Children... the gift that just keeps on giving....

First of all let me give you a quick update on the housework situation. For three days now Jake has cleaned off the counters and done the dishes. True to his word every day before he leaves for work the dishwasher is unloaded, loaded and the counters are clear. It's been very nice!!

He has also waited for us to get home every night before eating and eaten with us instead of before us. On Wednesday night he shared his garlic chicken with Zack which Zack just LOVED!! Anything pasta that boy is all over it!! Of course I got him out of his crib yesterday morning and all I could smell was Garlic Chicken. We tried brushing his teeth, or his gums, but I could still smell it. Apparently that stays with babies a little longer than adults. Good to know.

Ok... now on to the real point of this post. It is at this point that my mom and anyone else in my family or friend base that has no desire to have visual images burned into their brain regarding my bo*bs or any other parts of my female anatomy may want to just switch their computers off.

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I'm waiting....
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No really... I'm not kidding about this!
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Ok.. don't say I didn't warn you.

So, 18 months ago Jake and I...
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Alright... I kid. I'm not going to go into THAT much detail. (Close, but not quite that much)

Ok, let's start at the beginning. Two years and two months ago it started with a dream. I would go off birth control and boyola we would get pregnant and I would skip around the house and sing merry little songs and everything would be wonderful and happy and then this beautiful baby would arrive.

And then reality happened. First it was the lack of ovulation, then it was the poking and the prodding and the blood checks and the temperature taking and the planned s*x and the lack of anything romantic aside from oh I think it's the right time how many times can we do this in the next 5 days?

Then FINALLY (And I say finally in terms of finally for me. I know for some people this process is MUCH, MUCH longer) there were those two lines on that pregnancy test and I thought YIPPIE, now the fun begins.

And then came the nausea, and the puking, and the wonderfully fun medicine that you "can't take orally dear."

Oh wait... I think my mom just fell out of her chair with embarrassment. She' can't believe I just said that on the Internet. Are you ok... there mom? Can we continue?? Look... I told you to turn off the computer.

Moving on, then there was the waddling and the pressure because some one's son decided to sit with his head IN the birth canal for 3 months. Oh and then there were the contractions, and the terbutaline.

Then there were the OTHER contractions and the visit to triage, and the morphine, and the hmmm that might have been a BIT too much morphine, and then the other contractions and the visit to triage and then the day spend wishing I was in triage and then some more contractions and oh yeah... then that wonderful doctor who broke my water.

Followed quickly by lots of screaming and panting and really... I CAN'T do this!! Then after about 6 hours it was all over and Zack was here and I thought to myself FINALLY... it's all over and I can have my body back.
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Ok... really, who was I kidding? I have been trying for nine months now to get said body back and it just is not working.

After I had Zack, obviously, there was a lot of bleeding. Then that sort of stopped and never started again. I was told it was because I was breastfeeding and when I stopped or as I slowed down it would return. So should I set a clock by this because I'm still just sort of sitting around tapping my foot waiting on this one?

But what has returned to take it's place is the acne. My face looks like a teenager. Every day I wake up and just dread looking in the mirror because I can never be too sure of just WHAT will be looking back at me. Does this go away? At some point will my hormones actually level off or should I just take stock in Pr*active and just sit back and enjoy the ride?

Also, what the hell is up with my bladder? At some point am I actually going to be able to sneeze without grabbing my crotch or should I just take stock in Depends now? The doctor told me to do my kegal exercises. Perhaps that is my problem. Historically anything with the word exercise in the title has not kept my attention for more than a day or so.

The only time I remember to do them is after I've just wet myself and am changing my underware, or in an extreme case my pants. Then I think to myself... hmm.. maybe I should do my kegal exercises.

It's sort of like after you finish off an entire carton of ice cream and then get on the scale, realize you've gained five pounds and think to yourself... hmm.. perhaps I should do some sit ups. Doesn't do you a damn bit of good to only work on something after you have something bad happen.

And finally there's the leaking. I'm not talking about down there, I'm discussing up here. Look, I stopped breast feeding. Actually, I stopped pumping. My son hasn't nursed since he was about 5 months old. I just got up one day last week, looked at the pump and thought, "You know, I don't want to do this anymore." And that was it.

I had already scaled back to twice a day and then once a day so I didn't figure stopping all together would be that big of a deal. 48 hours later I was thinking perhaps I was wrong. So I pumped for 5 minutes to relieve the pressure. Then a week went by and nothing. No problems.

Then all of a sudden Wednesday after a week of no pumping and no pain I start to hurt again. WTF is up with that? All day yesterday I'm leaking and hurting until finally I lay down last night and decide I can't stand it anymore. I got the pump back out and pumped for two minutes just to relieve the pressure.

So for those of you who have done this before... exactly when does this fun roller coaster stop? Am I going to go another week or two and then need to pump again? Can I finally put the thing away or will I be sorry the minute I do?

Honestly, every time I turn around I find something else that reminds me that really, hey.. in case you forgot, you had a baby nine months ago and your life will NEVER be the same!! Does this end? At some point will I actually regain my body or should I just pad every orifice of my lower body and just move on with my day??