Helpless

Sometimes, without even knowing it, children can be very insightful. This weekend I took Zack to see Inny (this is what he has called my sister since he was very little). Zack knows that Inny has an owie on her belly and that's why she is in the hospital. While we were there he said to me:

"Inny has an owie on her belly... but I can't see it."

This is very much how I feel about my sister's recovery right now. Somewhere, Lindsay has an owie. I can't see it but it is still there. Still just as real as the one running up her stomach or the three on her arm.

Lindsay has been struggling for the past week. Trying so hard to fight against the depression and the anxiety that one feels when trying so hard to get better and yet continuing to feel pain. She wants to see improvements and while we can look back and see how far she has come, for her there is still just pain and daily struggle.

There's a part of me that wants to jump in there and tell her to get over it. Be grateful to be alive and be so thankful that God is not finished with her yet.

Then there is the other part of me that knows that doing that is not going to help her. I too have spent time in my own personal hell and no amount of screaming from the outside can get through to you until you are ready to fight for your life.

As I was waiting for the elevator after visiting her at noon I heard a woman on the phone. She was talking about God's plan. "I have my schedule in my head of how this should go and how I want it to go but in the end only God knows how it will go." A lot of times I think I loose sight of that. I am not in control.

As much as I want to get in there and fix her, make her walk, make her eat I can't. She has to do that for herself, in her own time and in God's own time. He saw fit to let her live through this and has brought her this far, he will bring her through it and my only job at this point is to support her.

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And run clear across town for Chicken Noodle Soup when she needs it.

Swimming with Zack

You may remember that a few weeks ago I put up a picture of Zack at swimming lessons. That face that he's making... he smiles that big from the moment I lower him into the pool at 6:30 until I take him out of the pool at 7:00. He LOVES to swim.

However, being 2 1/2 he is also fearless about the water. Let me set the stage for you. Swimming lesson #1 occurred right after his toddler class so he was pretty worn out. I thought all would be well. He listened to the teacher, he seemed to sit fairly still.

Swimming lesson #2 - June 22nd he started to bounce. Up and down up and down on the table they put in the water (so the kids can stand up). I'm sitting by the wall and I see him bounce... bounce.... gone. I jumped up really quick and rushed over to him as he was standing back up all smiles.

Let me ease your fears by saying that they all wear life jackets so I knew that even if he fell off of the table he would float... it would just be a matter of fishing him out. (This will be important to the story later.)

He, of course was unphased by the falling incident and didn't understand in the slightest why Mommy looked like she was going to have a heart attack.

Moving on... Swimming lesson #3 - June 24th. They are swimming out into the water to retrieve rubber ducks. The teacher would give them one, they would throw it and then she would help them to swim out and get it.

Zack has his turn. She turns to help another child and he is just standing there innocently on the edge of the table. Next thing I know he throws his duck and jumps.

He sinks like a rock.

Luckily the teacher is right there and as she turns around he is coming back to the surface and she grabs him and puts him back on the table.

Are you seeing a pattern here? It is at this point that I turn to one of the other parents and say, before all of this is over, I think I might be getting wet.

The second week of swimming lessons he did much better. He was listening and mostly following directions and above all... keeping his head above the water when the teacher was not around. Then the 4th of July happened and he had a week off from swimming lessons.

Cue last night.

I'm sitting by the wall and Zack is standing on the table. They had been practicing their swimming and he thought he would get in a little extra practice. He was doggie paddling along and the teacher was way out in the pool with another little girl.

He's swimming, he's smiling, he's swimming... he's gone.

AWW CRAP!!

I jump up along with two other Dad's (who complimented me on my quick reaction time...) and as I get to the edge of the pool I see him bobbing there. He's not really panicking, sort of just doggie paddling giving me this look like I'm kind of stuck can you help me out here?

So I lean down and fish him out. This time, just my pants are wet.... next time.... perhaps I should just wear my bathing suit!! :-)

So Close Yet So Far

8:17 pm

As I watched the clock click over to those magic numbers this evening my breath sort of caught in my chest. One week ago today at 8:17 pm my phone rang and my life as I know it changed. One week ago my baby sister, the one who I vowed to hate for ever but really will always love for all eternity almost died.

Even now, saying that out loud sounds unreal. Almost died? Really? Was she that close?

Yes... yes she really was.

Today has been a rough day for her. She wants things to move more quickly. She wants to be up and moving and walking and recovering because she hasn't looked back yet to see just how far she has come.

For me, as I was telling one of my co-workers today, she is a medical miracle. I want to run into her room and tell her, don't you know you are alive!! You lived and that, in and of it's self is something we didn't know if would happen last week.

But I can't. I have to understand that she is grieving too. She has lost a lot and endured a lot and for her, it all just started yesterday. We have had a week, she has had two days.

Yet still, I hope she can feel it. My love for her. Every one's love for her. We all know how far she has come. We measure her progress by the strides she has made, not by the ones she has left.

The past is gone, the future is uncertain but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.

Hold on to your good times Lindsay. You were given the present of today. You will get through this!!

Waiting and Wondering

Today is my first day back at work. It is not going well. For 6 days my butt has been camped outside of her room or in her room. I was there for the doctor visits the nurse visits the updates if I wasn't in the room. I was in the loop. And God forbid there was a problem, I was there for that too.

Now, I'm here. My work is only 5 minutes from the hospital. I could be there if she needed me, but the fact of the matter is she probably doesn't. She was moved to a regular room yesterday. Her husband and one of my parents have been with her round the clock and will continue to be with her.

I'm just the sister. Yet I can't help feeling a bit lost today. I keep wanting to check the blog and then it dawns on me. I write the blog. There will be nothing new up there until I sit her down and teach her how to write on it herself and that will probably not be for another week or so. Preferably when she's on a bit less morphine. Although the state she was in when I saw her this morning might make for some interesting blogging!! :-)

So for now, I just have to trust that she is in good hands. I will go and check on her at lunch time and again tonight but at the end of the day, my baby sister isn't such a baby after all. She's been pretty tough through all of this. Probably stronger than I ever would have been and she's a fighter. I'm sure she will cross any hurdles that come up, even if I'm not there to stand behind her in case she falls.

If you want to keep following along her blog is:

www.butchsfight.com

This is Not My Life

It is 2:30 am and I am standing outside the door of the emergency room staring into a fountain. The running water is oddly soothing and all I can think is maybe if I stare hard enough a portal will open up and I can go back in time. Back just 7 hours, back to when my life was normal.



Last night my sister was in a horrible accident. She was pinned between a semi and a loading dock. The details of how she got there are pretty sketchy. We don't know if she fell, if she didn't see the semi, if he didn't see her.....



What we do know is she was injured. Badly. My sister... my baby sister.... who to me still seems so young, who was, in my mind, never old enough to have a baby. Who just Eight Months ago gave birth to my nephew and almost died in the process.

My baby sister is hurt. And there is nothing I can do to make it better. I have started a blog for those who are interested in following her recovery.

www.butchsfight.blogspot.com

If you pray... please do so now.

If you don't... please start.

Fantastic New Website!!

Ok... I read a blog and the writer of that blog has teamed up with another blog writer and they have created quite possibly the funniest pregnancy/motherhood website I have ever been to in my life.

Let's Panic About Babies

I'm telling you now if you go there and you do not find at least one thing that makes you laugh... you are dead inside. One of my favorites thus far:

"It will come out of you, and then you will have to take care of it"

So what are you still doing here... go... go and laugh....

Friday Confessionals

Zack still sleeps in a crib. Granted I took the crib tent off and I lowered the front railing so it only comes up to his waist... but it's still a crib. And if I had my way he would be in that crib forever.

It's not because I'm afraid he'll come in with me, we co-slept for about 3 months when he was really little and then he went back to his bed. He likes his space and I like my space.

No, it's more about keeping him in his bed so he will actually GO to sleep. He is a talker, singer, bouncer at night and during nap times. He can be yawning and rubbing his eyes but he will still sit up there and talk to himself for a good 20 - 30 minutes.

Now imagine if you will, if he could get out of his bed at that time. He would never go to sleep!! :-)

So, for now a crib it is. Do you think his friends will tease him when he has sleep overs??

Sometimes We All Need A Reminder....

More Beautiful You

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

- Jonny Diaz

WW: My Fish

Deep Thoughts

All last week on my way to work I noticed a black dress shoe on the side of the road from my house. All week I wondered to myself how exactly does one loose one shoe on the side of the road.

Then on Friday it was gone and a little ways further down the road had been replaced by a white tennis shoe.

Really?

These are the things I think about on my way to work. Why is that shoe there? How do you loose a single shoe? Wouldn't you notice it was missing and go back to try to find it? Is there a shoe lost and found somewhere for shoes found along the road?

What are your deep thoughts on this Monday?

Friday Confessionals

A month ago I told my life story at an Al-anon meeting. You can read it over there (e-mail me if you have no idea what I'm talking about)... or at least part of it. I'm working on getting the rest of it up.

I have never felt more happy or more free in my life than I have in the last month. It's like a weight was lifted from me and I gave myself permission to let go of all of that stuff that was haunting me.

I have laughed more and had more fun in the last month than I think I have in the last 10 years.

Life is not perfect but it's pretty darn good!! :-)

My Son: The Fish

Last night I took Zack to his first swimming lesson. Well, technically it was his second swimming lesson but I had a concert on Monday night and totally spaced off on arranging for someone to take him to his first swimming lesson so check that one in the box for bad mommy. :-)

Anyhow, when I called about swimming lessons a couple of months ago they told me he would probably be in Level 1, so imagine my disappointment when I went to sign him up last month and was told that he was not yet 3 and so therefore would have to be in the toddler class unless I got permission from the director.

Lacking the ambition to attempt to track down the director and get permission for my kid, who switches back and forth between jumping in without a care in the world and clinging to me as if his life is ending, I just decided to suck it up and leave him in the toddler class. The class which requires the parents to get into the water with their kids. (Insert LONG... painful sigh right here....)

So, yesterday we arrived at class and I waited until the last possible minute before changing the both of us and heading into the water with him. I could tell right away that his comfort in the water was well above the other little ones and that this was going to be a REALLY long 6 weeks if I had to stay in this class.

It was basically free swim, parents and kids with the teachers coming around once and awhile and suggesting things you should work on with the kid to get them comfortable in the water. Luckily, it was pretty apparent to one of the teachers that Zack was already comfortable in the water and so she asked me if I thought he would get in the water without me. Absolutely.

And so, that is the story of how my 2 1/2 year old graduated from the toddler class to level one with the 3 and 4 year olds on his very first day. The Level 1 class was from 6:30 - 7:00 so he actually had two lessons last night and spent a full hour in the pool. (He slept VERY well last night)

But... the best part of all.... I don't have to get into the water for his Level 1 class!! Can I get a resounding Woo Hoo!! :-)

WW: Why I Pay Bills On-Line

(If you can't read the letter, click on it to make it bigger..)

Bullet Point Monday

A friend of mine has been doing this on her blog and since short thoughts are all I'm capable of right now I'm going to try it here in an effort to at least get SOMETHING on my blog...

• Thursday Danette and I went to see Eric Hutchinson
• It was AWESOME...
• I could go to a concert like that every day and die a happy person
• I forgot how much I love music
• Friday night I met some friends at Prairie Meadows after my meeting
• I was only there for like an hour and a half but it was nice to be in good company and have good laughs although really girls... I'm kind of wondering how you would treat me if you WEREN'T my friend.... :-)
• Friday night Zack was up until 9:00 at my parent's house
• Saturday he got my BIL and my sister up at 6:00 with a lovely rendition of the ABC's
• I arrived at 9:30 to watch my nephew so they could go furniture shopping for a couple hours
• They left at 10:15
• They got back at 4:00
• A couple hours my ASS!!
• After they got back Zack decided to play in the dirt
• And then the water
• There was not a spot of exposed skin that was clean
• I stripped him in their entry way and threw him in the shower at my parents house with explicit instructions... DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!
• Jess and Shane then met us and we went for dinner
• Zack didn't get to bed until 10:00 on Saturday night
• Sunday morning I was awakened by my cell phone at 9:45 in the morning
• Zack was still asleep
• He finally got out of bed at 10:15
• It was heavenly but I got NOTHING done
• We had a family reunion so we left the house about 10:30
• We got back home at 5:00 last night
• Zack fell asleep so I let him take a little nap while I mowed the lawn
• I got the mower stuck in the front ditch on my first pass
• It sucked and I almost cried
• Luckily my neighbor came and helped me
• I was done by 6:30 and then I proceeded to try to do everything that I needed to do this weekend in a span of 3 hours
• I switched all of Zack's clothes from 2T to 3T
• I did three loads of laundry
• Then I collapsed into bed
• I got up at 5:30 with grand ambitions of finishing the rest
• I got a lot of things up into the attic
• But I also was spectacularly late this morning
• I considered just working until noon, going home and going back to bed and starting my day over about 4:00
• I stayed here instead

So, all of that excitement into one bullet pointed post... at least you got the highlights :-)

The Sky Is Falling

Morning Conversations:

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I want cold pizza

We are not having cold pizza for breakfast. You are going to have cereal and toast at daycare.

I want cold pizza.....

No, let's go upstairs and get dressed.

I WANT COLD PIZZA.... (tears have come.....)

One, Two......

****************

Why you eat all the Cheetos?

Because Mommy just ate them. It's ok, we don't need them now, we can get more tonight.

I WANT CHEETOS.... (tears again....)....

AHHHH!!! CHEETOS..... AHHHH!!!!

(Literally 5 minutes of me dressing him while he cries and screams about Cheetos....)

*********************

Alright, let's get your coat on it's time to go.

I want a banana.

No, you are eating at daycare.

I WANT A BANANA....(more tears....)

********************

Believe me when I tell you I did not shed any tears when I dropped him off this morning!! :-)

Emergency Situation

Mommy!! Ahhh!! Ahhh!! Sooss offf!! Sooosss Off!! Ahhhh!!!

Zackary Alan WHAT are you screaming about??

You need to take my socks off mommy!

That's it? That is what you were screaming about? Was that really worth screaming about?

Yeah!
***********
I can feel the gray hairs already!!

Blog Award

Hey... I got an award...

Lindsay over at Living Life Backwards bestowed this upon me... isn't it lovely??

I think someone might have given me one before but I'm bad... I mean REALLY bad about getting these things up... mostly because I don't ever know who to name as passing the award on to. So... here are the rules....

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

And here is me breaking the rules....

I'm going to update my blog links this weekend. If you are over there.... then I read you and in my book... YOU are a lovely blogger so feel free to consider that my notice that you have also been given this award!!

Have a lovely weekend everyone!!

I can't make this stuff up

Two or three months ago the transmission went out on my car. Yeah... the car I just bought last Summer. It was under warranty so they fixed it and four days later.... (yeah... four days, no car) I got my car back.

While it was there I mentioned to them that I needed some coolant because my car seemed to be low on coolant. I ended up buying some from them and then proceeded to have to refill my coolant every 2 weeks, all the while thinking this is probably not normal, I should probably call them and get it back in..... but I didn't.... I just went about my day.....

Until Tuesday. On Tuesday I drove my car out of the driveway and headed for daycare and all of the sudden the check engine light came on... and then the automatic throttle light came on and then I freaked out a bit imagining myself as one of those people who's throttle sticks down and they are going 100 on the interstate with no way to stop their speeding car.

So, as soon as I dropped Zack off I got out the owner's manual and read exactly what that light meant. Feeling fairly confident that I would not, in fact be careening to my death while driving I headed straight for the dealership.

When I got out of the car he asked me what the issue was. Well... the check engine light is on, oh and the automatic throttle light was on, and it needs and oil change and oh yeah... it has been leaking coolant from somewhere for the last couple of months. (Thinking one had nothing to do with the other.)

I was wrong. My radiator had a hole in it. The check engine light came on because the coolant got too low. The automatic throttle light... possibly just a fluke. And then... once again... I was without a car. (Luckily only for one day)

Why does this stuff happen to me? (Jess you are not allowed to make comments about what kind of car or where I bought the car. I already realize the error of my ways... I can't change it now!! :-)

First Movie

On Sunday I took Zack to see his very first movie in the theater. I have been wanting to take him for awhile but there has been a serious lack of cartoon type movies in the theaters lately. So when I saw last week that Disney was releasing a new one I decided we would go.

Little did I know, they were releasing it in 3-D. ONLY 3-D. Now how in the world was I going to get my 2 year old to sit through an entire movie wearing 3-D glasses?

Unfortunately, by the time I realized it was in 3-D I had already asked him if he wanted to go and told him we would go on the weekend. I don't know what other two year olds are like but mine has the mind of an Elephant. This kid does not forget ANYTHING!!

On Saturday when I picked him up from my parent's house he asked if we were going to the big movie and then proceeded to cry when I told him not today. So, I lied... through my teeth and told him it was broken. Yup... definitely broken BUT... by tomorrow it would be fixed.

He seemed ok with that but first thing Sunday reminded me again that the movie wasn't broken any more. So I spent Sunday morning telling him he had to sit through the whole thing and wear glasses, like his sun glasses.

I had planned to take him to the 2:20 movie but when I went upstairs to wake him at 1:45 he told me he wanted to go later. Lo and behold... 2:35... Mommy I waked up!! I want to go to the big movie now!!

So I ended up taking him to the 4:15 show. He did AWESOME!! He sat in his own seat the whole time with his GIANT bug eyed glasses on.

He even entertained the theater with a few, "Wow... that was scary's", My kid... the comedian.

As soon as it was over, his first comment was I wanna watch it again. So I guess the next kids movie, I know where we will be.

WW: Best Friends