Thursday, March 22, 2007

Angry

That's where I am at today. They say there are different stages to processing any crisis situation. The stage I have now made it to is anger. Anger and frustration.

Last night I got home and there was a card in my door from DHS. They are investigating my home because of Jake. I don't have to be drug tested and it's not a formal investigation or anything it's just that any time meth is involved they have to go to the home and make sure the children are ok.

So... now I have to take him to a doctor to make sure they approve of the fact that he is fine and then I have to deal with being scrutinized. It makes me very angry that I have to fight to keep my son.

Last night I also went and visited Jake with his sister. I know that it is still early in the process and I know that it is going to take awhile but he asked about his four wheeler. That makes me angry. Of all the things he is fighting to keep you would think that a four wheeler would be VERY far down the list. Yet he asked if I was going to sell it.

It makes me very angry that I am on the outside fighting to keep my family together and fighting to keep my head above water with all the debt I have been left with and he is worried about a god damn four wheeler.

Speaking of debt... over the past couple of months our debt has gone from $9,000 at the beginning of December to $23,500 now. Why you ask? Well he wrecked a jeep, and then he wrecked another jeep and then he stole from me and then he didn't work and we had to borrow money. OH... and then he decided he needed to go out and buy a four wheeler!!

It makes me very angry that I am here swimming in debt because he couldn't get his SHIT together and he is there, watching TV and sleeping all day.

You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand

One day at a time... I can do this.

7 comments:

kreints said...

YOU CAN DO THIS... because you have friends to support and back you up. Do not try to do it alone. I am SO proud of you for being so honest about it all on this website. Prayers and thoughts flowing your direction.

Jess Olson said...

I know you think I am relieved that you are finally angry. I would take on everything you are going through right now if I could make it easier for you. I know that you would do the same for me. I wish I could step into your shoes for a short time to make all those terribly difficult decisions you are to terrified to make or to heartbroken to think about.

I noticed from reading the comments on your blog that many people feel sorry for you for what you are going through. I am way past feeling sorry for you and now I just do what I see needs to be done because I value our friendship and I love you and Spikey. I wish I could go back to the days of feeling sorry for you because then I would know we wouldn't be doing the same exact thing we were doing five years later, with no progress. Then I wonder...When is it going to end? When is Heather going to realize that she is worth more than this lifestyle, when is she going to begin to demand more for herself and her child? When will she see the beauty in herself that all of us see and realize 'I AM WORTH MORE'! When is Jake going to leave the drugs, get what he has done and change his ways; when is he going to see that he has the best "thing" begging him to come home?
You can only bash your head against a wall so many times before you either bleed or die. You either quit when it begins to bleed or you die trying to quit.

You have told me....I promised Jake I would never give up on him...and...I don't want my son to hate me someday for not making it work with his daddy....Here is my reply....

From a child of a drug addict biological father who was abusive with my mother,neglected me my whole life and been in and out of jail for most of his life....
I thank God everyday that my mom had the strength to leave. I thank God that she loved me enough to go against her promises to him. Most of all I thank God that she got out before I was old enough to remember anything but an innocent childhood filled with happy memories of just me and my mom! My "dad" could have called, he could have been there, he could have been a part of my life and CHOSE not to.
My mom loves me and I love her and THAT is all I need to know!

Zack will feel the same; how could he not when you choose him!

Love you,
Auntie Skinny! :)

Lynanne said...

From experience being on the other end of DHS, you are in the best possible position in their eyes. You took the initiative and turned Jake in. You saw that your son was in danger. It will still suck to deal with the formal investigation, but try and remind yourself that the scrutiny is not on you. I hope they will be empathetic -- let them help you protect your son.

As for the 4th wheeler - you have a right to be angry. Jake is clearly seriously ill. No one should have to go through what you are. Stay strong and keep fighting.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

I can only imagine how ANGRY you feel about the four wheeler! I would say sale it first - but can't advise you to do something that I myself probably wouldn't do either.

Know that your blog friend (ME) is pulling for you!

Anonymous said...

Heather, it's okay to love Jake but that doesn't mean that you have to put your life on hold waiting for him to get his act together. Your love for your son and yourself needs to surpass your desire to fix him because it is his life and he is in charge - there is nothing you can do that will fix him and, the reality is, that when Meth is involved achieving permanent sobriety is very, very rare.

Zack's life will be better if you work now to establish a stable home. You say you are strong but true strength will be letting Jake worry about himself for the first time in 10 years.

True strength will be finding a way to accept that you can still feel love for Jake while at the same time not letting his actions affect you any longer.

Please, please move on. Do it for you, do it for your baby.

What would you tell Zack if he were an adult and living in this same situation? What would you tell a friend?

JessOlson said...

Heather - I swear I am not "anonymous"....but AMEN! I am glad to finally know that I am not the only person thinking the same thing. I am glad to hear that someone thinks it and says it far better than I!

kreints said...

Anonymous had some very wise things to say-- I could not have said them better. Not that the reality of their comments would not be hard... but it would be wise choice.