't know you they probably do! I read all of those nasty posts and they all say they don't know you and give stories to prove it! I believed them! So much to learn! Thanks again!

Alan_Courtney said...

And if they're going to post something like that at least have the balls to post their name. And it's a freakin blog peoples. It's about heather, her life, her points of view, what she's going through.....What shocked me was how long the response was....and I thought I didn't have a life!

Aunt Becky said...

It's always one sentence that people pick up on and run with. Happens to me all the freaking time.

Jen said...

Hey, Becky (and anonymous, wherever you are) - the part where she says "part of this is because" (what you see as blame) reads as such (emphasis mine):

Part of this, I can tell you right now is because of the life I was living and the choices I was making about babysitting my partner instead of living my own life.

She's owning her choices, not blaming the ex. I've not been through any 12-step program, but common sense tells me that's a good thing.

Oh, and Anonymous: I fixed your comment for you:

Hey, Heather, don't beat yourself up! We all hate our siblings growing up, but those pesky parents usually turn out to be right when they say you'll be best friends later! We're all selfish assholes until we're about 21 or 22, so don't be so hard on yourself! Hugs!

Anonymous said...

It's simple this is Heather's blog she gets to manage it how she wants THE END !!!!!!!! She does not need any personal attacks based on someones misguided understanding of her post about her baby sister while she was in the hospital fighting for her life !!!!! Sorry if it seems like I'm screaming on your blog Heather but DAMN some people are STUPID . Take care girl , Dave

maja said...

its ok heather, some people are just mean and it makes them feel better to try to cut others down

Mary said...

Seriously no one thinks either of the 2 could've had good intentions?
I guess annonymous never came back so maybe that one was negetive. I guess I took his/her comment to simply say that they thought that's what you were doing and if that's the case they didn't approve.

As for Becky, reading the 2 entries I believe her, too! It sounds like she did get defensive and is sorry. Who else would write such a long drawn-out explanation and say sorry?

If there are other intensions, then by all means off with their heads! But I hope for the sake of what's right at least one of you had good intentions and good for you for making it right, Becky!

Trying to stay positive here!

Heather, I think you are a good sister. You went above and beyond what people normally do by devoting your time to a blog for us all to keep up on. You can't changethe past but your devotion tells me you are willing to make it better and make up for it! Kudos!

Prayers for continued recovery.