Well, Jake is back at Broadlawns. I know, didn't he just leave there? Well yes actually he did. So, let's go back a few days and start at the very beginning, a very good place to start... wait, wrong story...
Anyhow, Friday morning Jake's mom called him at MECCA to discuss his decision to go to the halfway house instead of going to the additional treatment program. At this point he had once again changed his mind and told her he would do whatever he had to to be with his family and so he was once again on track to go to the long-term program.
Then Friday night I got a call from him asking about the long-term program. He was pretty insistent so I asked him why the sudden change of heart and he told me he couldn't stay there anymore. They were kicking him out. They are what? How the hell do you get kicked out?
Apparently at the joke program it is pretty easy. A girl he transferred with got in a yelling match with another girl and they kicked her out. (Well she was a ward of the state like Jake so they transferred her since they couldn't kick her out but you get the point.) Apparently they have no interest in teaching you life skills at this place they are just interested in making you follow their rules or sending you somewhere else.
So anyhow, he tells me this story that I don't believe. There is no part of it that sounds real and so I instantly think he's making it up. He says that these girls accused him and his room mate of climbing out of their window in the middle of the night and knocking on the girls window. Why you ask? Who knows, he claims that he was asleep.
Instantly I think he got caught doing drugs or he ran away or something. Anything more logical than that. As soon as I hung up with him I called the main number and asked to speak with the director. They tried to give me the run around but I was pretty insistent (to the point that I would have gone down there and knocked on the door if they wouldn't have put him on the phone) so they let me talk to him.
I asked him what was going on and told him the cockamamie story that I had gotten from Jake and to my utter disbelief he tells me that what I heard is pretty much the truth except they are saying that Jake and the other guy were in the room not just knocking on the window.
Okay, so did he go in there to steal something? No.
Did he go in there to be with one of the girls? No. Misses Hamilton, I want to stress to you that there are NO allegations of anything inappropriate happening. The girls have not accused them of doing anything but standing in their room.
So you want me to believe that a 26 year old man who takes a medicine that puts him to sleep woke up in the middle of the night, climbed out of his bedroom window and climbed into another room just to stand there?
Through further conversation with the director I get the "real" story. No staff caught these men. It supposedly happened on Wednesday night but wasn't reported until Friday. Further more he gives me the impression that he doesn't even feel this is a true story. BUT because there are three girls and only two guys they have to error on the side of caution and Jake and this other guy have to leave.
So, I explain to him that Jake has no where to go and that he is court ordered to be there. He says that Jake can stay until Monday as long as he behaves himself, which he has no indication that he won't. He also stresses to me that Jake has maintained his innocence throughout the whole thing.
My take on what happened. Jake ran his mouth to some of these girls after the girl he got transferred in with got kicked out and he pissed them off. Since they knew how easy it was to get people in trouble they made up a story to get these two guys kicked out. No, I don't think he was just standing in some girls room. The director didn't think that and he's there, so I don't have any reason to believe that he was.
Now tell me he was there to steal money or cigarettes from them and then you have a believable story.
So, Jake behaved himself and was there all weekend. Monday morning I had not heard anything by noon so I called him. He told me that he knew nothing so I decided to go above his head and call the director back. This time no one squabbled with me, they just transferred me.
The director, this man is a class A idiot, this much I have learned in the last five days, knew nothing. Finally at about 2:00 his counselor called me back. He told me that he had faxed all of the paperwork to the long-term program to try to get Jake in but that the lady that does the processing was out sick. He also told me that he had called the clerk of court to find out what they needed to do but had not heard back and so if he didn't hear anything by the end of the day Jake would be discharged.
He would be what?? Oh no, no, no... this just won't do. So I got on the phone and started making calls. First I called the lawyer who represented us on the involuntary commitment. He didn't answer so I left a message. Then I called the clerk of court. There I got some answers. He told me that he had called MECCA back and told them that legally they could not just discharge Jake. They had to hold him until another court order could be issued transferring him somewhere else.
So, he basically told me that he was waiting on paperwork from them so that he could go before the judge and the judge could decide whether to send Jake back to Broadlawn's or to release him. I, rather insistently, told him that I would prefer Broadlawns. (Shh... Jake doesn't know that). Then I made plans for Jess to meet me at my parents house and I went home and drove Jake's jeep there. If he was coming home I was not leaving his jeep there for him to go through. I haven't had a chance to clean it out yet and I didn't need any temptations since he hasn't even really been through treatment yet.
Once she brought me back home I headed back to work for an hour. On my way back I got a call from the MECCA counselor. Apparently he had not gotten the paperwork to the clerk of court in time to have the judge look at it so Jake had to stay there until Tuesday. As I later found out this was because the director, see class A, #1 idiot above, told him he couldn't miss his group to work on the paperwork. He then told the counselor that he would finish it while he was in group. He didn't.
Moving on to Tuesday. By 10:30 I had heard nothing of the transfer order so I called the clerk of court. He returned my phone call at 11:00 and said that the order had been signed by the judge and that Jake was going to go back to Broadlawns. They were just waiting on transportation. So I call his counselor and leave him a message asking about the paperwork that he was supposed to get to the long-term place and also about Jake's transfer.
Then at 12:00 I call Jake. (They have specified phone hours) At this hour no one had told him that the transfer had been signed or that he was going back to Broadlawns. He was completely unaware that at any moment his ride could show up and he needed to have all of his things packed and be ready to go. Some communication system they have there!!
Finally at around 1:00 his counselor called me back to tell me that he had told Jake to get packed and that the director was frantically trying to arrange transportation because he wanted Jake out of there that day. (After all he was causing SOO many problems at this point what with minding his own business and reading in his room and napping and all).
However, as it turns out the transportation could not be arranged so Jake stayed in MECCA one more night. This morning he was transferred back to Broadlawns where he will sit until we can get all of the paperwork processed for the long term program.
And that... is an entirely different story. I have been working with this program since Monday. The woman who does the intakes is out sick. She has been out sick all week. I finally got another woman to help me who assured me that she would look at the paperwork and let me know if a bed was available by today but here it is 4:45 pm and I have not gotten a phone call. SO... it looks like one more day ticks off the clock.
One month, Five days and Jake STILL hasn't even started his treatment program. I realize that he is safe and he is clean but at some point I would really just like to get this show on the road.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
What color are your roots?
There is a lot going on with Jake right now, however, the brain power that it takes to process and then write about it, I do not have right now. So, instead I will discuss a topic much more light hearted and we will come back to Jake tomorrow.
I have a friend, Jess. You remember Jess: the baby shaking, blog taking over Jess. Speaking of which the massage and lunch on Saturday was FABULOUS!!
Now, my friend Jess, I'm not sure if her roots are truly blond or not but if ever there was a woman who fit the stereotypes it would be her. (Don't worry... she's been warned I'm making fun with full permission).
Since Jake has been gone her and her husband have been really great with helping me around the house. Our most recent project has been a large bonfire that we have been gathering items for but have yet to be able to light because of weather.
Last week I called her to ask her if Shane was good with a chain saw because I have some dead trees that I would like to add to the burn pile before we light it ablaze. Our conversation went something like this:
"So, how does your husband feel about chain saws?"
"Fine, why?"
"Oh, I'm just thinking of things we could add to this bonfire."
"You want to throw the chainsaw in the bonfire?"
As Bill Engvall would say... here's your sign....
Then last night I asked her to come over and watch Zack for me so I could mow the lawn. I know... I've become one of THOSE mothers I always SWORE I would never be. The kind that gets a baby sitter to do household items and go to the grocery store. But seriously, he's so little and the mower is SOO loud I just didn't want him riding it with me or in the play yard and if I left him in the play yard or inside I would have to stop every 10 minutes to check on him. So anyhow...
Jess came over and Zack and her went on a walk. Then they sat on the swing on our front porch until Zack decided, with some gusto, that it was time to eat. Now remember I'm on the mower, 50 feet away and could have been asked ANY questions, but instead she just heads inside to feed him.
She knows that we put cereal in his bottles so she opens up the fridge, sees a bottle with milk in it and begins looking for the cereal. On the counter, in plain sight is a box of baby cereal. Yes, over there, the one with the giant Gerber baby on the front.
I come in from mowing the lawn and they are sitting in the rocking chair.
"How many scoops of cereal do you normally put in his bottle?"
"Scoops? I usually put one to two Tablespoons per four ounces. What scoops?"
"The scoops that are in the can. I put in two but I had to open a new can."
"Can of what? The cereal is in a box!"
"Well I don't know. But he seems to like it."
I begin frantically looking through the kitchen trying to figure out what exactly it is that she is feeding my son and whether I need to call poison control. As it turns out she had opened a can of formula (which Zack has never had before) and dumped two scoops in the three ounce bottle. He ate it but he then proceeded to spit it all back up again. When she came in the kitchen and looked at the can again her only comment was "I guess it does say formula on the can doesn't it? I'm sorry I panicked. He was crying..."
No harm done. I gave him a washcloth bath and fed him another bottle this time with cereal and he quickly fell asleep. No worse for the wear.
Next time when dealing with Jess we speak in slow clear sentences and leave easy to follow directions!! Must remember blond roots run deep.
I have a friend, Jess. You remember Jess: the baby shaking, blog taking over Jess. Speaking of which the massage and lunch on Saturday was FABULOUS!!
Now, my friend Jess, I'm not sure if her roots are truly blond or not but if ever there was a woman who fit the stereotypes it would be her. (Don't worry... she's been warned I'm making fun with full permission).
Since Jake has been gone her and her husband have been really great with helping me around the house. Our most recent project has been a large bonfire that we have been gathering items for but have yet to be able to light because of weather.
Last week I called her to ask her if Shane was good with a chain saw because I have some dead trees that I would like to add to the burn pile before we light it ablaze. Our conversation went something like this:
"So, how does your husband feel about chain saws?"
"Fine, why?"
"Oh, I'm just thinking of things we could add to this bonfire."
"You want to throw the chainsaw in the bonfire?"
As Bill Engvall would say... here's your sign....
Then last night I asked her to come over and watch Zack for me so I could mow the lawn. I know... I've become one of THOSE mothers I always SWORE I would never be. The kind that gets a baby sitter to do household items and go to the grocery store. But seriously, he's so little and the mower is SOO loud I just didn't want him riding it with me or in the play yard and if I left him in the play yard or inside I would have to stop every 10 minutes to check on him. So anyhow...
Jess came over and Zack and her went on a walk. Then they sat on the swing on our front porch until Zack decided, with some gusto, that it was time to eat. Now remember I'm on the mower, 50 feet away and could have been asked ANY questions, but instead she just heads inside to feed him.
She knows that we put cereal in his bottles so she opens up the fridge, sees a bottle with milk in it and begins looking for the cereal. On the counter, in plain sight is a box of baby cereal. Yes, over there, the one with the giant Gerber baby on the front.
I come in from mowing the lawn and they are sitting in the rocking chair.
"How many scoops of cereal do you normally put in his bottle?"
"Scoops? I usually put one to two Tablespoons per four ounces. What scoops?"
"The scoops that are in the can. I put in two but I had to open a new can."
"Can of what? The cereal is in a box!"
"Well I don't know. But he seems to like it."
I begin frantically looking through the kitchen trying to figure out what exactly it is that she is feeding my son and whether I need to call poison control. As it turns out she had opened a can of formula (which Zack has never had before) and dumped two scoops in the three ounce bottle. He ate it but he then proceeded to spit it all back up again. When she came in the kitchen and looked at the can again her only comment was "I guess it does say formula on the can doesn't it? I'm sorry I panicked. He was crying..."
No harm done. I gave him a washcloth bath and fed him another bottle this time with cereal and he quickly fell asleep. No worse for the wear.
Next time when dealing with Jess we speak in slow clear sentences and leave easy to follow directions!! Must remember blond roots run deep.
Friday, April 20, 2007
It's me again...I have hacked in and I am coming to you live...
I heard a song today that from the first words made me think of you….
Oh look there you go again
Puttin on that smile again
Even though I know you had a bad day
Doin this and doin that
Always putting yourself last
Whole lot of give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long
Before you break
Puttin on that smile again
Even though I know you had a bad day
Doin this and doin that
Always putting yourself last
Whole lot of give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long
Before you break
So FALL go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you, every time you fall…fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt…every fear
Every worry…every tear
I’m right here
Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder
And let it fade away
And if you want to let go
It’s okay
Hold on…hold on….hold on to me!
This is everything I want for you! We (your family and friends) will catch you if you let us but it is not the same as trusting and falling into the arms of the man that loves you! Knowing he will catch you, he will encourage you to put yourself first - because he does, knowing he will pick you back up and he will brush you off, having a best friend whom you can trust with your heart and your life…Knowing...You will never have to do it alone!
That is what I want you to want for you!
Jess~
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I have hacked in taking over Heather's blog all for this....
You are cordially invited for a
SURPRISE
and
LUNCH
SATURDAY
APRIL 21, 2007
Be ready at 10 AM.
WHY: Because you deserve it!
See you then!
Letting go..
Yesterday was a hard day for Jake and I. He has basically made up his mind that he does not want to go to another treatment program. He, instead, wants to do the halfway program that MECCA provides and then do outpatient treatment. This upsets me.
We argued, I cried, he yelled, then he talked and I talked. He doesn't want to go to another program and miss out on more of his son's life. I'm torn. I get to see Zack every day and missing Jake is not the same as missing Zack. If someone told me that I had to go away and miss more of his life, when every day he changes so much, I don't think I'd do it either.
I spent most of the night tossing and turning over this and when I woke up this morning I had a sore throat and my body ached and I came to a conclusion. I have to let go. I am making myself sick and it's not doing me one damn bit of good.
In the end it doesn't matter what program Jake does because if he doesn't want it to work he could be there for 2 years and it wouldn't make him better. I have spent so long thinking that I could do something for him and feeling terribly when things didn't go right. I am continually asking myself what if and beating myself up thinking I could have done something.
But you know what? I couldn't have. I have done everything I know how to do and right now there is NOTHING else I can do. I have to let go of the control and give it all to Jake and see what he does with it. He is the only one that can make this program work and if he honestly thinks he can do that with one month in MECCA and three months in a halfway house than I have to let him do it.
And if he fails, I have to be willing to let go of the thoughts of what if I would have made him go somewhere else because in the end, it all comes down to choices. And unfortunately for a control freak it is hard to let him make those but I have to. I can't be with him 24/7 and I can't stop him from doing drugs if that is what he chooses. So, I have to let go and realize that this is not my decision and it is not my path to walk.
Jake and I will go to counseling. We will try to work on our issues and if we are not at a place where I feel comfortable with him coming home in 3 1/2 months than I will choose to live apart from him. That is all I can do right now. I can honestly tell you that letting go will be the hardest thing I have ever done but if I want my life back it is the only thing that I can do.
So, you're job, oh faithful ones is to keep reminding me. If you hear me talking like I am trying to make decisions for him or beating myself up because I didn't do something and he made a bad choice please remind me that I let go. Pry my little hands off of the control stick if you have to but please just keep reminding me.
Heather, today is the first day of your new life and today you let go....
We argued, I cried, he yelled, then he talked and I talked. He doesn't want to go to another program and miss out on more of his son's life. I'm torn. I get to see Zack every day and missing Jake is not the same as missing Zack. If someone told me that I had to go away and miss more of his life, when every day he changes so much, I don't think I'd do it either.
I spent most of the night tossing and turning over this and when I woke up this morning I had a sore throat and my body ached and I came to a conclusion. I have to let go. I am making myself sick and it's not doing me one damn bit of good.
In the end it doesn't matter what program Jake does because if he doesn't want it to work he could be there for 2 years and it wouldn't make him better. I have spent so long thinking that I could do something for him and feeling terribly when things didn't go right. I am continually asking myself what if and beating myself up thinking I could have done something.
But you know what? I couldn't have. I have done everything I know how to do and right now there is NOTHING else I can do. I have to let go of the control and give it all to Jake and see what he does with it. He is the only one that can make this program work and if he honestly thinks he can do that with one month in MECCA and three months in a halfway house than I have to let him do it.
And if he fails, I have to be willing to let go of the thoughts of what if I would have made him go somewhere else because in the end, it all comes down to choices. And unfortunately for a control freak it is hard to let him make those but I have to. I can't be with him 24/7 and I can't stop him from doing drugs if that is what he chooses. So, I have to let go and realize that this is not my decision and it is not my path to walk.
Jake and I will go to counseling. We will try to work on our issues and if we are not at a place where I feel comfortable with him coming home in 3 1/2 months than I will choose to live apart from him. That is all I can do right now. I can honestly tell you that letting go will be the hardest thing I have ever done but if I want my life back it is the only thing that I can do.
So, you're job, oh faithful ones is to keep reminding me. If you hear me talking like I am trying to make decisions for him or beating myself up because I didn't do something and he made a bad choice please remind me that I let go. Pry my little hands off of the control stick if you have to but please just keep reminding me.
Heather, today is the first day of your new life and today you let go....
Monday, April 16, 2007
Frustrated
I'm trying to find Jake a place to transfer and I'm having NO luck. I am so unbelievably frustrated that I just went to come here to post and typed in www.frust before I realized that would not get me to the blogger site.
We thought we had found a place. I talked to one of the counselors and everything seemed good. But now I can not get the intake woman to call me back. Jake called and I called last week to no avail. FINALLY at the end of the week someone mentioned that she was out until today. So I e-mailed her. And then I called this morning and left a message.
Nothing. So I called again, and again, and again. Every time I keep getting her voice mail. No... I have not left her 6 messages... although I am tempted to. I just hang up on her voice mail.
So, there is another place. A place that may be better than the first. So I call, and I get transferred and I get voice mail. Three times I have called now and three times I have gotten this woman's voice mail. I have left her two messages. Still no call back.
Do these people not know I am DESPERATE!! MECCA is, as we suspected, a joke. Jake likes it better than the hospital but only by a very slight margin. People are rude and disrespectful and most are just there because the courts told them it was either there or jail.
It is filled with "kids" (18-23 yr olds) who probably grew up with alcoholic and drug addicted family members and this is the only life they know. They are there because they have to be and the minute they walk out the door they will go right back to the only life they know.
So here I sit, trying to concentrate on the few returns I have left and all I can do is stew and watch the clock and continue to call. I just want SOMEONE to answer the phone and give me some answers so we can get the ball rolling before he slips between the cracks like every other one of those people there.
We thought we had found a place. I talked to one of the counselors and everything seemed good. But now I can not get the intake woman to call me back. Jake called and I called last week to no avail. FINALLY at the end of the week someone mentioned that she was out until today. So I e-mailed her. And then I called this morning and left a message.
Nothing. So I called again, and again, and again. Every time I keep getting her voice mail. No... I have not left her 6 messages... although I am tempted to. I just hang up on her voice mail.
So, there is another place. A place that may be better than the first. So I call, and I get transferred and I get voice mail. Three times I have called now and three times I have gotten this woman's voice mail. I have left her two messages. Still no call back.
Do these people not know I am DESPERATE!! MECCA is, as we suspected, a joke. Jake likes it better than the hospital but only by a very slight margin. People are rude and disrespectful and most are just there because the courts told them it was either there or jail.
It is filled with "kids" (18-23 yr olds) who probably grew up with alcoholic and drug addicted family members and this is the only life they know. They are there because they have to be and the minute they walk out the door they will go right back to the only life they know.
So here I sit, trying to concentrate on the few returns I have left and all I can do is stew and watch the clock and continue to call. I just want SOMEONE to answer the phone and give me some answers so we can get the ball rolling before he slips between the cracks like every other one of those people there.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
How goes it?
It goes.
Is that enough of an update for you?
Well aren't you all just hard to please!
Let's see, this week has been CRAZY!! The tax deadline is on Tuesday and so I have a million things I am trying to get done. The piles on my desk don't ever seem to end. Plus I have about 5 returns for family and friends that I said I would do and have not been getting done and now they are calling wondering when their returns will be filed.
Note to self, next year better predict when world will fall apart so can decline friend requests for tax services!!
The earliest I have been home all week has been 9:15. I have either been working, visiting Jake or trying frantically to get the friend returns done. I told my mom that tax season is going to get over and I'm going to go to pick up Zack next Wednesday and he's going to look at me like who the hell are you??
As for Zack, he seems to be doing much better. He slept all day yesterday. He would wake up, eat and then go right back to sleep so I'm guessing he is a growing little boy. Which is good. We had a doctors appointment for him yesterday and he weighs 12 lbs 6.5 oz which is up from where he was last week so he is gaining weight as he should be. He's still in the 50th percentile for weight but the doctor says as long as he stays consistent than they don't worry.
The gastroenterologist (sp?) still wants to do an upper GI on him just to make sure that everything is functioning correctly but he says he doesn't anticipate finding anything. They asked me when was a good time to schedule that and my standard answer applied. Any time AFTER next Tuesday!!
As for the rest of my life, I'm struggling to keep my head above water but I'm still here. Jake goes to MECCA tomorrow and then HOPEFULLY will transfer to the next treatment facility rather quickly. I have not heard very positive things about the MECCA program so I would really like him to get into a REAL treatment facility as soon as possible.
In the back of my jeep is his bag for MECCA. I am taking it to visiting hours tonight so that he can put the rest of his clothing in it. I spent an hour at Wal-Mart last night gathering the essential items. Soap, shampoo, razors (no he can't keep them.. they keep them locked up and then "supervise" his use), deodorant, etc. All alcohol free items.
Do you know how hard it is to find alcohol free shampoo and deodorant? No really, you would think it would be easy but you have NO idea how many things have alcohol in them!! He ended up with some off brand of deodorant and shampoo. He was able to keep his regular soap though!! Yeah!!
So now, the only things I have left to do are to pick up his prescriptions and get him some quarters for the pop machines and then he will be all packed and my panic attack with continue to escalate.
Yesterday was a hard day for me as it slowly dawned on me that tomorrow he will essentially be free again. For three and a half weeks I have not had to worry about where he is or what he is doing and tomorrow all of that goes away in a sense. He will still be in a treatment program but from here on out the ball is back in his court.
None of the long term treatment facilities in Iowa are locked. They take the approach that the people have to want the help so locking them up is not going to do them any good. Therefore, if he wanted to, he could walk at any time. That freaks me out a little. I very much like the control that I felt when I knew he was safely locked away from all of the drugs and druggies.
I suppose in the end this is a learning experience for both of us. I have to turn the control over to him and essentially let him sink or swim. I have spent so much of the past few years thinking that if I took his car away or made sure he didn't have any money that it would keep him away from the drugs. In the end, however, he is the only one that can do that.
If he succeeds he has everything to gain and if he fails he has everything to loose and there's NOTHING I can do right now to make or break that. That is a hard thing for a control freak to come to terms with!!
Is that enough of an update for you?
Well aren't you all just hard to please!
Let's see, this week has been CRAZY!! The tax deadline is on Tuesday and so I have a million things I am trying to get done. The piles on my desk don't ever seem to end. Plus I have about 5 returns for family and friends that I said I would do and have not been getting done and now they are calling wondering when their returns will be filed.
Note to self, next year better predict when world will fall apart so can decline friend requests for tax services!!
The earliest I have been home all week has been 9:15. I have either been working, visiting Jake or trying frantically to get the friend returns done. I told my mom that tax season is going to get over and I'm going to go to pick up Zack next Wednesday and he's going to look at me like who the hell are you??
As for Zack, he seems to be doing much better. He slept all day yesterday. He would wake up, eat and then go right back to sleep so I'm guessing he is a growing little boy. Which is good. We had a doctors appointment for him yesterday and he weighs 12 lbs 6.5 oz which is up from where he was last week so he is gaining weight as he should be. He's still in the 50th percentile for weight but the doctor says as long as he stays consistent than they don't worry.
The gastroenterologist (sp?) still wants to do an upper GI on him just to make sure that everything is functioning correctly but he says he doesn't anticipate finding anything. They asked me when was a good time to schedule that and my standard answer applied. Any time AFTER next Tuesday!!
As for the rest of my life, I'm struggling to keep my head above water but I'm still here. Jake goes to MECCA tomorrow and then HOPEFULLY will transfer to the next treatment facility rather quickly. I have not heard very positive things about the MECCA program so I would really like him to get into a REAL treatment facility as soon as possible.
In the back of my jeep is his bag for MECCA. I am taking it to visiting hours tonight so that he can put the rest of his clothing in it. I spent an hour at Wal-Mart last night gathering the essential items. Soap, shampoo, razors (no he can't keep them.. they keep them locked up and then "supervise" his use), deodorant, etc. All alcohol free items.
Do you know how hard it is to find alcohol free shampoo and deodorant? No really, you would think it would be easy but you have NO idea how many things have alcohol in them!! He ended up with some off brand of deodorant and shampoo. He was able to keep his regular soap though!! Yeah!!
So now, the only things I have left to do are to pick up his prescriptions and get him some quarters for the pop machines and then he will be all packed and my panic attack with continue to escalate.
Yesterday was a hard day for me as it slowly dawned on me that tomorrow he will essentially be free again. For three and a half weeks I have not had to worry about where he is or what he is doing and tomorrow all of that goes away in a sense. He will still be in a treatment program but from here on out the ball is back in his court.
None of the long term treatment facilities in Iowa are locked. They take the approach that the people have to want the help so locking them up is not going to do them any good. Therefore, if he wanted to, he could walk at any time. That freaks me out a little. I very much like the control that I felt when I knew he was safely locked away from all of the drugs and druggies.
I suppose in the end this is a learning experience for both of us. I have to turn the control over to him and essentially let him sink or swim. I have spent so much of the past few years thinking that if I took his car away or made sure he didn't have any money that it would keep him away from the drugs. In the end, however, he is the only one that can do that.
If he succeeds he has everything to gain and if he fails he has everything to loose and there's NOTHING I can do right now to make or break that. That is a hard thing for a control freak to come to terms with!!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Friday, April 06, 2007
Zack
The ultrasound yesterday looked fine. He was still REALLY grouchy all day yesterday but he ate well last night and this morning and seemed to keep everything down so hopefully we have turned a corner.
When I dropped him off at daycare he was content to just lay there and play with his hands which he hasn't done in about two weeks so cross your fingers that I will get my happy baby back!!
When I dropped him off at daycare he was content to just lay there and play with his hands which he hasn't done in about two weeks so cross your fingers that I will get my happy baby back!!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Enough
Okay... I know that the Lord isn't supposed to give you more than you can handle but enough is enough already.
No seriously... somewhere up there someone is laughing at me...
I imagine them playing some sort of game where in the stack piece after piece on top of my back just waiting for it to break.
So... remember when I said Zack was feeling better? Yeah, I was just kidding. I got a phone call at 1:30 today telling me that everything that they had fed him he had vomited up. So, I rushed out of work and went and picked him up and took him back to the doctor. (Three days in a row, is that a record?)
The determination? They don't know. Tomorrow we have an appointment at the hospital to have an ultrasound of his stomach. They are looking for a condition called Pyloric Stenosis. Here is the readers digest version of what I know, the muscle between the stomach and the first part of the small intestine (the pylorus) becomes inflamed. This interferes with food entering the intestine which causes the baby to throw up what it eats.
So... for right now we are trying to feed him in very small amounts hoping that if he does not get overly full the food will slowly sift through the opening, even though it may not be a large opening, and into his intestines instead of all over his clothing and the floor and the burp rag and my clothing and well you get the point.
If they do not find anything on ultrasound they may have me feed him (barium or otherwise) and attempt to watch it go down on x-ray or ultrasound and see if they can see something that way.
If they still do not see anything than we are being referred to a gastroentrenologist (sp?) who will hopefully be able to give us some answers and make my poor little man a little happier.
So for now, stop the prayers for me and pray for him would you? I can handle a little pain but it breaks my heart to look into his eyes and know that he is hurting and there is nothing I can do.
No seriously... somewhere up there someone is laughing at me...
I imagine them playing some sort of game where in the stack piece after piece on top of my back just waiting for it to break.
So... remember when I said Zack was feeling better? Yeah, I was just kidding. I got a phone call at 1:30 today telling me that everything that they had fed him he had vomited up. So, I rushed out of work and went and picked him up and took him back to the doctor. (Three days in a row, is that a record?)
The determination? They don't know. Tomorrow we have an appointment at the hospital to have an ultrasound of his stomach. They are looking for a condition called Pyloric Stenosis. Here is the readers digest version of what I know, the muscle between the stomach and the first part of the small intestine (the pylorus) becomes inflamed. This interferes with food entering the intestine which causes the baby to throw up what it eats.
So... for right now we are trying to feed him in very small amounts hoping that if he does not get overly full the food will slowly sift through the opening, even though it may not be a large opening, and into his intestines instead of all over his clothing and the floor and the burp rag and my clothing and well you get the point.
If they do not find anything on ultrasound they may have me feed him (barium or otherwise) and attempt to watch it go down on x-ray or ultrasound and see if they can see something that way.
If they still do not see anything than we are being referred to a gastroentrenologist (sp?) who will hopefully be able to give us some answers and make my poor little man a little happier.
So for now, stop the prayers for me and pray for him would you? I can handle a little pain but it breaks my heart to look into his eyes and know that he is hurting and there is nothing I can do.
As Long as it Takes
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. When you sit at home every night with an 11 week old, who for all of his endearing qualities is not much of a conversation starter, you have a lot of time for thinking. Either thinking or watching bad reruns on TV since I've canceled all of my movie channels (thanks for that Lindsay... cancel your premium channels she says).
So, thinking it is. And what I've been thinking about lately is time. Mostly the fact that everyone keeps putting a time frame on Jake's treatment. I admit when this first started I was right there with everyone else. He needs three to six months inpatient, he needs another six months outpatient, etc.
However, what I'm realizing now is Jake needs what Jake needs. And only HE knows what that is. He has agreed to transfer from MECCA to another treatment program but as of now is still focusing on time. I don't want to be there longer than x number of days. Some of his family members are falling into that same trap.
I have recently received calls asking me how long he would have to be there before I will let him come home. "Well if he goes and does an additional 30 days is that enough? You know if he at least does that you shouldn't be too hard on him. At least he's trying."
The problem is that I don't know how long Jake will have to be in treatment for before I feel comfortable letting him come home. And quite frankly at this point, neither does Jake. The fact that he is willing to transfer at all is progress. It says to me that his head is finally getting clearer and he is starting to think on his own instead of listening to all of the other people in that place.
However, I think putting a time frame on treatment is cheating everyone. Jake will have a head start on everyone when he enters treatment, he will be clean. He will have been clean for 3 1/2 weeks before he goes there. That means that maybe his stay will be a little shorter than it would have been if he had not gone there clean.
But do I know how long a little shorter or a little longer is? No. No one really does. And that is precisely my point. I don't want to quantify how long Jake "has" to be in treatment for. I don't want to do it and I don't want him or anyone else to do it either. I think everyone is focusing WAY too much on the time aspect and not nearly enough on the recovery aspect.
Jake has admitted that he is an addict. That is the first step. But it is just one step down a long and winding path. At this point I just really want everyone to stop focusing on the time continuum and start focusing on the end result. I want Jake to transfer to another facility and I want him to transfer with an open mind. Get there, work the program and see how long it takes to get better.
Maybe it will be 30 additional days. Maybe it will be 180 additional days. Whatever it is that is what I want from him for him to be able to come home. For him to be willing to stay there for as long as it takes.
So, thinking it is. And what I've been thinking about lately is time. Mostly the fact that everyone keeps putting a time frame on Jake's treatment. I admit when this first started I was right there with everyone else. He needs three to six months inpatient, he needs another six months outpatient, etc.
However, what I'm realizing now is Jake needs what Jake needs. And only HE knows what that is. He has agreed to transfer from MECCA to another treatment program but as of now is still focusing on time. I don't want to be there longer than x number of days. Some of his family members are falling into that same trap.
I have recently received calls asking me how long he would have to be there before I will let him come home. "Well if he goes and does an additional 30 days is that enough? You know if he at least does that you shouldn't be too hard on him. At least he's trying."
The problem is that I don't know how long Jake will have to be in treatment for before I feel comfortable letting him come home. And quite frankly at this point, neither does Jake. The fact that he is willing to transfer at all is progress. It says to me that his head is finally getting clearer and he is starting to think on his own instead of listening to all of the other people in that place.
However, I think putting a time frame on treatment is cheating everyone. Jake will have a head start on everyone when he enters treatment, he will be clean. He will have been clean for 3 1/2 weeks before he goes there. That means that maybe his stay will be a little shorter than it would have been if he had not gone there clean.
But do I know how long a little shorter or a little longer is? No. No one really does. And that is precisely my point. I don't want to quantify how long Jake "has" to be in treatment for. I don't want to do it and I don't want him or anyone else to do it either. I think everyone is focusing WAY too much on the time aspect and not nearly enough on the recovery aspect.
Jake has admitted that he is an addict. That is the first step. But it is just one step down a long and winding path. At this point I just really want everyone to stop focusing on the time continuum and start focusing on the end result. I want Jake to transfer to another facility and I want him to transfer with an open mind. Get there, work the program and see how long it takes to get better.
Maybe it will be 30 additional days. Maybe it will be 180 additional days. Whatever it is that is what I want from him for him to be able to come home. For him to be willing to stay there for as long as it takes.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Quick Update
My mom took Zack to our regular pediatrician this afternoon. His platelet count is down but his white blood cell count is slightly elevated so he thinks he probably has a viral infection of some sort.
As for why he's miserable, he thinks it has to do with his reflux. He has been spitting up A LOT lately which means he may not be keeping his medicine down like he should. SO... I'm going to move his medicine to 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after he eats to make sure he gets it to stay down. We are also going to thicken his bottles a little more with cereal to keep it down a little more.
As for the quack doctor, Zack's doctor just shook his head. He said he has heard things about this guy before. He just spouts out random diseases and then sends parents on their way. He also wrote arthritis in Zack's chart because of his neck.
So... hopefully we will be back to our happy self soon!!
How to freak out mom 101...
Tell her her baby may have some exotic baby disease that she can't pronounce or that perhaps someone has shaken her baby and then send her home.
Yeah that will do it...
So, last night I took Zack to the clinic to have his ears checked for ear infection. They had told us when we were in the hospital that sometimes bronchitis can turn into an ear infection and since he had been pretty fussy yesterday and Sunday I figured it couldn't hurt to have the doctor take a look.
Our appointment was at 7:50 and by 8:10 I knew I was in trouble. The first thing Dr. Quack did when he got in the room was pick Zack up under the arms and hold him out in front of him. My poor little guy is just dangling there giving this man a look like what the hell do you want?
"Oh he only turn his head to one side. What wrong with his head? You take him to physical therapist?"
Okay... NOT here for his head but I humor him.
"Yes, we have been working on getting him to turn his head the other way and are going to talk to the doctor on Thursday and see if we need to go to a physical therapist."
Now... could you check his ears??
So he lays him down and looks at his ears and announces that his ears look fine. He thinks that he is just fussy because of the bronchitis. I try to explain to him that he is fussy if he's laying down or sitting up but he doesn't want to hear it. He leaves and sends in a nurse to suck out his nose and give him another nebulizer treatment.
So we get all of that done and I'm thinking for pete's sake I could have done this at home. In fact I'm just getting ready to pack him up as he is STILL fussing when the doctor comes back in.
"Oh... he still fussy? Ok, I want to check blood to make sure he doesn't have infection before I send you home."
Okay. So back on the table he goes and another nurse comes in and pricks his finger. He of course cries and cries and cries. After she gets the blood drawn she tries to get a band aid on him. She has brought full size band aids to try to put on a 1/2 size... no make that a 1/4 size child. Needless to say it didn't go well.
She struggled as he flailed and the band aid kept sticking to her gloves. Finally she got the first one on but she wanted a second one to wrap around the finger and that one she ripped in half and then had to open a third before she got it on his finger. As soon as she finished I scooped up my baby and cuddled him. He quickly fell asleep after all of the trauma and I began packing up his things to get him out of the land of the quacks.
About that time the doctor came in.
"He have fever?"
"No, not this week. He had a fever last Friday, Saturday and Sunday but he hasn't had a fever since."
"Ok. So he have fever three days."
Very good... you can count... that is three days...
"His platelet level is very high. He could have Kawasaki (or Keocera or Kaowacera or something) disease."
The only thing my mind focused on was the word disease..
"But normally they have fever for five days and he only have fever for three days. Also, he too young. Usually babies six to eight months when they have Keorea (or kowamonga or whatever) disease."
Okay... so where are we going with this?
"Or sometimes when platelet level is high could be that he has bleeding on the brain."
It WHAT? Excuse me?
"He go to daycare?"
"Um yes..."
"How many kids with him?"
"There are eight children in his room."
"Okay, well this start on Sunday right?"
I nod my head... numb at this point...
"Well sometimes can be from bleeding on the brain but you with him all day on Sunday so not likely."
Then he proceeds to feel my son's head and tell me it feels normal. AS IF he would be able to tell from that.
Then he asks me if I feel comfortable taking him home. Do I WHAT? Should I feel comfortable taking him home? Aren't you the doctor? He finally decides that since he doesn't have a fever I can take him home but I have to take him back today to have his platelet level re-checked.
So off I go at 9:30 at night in a total daze. I load Zack in the car not sure if I should be worried that at any moment he will die. I called my mom and she immediately talked to my sister. As I was waiting for her to call me back I was running through things in my head and becoming more and more convinced that this man was simply a QUACK!!
Let's see, he was with Jess on Saturday morning. I know he peed on her and her rug but I don't see her as a shaker... (Just Kidding Jess... I know the worse thing you did was give him a bath... oh the travesty, you mean woman you.)
And after that, he was with me until I took him to daycare yesterday morning. So... um yeah not thinking that anyone shook him. Moving on to the exotic baby disease. First he throws that out and then he tells me he thinks he may be too young for it. Than why even mention it?
Finally my mom called me back and told me that Lindsay read her a page in her medical textbook about high platelet levels in babies. They can be caused by an infection or by steroids. Well hello?? My son has been on an Albuterol nebulizer for a week!! Or, it could be an infection... but no... Dr. Quack jumps right to exotic baby disease or someone shook your baby.
Needless to say I will NOT be taking him back there to have his platelet level rechecked. He will be going to his NORMAL doctor today to have his poor little finger stuck again.
Oh and in case you're wondering, it is Kawasaki disease and he has NONE of the symptoms!! Nor is he old enough to have it. I think I may have to file a complaint!!
Yeah that will do it...
So, last night I took Zack to the clinic to have his ears checked for ear infection. They had told us when we were in the hospital that sometimes bronchitis can turn into an ear infection and since he had been pretty fussy yesterday and Sunday I figured it couldn't hurt to have the doctor take a look.
Our appointment was at 7:50 and by 8:10 I knew I was in trouble. The first thing Dr. Quack did when he got in the room was pick Zack up under the arms and hold him out in front of him. My poor little guy is just dangling there giving this man a look like what the hell do you want?
"Oh he only turn his head to one side. What wrong with his head? You take him to physical therapist?"
Okay... NOT here for his head but I humor him.
"Yes, we have been working on getting him to turn his head the other way and are going to talk to the doctor on Thursday and see if we need to go to a physical therapist."
Now... could you check his ears??
So he lays him down and looks at his ears and announces that his ears look fine. He thinks that he is just fussy because of the bronchitis. I try to explain to him that he is fussy if he's laying down or sitting up but he doesn't want to hear it. He leaves and sends in a nurse to suck out his nose and give him another nebulizer treatment.
So we get all of that done and I'm thinking for pete's sake I could have done this at home. In fact I'm just getting ready to pack him up as he is STILL fussing when the doctor comes back in.
"Oh... he still fussy? Ok, I want to check blood to make sure he doesn't have infection before I send you home."
Okay. So back on the table he goes and another nurse comes in and pricks his finger. He of course cries and cries and cries. After she gets the blood drawn she tries to get a band aid on him. She has brought full size band aids to try to put on a 1/2 size... no make that a 1/4 size child. Needless to say it didn't go well.
She struggled as he flailed and the band aid kept sticking to her gloves. Finally she got the first one on but she wanted a second one to wrap around the finger and that one she ripped in half and then had to open a third before she got it on his finger. As soon as she finished I scooped up my baby and cuddled him. He quickly fell asleep after all of the trauma and I began packing up his things to get him out of the land of the quacks.
About that time the doctor came in.
"He have fever?"
"No, not this week. He had a fever last Friday, Saturday and Sunday but he hasn't had a fever since."
"Ok. So he have fever three days."
Very good... you can count... that is three days...
"His platelet level is very high. He could have Kawasaki (or Keocera or Kaowacera or something) disease."
The only thing my mind focused on was the word disease..
"But normally they have fever for five days and he only have fever for three days. Also, he too young. Usually babies six to eight months when they have Keorea (or kowamonga or whatever) disease."
Okay... so where are we going with this?
"Or sometimes when platelet level is high could be that he has bleeding on the brain."
It WHAT? Excuse me?
"He go to daycare?"
"Um yes..."
"How many kids with him?"
"There are eight children in his room."
"Okay, well this start on Sunday right?"
I nod my head... numb at this point...
"Well sometimes can be from bleeding on the brain but you with him all day on Sunday so not likely."
Then he proceeds to feel my son's head and tell me it feels normal. AS IF he would be able to tell from that.
Then he asks me if I feel comfortable taking him home. Do I WHAT? Should I feel comfortable taking him home? Aren't you the doctor? He finally decides that since he doesn't have a fever I can take him home but I have to take him back today to have his platelet level re-checked.
So off I go at 9:30 at night in a total daze. I load Zack in the car not sure if I should be worried that at any moment he will die. I called my mom and she immediately talked to my sister. As I was waiting for her to call me back I was running through things in my head and becoming more and more convinced that this man was simply a QUACK!!
Let's see, he was with Jess on Saturday morning. I know he peed on her and her rug but I don't see her as a shaker... (Just Kidding Jess... I know the worse thing you did was give him a bath... oh the travesty, you mean woman you.)
And after that, he was with me until I took him to daycare yesterday morning. So... um yeah not thinking that anyone shook him. Moving on to the exotic baby disease. First he throws that out and then he tells me he thinks he may be too young for it. Than why even mention it?
Finally my mom called me back and told me that Lindsay read her a page in her medical textbook about high platelet levels in babies. They can be caused by an infection or by steroids. Well hello?? My son has been on an Albuterol nebulizer for a week!! Or, it could be an infection... but no... Dr. Quack jumps right to exotic baby disease or someone shook your baby.
Needless to say I will NOT be taking him back there to have his platelet level rechecked. He will be going to his NORMAL doctor today to have his poor little finger stuck again.
Oh and in case you're wondering, it is Kawasaki disease and he has NONE of the symptoms!! Nor is he old enough to have it. I think I may have to file a complaint!!
Monday, April 02, 2007
Thank you...
Now excuse me while I go in the corner and stick my fingers in my ears and rock back and forth saying na na na na na...
No really, I appreciate that all of you are so concerned for me and Zack and I really appreciate all of your support. It keeps me going to know that people are rooting for us. (Except for my sister apparently who never liked my husband... although I'm just finding this out now 10 years later... but I think that's another blog entirely.)
ANYWAY... I have taken today and made some decisions about my life. Obviously not what anonymous would want me to do although since they will not identify themselves I don't know how much I can listen to them anyway. :-)
For better or worse I married Jake. I love him for better or worse and trust me when I tell you this is definitely on the worse end of the spectrum. Right now he is sick and just like if he had cancer I am not going to abandon him. I know that some of you may disagree with my take on this but unless you have ever dealt with someone with an addiction you can not claim to know what I should do or what you would do in my position.
HOWEVER... with that said, I have also decided to take Tink's advice and draw a line in the sand.
I will not let him hurt me any more. (Well... there will still be hurts as we go through this process together but I'm not going to stand by and just take his anger.) If he can not be respectful on the phone I will not speak to him. If he can not be respectful when we visit, we will leave. I realize now that I have put up with far to much for far to long and I need to draw some lines and stick with them.
If Jake does not want to go to additional treatment I can not force him. I have spent far too many years thinking that I could fix him. I can't. He is an addict (he has at least admitted that) and only he can fix himself. However, I will not abandon him at this time. Right now he is frustrated with his situation and trying to work through everything in his own mind.
If once he starts counseling (nope not yet... still sitting in the psych ward with the crazies remember?) he decides that he will not do additional treatment than I will help him by helping myself and walking away. I know that it will be the hardest thing I will ever do but I have learned a lot over the past two weeks and part of that is that I have AMAZING friends and family members who will be here to help Zack and I in any way that they can.
For that... I can not thank you all enough.
No really, I appreciate that all of you are so concerned for me and Zack and I really appreciate all of your support. It keeps me going to know that people are rooting for us. (Except for my sister apparently who never liked my husband... although I'm just finding this out now 10 years later... but I think that's another blog entirely.)
ANYWAY... I have taken today and made some decisions about my life. Obviously not what anonymous would want me to do although since they will not identify themselves I don't know how much I can listen to them anyway. :-)
For better or worse I married Jake. I love him for better or worse and trust me when I tell you this is definitely on the worse end of the spectrum. Right now he is sick and just like if he had cancer I am not going to abandon him. I know that some of you may disagree with my take on this but unless you have ever dealt with someone with an addiction you can not claim to know what I should do or what you would do in my position.
HOWEVER... with that said, I have also decided to take Tink's advice and draw a line in the sand.
I will not let him hurt me any more. (Well... there will still be hurts as we go through this process together but I'm not going to stand by and just take his anger.) If he can not be respectful on the phone I will not speak to him. If he can not be respectful when we visit, we will leave. I realize now that I have put up with far to much for far to long and I need to draw some lines and stick with them.
If Jake does not want to go to additional treatment I can not force him. I have spent far too many years thinking that I could fix him. I can't. He is an addict (he has at least admitted that) and only he can fix himself. However, I will not abandon him at this time. Right now he is frustrated with his situation and trying to work through everything in his own mind.
If once he starts counseling (nope not yet... still sitting in the psych ward with the crazies remember?) he decides that he will not do additional treatment than I will help him by helping myself and walking away. I know that it will be the hardest thing I will ever do but I have learned a lot over the past two weeks and part of that is that I have AMAZING friends and family members who will be here to help Zack and I in any way that they can.
For that... I can not thank you all enough.
Loosing my shit...
Well, I held it together this long it's about time things fall apart huh? Today is a BAD day!! Actually the whole rest of the weekend after I left work on Saturday was bad.
I left work early on Saturday to go see Jake because he wanted to see Zack awake and I really wanted him to see Zack awake. His sister had seen him on Friday night and said he seemed good so I was excited that he would be in a good mood. He even called me right at 2:00 to see if I was there yet. However, that was the best thing that happened on that visit.
As soon as I mentioned to him that I had found a place that was willing to take him after he got out of MECCA he got really defensive. Basically the jest of what I got from him was that it is my fault that he is in there and maybe I should think about things a little more before I go sticking him in a place like that and I can make him do 30 days of treatment but I can't make him do anymore and he's not going to.
Then he got up and walked out on us. So I was left there, holding my son in shock. I couldn't go after him because kids are not allowed on the floor so I just packed Zack up and headed out. I tried to call him on the way home but what I got from him was that he was moving away as soon as he got out and he didn't really care if he ever saw his son again.
Then his sister tried to call him and he wouldn't even come to the phone. He finally called me back around 7:00 and apologized but was still very angry. He then asked me to bring Zack on Sunday to see him since he didn't get to see him much on Saturday.
I had not made up my mind as to whether I would do it or not when the phone rang on Sunday morning. It was him telling me that kids couldn't come visit that day so that made that choice easy for me. Later that afternoon I spoke with a family friend who's husband is in treatment right now. She basically told me that he went through MECCA twice and it is a joke.
So, knowing that I called Jake again last night to try to discuss with him how I was just wanting him to get help and didn't think MECCA would be enough. He went off on me again saying you can't make me do 6 months of treatment. However when I reminded him that the DHS lady thought he needed more than 30 days and so did the officer who was considering charging him with the theft of the trailer he said well than I guess I will have to do what I have to do.
I'm just angry and hurt right now. I want him to do the additional treatment but I want HIM to WANT to do it not to just do it because he HAS to do it. If he does it because he has to then he will go right back to drugs as soon as he gets the opportunity.
I just feel very lost right now. I think Jess is right, I miss the vision that I had of Jake as a father, I'm not sure I really miss what he was. I just need to get things straight in my head. So much of what I think I miss I'm not sure if is really something I ever had or something I just hoped to have. Does that make sense?
I'm not sure I know what it would be like to have a normal life with Jake but there is a part of me that desperately wants to find out. Then there is another part of me that is screaming for me to run while I can. My head is swimming and I am DESPERATELY trying to tread water before I drown.
I left work early on Saturday to go see Jake because he wanted to see Zack awake and I really wanted him to see Zack awake. His sister had seen him on Friday night and said he seemed good so I was excited that he would be in a good mood. He even called me right at 2:00 to see if I was there yet. However, that was the best thing that happened on that visit.
As soon as I mentioned to him that I had found a place that was willing to take him after he got out of MECCA he got really defensive. Basically the jest of what I got from him was that it is my fault that he is in there and maybe I should think about things a little more before I go sticking him in a place like that and I can make him do 30 days of treatment but I can't make him do anymore and he's not going to.
Then he got up and walked out on us. So I was left there, holding my son in shock. I couldn't go after him because kids are not allowed on the floor so I just packed Zack up and headed out. I tried to call him on the way home but what I got from him was that he was moving away as soon as he got out and he didn't really care if he ever saw his son again.
Then his sister tried to call him and he wouldn't even come to the phone. He finally called me back around 7:00 and apologized but was still very angry. He then asked me to bring Zack on Sunday to see him since he didn't get to see him much on Saturday.
I had not made up my mind as to whether I would do it or not when the phone rang on Sunday morning. It was him telling me that kids couldn't come visit that day so that made that choice easy for me. Later that afternoon I spoke with a family friend who's husband is in treatment right now. She basically told me that he went through MECCA twice and it is a joke.
So, knowing that I called Jake again last night to try to discuss with him how I was just wanting him to get help and didn't think MECCA would be enough. He went off on me again saying you can't make me do 6 months of treatment. However when I reminded him that the DHS lady thought he needed more than 30 days and so did the officer who was considering charging him with the theft of the trailer he said well than I guess I will have to do what I have to do.
I'm just angry and hurt right now. I want him to do the additional treatment but I want HIM to WANT to do it not to just do it because he HAS to do it. If he does it because he has to then he will go right back to drugs as soon as he gets the opportunity.
I just feel very lost right now. I think Jess is right, I miss the vision that I had of Jake as a father, I'm not sure I really miss what he was. I just need to get things straight in my head. So much of what I think I miss I'm not sure if is really something I ever had or something I just hoped to have. Does that make sense?
I'm not sure I know what it would be like to have a normal life with Jake but there is a part of me that desperately wants to find out. Then there is another part of me that is screaming for me to run while I can. My head is swimming and I am DESPERATELY trying to tread water before I drown.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Waiting...
That is really how I feel like I am living my life right now. Just waiting. For the most part I am waiting for the bottom to fall out. I seem to be keeping my shit together rather well and I can only imagine it is just a matter of time. After all, my husband is locked in a psych ward awaiting transfer to a treatment facility, my 11 week old son is recovering from bronchitis and tends to start coughing after a feeding and throw up his whole bottle requiring a re-feeding of another bottle, and to top it all off it is F***ing tax season.
Who the hell did I piss off?
I was e-mailing with a friend yesterday discussing how things were going and I mentioned to her the philosophy of how I was living my life right now. I just take each day as one step forward and I try not to get too far ahead of myself. I just have to wait and see where this path leads us.
To her that sounded like a foreign concept, but seriously people, if I try to look at the big picture right now I'm pretty sure I will end up in the psych ward along side of Jake. What I try to focus on are the little things I've accomplished. I will worry about the big picture later, like in five years or so when I look back and say how the hell did I do that?
For now, it is one day at a time. Little baby steps.
I have canceled Jake's general liability insurance (after all he has no job so he obviously doesn't need this)
I have canceled his car insurance (he won't be needing it for a few months)
I have bumped down our Directv to the basic package
I will be canceling his cell phone on Monday
I will be bumping our home phone down to basic on Monday (no I can't cancel it, I have this fear that I will fall down the stairs and will only be able to dial 911 and then will pass out and how will they find me if they can't track my address?)
I signed papers on a re-finance of my car loan last night (saving me $115 a month)
I have sold Jake's boat to offset some of the loss on the 4 wheeler
And finally, I have sold the 4 wheeler. Well, one way or another it is sold. If I don't sell it in the next week a friend of a friend offered to pay me $1,000 per month for three months.
So.. we are making progress people. One day at a time...
Who the hell did I piss off?
I was e-mailing with a friend yesterday discussing how things were going and I mentioned to her the philosophy of how I was living my life right now. I just take each day as one step forward and I try not to get too far ahead of myself. I just have to wait and see where this path leads us.
To her that sounded like a foreign concept, but seriously people, if I try to look at the big picture right now I'm pretty sure I will end up in the psych ward along side of Jake. What I try to focus on are the little things I've accomplished. I will worry about the big picture later, like in five years or so when I look back and say how the hell did I do that?
For now, it is one day at a time. Little baby steps.
I have canceled Jake's general liability insurance (after all he has no job so he obviously doesn't need this)
I have canceled his car insurance (he won't be needing it for a few months)
I have bumped down our Directv to the basic package
I will be canceling his cell phone on Monday
I will be bumping our home phone down to basic on Monday (no I can't cancel it, I have this fear that I will fall down the stairs and will only be able to dial 911 and then will pass out and how will they find me if they can't track my address?)
I signed papers on a re-finance of my car loan last night (saving me $115 a month)
I have sold Jake's boat to offset some of the loss on the 4 wheeler
And finally, I have sold the 4 wheeler. Well, one way or another it is sold. If I don't sell it in the next week a friend of a friend offered to pay me $1,000 per month for three months.
So.. we are making progress people. One day at a time...
Friday, March 30, 2007
Update
Today is a good day. I just got off the phone with a counselor from a long-term residential treatment program that may be a good fit for Jake. Up until this point I have not been able to find a program that was 3 - 6 months. Everyone I have talked to before is a 30 day program. For some reason that seems to be the norm in this state.
So... that means that we are having some success or at least progress in that area. Jake got word that he will be transferred to his first treatment program on the 13th. So, we had a few dark days this week as he grappled with the fact that he will be in the psych ward for another two weeks. However, once he got over his anger and moved into acceptance his attitude has gotten much better.
I took Zack to see him last night and he seemed to be in a really good mood. He has quit smoking and is working out now. He said he walks two miles with some of the other addicts and then is doing push ups and sit ups in his room before bed.
I spent most of yesterday in a dark place as well but I am starting to claw my way out. The visit with Jake helped. Seeing him positive about his treatment again gives me a lot more hope than I had earlier this week when I thought maybe we were all wasting our time. No matter how many people told me that he would go through a very angry stage I'm not sure I was really prepared for how ugly it was.
The other thing that is going well is that Zack is starting to feel much better. For the last three nights he has slept from 10 or 11 until 4 or 5. So that is GREAT for the both of us. He wakes up in a good mood and so do I. We are also starting to get the hang of getting ready in the mornings. For all of Jake's faults, he is PHENOMENAL with his son and was a huge help to me when he was there.
He would hold him and feed him and change him so having him to pass Zack to so I could shower or get the bottles washed or whatever saved me a lot of time. When my friend used to tell me how long it took her to get ready in the morning I used to laugh but now I understand. The first day it was like 2 1/2 hours. We now have it down to about an hour and a half or so depending on how many times I look around and think oh wait I need to do that....
So... that means that we are having some success or at least progress in that area. Jake got word that he will be transferred to his first treatment program on the 13th. So, we had a few dark days this week as he grappled with the fact that he will be in the psych ward for another two weeks. However, once he got over his anger and moved into acceptance his attitude has gotten much better.
I took Zack to see him last night and he seemed to be in a really good mood. He has quit smoking and is working out now. He said he walks two miles with some of the other addicts and then is doing push ups and sit ups in his room before bed.
I spent most of yesterday in a dark place as well but I am starting to claw my way out. The visit with Jake helped. Seeing him positive about his treatment again gives me a lot more hope than I had earlier this week when I thought maybe we were all wasting our time. No matter how many people told me that he would go through a very angry stage I'm not sure I was really prepared for how ugly it was.
The other thing that is going well is that Zack is starting to feel much better. For the last three nights he has slept from 10 or 11 until 4 or 5. So that is GREAT for the both of us. He wakes up in a good mood and so do I. We are also starting to get the hang of getting ready in the mornings. For all of Jake's faults, he is PHENOMENAL with his son and was a huge help to me when he was there.
He would hold him and feed him and change him so having him to pass Zack to so I could shower or get the bottles washed or whatever saved me a lot of time. When my friend used to tell me how long it took her to get ready in the morning I used to laugh but now I understand. The first day it was like 2 1/2 hours. We now have it down to about an hour and a half or so depending on how many times I look around and think oh wait I need to do that....
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Outside time
Last night I decided that I needed to take a little break and have some me and Zackary time. Jake has hit the angry stage in the treatment process and I think it has been as hard on me to have him be angry as it is on him to be there.
So, I left work at 5:00 and went to pick up Zack. I figured if anything could make me remember why we were doing this it would be him. Once we were home I decided to go outside and work on my flower beds. I have these flower things that came with the house and they are coming up so I want to try to clean out the dead debris before they get too large and it becomes harder.
So, outside Zack and I went. He has this outdoor play yard thing and it was 70 degrees so I figured the fresh air might be good for him. I started in at the west end of our flower bed and after about five minutes of listening to the dogs whine I decided to let them join us.
While I don't think the dogs would ever hurt Zack, they really haven't gained a lot in their depth perception so I really have to watch them lest they step on him or knock him around. So... first things first, Jack had to check to make sure Zack was alive and didn't have any stray food on his face:
Then Sadie had to take a look. She's a little calmer and didn't feel a good sniffing was really needed:
So, after I took the cute baby/dog pictures I went to put the camera down and was immediately drawn to something in our field. My mom had told me that they had brought some heifers down to our house but what she neglected to mention was what they had also brought down with the heifers.
BABIES!! We have baby cows!! And they are ADORABLE!! Well after I was distracted I started taking pictures of the dogs and the cats to take to Jake and then of course some more pictures of Zack and a few of the new railing on the house and all of the picture frames in our house that my friend put pictures in. (Hey they had only been empty frames for three and a half years... what's the rush)
So... needless to say my valiant effort at cleaning up the flower bed did not get finished. BUT... I did manage to have a much needed relaxing evening. And that was what I needed most of all.
So, I left work at 5:00 and went to pick up Zack. I figured if anything could make me remember why we were doing this it would be him. Once we were home I decided to go outside and work on my flower beds. I have these flower things that came with the house and they are coming up so I want to try to clean out the dead debris before they get too large and it becomes harder.
So, outside Zack and I went. He has this outdoor play yard thing and it was 70 degrees so I figured the fresh air might be good for him. I started in at the west end of our flower bed and after about five minutes of listening to the dogs whine I decided to let them join us.
While I don't think the dogs would ever hurt Zack, they really haven't gained a lot in their depth perception so I really have to watch them lest they step on him or knock him around. So... first things first, Jack had to check to make sure Zack was alive and didn't have any stray food on his face:
Then Sadie had to take a look. She's a little calmer and didn't feel a good sniffing was really needed:
So, after I took the cute baby/dog pictures I went to put the camera down and was immediately drawn to something in our field. My mom had told me that they had brought some heifers down to our house but what she neglected to mention was what they had also brought down with the heifers.
BABIES!! We have baby cows!! And they are ADORABLE!! Well after I was distracted I started taking pictures of the dogs and the cats to take to Jake and then of course some more pictures of Zack and a few of the new railing on the house and all of the picture frames in our house that my friend put pictures in. (Hey they had only been empty frames for three and a half years... what's the rush)So... needless to say my valiant effort at cleaning up the flower bed did not get finished. BUT... I did manage to have a much needed relaxing evening. And that was what I needed most of all.
Do you think I'm stupid??
At 4:36 am this morning Jake's cell phone rang. It was downstairs on vibrate. I missed it. When I listened to the message it said Jake this is Trinity give me a call. So... I text messaged him this morning.
Just about 15 minutes ago I got a text back:
Mmm Hmmm...... and the Easter Bunny lives with Santa Claus in Queens!!
Jake is in lockup getting his shit together and getting away from all you
druggies. I suggest you loose this number.
Just about 15 minutes ago I got a text back:
First of all not a drugie an i called 2 pay him 4 pickin me up
Mmm Hmmm...... and the Easter Bunny lives with Santa Claus in Queens!!
No luck
Well... the four wheeler didn't sell. I'm so bummed!! Not even one bid on mine or another one that was at that auction. So the auctioneer is going to take it to a local car dealership and see if they can get any inquiries there. Otherwise, do any of you know anyone who wants to buy a perfectly good four-wheeler? The MSRP is $3,799. It is only 2 months old and I'm only asking $3,250. Really... I'm sure you've got to know SOMEONE who wants to come to Iowa to save $550 on a four wheeler don't you?
Well... here's the information... just in case...
2007 Honda TRX250EX
MSRP $3,799
229cc air-cooled OHV longitudinally mounted single-cylinder four-stroke engine
Electric Starter with key ignition
Five-speed Transmission with reverse and Honda SportClutch
Independent double-wishbone front suspension
Swingarm with single shock rear suspension
Dry Weight : 360 lbs
MSRP $3,799
229cc air-cooled OHV longitudinally mounted single-cylinder four-stroke engine
Electric Starter with key ignition
Five-speed Transmission with reverse and Honda SportClutch
Independent double-wishbone front suspension
Swingarm with single shock rear suspension
Dry Weight : 360 lbs
Transferable 6 month limited warranty
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
4-wheeler
The four wheeler is being sold at auction today. I have WONDERFUL friends and one of them just happens to work for an auctioneer and offered to try to sell it and not charge me a commission.
Last night I rounded up all of the paperwork and discovered that there is an extended warranty on the 4 wheeler that I can cancel within 60 days and get my money back. Today is day 57. That will at least be $500 that I can recap since we owe $4,400 on it and will be lucky to sell it for $3,000 every little bit helps.
This morning I called the dealership:
"Hi, I would like to talk to someone about canceling an extended warranty."
"Okay, that would be me. Is there a reason that you want to cancel?"
"Well the 4 wheeler is going to be sold. As it is I am already going to loose my ass on the sale so I thought I should at least try to get the money back out of the warranty."
"And is there any particular reason that you want to cancel the warranty instead of sell it with the warranty."
"Why actually yes. You sold a 4 wheeler to a drug addict while he was high and now he is in a treatment facility and I have to liquidate his assets. The guy who is helping me sell it doesn't think I can get an additional $500 for the warranty so I want to get my money back."
Silence....
More silence...
"I'll get that processed for you right away."
Last night I rounded up all of the paperwork and discovered that there is an extended warranty on the 4 wheeler that I can cancel within 60 days and get my money back. Today is day 57. That will at least be $500 that I can recap since we owe $4,400 on it and will be lucky to sell it for $3,000 every little bit helps.
This morning I called the dealership:
"Hi, I would like to talk to someone about canceling an extended warranty."
"Okay, that would be me. Is there a reason that you want to cancel?"
"Well the 4 wheeler is going to be sold. As it is I am already going to loose my ass on the sale so I thought I should at least try to get the money back out of the warranty."
"And is there any particular reason that you want to cancel the warranty instead of sell it with the warranty."
"Why actually yes. You sold a 4 wheeler to a drug addict while he was high and now he is in a treatment facility and I have to liquidate his assets. The guy who is helping me sell it doesn't think I can get an additional $500 for the warranty so I want to get my money back."
Silence....
More silence...
"I'll get that processed for you right away."
DHS
The DHS visit was a joke. I'm not sure how much I can divulge here because I don't want someone stumbling upon here and me causing more problems for myself. So let's just suffice it to say that I am not being investigated. I do not have to drop a UA, Zack does not have to go to the doctor, and she didn't even look at any aspects of my house except to walk in and sit on the couch.
She was 15 minutes late, asked me one question about the circumstances involving Jake leaving the home and told me that she would have to check with her supervisor to see what the next step is since he won't be coming back right away.
Short, sweet, and to the point. All that worrying for nothing.
She was 15 minutes late, asked me one question about the circumstances involving Jake leaving the home and told me that she would have to check with her supervisor to see what the next step is since he won't be coming back right away.
Short, sweet, and to the point. All that worrying for nothing.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Winds of Change
"It's okay that mommy has to sell all of my stuff. I don't need it anyway. All I need is you and mommy. Besides when I get out we will just get new stuff. Bigger and better stuff because daddy is going to get a really good job because he won't have to worry about taking a drug test."
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Fan F**king-tabulous....
You know, I am not usually one to cuss. In fact if you look back in this blog I have probably only used cuss words a handful of times. But people... this is one of those times!!
Today has been LONG!! Long and FULL of disappointments!! Let's start at the beginning, the very beginning, like oh say two o'clock this morning when my son woke up coughing. I tried to feed him thinking he was hungry but he just kept spitting the milk out. I knew that he had not eaten since 7:00 last night and I could hear his stomach rumbling but he would try to suck and he would just cough and then spit out the milk.
I tried three different bottles and three different flow nipples trying to find something that would allow him to get some nourishment into his little body. Nothing worked. Finally I took a baby syringe and was dripping milk into his mouth. I managed to get a half and ounce or so into him but he was still coughing and spitting and I finally decided enough was enough.
At three thirty I put him in his car seat and called my mom to tell her I was taking him to blank. It was about that time that he started to cough and everything that I had gotten him to swallow came back up.
So off to the emergency room we went. The verdict, Zack has bronchitis. They gave him a nebulizer treatment and we got him to eat about four ounces there and so they sent us home with a nebulizer. We got in the car a little before six and we were about 5 minutes from the hospital when I heard him choking. I pulled over real quick and saw that he had thrown up all four ounces down his front.
Okay... no luck there. So off we go to find a 24 hour pharmacy to get his medicine. I tried the ones in our town but had no luck so I had to go into Des Moines to find a Walgreens. We got out of Walgreens at 7:00 and I had to get Zack to daycare and be at Jake's court hearing by 8:30.
So I rushed home and changed and made it to the daycare at about 8:00. I basically threw him at the teachers and gave them a brief play by play of the nebulizer and such and off I went. I arrived at court right before 8:30.
Court was supposed to begin at 9:00 and they had told us to be there early so Molly and I sat in the waiting room and waited. And then we waited... oh yes and then we waited some more.
TEN THIRTY they came and got us. TEN THIRTY people!! I rushed around for NOTHING!! When we got into the court room we were talking with the lawyers and found out that the treatment center in Mt. Pleasant where we wanted Jake to go won't take him because he's on medicine. SO, now he gets to go to MECCA which is not as great.
Strike one.
And he may have to go to the MECCA in Des Moines, which is not as great as the one in Iowa City.
Strike two.
And the state will only commit him for 7 - 30 days even though his doctor said he needs 3 to six months. As the lawyers told us it is either this or nothing which would you prefer.
Strike three.
FAN F*CKING-TABULOUS!!!
So now I have to find a place that we can transfer him to once he gets out. AND I will have to figure out how we are going to pay for this place that we transfer him to. However, like I told Jake there is no point in him just doing the 30 days and then coming out and relapsing. That would just be a waste of everyone's time, effort and money. If we are going to do this, we need to make sure that we do it right.
So, about 11:30 I finally make it to work on my two hours of sleep. I got in and had JUST sat down at my computer when I noticed the server was beeping and our e-mail wasn't working right. So I went over to see what was wrong and noticed the e-mail system had crashed. So I tried to fix it with no luck and ended up having to reboot the entire server.
As soon as I finished that I decided I needed some lunch. I went to lunch with a co-worker and as soon as I got back I got a message that Zack had a fever and that they had only gotten two ounces in him all day (it was almost one by this point) and so my mom had gone and picked him up.
I called the doctor and they told me that I needed to take him back to the hospital so off I went to meet my mom in the ER once again. As I was walking out the door someone stopped me and said the e-mail was not working again. I caught one of the other tech guys and asked him to look at it as I bolted for the elevator.
When my mom pulled up to the ER I immediately noticed that all two ounces Zack had taken this morning were down his front so I was glad we were there. They gave him some anti-nausea medicine and then took some blood and gave him another nebulizer treatment.
After all of that we were able to get about three ounces in him and thought we were doing good until the nurse came back and told us that his potassium levels were high. SO... they had to take blood again and this time they were going to put and IV in so that if his levels came back still high they didn't have to poke him a third time.
It was at this point that I lost it. He cried and I cried as two nurses held him down to place the IV. They got the blood they needed but ended up bending the IV and had to remove it. Then it was more waiting.
Finally about 45 minutes later they came back and said that his levels were okay and they were discharging us.
At this point all I wanted to do was fall into bed. BUT NO... the DHS lady is coming tomorrow and so my mom and aunt thought that I should probably clean up my house before she got there so about 6:30 they showed up to help and they didn't leave until 9:30. At which time things had been picked up... but not really cleaned. (YES... my house was THAT bad!!)
When they left both back seats of my mom's tahoe were full of clothes. Katie and Jess are coming tomorrow to do the actual cleaning while I am at work. Someone just shoot me now!!
Today has been LONG!! Long and FULL of disappointments!! Let's start at the beginning, the very beginning, like oh say two o'clock this morning when my son woke up coughing. I tried to feed him thinking he was hungry but he just kept spitting the milk out. I knew that he had not eaten since 7:00 last night and I could hear his stomach rumbling but he would try to suck and he would just cough and then spit out the milk.
I tried three different bottles and three different flow nipples trying to find something that would allow him to get some nourishment into his little body. Nothing worked. Finally I took a baby syringe and was dripping milk into his mouth. I managed to get a half and ounce or so into him but he was still coughing and spitting and I finally decided enough was enough.
At three thirty I put him in his car seat and called my mom to tell her I was taking him to blank. It was about that time that he started to cough and everything that I had gotten him to swallow came back up.
So off to the emergency room we went. The verdict, Zack has bronchitis. They gave him a nebulizer treatment and we got him to eat about four ounces there and so they sent us home with a nebulizer. We got in the car a little before six and we were about 5 minutes from the hospital when I heard him choking. I pulled over real quick and saw that he had thrown up all four ounces down his front.
Okay... no luck there. So off we go to find a 24 hour pharmacy to get his medicine. I tried the ones in our town but had no luck so I had to go into Des Moines to find a Walgreens. We got out of Walgreens at 7:00 and I had to get Zack to daycare and be at Jake's court hearing by 8:30.
So I rushed home and changed and made it to the daycare at about 8:00. I basically threw him at the teachers and gave them a brief play by play of the nebulizer and such and off I went. I arrived at court right before 8:30.
Court was supposed to begin at 9:00 and they had told us to be there early so Molly and I sat in the waiting room and waited. And then we waited... oh yes and then we waited some more.
TEN THIRTY they came and got us. TEN THIRTY people!! I rushed around for NOTHING!! When we got into the court room we were talking with the lawyers and found out that the treatment center in Mt. Pleasant where we wanted Jake to go won't take him because he's on medicine. SO, now he gets to go to MECCA which is not as great.
Strike one.
And he may have to go to the MECCA in Des Moines, which is not as great as the one in Iowa City.
Strike two.
And the state will only commit him for 7 - 30 days even though his doctor said he needs 3 to six months. As the lawyers told us it is either this or nothing which would you prefer.
Strike three.
FAN F*CKING-TABULOUS!!!
So now I have to find a place that we can transfer him to once he gets out. AND I will have to figure out how we are going to pay for this place that we transfer him to. However, like I told Jake there is no point in him just doing the 30 days and then coming out and relapsing. That would just be a waste of everyone's time, effort and money. If we are going to do this, we need to make sure that we do it right.
So, about 11:30 I finally make it to work on my two hours of sleep. I got in and had JUST sat down at my computer when I noticed the server was beeping and our e-mail wasn't working right. So I went over to see what was wrong and noticed the e-mail system had crashed. So I tried to fix it with no luck and ended up having to reboot the entire server.
As soon as I finished that I decided I needed some lunch. I went to lunch with a co-worker and as soon as I got back I got a message that Zack had a fever and that they had only gotten two ounces in him all day (it was almost one by this point) and so my mom had gone and picked him up.
I called the doctor and they told me that I needed to take him back to the hospital so off I went to meet my mom in the ER once again. As I was walking out the door someone stopped me and said the e-mail was not working again. I caught one of the other tech guys and asked him to look at it as I bolted for the elevator.
When my mom pulled up to the ER I immediately noticed that all two ounces Zack had taken this morning were down his front so I was glad we were there. They gave him some anti-nausea medicine and then took some blood and gave him another nebulizer treatment.
After all of that we were able to get about three ounces in him and thought we were doing good until the nurse came back and told us that his potassium levels were high. SO... they had to take blood again and this time they were going to put and IV in so that if his levels came back still high they didn't have to poke him a third time.
It was at this point that I lost it. He cried and I cried as two nurses held him down to place the IV. They got the blood they needed but ended up bending the IV and had to remove it. Then it was more waiting.
Finally about 45 minutes later they came back and said that his levels were okay and they were discharging us.
At this point all I wanted to do was fall into bed. BUT NO... the DHS lady is coming tomorrow and so my mom and aunt thought that I should probably clean up my house before she got there so about 6:30 they showed up to help and they didn't leave until 9:30. At which time things had been picked up... but not really cleaned. (YES... my house was THAT bad!!)
When they left both back seats of my mom's tahoe were full of clothes. Katie and Jess are coming tomorrow to do the actual cleaning while I am at work. Someone just shoot me now!!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Why I love my job....
So... at 3:00 this afternoon my boss pulled me into his office and closed the door. All I could think of was oh shit my job performance has been slipping and he's going to talk to me about it.
After he sat down he said I want to talk to you about what's been going on. I want you to know that if you need anything don't be afraid to ask. Do you need money? If you need to take time off don't feel like you can't because you don't have any personal time left. We will still pay you and this will not affect your raise, etc.
Holy hell!! I have no idea who tipped him off. I'm guessing either someone from my work reads my blog or they picked up on it from one of my 10,000 phone conversations this week. I can only imagine what my cell phone bill will be!!
So... needless to say I will NOT be looking for anything different any time soon. I have always told everyone that I had a great job and I have never looked for anything different because I like where I'm at but this REALLY solidifies that.
Any job that is willing to put the well being of their employees ahead of their own bottom line is the job that I want to be at!!
After he sat down he said I want to talk to you about what's been going on. I want you to know that if you need anything don't be afraid to ask. Do you need money? If you need to take time off don't feel like you can't because you don't have any personal time left. We will still pay you and this will not affect your raise, etc.
Holy hell!! I have no idea who tipped him off. I'm guessing either someone from my work reads my blog or they picked up on it from one of my 10,000 phone conversations this week. I can only imagine what my cell phone bill will be!!
So... needless to say I will NOT be looking for anything different any time soon. I have always told everyone that I had a great job and I have never looked for anything different because I like where I'm at but this REALLY solidifies that.
Any job that is willing to put the well being of their employees ahead of their own bottom line is the job that I want to be at!!
Angry
That's where I am at today. They say there are different stages to processing any crisis situation. The stage I have now made it to is anger. Anger and frustration.
Last night I got home and there was a card in my door from DHS. They are investigating my home because of Jake. I don't have to be drug tested and it's not a formal investigation or anything it's just that any time meth is involved they have to go to the home and make sure the children are ok.
So... now I have to take him to a doctor to make sure they approve of the fact that he is fine and then I have to deal with being scrutinized. It makes me very angry that I have to fight to keep my son.
Last night I also went and visited Jake with his sister. I know that it is still early in the process and I know that it is going to take awhile but he asked about his four wheeler. That makes me angry. Of all the things he is fighting to keep you would think that a four wheeler would be VERY far down the list. Yet he asked if I was going to sell it.
It makes me very angry that I am on the outside fighting to keep my family together and fighting to keep my head above water with all the debt I have been left with and he is worried about a god damn four wheeler.
Speaking of debt... over the past couple of months our debt has gone from $9,000 at the beginning of December to $23,500 now. Why you ask? Well he wrecked a jeep, and then he wrecked another jeep and then he stole from me and then he didn't work and we had to borrow money. OH... and then he decided he needed to go out and buy a four wheeler!!
It makes me very angry that I am here swimming in debt because he couldn't get his SHIT together and he is there, watching TV and sleeping all day.
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand
One day at a time... I can do this.
Last night I got home and there was a card in my door from DHS. They are investigating my home because of Jake. I don't have to be drug tested and it's not a formal investigation or anything it's just that any time meth is involved they have to go to the home and make sure the children are ok.
So... now I have to take him to a doctor to make sure they approve of the fact that he is fine and then I have to deal with being scrutinized. It makes me very angry that I have to fight to keep my son.
Last night I also went and visited Jake with his sister. I know that it is still early in the process and I know that it is going to take awhile but he asked about his four wheeler. That makes me angry. Of all the things he is fighting to keep you would think that a four wheeler would be VERY far down the list. Yet he asked if I was going to sell it.
It makes me very angry that I am on the outside fighting to keep my family together and fighting to keep my head above water with all the debt I have been left with and he is worried about a god damn four wheeler.
Speaking of debt... over the past couple of months our debt has gone from $9,000 at the beginning of December to $23,500 now. Why you ask? Well he wrecked a jeep, and then he wrecked another jeep and then he stole from me and then he didn't work and we had to borrow money. OH... and then he decided he needed to go out and buy a four wheeler!!
It makes me very angry that I am here swimming in debt because he couldn't get his SHIT together and he is there, watching TV and sleeping all day.
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand
One day at a time... I can do this.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Changes
Last night I committed my husband.
Wow... it seems really strange to say that. I went to the court house, I got a court order, and some friends and I tracked him down and had the police haul him away. Boy doesn't my life suck?
As for why I'm saying this here. First of all this has always been the place where I find solice. I am able to write down what I'm feeling and for the most part feel pretty un-judged about it. If people don't like what I have to say they don't comment and if they do then they leave wonderful feedback. Speaking of which, please leave comments if you can. In fact tell your friends to tell their friends to leave comments. I could use all the positive feedback I can right now. This is going to be a long road.
Secondly, this is my life and my story. I know that a lot of people don't agree with me airing my dirty laundry but people it is my laundry. I have ALWAYS lived by the motto that you can't be embarrassed of your life. If you are than you should change it. I take each day as it comes and I make each decision one at a time. Once I make one I do not look back. If I have regrets than I should have made different choices.
People have often asked me how I live my life like this and I can't exactly explain it. I just know that dwelling in a past that you can't change has never done anyone any good. You can only change the future.
So with that said, let's start at the beginning....
Hi, my name is Heather and my husband is a drug addict.
I have known this for pretty much the entire time I have been with him. Ten years, six months and 6 days. I found out in the way a lot of people find out who have their heads in the sand. Jake was busted. I was 16 and he was 15. He got caught smoking pot in the school bathroom.
From there it has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. There have been periods of time where he has been clean. Some as long as six or nine months. But inevitably he always goes back and each time he does the drug he chooses seems to get worse and worse.
Remember back last May when I told you Jake got laid off from his job. He didn't. I lie well to cover up for him. I've had 10 years of practice. What really happened was that he failed a drug test and when they asked him to take another one to prove that the levels in his system were coming down and that he was going to get and stay clean he refused.
Remember what I said about finding out only after they get busted. That was the same here. As is often the case with me. I begin to notice signs but never have any real proof and so I brush them aside until I am slapped in the face with something real and overwhelming.
This time was about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant with Zack. It is amazing to me to sit and look at my little boy and know that he was born healthy despite the hellish time I had the whole time I was pregnant. The summer was filled with days he would be home and nights where he wouldn't. Things would be good for a few weeks and then all of the sudden he just wouldn't come home one night.
When we graduated into the fall things started to get better. I was showing and the pregnancy seemed a little more real to him. However sometime in the early winter it all went terribly wrong again. I found out he was stealing money from his family and then in early January about a week before Zack was born I found out he was stealing from me.
Since that point things have quickly spiraled out of control. I spent much of my time in the hospital alone. Jake always had "errands" to run and somehow they always took longer than he had planned. I suppose I knew then what he was doing but everyone had told me how much having a child would change him. So I figured I needed to give him a couple of weeks to bond with his son and then see how things went.
My husband missed the entire fourth week of my son's life. That's how it went. Every weekend from the time Zack was born Jake disappeared for at least one night. Then the weekend after Zack turned three weeks he just never came back. One day passed, then two and three and four. Finally before I knew it was Friday.
I went to dinner with my mom and when I got done I found myself SO angry that I knew I had to find him at all costs. It took a couple of phone calls and a couple of people who ratted him out but I found him. However he went into someones house and refused to come out so I ended up going home.
The next day he was home. That was February 10th. I was at his mom's house getting ready for his nephew's first birthday party. He missed it. In fact he missed most of that weekend as he slept off all of the drugs in his system.
After that I took his jeep. It had the front end damage and so we didn't think it should be driven anyway. For some reason I have always thought that if I just restrict where he goes it will make it better. It doesn't. All it does is prolong the inevitable.
That next weekend it snowed. He had to have his jeep back to do snow removal and once he had it back he had no intention of giving me the keys ever again. By Saturday night he was gone again. I got home at 8:00 from his nephews second first birthday party and promptly fell into bed. When I awoke at 10:00 he was gone.
He called the next morning about 6:30 claiming he had been stuck in the mud while he was chasing coyotes and since his phone was dead he couldn't call anyone. This was the incident which found him ripping the transmission out of a jeep we had had for two weeks. Since the transmission was broken I chose to believe the story and he came back.
I honestly don't remember what happened on Sunday to make him leave but I'm sure he had some excuse about where he had to be or what he had to be doing. I think he told me he wanted to go work on his jeep. Either way he didn't come home and it was Monday night before I saw him again.
Once again I ventured out and made some phone calls and once again I tracked him down. AND OF COURSE... once again he ended up in someone's house and wouldn't come out so once again I came home. The next day his boss needed him to come to work so I dropped Zack off with a friend and out I went trying to find him. I finally tracked him down and was told that he would be home. At 6:30 he finally showed up.
The next day I decided that there needed to be some changes. Our plan was to commit him then and to this day I am kicking myself for not doing it!! Instead his sister came over and tried to convince him to go himself to get treatment. He refused saying he could do it on his own and she thought she should give him a try.
So Jake stayed home. He stayed at our house and I told him the following two phrases.
"I have gone to these people's houses twice now to track you down and bring you home. I will not do it a third time. If it happens again I will send someone bigger and badder than me."
"If I catch you at their houses again I will have you arrested or committed, it is just a matter of who gets to you first."
And then I prayed. I prayed that I would not have to follow through on my threats and for three weeks it looked like it was working. For three weeks he was home. All last week he picked up Zack from daycare and it looked like they were bonding and things were going well and then this weekend something happened.
I will never know what. I am not a drug addict. I have never even been drunk in my life and I have never even smoked a cigarette so I have NO idea what it feels like to have a craving. However, from talking to the counselors I have gathered that it is an over powering feeling and that you don't think about anything else but getting your fix.
From what they have told me it is not that an addict purposely hurts people they just do what they need to do to get their next high and if that means stealing or lying or whatever they are going to do it. So, when he didn't come home on Friday night I knew I was probably in trouble. On Saturday I had to work and then I had a girls night planned. I knew that he was going to be with a friend of ours so I figured he and Zack would be pretty safe when I went out.
Saturday night he gave me another story and off he went. However, every time I called him he answered the phone. It was different than all the other times he was gone and a part of me was hoping that his story about helping out a friend was true.
Sunday was the final straw. The day that I will forever kick myself for. I had to work on Sunday and Jake was supposed to watch Zack. Never before has he ever taken him anywhere or done anything with him to make me think that Zack would EVER be in any danger. For Jake drugs have always been a night time thing and so I have never really worried about him during the day.
Sunday he decided to break that streak.
Excuse me while I take a brief break to collect my thoughts... writing this down has been harder than I thought it would be. I love my husband, I wouldn't be here if I didn't, but the decisions that he made could have really had some bad consequences. And it hurts. I'm very objective about Jake. I make a decision and I move forward. I don't waller, I don't cry and to most people it looks like I am incredibly strong. I have been trained this way.
Don't take my lack of blubbering on to be a lack of emotion. It's just that falling apart right now is not going to help me keep my job, my house, or my son. It's only going to be me... falling apart.
Okay... back to Sunday. Sunday morning before I left Jake and I had the standard conversation. Do not even THINK about taking your son anywhere where he could be in danger. Stay home, call me if you need anything, I'll be back by noon. To which all of it was answered, "You know I would NEVER do anything to put Zack in danger. I love my son."
Sometime around 8:00 on Sunday morning Jake stopped answering his phone and my heart SANK!! Panic ensued but I tried to stay calm. Finally about 8:45 he answered again and he was at home because I could hear the dogs in the background. He told me he had just run up to Wal-mart and he was back. I asked how Zack was doing and he told me that he had changed him into a cute outfit (which he NEVER does) and that he was doing just fine.
By 11:00 I just had a feeling I needed to go home and so off I went. I knew something was wrong immediately. I opened the door and heard a rumbling upstairs. Then Jake came running down the stairs and immediately went to the couch and grabbed something up and put it in his pocket. I could tell right away that he had done some drug. I could see it in his eyes and the way he talked to me.
I immediately told him he needed to leave and he did. And that my friends is how we got to this point. He put me in the position that I either had to make good on my threat or be the woman who forever just made empty threats. I started with the police.
Since it's an on-going case I don't want to say too much about the circumstances just that I let them have access to my garage to look at an item of property that may have been stolen. They took it on Monday morning. They have yet to figure out if it is stolen but it is no longer at my house so that is alright with me.
After that I went for the commitment. When Jake called me on Monday he said he was going to check himself into rehab. I didn't hold my breath. By Monday night the story I got was that he needed a couple of days to clear his head and then he would do it. Tuesday morning we signed the papers.
After that it was just a matter of finding him. Luckily I have a friend who volunteered to help me. I will never be able to repay the kindness that this friend has showed me. I can only say that he has taken me and Zack under his wing and vowed to help us and make sure that we were safe. At 5:00 he called me and said he was out looking. He had no luck.
Than about 6:00 I got a tip that he was seen at a motel with the word Red in the name. Even though my friend was at home he jumped back in his vehicle with his wife and was out looking again. By 6:45 I got a call that they had found him.
Things after that moved pretty quickly. The police came, the pulled Jake out, they took him to treatment. In the room was drugs and a prostitute. He claims they didn't sleep together, she was just there for the drugs. She claims they didn't sleep together, she was just there for the drugs. Druggies are liers. I will never know the truth and quite frankly I don't care. My husband has a disease and what is most important right now is to get him help. We will figure the rest out at a later date.
So, there you have it... all the gorey details. Please, if you have any compassion for me do not take this opportunity to bash Jake in the comments. As I have said before I love my husband and he is very sick. As it looks right now he will be gone for a few months getting his ducks in a row and where we go from there is our decision... not yours.
I don't need to be judged for my decisions nor do I need to be lectured for them. I just need to tell people so that 1) if there is anyone else out there going through something similar they know that they are not alone and 2) because it makes me feel better.
For now I'm just going to take it one day at a time. There is a song by Rascal Flatts that I am taking my inspiration from. It is called Stand and there is a part in the song that says
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand
That's where I'm at. I'm picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying to stand strong for myself and my son. Chances are that if Jake is gone for more than a month we will have to sell our house and possibly some of our other things but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. We have enough between our tax refund and our savings to make it until about the end of April. That will get me through tax season and let me take a couple of weeks to sort through it all.
One day at a time....
Wow... it seems really strange to say that. I went to the court house, I got a court order, and some friends and I tracked him down and had the police haul him away. Boy doesn't my life suck?
As for why I'm saying this here. First of all this has always been the place where I find solice. I am able to write down what I'm feeling and for the most part feel pretty un-judged about it. If people don't like what I have to say they don't comment and if they do then they leave wonderful feedback. Speaking of which, please leave comments if you can. In fact tell your friends to tell their friends to leave comments. I could use all the positive feedback I can right now. This is going to be a long road.
Secondly, this is my life and my story. I know that a lot of people don't agree with me airing my dirty laundry but people it is my laundry. I have ALWAYS lived by the motto that you can't be embarrassed of your life. If you are than you should change it. I take each day as it comes and I make each decision one at a time. Once I make one I do not look back. If I have regrets than I should have made different choices.
People have often asked me how I live my life like this and I can't exactly explain it. I just know that dwelling in a past that you can't change has never done anyone any good. You can only change the future.
So with that said, let's start at the beginning....
Hi, my name is Heather and my husband is a drug addict.
I have known this for pretty much the entire time I have been with him. Ten years, six months and 6 days. I found out in the way a lot of people find out who have their heads in the sand. Jake was busted. I was 16 and he was 15. He got caught smoking pot in the school bathroom.
From there it has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. There have been periods of time where he has been clean. Some as long as six or nine months. But inevitably he always goes back and each time he does the drug he chooses seems to get worse and worse.
Remember back last May when I told you Jake got laid off from his job. He didn't. I lie well to cover up for him. I've had 10 years of practice. What really happened was that he failed a drug test and when they asked him to take another one to prove that the levels in his system were coming down and that he was going to get and stay clean he refused.
Remember what I said about finding out only after they get busted. That was the same here. As is often the case with me. I begin to notice signs but never have any real proof and so I brush them aside until I am slapped in the face with something real and overwhelming.
This time was about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant with Zack. It is amazing to me to sit and look at my little boy and know that he was born healthy despite the hellish time I had the whole time I was pregnant. The summer was filled with days he would be home and nights where he wouldn't. Things would be good for a few weeks and then all of the sudden he just wouldn't come home one night.
When we graduated into the fall things started to get better. I was showing and the pregnancy seemed a little more real to him. However sometime in the early winter it all went terribly wrong again. I found out he was stealing money from his family and then in early January about a week before Zack was born I found out he was stealing from me.
Since that point things have quickly spiraled out of control. I spent much of my time in the hospital alone. Jake always had "errands" to run and somehow they always took longer than he had planned. I suppose I knew then what he was doing but everyone had told me how much having a child would change him. So I figured I needed to give him a couple of weeks to bond with his son and then see how things went.
My husband missed the entire fourth week of my son's life. That's how it went. Every weekend from the time Zack was born Jake disappeared for at least one night. Then the weekend after Zack turned three weeks he just never came back. One day passed, then two and three and four. Finally before I knew it was Friday.
I went to dinner with my mom and when I got done I found myself SO angry that I knew I had to find him at all costs. It took a couple of phone calls and a couple of people who ratted him out but I found him. However he went into someones house and refused to come out so I ended up going home.
The next day he was home. That was February 10th. I was at his mom's house getting ready for his nephew's first birthday party. He missed it. In fact he missed most of that weekend as he slept off all of the drugs in his system.
After that I took his jeep. It had the front end damage and so we didn't think it should be driven anyway. For some reason I have always thought that if I just restrict where he goes it will make it better. It doesn't. All it does is prolong the inevitable.
That next weekend it snowed. He had to have his jeep back to do snow removal and once he had it back he had no intention of giving me the keys ever again. By Saturday night he was gone again. I got home at 8:00 from his nephews second first birthday party and promptly fell into bed. When I awoke at 10:00 he was gone.
He called the next morning about 6:30 claiming he had been stuck in the mud while he was chasing coyotes and since his phone was dead he couldn't call anyone. This was the incident which found him ripping the transmission out of a jeep we had had for two weeks. Since the transmission was broken I chose to believe the story and he came back.
I honestly don't remember what happened on Sunday to make him leave but I'm sure he had some excuse about where he had to be or what he had to be doing. I think he told me he wanted to go work on his jeep. Either way he didn't come home and it was Monday night before I saw him again.
Once again I ventured out and made some phone calls and once again I tracked him down. AND OF COURSE... once again he ended up in someone's house and wouldn't come out so once again I came home. The next day his boss needed him to come to work so I dropped Zack off with a friend and out I went trying to find him. I finally tracked him down and was told that he would be home. At 6:30 he finally showed up.
The next day I decided that there needed to be some changes. Our plan was to commit him then and to this day I am kicking myself for not doing it!! Instead his sister came over and tried to convince him to go himself to get treatment. He refused saying he could do it on his own and she thought she should give him a try.
So Jake stayed home. He stayed at our house and I told him the following two phrases.
"I have gone to these people's houses twice now to track you down and bring you home. I will not do it a third time. If it happens again I will send someone bigger and badder than me."
"If I catch you at their houses again I will have you arrested or committed, it is just a matter of who gets to you first."
And then I prayed. I prayed that I would not have to follow through on my threats and for three weeks it looked like it was working. For three weeks he was home. All last week he picked up Zack from daycare and it looked like they were bonding and things were going well and then this weekend something happened.
I will never know what. I am not a drug addict. I have never even been drunk in my life and I have never even smoked a cigarette so I have NO idea what it feels like to have a craving. However, from talking to the counselors I have gathered that it is an over powering feeling and that you don't think about anything else but getting your fix.
From what they have told me it is not that an addict purposely hurts people they just do what they need to do to get their next high and if that means stealing or lying or whatever they are going to do it. So, when he didn't come home on Friday night I knew I was probably in trouble. On Saturday I had to work and then I had a girls night planned. I knew that he was going to be with a friend of ours so I figured he and Zack would be pretty safe when I went out.
Saturday night he gave me another story and off he went. However, every time I called him he answered the phone. It was different than all the other times he was gone and a part of me was hoping that his story about helping out a friend was true.
Sunday was the final straw. The day that I will forever kick myself for. I had to work on Sunday and Jake was supposed to watch Zack. Never before has he ever taken him anywhere or done anything with him to make me think that Zack would EVER be in any danger. For Jake drugs have always been a night time thing and so I have never really worried about him during the day.
Sunday he decided to break that streak.
Excuse me while I take a brief break to collect my thoughts... writing this down has been harder than I thought it would be. I love my husband, I wouldn't be here if I didn't, but the decisions that he made could have really had some bad consequences. And it hurts. I'm very objective about Jake. I make a decision and I move forward. I don't waller, I don't cry and to most people it looks like I am incredibly strong. I have been trained this way.
Don't take my lack of blubbering on to be a lack of emotion. It's just that falling apart right now is not going to help me keep my job, my house, or my son. It's only going to be me... falling apart.
Okay... back to Sunday. Sunday morning before I left Jake and I had the standard conversation. Do not even THINK about taking your son anywhere where he could be in danger. Stay home, call me if you need anything, I'll be back by noon. To which all of it was answered, "You know I would NEVER do anything to put Zack in danger. I love my son."
Sometime around 8:00 on Sunday morning Jake stopped answering his phone and my heart SANK!! Panic ensued but I tried to stay calm. Finally about 8:45 he answered again and he was at home because I could hear the dogs in the background. He told me he had just run up to Wal-mart and he was back. I asked how Zack was doing and he told me that he had changed him into a cute outfit (which he NEVER does) and that he was doing just fine.
By 11:00 I just had a feeling I needed to go home and so off I went. I knew something was wrong immediately. I opened the door and heard a rumbling upstairs. Then Jake came running down the stairs and immediately went to the couch and grabbed something up and put it in his pocket. I could tell right away that he had done some drug. I could see it in his eyes and the way he talked to me.
I immediately told him he needed to leave and he did. And that my friends is how we got to this point. He put me in the position that I either had to make good on my threat or be the woman who forever just made empty threats. I started with the police.
Since it's an on-going case I don't want to say too much about the circumstances just that I let them have access to my garage to look at an item of property that may have been stolen. They took it on Monday morning. They have yet to figure out if it is stolen but it is no longer at my house so that is alright with me.
After that I went for the commitment. When Jake called me on Monday he said he was going to check himself into rehab. I didn't hold my breath. By Monday night the story I got was that he needed a couple of days to clear his head and then he would do it. Tuesday morning we signed the papers.
After that it was just a matter of finding him. Luckily I have a friend who volunteered to help me. I will never be able to repay the kindness that this friend has showed me. I can only say that he has taken me and Zack under his wing and vowed to help us and make sure that we were safe. At 5:00 he called me and said he was out looking. He had no luck.
Than about 6:00 I got a tip that he was seen at a motel with the word Red in the name. Even though my friend was at home he jumped back in his vehicle with his wife and was out looking again. By 6:45 I got a call that they had found him.
Things after that moved pretty quickly. The police came, the pulled Jake out, they took him to treatment. In the room was drugs and a prostitute. He claims they didn't sleep together, she was just there for the drugs. She claims they didn't sleep together, she was just there for the drugs. Druggies are liers. I will never know the truth and quite frankly I don't care. My husband has a disease and what is most important right now is to get him help. We will figure the rest out at a later date.
So, there you have it... all the gorey details. Please, if you have any compassion for me do not take this opportunity to bash Jake in the comments. As I have said before I love my husband and he is very sick. As it looks right now he will be gone for a few months getting his ducks in a row and where we go from there is our decision... not yours.
I don't need to be judged for my decisions nor do I need to be lectured for them. I just need to tell people so that 1) if there is anyone else out there going through something similar they know that they are not alone and 2) because it makes me feel better.
For now I'm just going to take it one day at a time. There is a song by Rascal Flatts that I am taking my inspiration from. It is called Stand and there is a part in the song that says
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand
That's where I'm at. I'm picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying to stand strong for myself and my son. Chances are that if Jake is gone for more than a month we will have to sell our house and possibly some of our other things but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. We have enough between our tax refund and our savings to make it until about the end of April. That will get me through tax season and let me take a couple of weeks to sort through it all.
One day at a time....
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Cross at your own risk
Dear Pedestrians:
I realize that you have the right of way but do you think that it is always smart to count on that as your sole reason for stepping into traffic without so much as a glance to see what is coming down the street?
Look, chances are I will make every effort to avoid hitting you (it just depends on the night I've had) but really... why tempt fate? After all I am going on VERY little sleep because last night my son decided to go to bed late and then get up twice in the night because he was just STARVING and I needed to feed him NOW!! So even though I may want to stop my reaction time may be a little delayed.
That said, no, a stop sign is not acceptable justification. See above explanation. Just because I have one doesn't mean I will see it or stop in time to avoid ending up half in the cross walk.
Finally, if there is a long line of cars and people continue to cross eventually one of us will get angry and forget that we are not in a video game where there are points given for each pedestrian. Really....save my paint job and your legs and just take 5 seconds to pause at the edge of the road and look both ways.
Thank you kindly,
Woman With Mild Road Rage
I realize that you have the right of way but do you think that it is always smart to count on that as your sole reason for stepping into traffic without so much as a glance to see what is coming down the street?
Look, chances are I will make every effort to avoid hitting you (it just depends on the night I've had) but really... why tempt fate? After all I am going on VERY little sleep because last night my son decided to go to bed late and then get up twice in the night because he was just STARVING and I needed to feed him NOW!! So even though I may want to stop my reaction time may be a little delayed.
That said, no, a stop sign is not acceptable justification. See above explanation. Just because I have one doesn't mean I will see it or stop in time to avoid ending up half in the cross walk.
Finally, if there is a long line of cars and people continue to cross eventually one of us will get angry and forget that we are not in a video game where there are points given for each pedestrian. Really....save my paint job and your legs and just take 5 seconds to pause at the edge of the road and look both ways.
Thank you kindly,
Woman With Mild Road Rage
Monday, March 12, 2007
2 months
Boy what a difference 9 weeks makes?
A friend of mine sent me this picture. It was taken the first week in January. This was before we even had a clue what our babies would look like or how much one little smile could melt your heart.
Happy two month birthday my little peanut. Momma loves you to the moon and back.
(and back again....)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I have a son?
You know it's funny. I carried him around for nine months, I gave birth to him, I spent basically every moment with him for six weeks and yet when I'm at work and back in my routine sometimes I "forget" I have a son.
It still seems very surreal to me and I am waiting for that definitive moment when I won't be daydreaming and have to remind myself that everything is different. Just the other day Jake and I were going somewhere and we passed the new elementary school in our area. Zack was in the car, yet I still said that is the school that our children will go to. As if we didn't have any.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my son. The other night I had a dream that DHS came to take him away because I took him out in the snowstorm (who knows) and when I woke up I was filled with a hurt I have never known in my life. It took EVERYTHING I had not to snatch him up out of his bassinet and just hold him. So it's not like I haven't bonded with him.
It's something else entirely. I have had 26 years without him and only 7 1/2 weeks with him. So, I'm just wondering am I the only one who has ever felt this way? Did anyone else have to keep reminding themselves that there was a baby in their lives or am I just strange? Feel free to vote for the later... we all know how I am!!
Oh... and for those of you who are not reading Zack's site here is a little tidbit for you of baby cuteness. I plan to put a few pictures up here... just not as many as on the other site.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Time? What time?
What was that I was saying about hoping I have more time once I go back to work. HaHaHa!! I'm SOO funny!! This week has been really hectic!!
First off, Jake blew up his jeep (I know.. yes... AGAIN!!). He got it stuck in the snow and floored it in reverse and destroyed the transmission. He says that it was slipping when we bought it but I think that's just the excuse he gives me so I won't be so mad. So... on top of returning to work and adjusting to all of that we were also a one car family this week so I had to take him to work and pick him up.
Secondly, who knew it could take SOO long to get such a little person ready and out the door? I have to make sure I have bottles and milk and the breast pump and the extra clothes and my computer and get it all out to the car.
Oh yeah... and where is the baby, have to get the baby!!
My day starts a whole hour earlier than it used to and I still am late most days. It seems like something else always has to be done just when I think we are ready to go. Change the baby, feed the baby, oh crap he spit up... where is the burp rag? You get the point.
Finally when I actually DO make it to work I don't feel like I'm getting anything done. I'm pumping and even with the good double electric pump that process takes 15 - 20 minutes each time I do it. I have to unpack the pump, pump for 10 minutes, repack the pump, go to the kitchen and rinse out the pump parts and then return to my desk.
On top of all of that, Zack is going through a growth spurt. My mom just told me that he just ate 8 ounces for her. EIGHT!! I'm lucky if I get four in a pumping session and he is eating every 2 hours and I am only able to pump every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. So... needless to say we are going to either have to start giving this kid some formula or some cereal. I'm leaning towards the latter because I'm not real big on the formula factor right now. Not that I think it will hurt him, I just think if he's that hungry formula might not be the answer.
SO... needless to say things here are a little crazy. I really appreciate all of you checking in on me and sending me e-mails. It's nice to know that someone is out there missing me!! :-) Hopefully things will get regulated soon and I will be back to posting on a somewhat regular basis!!
First off, Jake blew up his jeep (I know.. yes... AGAIN!!). He got it stuck in the snow and floored it in reverse and destroyed the transmission. He says that it was slipping when we bought it but I think that's just the excuse he gives me so I won't be so mad. So... on top of returning to work and adjusting to all of that we were also a one car family this week so I had to take him to work and pick him up.
Secondly, who knew it could take SOO long to get such a little person ready and out the door? I have to make sure I have bottles and milk and the breast pump and the extra clothes and my computer and get it all out to the car.
Oh yeah... and where is the baby, have to get the baby!!
My day starts a whole hour earlier than it used to and I still am late most days. It seems like something else always has to be done just when I think we are ready to go. Change the baby, feed the baby, oh crap he spit up... where is the burp rag? You get the point.
Finally when I actually DO make it to work I don't feel like I'm getting anything done. I'm pumping and even with the good double electric pump that process takes 15 - 20 minutes each time I do it. I have to unpack the pump, pump for 10 minutes, repack the pump, go to the kitchen and rinse out the pump parts and then return to my desk.
On top of all of that, Zack is going through a growth spurt. My mom just told me that he just ate 8 ounces for her. EIGHT!! I'm lucky if I get four in a pumping session and he is eating every 2 hours and I am only able to pump every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. So... needless to say we are going to either have to start giving this kid some formula or some cereal. I'm leaning towards the latter because I'm not real big on the formula factor right now. Not that I think it will hurt him, I just think if he's that hungry formula might not be the answer.
SO... needless to say things here are a little crazy. I really appreciate all of you checking in on me and sending me e-mails. It's nice to know that someone is out there missing me!! :-) Hopefully things will get regulated soon and I will be back to posting on a somewhat regular basis!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
