Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Broken

Things are piling up on my desk at work. I spent all day yesterday trying to get something done... ANYTHING done. It didn't work, I just couldn't concentrate.

At home it is much of the same. My house is presentable but by no means as clean as I would like it. The counters are once again getting cluttered and it makes me angry to look at but I just don't seem to have the motivation to change it.

All around me life seems to be going on as normal and yet somehow I'm just stuck. I'm going through the motions but I'm not sure I'm making any progress. Jake has been gone for three and a half months now.

This weekend he will be returning to our home. He will only be here for two days (on a pass so we can have a meeting with DHS) but still the prospect of two days makes me uneasy. I'm not worried that we will fight, I'm not worried that he will use, I'm not even worried that he will not want to return to the treatment facility, I'm not really sure what I'm worried about.

Deep down there is just a part of me that has not yet been able to heal. And dealing with him, on what has now become MY territory, brings back all kinds of memories. Even now as I am writing this my breaths become shallow and it feels like someone is pressing on my chest with a 100 lb weight. I have to remind myself to just breath.

Every week someone asks me "how is Jake doing?" "how are you doing?" My answer is always the same.

"Fine."

Would anyone understand if I answered how I really feel?

"Broken."

**I promise that at some point in the near future I will expand on this. However, today, at this moment this is all I'm capable of.**

5 comments:

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Broken sounds like a good answer. BTW I know I'm just your blogger friend but when I ask how are you doing - Fine is not an okay answer. I'm here to share with if you need me.

Your going to work, your taking care of your son. You are doing OKAY! cut yourself some slack on the "getting everything done" area.

Todd said...

You hang in there. You're one of the strongest people I know for doing this for so long!! But don't be afraid to lean on others. Trust me I know it's hard to do sometimes but that's what friends and family are for.

Connie said...

Read your blog back to yourself again.....you are starting to realize you do need intervention/therapy for yourself. That makes me hopeful and very happy.....we all want you to get well, too. It's part of the process, but, much like a diet, you have to want it. I hope you are on the way to that healing time, as well as Jake.

Danette said...

Heather- We are here for you & are at your becken call. Please say the word & we'll be there. You are strong & you will get through. Remember talk/lean to a friend or family member. You don't have to go through this on your own.
LOL

Kbreints said...

Heather you are amazing. It is ok to be broken. But, you are also on the mend- and that is what counts. Doctors always say that your bones are dtronger after they have been broken. You are going to be stronger and already are - because of all of this! I believe in you. You can get through. And of course... I better get the truth out of you when I ask!