How goes it?

It goes.

Is that enough of an update for you?

Well aren't you all just hard to please!

Let's see, this week has been CRAZY!! The tax deadline is on Tuesday and so I have a million things I am trying to get done. The piles on my desk don't ever seem to end. Plus I have about 5 returns for family and friends that I said I would do and have not been getting done and now they are calling wondering when their returns will be filed.

Note to self, next year better predict when world will fall apart so can decline friend requests for tax services!!

The earliest I have been home all week has been 9:15. I have either been working, visiting Jake or trying frantically to get the friend returns done. I told my mom that tax season is going to get over and I'm going to go to pick up Zack next Wednesday and he's going to look at me like who the hell are you??

As for Zack, he seems to be doing much better. He slept all day yesterday. He would wake up, eat and then go right back to sleep so I'm guessing he is a growing little boy. Which is good. We had a doctors appointment for him yesterday and he weighs 12 lbs 6.5 oz which is up from where he was last week so he is gaining weight as he should be. He's still in the 50th percentile for weight but the doctor says as long as he stays consistent than they don't worry.

The gastroenterologist (sp?) still wants to do an upper GI on him just to make sure that everything is functioning correctly but he says he doesn't anticipate finding anything. They asked me when was a good time to schedule that and my standard answer applied. Any time AFTER next Tuesday!!

As for the rest of my life, I'm struggling to keep my head above water but I'm still here. Jake goes to MECCA tomorrow and then HOPEFULLY will transfer to the next treatment facility rather quickly. I have not heard very positive things about the MECCA program so I would really like him to get into a REAL treatment facility as soon as possible.

In the back of my jeep is his bag for MECCA. I am taking it to visiting hours tonight so that he can put the rest of his clothing in it. I spent an hour at Wal-Mart last night gathering the essential items. Soap, shampoo, razors (no he can't keep them.. they keep them locked up and then "supervise" his use), deodorant, etc. All alcohol free items.

Do you know how hard it is to find alcohol free shampoo and deodorant? No really, you would think it would be easy but you have NO idea how many things have alcohol in them!! He ended up with some off brand of deodorant and shampoo. He was able to keep his regular soap though!! Yeah!!

So now, the only things I have left to do are to pick up his prescriptions and get him some quarters for the pop machines and then he will be all packed and my panic attack with continue to escalate.

Yesterday was a hard day for me as it slowly dawned on me that tomorrow he will essentially be free again. For three and a half weeks I have not had to worry about where he is or what he is doing and tomorrow all of that goes away in a sense. He will still be in a treatment program but from here on out the ball is back in his court.

None of the long term treatment facilities in Iowa are locked. They take the approach that the people have to want the help so locking them up is not going to do them any good. Therefore, if he wanted to, he could walk at any time. That freaks me out a little. I very much like the control that I felt when I knew he was safely locked away from all of the drugs and druggies.

I suppose in the end this is a learning experience for both of us. I have to turn the control over to him and essentially let him sink or swim. I have spent so much of the past few years thinking that if I took his car away or made sure he didn't have any money that it would keep him away from the drugs. In the end, however, he is the only one that can do that.

If he succeeds he has everything to gain and if he fails he has everything to loose and there's NOTHING I can do right now to make or break that. That is a hard thing for a control freak to come to terms with!!