Thursday, April 19, 2007

Letting go..

Yesterday was a hard day for Jake and I. He has basically made up his mind that he does not want to go to another treatment program. He, instead, wants to do the halfway program that MECCA provides and then do outpatient treatment. This upsets me.

We argued, I cried, he yelled, then he talked and I talked. He doesn't want to go to another program and miss out on more of his son's life. I'm torn. I get to see Zack every day and missing Jake is not the same as missing Zack. If someone told me that I had to go away and miss more of his life, when every day he changes so much, I don't think I'd do it either.

I spent most of the night tossing and turning over this and when I woke up this morning I had a sore throat and my body ached and I came to a conclusion. I have to let go. I am making myself sick and it's not doing me one damn bit of good.

In the end it doesn't matter what program Jake does because if he doesn't want it to work he could be there for 2 years and it wouldn't make him better. I have spent so long thinking that I could do something for him and feeling terribly when things didn't go right. I am continually asking myself what if and beating myself up thinking I could have done something.

But you know what? I couldn't have. I have done everything I know how to do and right now there is NOTHING else I can do. I have to let go of the control and give it all to Jake and see what he does with it. He is the only one that can make this program work and if he honestly thinks he can do that with one month in MECCA and three months in a halfway house than I have to let him do it.

And if he fails, I have to be willing to let go of the thoughts of what if I would have made him go somewhere else because in the end, it all comes down to choices. And unfortunately for a control freak it is hard to let him make those but I have to. I can't be with him 24/7 and I can't stop him from doing drugs if that is what he chooses. So, I have to let go and realize that this is not my decision and it is not my path to walk.

Jake and I will go to counseling. We will try to work on our issues and if we are not at a place where I feel comfortable with him coming home in 3 1/2 months than I will choose to live apart from him. That is all I can do right now. I can honestly tell you that letting go will be the hardest thing I have ever done but if I want my life back it is the only thing that I can do.

So, you're job, oh faithful ones is to keep reminding me. If you hear me talking like I am trying to make decisions for him or beating myself up because I didn't do something and he made a bad choice please remind me that I let go. Pry my little hands off of the control stick if you have to but please just keep reminding me.

Heather, today is the first day of your new life and today you let go....

11 comments:

spellconjurer said...

how will you know if he is doing drugs? and if you do live apart, will he have visitation with Zack? you said also that you think you'd not be able to spend any time away from your baby, but somehow I know in my heart, if you were going to be with your baby and do any sort of drugs, that you would rather spend the time away to get better so when you were with your son, you were not on drugs. I don't know Heather, I'm confused too. There are SO many variables that are out of everyone's control. I was just sort of wishing/hoping that Jake would have had these weeks to sober up himself, and see what his life had become and want himself to cling to every treatment available. You can tell I'm no sort of counselor. I have absolutely no answers. Just please, please put the safety and eventual happiness of you and your son, first and foremost. That is within your control. That you can reasonably see to. We are all supporting you from whatever corner of the earth we're in. You will not sink, because we will keep you floating.

Heather said...

Answers:

I will know if he is doing drugs because he is drug tested each time he leaves the halfway house program. Also, when and if he re-enters our home he will be drug tested by DHS.

If we live apart he will have the same drug tests from DHS before he is allowed to visit with Zack.

At the end of the day I laid down and made a baby with him and I can't keep him away from his son unless I have something (i.e. a dirty drug test) to make that happen. The courts are very clear on parental rights.

I too was hoping that he would take the additional time to do this the "right" way but as a member of his family has reminded me my "right" way and his "right" way may be two different things.

At some point I have to let Jake be the 26 year old man that he is and if he fails miserably I can't feel guilty about it. He made a choice and he will have to live with the consequences.

Zack and I have enough support from family and friends that we will be okay.

Kbreints said...

I know that this was a very hard thing for you to do. Jake does need to make his own choices. You cannot control the choices that he makes, and you cannot beat yourself up for them either. Jake is going to do what Jake is going to do. However now, more than ever, you will need to know when and where to draw that "line in the sand" and stick to your guns. Yours & Zach's future relies on that. I think that jake most likely likes the ides of this halfway house because he will have more freedom than what he has now or at Broadlawns. Think back heather - you said yourself that he missed an entire week of his life after he was born. Was he "missing" him then? I think that Jake is using that excuse to not have to go to a full time treatment center. I am not discrediting his love for Zach - but I think that he is using that excuse to tug at your heartstrings.

Shane and Jessica Olson said...

Amen Katie...

That is exactly what my email to Heather said. I think he is using Zack to get what he wants and I think Heather is using her need for normalcy with Jake through Zack. I have to take Zack to see Jake on Saturday...well no you don't have to, seeing Zack is a privaledge one that Jake didn't utilize when he was "free". I am not saying keep his son from him but Heather you are still doing EVERYTHING for Jake. At some point he is going to have to get his priorities straight and then go after them himself!

Krista said...

Ultimately you are right. No matter how hard it is, this choice, and whether it works or not is up to Jake. You cannot force him to go to a different program. And, even if you could, forcing him to attend wouldn't make him participate. Do I think this is a smart choice on his part, not necessarily, but it is his choice and you have to let him make it... and live with the consequences. The drug testing will keep you safe as long as they will provide you with the results (will they even if he doesn't give permission?) And what if he leaves the halfway house but doesn't come straight to your place?

Either way, I will be here to remind you that he had to make these choices if I hear you making excuses or trying to take responsibility. If his son is the only motivation he needs, then you should hear nothing but good things from all of us and this program will be all he needs. If the drugs are stronger than his parental instincts then I hope he recognizes that and checks himself immediately into a different prograam!

spellconjurer said...

Heather I just like you so much. I envy your friends having such a wonderful friend in you. I want to go to lunch, give you a hug, see you smile, sniff your yummy baby boy,,,,but alas, internet friends are not quite the same as real ones are they? Darn it all. I'm ever so glad to know you from here though. Lucky lucky me. Keep your chin up, for every tough thing in your life right now, I can (even not knowing you that well) think of a good thing to equal out the bad. Sending cyber hugs your way.

Anonymous said...

I have read your blogs heard about them through a friend. I will tell you this. I was a single mom and married a meth addict thinking he had been clean. After 3 months of marriage I found out he had been shooting up in our bathroom right under my nose. While my 5 year old son was just a few feet away in the living room. I tried to get him into rehab. He like Jake was concerned about his 4-wheeler (must be a tweaker thing) I finally left. There was NO way I was going to let my child grow up in an unstable family, because he was not going to learn that that is how men act, or treat women. I kicked him out and I never looked back and it hurt, and I was humiliated, and felt like he loved the meth more than he loved me. But you know what my son has never been happier, I met someone new and my ex is STILL relapsing, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do.
So my advice to you is do what's best for your son, meth addicts are great con artists. I fear he's using your son as an excuse to come back home. The first time he doesn't come back home I'd kick him out because he's not there to watch his son grow. Plus if he's doing meth in the house with your son your son CAN have effects from that.
Also, I think you are smart enough to know this but I don't care if he says he's clean DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SON ALONE WITH HIM. I don't care that it's his dad. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE. Meth addicts that are in recovery have very bad tempers and they will shake a baby.

Anonymous said...

Another thing to ask your self... what would you be LOSING by leaving him?
sleepless nights
stress
money problems
worrying about the welfare of your son
worrying DHS will take your child away
wrecked cars
going to jail for stolen items on your property

What's the positives about keeping Jake around?

You're not single

That's the only thing I can see.

You are your sons only protection is it really worth risking it for a meth addict?

Anonymous said...

As hard as this is Heather, I have absolutely NO DOUBT about your ability, your drive and your commitment to not only survive but to THRIVE. You will see this thing with Jake through to its natural conclusion and if that means that one day about 50 yeqrs from now you and Jake are still hand in hand on your front porch watching your great grandkids, then you will have the last laugh. And if that means that one day five years from now, Zach enters kindergarden and turns and waves goodbye to mommy, as he heads into the classroom and Jake is no where to be found, you will have the knowledge and satisfaction that as difficult as this time in your life is, you found the courage to let a sinking ship sink, and will have saved your son and yourself. I am so proud of you. So proud of your handling of this impossibly painful situation. I hate that you are suffering, but which ever future is in store for you, I know that it will be all the sweeter for what you are going through right now. Obviously, you are not alone, never will be you are a reminder to all of us to be true to ourselves, to stand strong. We are all better people for knowing you. - M

Anonymous said...

I don't know who that first anonymous is but I hope you do or I hope they continue to read and comment. They have said everything I already felt but couldn't say because my feelings weren't factual. Theirs are, they have been through it.
Are some people able to rehabilitate themselves yes but the odds are against Jake with only an 8% recovery rate. And even more so because he doesn't want to be in rehab.
I agree with the second anonymous too....what do you feel like you are going to lose if you leave him? You have never given up on Jake, you have stuck this out for ten years, you have sacraficed everything for him. For you to end something that is unhealthy all around is NOT giving up on him, it is putting the welfare of your child and yourself ahead of his addiction.
You have said,I am with him for better or for worse. I too take my marital vows very seriously but I can't think of anyone who would say you disrespected your marital vows by gracefully bowing out. In a sense I wonder if you feel like you are the only one in this marriage?
You have mentioned the research you have done on his addiction and what other addicts have to say and so on.
Wouldn't it be interesting to see what the addicts families, wives, ex-wives, and children have to say?
I could start if you want...because I can certainly tell you what it will be like from Zack's perspective. I have been there!

Shane and Jessica Olson said...
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