Sense of Loss

As you all know, my wonderful little boy turned one year old this weekend. (I'm not bias he really is the cutest, sweetest little boy in the whole wide world!! :-)

Anyhow, he turned one on Saturday and on Sunday we had the biggest party imaginable for a one year old!! There were friends and family and cake smashing (by Zack of course) and present opening.

But for all the fun that we had, there was one thing missing. Zack's PaPa. Right now my son is too young to understand this loss and so I am feeling it for him. Perhaps more than I should considering that Keith is my father-in-law but I have known him for so long that he feels very much like another father to me too.

I was exchanging e-mails with a good friend of mine about this today and I was telling her how at a loss for words I was about it. There are so many things that I wanted to say but I just didn't have the right words to fully express them. Right now there is an ache in my chest and my eyes are welling up with tears just thinking about my son, in five years, looking at me and saying, "Why doesn't Papa love me enough to come to my birthday party?" This is the hurt I feel for him.

So, instead, while I promised Keith I would keep his family off of this website I am breaking that promise because of the events of this weekend. However, since I am still not able to put into words what I'm feeling I am going to pull some things from several e-mails Jess has written to me.

There has been some family tension for a little while and she wanted me to post something awhile ago but I wouldn't. I feel now is an appropriate time. Neither she, nor I, are trying to personally attack anyone so please, keep any and all comments positive or they will be pulled down.

I fully realize that this “family” issue does not concern me directly however everyone has chosen to publicly dispute it allowing me and anyone else to state my/their opinions. This is in fact my opinion, if you don’t want to hear it, if there is a chance it will make you mad or hurt your feelings, if it’s possible you will feel left wanting to say mean things than please quit reading. I will state first and foremost that is not my intention on any part; it’s obvious that is the last thing you need right now.

Shortly before Shane and I were married we met Keith and Julie. They came to us in exactly the right time of our lives. For me they made a dream come true and reintroduced me to my imagination.

It was my childhood dream to have a horse, because of money and space I was never able to get one. It wasn’t because my parents didn’t try, they did; even buying me horse lessons every other Saturday – I think that is when I began counting days and weeks. It brought much joy to my life but was not the same as walking out my back door to my best friend and confidant as I have heard many horse owners say - an undying trust flowing both ways.

It is now several years later, Shane and I have been married five short years and Keith and Julie are no longer married. While both still play roles in our lives that role is different and more vivid in the past; if that makes sense. The relationship has traveled down many windy roads where I eventually found myself two great girl-friends. One whom I talk to everyday and one who tells me she loves me every time we get off the phone or conclude an email as if she has known me my whole life.

As many divorced people do: they date, remarry, their lives move on while their children find themselves standing still trying so desperately to catch up to the happy place their parents while no longer together have found. This is their story….Julie has moved on. Keith is remarried to his new wife and her four daughters (aka: “the girls” – I will get a gold medal when I can finally get their names all straight) and three granddaughters; welcoming them open armed into his house and life. That is what you do when you marry someone with children…you marry their children too – even if they are grown.

It’s my opinion as a bystander the one’s who have picked up the tab for this huge and significant change has been the biological children: Jake and Molly. Their parent’s suffered a less than amicable divorce, mother goes one way, and father goes another – adopting four new children who call him “dad”. Meanwhile Jake and Molly are stuck in a time warp locking them back to wrapping their arms and hearts around the divorce. A huge task in itself. At first everything was fine and a lot of feelings and hurt where submerged to spare their parents more pain. Now it is all catching up and boiling over. Jake feels like he has lost the father son bonding and Molly feels like she has lost her daddy. Naturally one might blame the new family whether they are to blame or not. In the midst of all this they have pointed fingers; name called, and blamed each other on blogs and my space pages.

I say enough is enough…I know it hurts. In a crazy sense it hurt me too. I know Keith says we are always welcome but it is different and unfortunately we don’t know Keith and Karen as well as we did Keith and Julie. It’s all just different….change….(sigh)

Without further ado - here is my message….

It seems to me as an outsider knowing all involved and having read all blogs, posts, and My Space pages; that you all want the same thing – For Keith to be happy.

Let me start with “the girls”: I think it is great that you have found a “father” in Keith and that you finally get to see your mother happy again after what probably seems like an eternity. In all your new found happiness it may help all involved to fully put yourself in Molly and Jakes shoes. I think calling Keith “dad” is a decision between you and Keith; however if you know it makes Molly uncomfortable that should be taken into consideration. Did anyone ask her how she would feel about it prior to assuming all would be fine with it? I am not saying you need her permission but the thought of compassion and consideration goes a long way. I can’t speak for Molls but I would think that had someone explained all this to her prior to this time she would have been flattered and open to the thought of gaining sisters and sharing her daddy. Spending several paragraphs telling her that Keith is your dad and you will call him that despite her feelings probably isn’t helping anyone and is only furthermore rubbing salt in open wounds. I don’t know if there is a solution to this where both parties “win”. I don’t think you need Molly or Jake’s permission to call Keith dad but wouldn’t it be nice?! I know if I were Molly it would be a nice gift for me to give; maybe she just wanted that chance!?

Onto Molly – You know I love you Molls; and your family. I will tell you what I told Heather – Keith and Julie were there for Shane and me at a time in our lives when we needed someone like them. They filled a gap and conquered a dream for me and for that I will forever be grateful. I love them both like parents. Can I call them mommy and daddy too? J Just a joke – breaking the tension! Moving right along….I often tell Heather when her and Jake get in a fight or she is frustrated with something – find the issue you really have and then fight for that. You all seem to be fighting about topics that make the real issue at hand worse. Again I am not trying to speak for you Molls but from where I am sitting it seems the issue is your dad, not Karen and not the girls. They may be a topic that worsens the issue. It is easier to be mad at them and blame them than it is your dad. Really though (and you don’t need to respond if you don’t want to) aren’t you mad that your dad doesn’t make time for you when you are home? That you don’t get to spend time alone with him while you are home? (Which the girls could help with I am sure) That he won’t return your calls and doesn’t make you feel like your feelings and thoughts are legitimate? Maybe if Karen knew how you felt she could help with this….I don’t know what the answer is Molly but keep trying. Keep calling, keep asking him to do things (maybe you have to specify just the two of you or just the three/four of you) don’t give up just yet. However make sure that in doing so you are not singling out or avoiding spending time with Karen and or the girls as they are a part of your dad’s life now. It is probably just as hard for them to change their ways of doing things when you come home and trying to accommodate you too, you may not see that or know it but I am sure at some level it is. Equal understanding would go a long way. I sympathize with you and I don’t envy the situation you are in one bit. I think they took a lot of things from you by not talking to you first and assuming it would not affect anyone: your bedroom, your house, your belongings and memories in a box, your dad etc. But now is the time when you decide to either be the bigger person, forgive them (even though they may not have know what they did – I truly believe when people know better they do better) and move past it or hold a grudge forever that could sadly hinder your relationship with your dad…and Molly he is YOUR daddy and always will be. He has enough love in his heart to go around. The only piece of constructive criticism I have for you is don’t let your feelings bottle up like you have. That is not fair to you or them. Maybe if you had told them all along the outcome would be different, you may never know, but you can change it for the future.

Hang in there Hon! Have pride knowing he is your dad and you are his baby girl. Find flattery in knowing the girls want what you have always had and compassion and understanding for what they have lost – a loss far greater. It could be a win, win situation for everyone involved. Remember – I am only a phone call away!!

And finally you Heather….

You are probably the best part I have found and taken from Keith and Julie. I only wish I had you in my life many years ago because there is no one I could imagine more than you standing by me as I marry my best friend. Just to think at first….well we won’t go there again! J

I know this has hurt you and Jake too. You have a beautiful son and through him the pain of this change has resurfaced. Yesterday - What a beautiful first birthday party for a handsome little man. I saw and know the pain you endured by not having his grandfather their. Count your blessing’s for those who made the effort and consider the rest to be the one’s who lost out. There are many of parents who would trade the shoes of a grandparent for even one day, one party, no matter what the past…mine being the first. Know that his grandmother and other grandparents can love him enough to make it up. You didn’t do this, you are not to blame, you and Jake can only do so much to assure love and memories for your son.

I will leave this for you Heather to do with it what you will. Post it on your blog or read it and discard it.

Love-

Jess

Thank you Jessica for always saying the right thing when I need to hear it. Thank you Molly for being another little sister to me and a WONDERFUL aunt to my son. Thank you Karen, Heidi, Niki, Tammy, Christy for accepting me and my family into your hearts as if we had been there all along.

I hope that somehow, some day all of this can be water under the bridge and Zack won't have to wonder why everyone can't all just get along because he will be able to look out into the audience during his school concert and see four grandparents and six aunts (Yes... Lindsay and Molly... you're coming back for this...) and all the uncles and cousins that love him and are cheering him on!!