This month has been a complete roller coaster of emotions. If you look at my chart my moods have pretty much followed my BBT's. (For those of you who are not familiar here's a site that might explain what I'm talking about.) For most of the first 25 days it was an up and down ride. One minute I would be optimistic and then the next I would be really depressed. Then on day 25 this happened...
Yes folks, it appears that I ovulated, all on my own. Maybe my ovaries didn't get the message that they were supposed to be doing this a week or so earlier. So, needless to say, when my temperature went up, so did my mood. I spent the next two weeks hoping against hope that maybe this would me "my month." Today that hope ended...
For those of you who have never been through this, let me just share a little bit about what this first month has taught me.
No matter how much you beg, plead, swear to be a good person, promise to never do such and such again you can not make your ovaries ovulate, the egg fertilize or the fertilized embryo implant.
No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you are not pregnant, that the pain you just felt is a cramp, that you are tired from the medicine, that you are hungry from the medicine, in the back of your mind there is a small part of you that is continually reading the signs looking for something. There is a small part of you that hangs on to the hope that maybe this month will be the one.
And finally, no matter how much you tell yourself that you are prepared for this cycle not to work when you see that single line on the pregnancy test or that first smattering of blood your heart will inevitably fall from your chest into your stomach and there is nothing else that you can do but just sit in the bathroom and cry.
5 comments:
I totally understand. My heart goes out to you. Will and I haven't (for almost 5 years now) been able to conceive a child together. I think I have officially given up the belief that we will. Of course every month I do the same thing- look for those little signs and hope against hope that THIS is the month....
So sorry. I know how you feel, but I don't have the words to make you feel better. All I can say is, try to hang in there and I'll be thinking of you.
I wish I knew what to say. Just know that I'm thinking about you.
I am so sorry for your pain.. I am here for you.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. As difficult it is to experience the BFN time and time again, I think the first cycle can feel particularly painful because there's so much riding on it and you can't help but feel so excited and hopeful.
Please be good to yourself and know that so many women who've experienced your frustration and sadness have gone on to have happy and healthy pregnancies.
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