Monday, August 03, 2009

Thicker Skin

Here is what I find interesting, I come here every day and I post something and I get one or two comments. Most of you reading never say a thing. Which is cool, I read several blogs I don't comment on.

However, when one person gets nasty in the comments suddenly there are 5 or 6 people who jump in to say how awful I am. Seriously.... why do you read here if you hate me and what I write? No one forces you to come. If I read a blog and I continue to disagree with the author I don't read any more.

And if I do regularly enjoy the blog but just happen to find one thing that I don't like one day I don't get on and leave them an awful comment and tell them how "pathetic" they are. I just assume that maybe I read it wrong or maybe I just don't agree with them on something. I don't feel the need to attack them on a public forum. So, oh great hateful ones, do you feel better about yourselves because you said bad things about me?

Look, I realize that these things shouldn't bother me. I realize that writing here opens me up to people who do not understand who I am. People who only know me as a person inside the computer and not a real person. Well, rest assured, I am a real person and this blog is a part of me. Something that I don't just leave here. It is something that I think about and write in my head all day long.

I suppose if I have learned anything from Dooce it should be that everyone who has any sort of a following is going to have blog trolls. People whose sole purpose is to try to drag down the blogger. And in the end, perhaps I should just do what I wanted to do in the first place, delete the comments and move on. After all, that's what she does. Get thicker skin, don't let them bother me, move on.

But that's not me. I don't have 50,000 readers, I am lucky if on any given day I have 50. And I have this horrible desire to have each and every one of you like me. Which, at the end of the day, is a very unrealistic goal. So rather than just delete hateful people I try to figure out what I did, what I said, what I can do to make it better but what I have finally realized is that the answer to that is nothing.

When you come here and you read what I write you form your own opinion of me. Good, bad or otherwise. But the fact of the matter is that when I close the lid to my laptop I take this blog with me in my head but you all do not go with me in real life. I could stop writing tomorrow and my life would not end and you all would just find something else to do with the 2 minutes a day you spend here.

That is the reality I have to face. That is the part of the equation that I need to come to grips with. However, be that as it may one anonymous person did make one very valid point and that is that I am hiding. I took that comment down because it hurt me and I'm not in the mood right now to feel hurt. I reserve that right. But the point at the end about me hiding, that point was a valid and one I want to address here.

While it sucks, you're in the position of a double edged sword. One side cuts because you think have to hide yourself here so that nothing is used against you, the other side cuts because that means you're lying to everyone here... The friends and family you don't let see the other side.

I started the other blog because there were things that I thought would hurt my family and Jake's family to be posted here. I needed a place to process all that was going on and come to terms with my life as it was. I restricted who I gave access to in an effort to make that place safe for me but apparently one person (who does not like me very much or think very much of my writing) slipped through the cracks.

To that person, I'm sorry that you feel that way. Please loose the address to both of my blogs... problem solved.

For the rest of you, there are a lot of things that have happened in my life in the last four years that I have been posting here that I have not blogged about here. By their very nature they were ugly and angry and hurtful.

From today until Wednesday this blog will be a happy place. Butterflies and ponies damn it!! :-)~
On Thursday I will tell you all the truth. Just as with this blog, you can choose whether you read that post or not but it will be up here. I'm sure it will garner it's fair share of hate mail as well and I'm prepared for that.

The post that I am writing will not be everything that is on the other blog. That one will remain as my safe space and my place to process. It will, instead be one, LONG post about a lot of things that may, or may not give you a little bit of insight into who I am.

But for now, would it kill you all to just do a little happy dance for me? A horrible part of my life is ending. A relationship that made both people in it miserable is finishing and we will both be able to live separate, hopefully happy lives.

So yes, I do feel a party is in order for that and I wouldn't begrudge him the happiness of having one of his own, believe me when I tell you I wasn't always a peach to live with myself. :-)


Anonymous said...

This might seem like a redundant question and maybe I'm being naïve. I know the divorce is Wednesday and the party Wednesday night but why are you waiting until Thursday for this great blog post? Whatever it is you're clearing the air with, wouldn't you want to do it sooner than later?

Heather said...

The post is half way done. It is long and it requires me to edit it... a lot. I have to decide how much to tell here and how much to continue to keep over there.

Inevitably when you throw all of those things out here for the world to read there will be some people who are hurt. I would like to minimize collateral damage if at all possible although I realize that a little bit is inevitable.

All that is a really big, long way of telling you I'm not ready. I'm scared and I'm proof reading and I have set the jumping off date for Thursday.

Anonymous said...

Heather,,,,,,,dear sweet, incredibly caring to a fault, tolerant, loving Heather. You have earned the right, through worry, through sleepless nights, through Herculean efforts to save a man who held a huge part of your heart, through sleepless nights as what amounted to being a single parent,,,,,through so much more,,,,,,,to tell your story as you see fit. However much, however little. You have paid your dues, you have done the work. You have walked the walk and talked the talk. NOBODY, not family, not friends, not blog readers nor strangers can know what this has cost you collectively. Only you. This is your experience. This is yours. Anyone who is being critical of how much you share or on what timetable you're sharing it, needs to step back and possibly concentrate on their own lives, and accept what you are willing to share. Or leave you the hell alone. You owe nothing, to anyone. You are not lying. You have said you save incredibly difficult personal posts for your other site. You have NOT LIED!!!!!

Erin said...

Just wanted to send some bloggy hugs--even though I don't comment often, I hope you know I'm here and reading. Have courage for Thursday. You've been so courageous to be honest through this whole thing. Keep going, girl!

Creative Genius? said...

Hugs babe!! I don't have access to the other site but wanted to come on here (as I read every post thanks to Bloglines) and give you a piece of advice...

"F&*K 'em if they can't take it"

There... I said it! Screw whomever can't function with what you write... it's your life, it's your blog. If they don't like it tell them to take their business elsewhere!

I think you are amazing, and incredible, and wonderful! You are strong, beautiful and a great mama! So happy thoughts for you today and this entire week!

;-) Alison

Jill A said...

I sometimes wonder what's "over there," but I think the glimpses you give into your life here are incredibly personal. I decided the other day to try something similar, except on my private myspace page. I kicked a few people out of my circle of friends before I wrote the first post. I'm not sure the habit will form with me the way it has with you.

Regardless, the blog is your personal therapy, and it seems like you digest the anonymous criticism. Hence, the ever more therapeutic effect. It's your blog and you should leave which ever comments up that you wish. I noticed you deleted one of my comments. I'm not hurt. And don't you let other people hurt you either.

Oh, and there's no way everybody is going to like you, in cyberspace or real life. That's not a realistic goal. Just be the person you want to be; that's what you have control over.

Korin said...

Heather, I also don't have access to your other blog, but I am so glad that you're achieving this new freedom. No matter who's ''fault" a divorce is, both parties deserve happiness.
I look forward to reading your post, and supporting you as you move forward.
And i'm with Alison, fuck em. fuck em all in the ear.
xo xo xo

KK's Mom said...

Hi Heather! I hope you have a great time on Wednesday no matter what you do. You deserve to move on in your own way...if it's a party you want, a party you should have! Sorry I don't comment much - just never enough time. I hope your sister is doing well.

Have a great Wednesday!
- K's mom

LivingLifeBackwards said...

Have a party! I did! It was FABULOUS!! Nothing wrong with being excited about moving on with your life.. .and that's what needs to be done move on!

Anonymous said...

this to shall pass. you've lived your life a certain way for what nearly 20 years? now you're almost reinventing yourself to find who you truly are and i'll be honest- i enjoy this heather far better!

the email that I sent you a few weeks ago told you of a place you should look into attending. i firmly believe it will help you with your approval needs and some other hurts habits and hangups that are still looming in the dark ( we ALL have them- its just how we choose to battle them)

don't allow others to steal your thunder over the next week. hug your little man tonight and thank God you have him. Hug your friends tomorrow night and thank God for them. And take a good long look in the mirror and thank God for you (i know it may be cliche) but give it a try-- find 5 things you are thankful for everyday and write it down. then on days when you don't think there is anything: you'll have a whole list. You'll have your rough days-- that's when you rely on this blog to help you through-- not to write but to read about all the precious things you have encountered. enjoy!

Anonymous said...

I've only started reading your blog since I heard of Lindsay's accident...because I know her from medical school. I'm wondering if this person or these people that are leaving you nasty hateful comments could be someone or some people in direct relationship with what you are dealing with right now in your life (divorce). Maybe they are a bit messed up inside and are throwing irrational anger at you just to make themselves feel better. Maybe it's just their way of lashing out because they don't know how to deal with things. And maybe it honestly doesn't reflect on you. As hard as it is, I hope you can be confident with who you are and with your posts and not let this or these sick and hateful people get to you. You don't owe anyone any explanation. And what is so wrong with trying to eliminate the toxic situations in your life and instead using a place such as this blog to reflect on the things that are positive and that do bring you happiness. That is not lying. There are no rules to a blog or to your thoughts. This person or these people that are being negative toward you are missing the picture and I hope for your sake they will take a flying leap and leave you alone and find peace in their own lives. You hang in there and don't feel like you need to change who you are or what you write on your own blog. maybe I'm not "Beth" said...

When I said uneducated I meant uneducated about this situation in its entirety; not textbook uneducated.

My point was proven, even though that was not 100% my intention. Just like I shouldn’t; you shouldn’t attack someone you don’t know personally. Although Heather is very candid on this blog and that blog please realize that for everything you know, there is about 20 things you don’t.

Heather didn’t drink before because she couldn’t. It has taken her months to realize that she can if she chooses and that she can do so in control. When you are with someone that abuses something it turns your stomach thinking of doing it as well. For years alcohol (and drugs) was the center of her being; of course she isn’t going to join in.

AND….for the infamous divorce party…..What the readers don’t know again is that Jake and Heather have essentially been “divorced” for a while now. Even when they were together, they were separate and on different pages. The divorce is a formality now….all the pain and damage was done long prior to tomorrow.

Correct me if I am wrong Heather……

Lynanne said...

I'm delurking long enough to offer my support. This is YOUR space and you are entitled to YOUR feelings/opinions/thoughts. Don't let the trolls make you feel otherwise!

Doing my happy snoopy dance for you, btw!

Alan_Courtney said...

HAVE A PARTY! have a couple! I'm just sad I"ll be in maryland when it goes down! And you didn't nix strippers so YAY!

calliope said...

I have been pretty lame at comment leaving but wanted you to know that I think you are all kinds of wonderful and amazing.
for reals.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait until tomorrow...... I'm dying to know the rest.......

Anonymous said...

oops.......I mean Thursday! But actually I can't wait to hear about the CELEBRATION on Wednesday night too!

Aunt Becky said...

I hate trolls. They always seem to pop up whenever I post something meaningful or whatever. It's like, dude, sucks about your kid, but HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF COFFEE DRINKERS, YOU BITCH."

Although more poorly spelled and worded.


You'll rock the party, Heather. And the haters? Will always hate. Nothing to be done.