Friday, July 06, 2007

When??

I've been composing this post in my head for about two weeks now. I have been trying to think of a way to adequately convey my feelings. However, after two weeks, I think I'm coming full circle back to the same place. So, I'm just going to spill what I'm thinking in my semi awkward way and hope it makes sense.

When I had my son everyone told me there would come a day when I would no longer be completely entranced by him. A day when I would want others to hold him just to give me a break or want him to be able to play on his own. I was assured that the new baby "thing" would quickly wear off and I would get tired of holding him 24/7.

So my question to all of you mom's out there is when?

I don't want to sound like a super mom or anything. Believe me, I have my moments during the day, like last night when he slept while I made my dinner but woke up right as I was getting ready to eat. I too have those moments where I just want him to stay asleep for 10 minutes longer or play quietly or whatever.

But really, for the most part, if I didn't have housework to do I would pretty much be content to hold him 24/7 or play with him 24/7. There are evenings when he falls asleep while having his bottle and I will just hold him and rock and watch him sleep for 10, 15, sometimes 20 minutes.

On Tuesday my friend Jess came over and she helped me by feeding Zack while I had a meeting with the DHS worker. A part of my heart was ripped out as she was feeding him. That is our routine. I feed him, he get a bath and then I rock him while he has his bottle and goes to sleep. I let her do it... but it ached the whole time. I just wanted to run across the room and swoop him into my arms. It's not that I thought she did it wrong or anything like that. It's really a feeling I can't describe very well. But it's a feeling that was there just the same.

When he was 8 - 12 weeks old and was so sick with Bronchilitus I got into the habit of having him sleep in my bed. When he would cough and start to choke I was right there to prop him up and make sure he was ok. While the illness did go away the sleeping with me continued until he was 4 months or so. Those first few nights that I moved him to his crib there was a part of me that was just longing for him to wake up and cry so I could run in there, scoop him up and bring him back in with me. Just so I would know he was safe.

Even now, now that I know he and I both sleep better in separate places, I still check on him several times after he goes to bed and before I do. Just to make sure he is doing alright. Is he too hot, is he too cold, is his binkie close enough that he can find it if he needs it??

I continually worry about him and if I could I would probably have him in a little pack n' play right next to me at work. There are days that I will get off early to go home and accomplish something and all I can think of on the way home is how I just want to RUN to daycare and get him. But I don't. I know that if I have to mow the lawn he is having more fun at daycare than he would be sitting under a tree at our house.

Next week, in 6 short days (six days people... I think I might cry) my baby will be six months old. And after six months I love him more and want to hold him more than I did right after he was born. If someone would pay me to gaze adoringly at him and kiss his neck and tickle his belly I think I could make a fortune.

So really, am I alone here? Is this something that people just don't talk about because you are supposed to "get over it" already? Am I more attached to him because I'm a single mom right now so I don't have to share my attention between him and my husband in the evenings?? Or am I just... let's say it all together now... you're just weird!! Yeah... I thought so...

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think its great that you haven't "gotten over it". Wait until he hits about 1 1/2 and you will want time away from him, then 2 may be a little worse, and 3 is by far the worst. Anyways, it could be like this for you because he is the constant in your life and he is where you draw comfort and love. You have had a terrible time the last few months and the one thing that stayed the same was him and your love for each other. It might change some when Jake gets home, but until you feel comfortable drawing that comfort from Jake, you will continue to go to Zack.

Todd said...

I've got to say when he starts talking to you it's great...but then the talking back starts. There are days that I want to ship Sean to his mom and say you deal with him for 7 years and then I'll take him back. I feel like a horrible parent when I don't miss him.....but I don't all the time. It's nice to have a break. You're still a new parent I promise IT WILL wear off it may just take longer for you then others.

Shane and Jessica Olson said...

I wondered why you checked on us taking our bath ... OH 8 times in 8 minutes. :) It must have double killed you to see we weren't doing things the way you do (as you so kindly pointed out).
I think part of what makes your feelings the way they are is you are not over protective. You allow him to lay on the floor and fuss a little, you allow him to cry in his crib until he self soothes himself, you know when is when to give him space (well most of the time).
I agree...I think it will pass. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday.

Jennifer said...

I remember the first time I felt angry at Lennon - he was about 20 months old, just after Lily was born. He was in the backyard doing something dangerous and blatantly ignoring my admonitions to stop.

I felt this flash of anger at him and then I cried! I never thought I would get angry at him and there it was.

I thik the time that I started to desperately need some alone time was when they were around 3 and 4. You just get so tired of being constantly talked to and hearing every thing out of there mouth start with, "Mommy..."

Quit saying my name :-)

Danette said...

Your doing fine Heather. When we said it would pass, we didn't give you a time frame. I love being with my kids, doing things for them & even helping them relize they have done something wrong & helping them learn from that mistake. On the other hand I love my alone time, my time for myself to get a project done, or watch a uninterupted movie. Like this weekend Matt & I are very excited to not have the kids (Grandkids weekend at my parents). Though we don't have plans, we will have a good time knowing that the kids are okay & having fun themselves without us. That is what makes getting them back after "Alone" time that much more special.

Creative Genius? said...

Nope - Avi is 8mo and I love him more and more each day! There are times when i really want him to wake up from a nap because I miss him!! Love him lots now because when they are teenagers I am sure they won't want anything to do with us!

Anonymous said...

I was a single mom with my first son and I was the SAME way. With my second I can let him go for a little bit. He's 22 months now and driving me INSANE. It's a first time mommy thing and a single mommy thing. You don't have to "get over it." If you haven't felt frustrated with him by the time he is 2 then you gotta problem. Then you are one of those mom's that thinks their child is perfect when every one else see's them as a brat.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Oh H - I hope you will never Never NEVER get over wanting to spend time with him. I cried just over a week ago because I had to return to Florida and leave my baby boy behind in Texas (Okay my baby boy is married - a police officer and doesn't need me anymore) but just because he doesn't NEED me doesn't mean I do not need HIM!

A mother's love is something GOOD not BAD! I love that you want to spend 24/7 with Zach, I think it is GREAT that you allow your mom & Jess to meet his needs also because he needs to Know that someone else besides Mommy can do things for him (even if they don't do things "mommy's way").

Part of it may be because of the emotional rollercoaster you have been on with Jake but I think it is because a little guy grew in your heart as he was growing in the womb!

I wouldn't worry about wanting to be with him 24/7 - well at least until he hits puberty then I would begin to worry a little - especially about your still feeding him or bathing him hehehehe. Love your SON and do not feel guilty about the strength of that love in the least little bit!