Thursday, January 10, 2008

Haunted

You know how sometimes you think you have left something behind you only to hear that song on the radio or smell that familiar smell and it is all right back there in your face? That has been my life lately.

It was about this time last year that the world started caving in around me. I started labor on January 8th. I was in L&D triage on the 8th, the 10th and the 12th. (To celebrate this momentous occasion my body has decided to greet this morning with cramps. I guess we all celebrate in our own way.)

What should have been one of the happiest moments of my life was instead clouded over by Jake's drug usage. He left me in the hospital the night Zack was born to go get high. He was gone most of the next day and showed up on Sunday long enough to take me home and then leave again.

It is hard for me to think of the joy of Zack's birth without also thinking about the other events that went on in my life at that time.

Right now it is tax season. I'm working long hours and driving home in the dark I sometimes get those old familiar feelings I had when I never knew what would greet me when I got home. For everything I know about, I'm sure there is a lot more that I don't.

Which I suppose brings me to my point. I was talking with a friend about when Jake does his 8th and 9th step which is making his list and making his amends. I have thought about it long and hard and come to the conclusion that I don't want to know.

Already I can not (Mother cover your eyes... on second thought skip down to the next paragraph. Really you will thank me later) be intimate with my husband without thinking about the girl in the hotel room. Every time we do something my mind races with did he do this with her, did he say that to her. It's maddening. I know he was high, I know he doesn't remember most of it, but it haunts me.

(Mom... you can start reading here again.....) In my opinion I am haunted enough by the things that I already know. Knowing more is only going to serve to hurt me further and make it harder to get past things.

Jake has made several steps towards making up for the lost time. He spends TONS of time with Zack (and me when I'm home... which is less and less right now). He is a WONDERFUL dad and a pretty great husband. (When he's not attempting to torture me with his noxious gases.....)

He is doing what he needs to do to show us that he is a better man and telling me things that I do not know is only going to make things worse. Not better. We both deserve better than that. We deserve to be able to move forward and stop dwelling on the past. I am trying really hard to get past all of the things I already know. I don't need anymore to dig through.

I just hope that some day, when it's dark outside, I will just think of driving home to the two people I love most instead of driving around looking for one of them in the dark.

6 comments:

Jessica said...

All of that WILL pass...It takes time and lots of effort. Try every day!
There are things you can do to de-sensitize yourself. Replace bad memories with good one. I am not saying it will be easy because it won't be but in the end it will be worth it!

Kbreints said...

I think that is a great idea Jess, You need to plan something wonderful to do in the dark- driving around.

As for the other problem. I am sorry-- that you had to go through it all -- however you ARE a better person because of it. And so is Jake.

I would not be able to get over what you are trying to hurdle- You are doing it with amazing grace and honesty.

Keep on keepin' on.

Anonymous said...

My psychology past screams 'go see a psychologist'! It doesn't even have to by a psychiatrist... just someone to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. As I read your blog only 1 other thing came to mind--

Sometimes its had to move on without knowing the full extent of what you're moving on FROM. What could be truly haunting you is the urge to find out what all did go on. Some of that Jake may not even be able to answer, but that could be your subconscious. I'm gonna be blunt, the woman in the hotel room. Wasn't she... paid? Or at least paid with drugs? I didn't go back to read but that's how my mind is remembering it. Obviously there was no love for this woman involved, but if your mind needs a reminder of that, ASK! BUT... the one thing you need to be really careful about is this... IT'S THE PAST! IF JAKE EVER TELLS YOU MORE ABOUT IT, HE HAS ALREADY SUFFERED, HE IS ALREADY PAYING FOR THIS, AND ALREDY OVERCOMING THIS! Do NOT criticize him or try to punish him (and no I don't mean don't stick him in the corner, but don't let your self conscience punish him by giving him a silent treatment or getting upset and leaving the room...) Sex is the most intimate thing a man and woman experience together. Not only physically, but mentally as well. Of course the love has to be there, but you also have to let your entire mind and body be there as well. If that means you and Jake have the dreaded 'so in that hotel room' conversation, that may be what is necessary. When you're driving home at night, does your mind flash to 'I remember that one specific night when I searched for 1 hour for him and called him 13 times...' or does it turn to 'I remember looking for him and never finding him... I wonder where he was that night...'

Ok I'm a rambling fool, but seriously Heather, those are questions only you can answer. If you don't face your demons, they could go away, but they could just haunt you further. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone, and I think a psychologist would probably be your best bet.

Anonymous said...

Okay – I have really been thinking about the post on your blog. Might I make a couple suggestions and a few comments for thought.

In the moment: What is the pay off you are getting for thinking of this while being intimate with your husband? If you don’t know, can’t find an answer, or insist there is not pay off … try turning some music on or the television. Obviously it’s not going to be meaning full mind blowing s#x for a while with Deal or No Deal blaring in the background but it will keep your mind from wandering to unknown places. Do this until you find yourself tuning the TV out more and more and focusing on him. Another VERY important thing is for Jake to show you affection every day, out side of the bedroom, and NOT expect something in return. THAT IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT!!

What was said above is right….replace bad night driving memories with good ones. Christmas would have been perfect for this because you could have driven around and looked at Christmas lights etc. But you can still do it. Replace that horrible memory of that hotel with a good one. I didn’t say it was easy and it may hurt like hell but every time you do this it will get better … trust me! What would happen if you walked into a hotel room filled with rose petals and massage oil, not knowing where you were only to find out the next day it was that hotel? I don’t know that I am recommending that but it is just a hotel and she was just a girl … yes Heather that is ALL she was … a girl. There were no feelings, there was no meaning, if you are going to forgive him and move on you need to forgive all of him and move on whole heartedly.

Honestly I think you want all the reward of moving on without putting forth 100% of the effort; rolling up your sleeves and getting down and dirty. All the time!! Not just when it is easy for you or easy for him. Kind of like wanting a clean house but not wanting to clean it yourself – things we are all guilty of. The difference is some of us do it because we know it needs to be done, do we like it absolutely not but we do it anyways.

Good luck…I think you have come leaps and bounds!

Becky said...

It's so hard recovering from the aftermath of someone's addictions. I can barely look at the pictures of my own wedding without seething with anger at my mother, who had showed up bombed beyond belief.

You're doing a great job with working through this stuff. It's hard and I know it.

My Reality said...

In time, some of these feelings will fade. You will never forget, but hopefully they will no longer haunt you.