So...Um... Yeah...

HELLO?? Is anyone still out there?? I think I may here an echo.....

I guess if no one is there I wouldn't entirely blame you. I, myself, have been pretty much non-existent on all of your sites as well. In fact as it is I am SO far behind on reading that I may just have to scrap the idea of getting caught up and just read from this point forward. Which is really a shame because some of you have some very interesting things going on in your lives that I would love to read about.

As for me and where I have been... um... yeah... that's a good question. I'd kind of like to know the answer to that myself so let me know if you figure it out okay?

No really, I have lots of reasons for being gone but I'm not sure that any of them really add up to a "good" excuse. I can pretty much sum up my absence in one word... overwhelmed.

First and foremost work has been crazy. I really under estimated how hard it would be to keep my personal life at home. In the past I have never really had a problem with it but since I carry this little man everywhere I go, he is sort of hard to not think about. Consequently my work performance has sort of slipped.

Basically I'm behind, REALLY behind. I tried to be a hero this summer by sticking it out and being here but I wasn't really doing any chargeable work since I was so sick. So, that angered a few people because they think that if I'm not going to be doing anything I should be taking personal time instead of just spacing off. I see their point, really I do, but if I had done that I probably would have been gone for 6 weeks this summer!!

So, since I didn't really get anything done this summer I am finding these last two tax deadlines to be rather taxing. (HeHe... see I can still joke!!) My main place to blog has always been in the mornings or at lunch here at work. However, since I'm behind taking 30 minutes or an hour to do nothing but play on the internet just doesn't seem feasible.

Then there is my next issue. I'm TIRED. Like most of the time I'm just barely keeping my eyes open when I get out of here. Consequently I'm lucky if I am EVER here on time because I have so much trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. So that compounds problem number one even further.

Once I get home from here I mostly just want to sleep or relax on the couch. Last week I spent most of my evenings getting things ready so we could paint last weekend. Yes I painted, no I don't anticipate the little one to come out with 12 fingers... but I will let you know.

So, I can't blog at work, and when I get home I'm either running around trying to get things ready for the baby or I'm lying motionless on the couch. So, you ask... why not go to bed earlier. Oh... if only it were that easy. See... I don't sleep. At least not well.

My mind does not shut down until 9:00 or 10:00 at the earliest. So even though my body feels like it has been hit by a truck, my mind is still going 100 miles a minute. Then... once I do fall asleep I only get to sleep for about 2 or 3 hours before I have to get up and pee. AND... yes, I have tried limiting my intake of fluids in the evenings, it doesn't help.

So, once I get up then it is a complete crapshoot as to whether I will be able to fall back asleep or not. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes it takes an hour or more. Oh, and did I mention that when I am asleep it's not really a restful sleep? My sleep is filled with all of these really strange dreams. Which leads me to believe that I am not getting the deep sleep that I obviously so desperately need.

Finally, lets tack on the stress. I am a highstrug person by nature and lately I have been feeling EXTREMELY overwhelmed. I feel like there is still so much to get ready for the baby and so I'm thinking about that constantly. So, I find myself thinking about that when I should be working, and then I stress about whether I'm going to make my bosses angry and they are going to fire me and people we are NOT a one income type of family right now.

Add to that all of the stress I have with Jake and I think I really need a few tranquilizers. What about Jake you say? Well, it's nothing and it is everything all in one. We are just approaching this from two very different angles. He thinks that the baby will get here and we will just fall into our lives and adjust. I on the other hand want our lives to be adjusted right now. And god damn it... I'm the pregnant one... adjust already!!

Basically it boils down to things I don't really want to happen when the baby is here. Like all night fishing trips (yes I realize the fish bite better in the later hours... no... I don't care), and drinking during the week, and the occasional smoking he does (he's in construction... EVERYONE smokes in construction), and the lying around on Sundays. I want everything to be fixed right now and he thinks that once the little one is here it will fall into place.

I don't know who is right but I do know that these same things happened before I was pregnant, so it's not that he's changed anything... it's just that I've changed how I look at them.

So... let's recap shall we?

1) I'm behind at work
2) I don't sleep and when I do it's not well
3) If I'm not too exhausted at night I'm trying to get stuff ready for the baby
4) I'm stressing myself out about LOTS of stuff

So... there you have it. That is where I've been. And this post has just taken be 30 minutes to write and I'm at work. SHIT... falling behind again... gotta go....