Drive to Eureka Springs

For some reason the whole allure of jumping on a boat and sitting for hours watching a pole bounce up and down only to reel in a large smelly fish was lost on us girls. So, we decided to spend our day a little differently than the guys.

We had heard about a little town called Eureka Springs that had some quaint little shops and so we decided to drive over there to visit. We were told that it was only about 20 miles away but the drive was kind of scenic and it would take us about 45 minutes to get there. What we didn't realize was that just because it's 20 miles away does not mean that we can drive through the lake to get there. So... we had to go around.

If you plot the trip on a map it looks something like this....

If you drive it it looks more like this....

(Can someone please enlighten us as to the point of the two stop signs?? We are thoroughly confused)

The people who told us were right. It was very pretty. Except for the random smattering of trailers and junk piles along the way. When you see the movies and you think of rural Arkansas I was expecting people with thick accents, no teeth and living in run down houses. For the most part the people were very nice and hardly had accents at all. However, several of the houses / mobile homes... they did not disappoint.

At one point I believe Jess referred to driving through the "show me state" to get to the "sh*$ hole state" but I could be paraphrasing. :-)

On the way there we decided to take a slight detour and visit the Beaver Damn. This is a hydroelectric damn and while it didn't look like they did tours it was still pretty cool to see.

We even found two unsuspecting ladies to take our picture.

After the damn we continued to downtown Eureka Springs. We missed our turn, however and ended up taking the back roads to downtown. Or as Jess referred to them the bike trail through the houses. She swears if she would have had a cane she could have rang the doorbells. I think she was exaggerating just a bit... but not much.

In all the shopping wasn't as great as we expected but the drive there more than made up for it.

Fishing in Arkansas

On Thursday morning the guys were up and out the door by 5:30. The lovely Miss Jessica offered to take them to meet the guide so I could sleep in seeing as how I was so tired (or perhaps because I was such b#*$% from lack of sleep... we'll pretend it was the former ok?)

Everything in Arkansas is really flooded from all the rain they have been having so the lake we stayed next to looked like chocolate milk with branches floating in it. Not great for fishing, so the guide drove them about 30 - 45 minutes south to find clear water.

As the story goes they got into the boat and Shane told Jake that he could have the first fish but after that is was a free for all. The guide looked at Shane like he was crazy and then told the following story.

He had a family on the boat a grandpa, his son and his grandson. They were
fishing along and a big fish hit on one of the poles. The dad told the grandpa
to let the little boy real it in. The little boy headed over there and the
grandpa pushed him away saying you have 80 more years to catch a fish like
this... get the hell out of my way.

Either way, Shane was true to his word. On the advice of the guide, "If you have to ask if it's a bite... it's not. If it bends at the 1st or 2nd eyelet... it's a dink. If it bends at the 3rd or 4th eyelet it's a 20 - 30 lb fish. If it bends at the base... give it to me." They sat down and waited for fish to bite.

They had 9 poles in the water so their eyes were continually moving. The first fish hit and Jake went for it, too slow. The second fish hit and Jake went for it, too slow. The third and fourth fish hit but they were gone before anyone could get to them. Finally on the fifth fish Shane was right next to the pole and figured Jake had is chance and so he started reeling him in.

Shane said it was GREAT fishing and that the fish fight really hard. His fish was only estimated at 13 lbs and he said he can't imagine how hard it would be to real them in if it was larger.

(Sorry about the head cutting off Shane... apparently Jake has some camera issues!!) After that, they went for a good two hours without a bite.

Shane was feeling kind of bad that Jake might not even get to catch a fish when he sat down to eat some more of Jan's wonderful cookies. About that time one of his poles started moving but he was too busy with his mouth full of chocolaty goodness to get to it. So Jake ran across the deck and started reeling him in.

The fish Jake caught was estimated at about 15 lbs and he too said that he could not imagine the fight if the fish were bigger.

After that they did not catch any more fish but they said they still had a GREAT time and would return to that guide in a heart beat.

On a side note... the fish were in spawning season so Jake's fish left him a little love serum to remember him by.

Shortly there after they cut off his head and filleted him.....

Jake's Cat Fish

Jake caught this 30 lb Catfish in the Des Moines river on March 22nd and begged me to put it up on the Internet so everyone could see it. (I have a 5 x 7 of it on my refrigerator so if I have to stare at it... so do you!! :-)

I know it is not the fish pictures you are waiting for but I promised him I would put it up. He even had this whole post written in his head about what I should say so I couldn't let him down.

Little Cedar

Back in October Jess had e-mailed me pictures of the cabin we were going to stay in. The brochures were lovely and I'm going to post them here because I'm sure she won't mind the free advertising.
However, I must say, the brochures do not even come CLOSE to doing this place justice. After driving for 8 hours to reach our destination we pulled in and saw this quaint little carving as we entered the driveway.Set back in the woods we came across the log cabin. Adorable from the outside, drop dead gorgeous from the inside.

When you enter the cabin you come upon a open kitchen/living room/dinning room area.

Complete with a wood burning stove...
Which we did take advantage of on Thursday night when it got a little chilly.

Off of the kitchen area there was also a really nice screened in porch. (This was Jess's secret napping area...)

The cabin also had three bedrooms. Once we had seen it we knew there was no way we were going to be able to "fight amongst ourselves" and decide who got the master bedroom so we flipped for it. My husband flipped the coin and we lost... I think I should have demanded a re-toss by a more competent flipper!! :-)

So we let Jess and Shane have the master bedroom

And we took the fish bedroom. (Which was probably pretty appropriate considering it was all Jake thought about or talked about while we were there!!) (Yes those are totes that our clothes are in. Jess made us pack everything in totes in case in rained and the cover on the truck bed leaked. Let me tell you... were were the most classy people in the Hilton on Friday too....)
There was also a third bedroom decorated with Dogs. Jan (the owner) LOVES dogs. She rescues them and has 13 of them right now. The ones that are adoptable she finds new homes for but the ones with "issues" she trains and keeps.

If we would have brought Zack, this would have been his room. There was a pack n' play in the closet and a highchair under the deck. I kept telling Jess I felt like we were staying in someones house and they were out of town on vacation. EVERYTHING was there except the people.

When we arrived on Wednesday she had cookies and home made salsa waiting for us. There was shampoo in the showers and a little drawer full of all sorts of things that you might have forgotten.

The cabin was so nice that the guys are already planning their return trip, I think they forgot to include us in this fishing weekend. :-)

Having a Great Time!!

I have to type fast as the Internet connection here is costing me $0.49 per minute!! :-()

Jake's appointment on Tuesday was pretty uneventful. Their main guess as to what happened was that his brain is still healing from the drug usage and that caused the seizure. He has more tests on Tuesday but for now we were cleared to travel, obviously, and I was told not to hover!! :-)

On Wednesday we left and ended up in the coolest cabin in Arkansas. I took lots of pictures and will post some when I return. Today we drove to Branson and we will be here for a night and then heading home tomorrow. It has been SOOO nice to have a few days to sleep and NOT think about taxes.

Well, I'll check in again on Monday when I'm back to the daily grind. :-(

Jake is fine...

I've been trying to write this post for over a day with no success. I kept thinking I would gain some distance from the situation and I would be able to make this a little less dark, a little less scary. But I can't, so I'm just going to lay it all out there for you.

On Saturday night Jake had a seizure and it was without a doubt the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life and no matter how hard I try, every time I close my eyes the only thing I see is him convulsing on our couch. Right now it is 3:45 am and I'm wide awake. Every time he makes a noise, every time the dogs make a noise, every time I hear something and I'm not in the same room as him I think he's having a seizure again. I must have asked him 50 times yesterday if he was ok, if he was feeling alright, anything feel funny?

Inherently I know that if he is going to have another one there is nothing I can do to prevent it but I just don't want him to be alone. I don't want him to hurt himself any more than he already did. He made hamburger out of the sides of his tongue on Saturday and I'm afraid if he were standing up or doing something it could be much, MUCH worse.

Perhaps I should give you a little more information. Jake is 27 years old. He has never in his life been known to have a seizure. On Saturday we were sitting on the couch watching a movie and all of the sudden he went ridged. His arms went straight out and he started foaming at the mouth. In total it probably only lasted 30 seconds to one minute but that one minute seemed like an eternity.

By the time he stopped convulsing I already had 911 on the phone. When he stopped he just got very still and for a moment all I could think was that he was dead. Then he started to breathe and I remember saying to the guy on 911 oh my god he's breathing!!

I don't think it took very long for the ambulance to get there, perhaps five minutes but it seemed like SOOO much longer. I called my mom and she came over right away to watch Zack. When Jake came to he was confused and disoriented. You would look at him but there was not really anything behind his eyes. It was scary for me because the last time he had that look was when he was using and I kept thinking he had done something or taken something.

I rode in the front of the ambulance and he rode in the back (obviously) and by the time we got to the hospital he was acting perfectly normal again. They did a CT scan and it was perfectly normal. They ran a series of blood tests and they were all negative for any infections or other unusual items. Finally they ran a urine analysis and tox screen. All negative for any drugs or chemicals that could have seeped in through his skin.

The bottom line is we have no answers. Which means we have no way of knowing if this was a one time occurrence or if he could begin to have seizures on a regular basis. Right now, Jake seems to be fine. He had a bad headache yesterday morning but they said that was normal. He also slept most of yesterday which I have also been told is normal after a seizure. From talking to him I get the impression that this has left him just as shaken as it has me. After all, he has no memory of what happened and to have someone tell you something happened to you but not be able to remember it I'm sure would be a little scary.

As for me, I just keep remembering a NY Times article I read a week or so ago. I saved the link because I thought I could use it in a post but I never in my wildest dreams thought it would be this one. The article is called "My daughters are fine, but I'll never be the same". This article is about his children but I think the same context can be applied here.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined that this would happen to us. Of all the demons I thought we were fighting this one never even entered my spectra but now that it has I can't go back to naively thinking that nothing will ever happen to anyone I love. It could, and it did and right now all I really want is to find away to be able to close my eyes again and not see that image, to hear a noise and not think the worst, and to sleep at night and not wonder what I will wake up to.

Damn....

This is the third sweater that this has happened to this tax season:

Apparently when I am working I rest my elbow on my desk and use my 10 key. At this rate I will need a whole new wardrobe by next winter!!

Maybe... someday...

So... I only have 11 days left. What are we going to do with all of our free time?

We should do something?

Oh really... like what?

We should go fishing!!

(Taking a moment to catch my breath and not burst out laughing)
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Mmmm Hmmmm... and where should we go fishing at?

Oh I don't know, maybe the river or out at the lake.

(Huge sigh when I realize he still has NO idea...)
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Maybe we will have to do that.

Checking In

Things around here have been a little crazy. I'm going into my 50th hour of work this week and my brain is a little fried. HOWEVER... I thought I should at least give you a little update on the goings on around our house.

One week ago Jake got his one year coin/chip at his home meeting. It was a nice ceremony. His mom, his grandma, his grandpa, my parents and Jess and Shane were there. There was one person missing from the festivities but we have come to the conclusion that if he is going to continue to exclude himself from the festivities because he can't let go of the past than that is his loss not ours.

Anyhow, the meeting was nice and Jake talked for a little while and thanked everyone who showed up to support him. Jess took this nice picture of us after the meeting. (Ignore the fact that I look about 20 lbs too heavy... I'm going to do something about it... just NOT right now....)

When Jake picked Zack up on Thursday night he noticed that his eyes were kind of matty. I told him I was guessing it was pink eye but the whites of his eyes were still decidedly white so we were all holding out hope that perhaps it was an ear infection or a sinus cold.

My parents took him home after Jake got his metal/coin/chip and on Friday morning I got this picture of him on my phone. My mom said what do you think should I take him to daycare?

I immediately called her and informed her that there is NO way they would even let him in the door. Then Jake went and picked him up and off to the doctor they went. Three Friday trips in four weeks. Bronchilitus, Tonsillitis and now....

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Pink eye. So for five days we tried to wrestle our screaming toddler to the ground to try to get drops in his eyes. I realize that of all the illnesses this is probably the easiest on him but it was one of the hardest to treat. And before you tell me, yes I know the trick about putting it in the corner of his eye and letting it go in when he opens them... the problem there is still getting him to LAY DOWN for me to do that!! :-)

So... other than that, my week has pretty much been work, sleep repeat. I'm considering hanging up a paper chain in my cubicle to count down the days until I am DONE but I stopped short lest I look like even more of a dork than I already am!! :-)

Hope you all are having good weeks I will be back after the 20th of April, I promise!!

Then A Purple Pony You shall Have....

**Sorry I didn't get this up sooner. It's 6:45 on Wednesday morning, I'm at work, I already have 25 1/2 hours for the week... need I say more??**

The running Joke in our house last October was that if Jake didn't make it to his one year I would have to take back his purple pony. We started this banter back and forth shortly after we booked the fishing trip, which he still has NO clue about. So... little did he know but to everyone but him purple pony meant fishing trip.

Anyhow.. we went along our merry little way and talk of the purple pony dwindled. Then out of the blue on the way to a meeting one night he mentioned getting his purple pony. So of course I said, oh yeah... but you know... we might have to wait to get it until after tax season so we can both be around to take care of it. Purple ponies take a lot of work. Wink... Wink....

Then Friday morning came and lo and behold he wakes up, rolls over and says to me, "Where's my purple pony?"

Never one to disappoint I went out over my lunch hour to procure me one of these:

Nice isn't it?? Although I don't think it was quite what he had in mind. Perhaps the real "purple pony" will get a little more of an excited reaction out of him.....

In the mean time we went out with a large group of AA and Al-anon friends on Friday night to celebrate his one year mark. I don't think Jake really thought it would be a big deal to anyone but him so it was nice to have all of those people reaffirm what I had been telling him for weeks. It really WAS a big deal.

Then on Saturday night Jess, Shane, Danette, Matt, My Mom, My Dad, Jake's Mom, and Jake and I all went out to a local seafood restaurant. (The most expensive seafood restaurant in this area might I mention. My husband he knows how to pick them. Give him a list of restaurants he will pick the most expensive one. Give him a menu, he will pick the most expensive thing on it. Every time. And then throw in a salad and a bowl of soup just for good measure!! :-)

We had a blast eating and talking and laughing about the man who was stuck in the men's room...

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Ok... I can't just leave you with that... here's the reader's digest version. My dad goes to the restroom. When he enters he sees a man, pulling on a locked door to a closet. He assumes he's working on something. He does his business and as he is washing his hands he hears the man on his cell phone. "I don't know what to do. I'm in the bathroom and I'm locked in and can't get out." My dad... ever the level headed one simply opens the other door and says why don't you try this one?

The sad part is the waitress told us that this is not the first time this has happened. Apparently the closet door has a handle and the one to exit the restroom is just one that you push on. She said there have been people that have called the front desk saying they are stuck in the bathroom. I think maybe that would warrant some better signage??

After dinner we all (except for Jess who doesn't DO bowling... ;-) went bowling. The entire night was so very fun and reminded both Jake and I what a really healthy night out with family and friends can be. It is so different from the life we were living just a year ago and we are SOO happy to have arrived in this place with all of you wonderful people. Thanks for helping us celebrate and thanks to all of you in the computer too who have been here to support us through this journey.

Only when you remember where you came from can you truly appreciate where you are now.

One Year of Sobriety

One year ago today I wrote this post... (the most comments I have ever gotten on a single post might I add!! :-) For the first time in five years I woke up alone in our house and was not concerned in the slightest about where Jake was. I knew he was safe, I knew he was alive, and I knew that he was sober. (Or at least getting there)

That day, one year ago, was the first day of the rest of our lives. Since then things have not always been easy. There have been moments of anger, frustration and pain but NOTHING... and I do mean NOTHING trumps the feeling I get when I see my little boy get SOO excited to see Jake. Without this experience I have no doubt that to Zack, Jake would be just a fleeting memory.

Before Jake was committed he missed 90% of Zack's days. He went to work, he went out and partied, there was a week in there where he didn't come home at all. I remember quite vividly when he was firt committed and he said to me I don't want to be gone a long time because I don't want to miss Zack. All I could think was, "You weren't here to see him anyway." But what ended up coming out of my mouth was if you don't get your act together you will miss much more than just a couple of months.

In the end, we all know what happened. He went away to treatment, and then back to the hospital (the same one, coincidentally that thinks we owe them $5,000.. OUCH... but worth every penny in the end), and then away to a different treatment center. Jake was gone for a total of five months and when he got back he set about doing his 90 in 90. (Where they go to 90 meetings in 90 days). He succeeded, only missing a couple of meetings, and now has a sponsor and regularly goes to at least 3 meetings a week.

Him and I will be in the program for the rest of our lives but it is a small, small price to pay for what we have gained. Moments like last night when I called him and he was trying so hard not to laugh as Zack was taking his hammer (thank you Aunt Kimmy for the hammer) and smashing his Apple Jacks on the coffee table. All I could hear was giggle, No.. Zackary... don't do that... giggle. (Jake was laughing... not Zack... Zack was just beating away)

And at that moment, all I could think about was if we had never done this, if we had never gone through all of this he would have missed that moment. He wouldn't have been there to wipe cake off his face at his first birthday party, or to kiss his owie when he took a header into the coffee table last month. He wouldn't have been there to see the huge smile on his face when he walks through the door at daycare. All of that, we owe to this process and to his continued strength and drive to stay sober.

Jake, I love you more today than I ever thought possible. I love the man you are and the father you have become. I wish you nothing but success in your continued sobriety. We will be here for you, rooting you on, now and forever.

Love,
Heather & Zackary

P.S. At lunch today I must venture out and procure myself a purple pony. Because when one promises someone a purple pony if they make it to one year of sobriety, a purple pony they must produce. Imagine how excited he will be when I get him something really cool... like a fishing trip!! :-)

One Year Ago - Day 3

**These are not getting any easier to write. Sorry it has taken me so long to get this one up today but this was by far the hardest day**

One year ago I woke up with what felt like a huge rock in the pit of my stomach. I had already talked to Molly on the phone the night before and she had agreed to meet me at the courthouse at 9:00. At 8:30 I called the phone number and someone answered. As it turns out they opened at 8:00 and he said the earlier we could come in the better.

It was 8:50 when we walked into that tiny little room off of a dark hallway in the courthouse. That was the first time I met Danny. Danny is the man who believed in me and Molly enough to go to bat for us with the judge.

When you look into committing someone what they tell you is that you need two people, the wife/husband (if there is one) and another relative. You go to the courthouse, you sign some papers, and they pick up this person and haul them away. If only it were that easy.

The real process involves filling out lots and lots of paperwork. You have to explain why you think this person is a danger to themselves or to others. You have to write out specific incidents when you saw them using or when they talked about using to you. No second hand knowledge is allowed. As a side note, I imagine for someone who's spouse only drinks at home this would be very hard to accomplish as addicts are usually pretty good at hiding their addiction from people on the outside.

Anyway, after we filled out all of the paperwork Danny came down and talked with Molly and me. He asked me some of the most difficult questions I've ever had to answer. Such as, how do I know that you are not really a drug addict yourself and are you going to divorce your husband? I didn't know at that point. I was so mad and so scared so I just told him the only thing I knew. Not at this moment, I just want to get him help before he dies.

"Before he dies..." even now that phrase makes me tear up as I type this. Because that was what I was SURE was going to happen to Jake. I didn't see it ending any other way. The addiciton had him so tightly in its grip that it was never letting go. Without some serious intervention I just knew that the only way he was getting out of it was in a coffin.

Apparently Danny was satisfied with my answers because he had us wait in the hallway while he went and talked to the judge. That 15 minutes in the hallway was what seemed like the longest 15 minutes of my life. While I was there waiting I called people. It was on this day, at this hour that I realized that I have the most amazing friends and family a person could ever ask for and that they were there all along if I only would have reached out to them. Everyone I called was so supportive and offered to help me in any way possible. No one judged me or looked down upon me. They just offered out a helping hand.

15 minutes later and 2 1/2 hours after we entered the court house we had the signed documents of committal and our instructions on what to do when we found him. I had given them two houses that he was known to hang out at but as it turns out when they are looking for someone on a committal order they can only knock on the door of a private residence and ask if they are inside. They can not go in without permission and obviously the people he was with would not give permission.

So we had to wait and try to get him out into the open. I went back to work that day and tried desperately to get him to answer the phone with no luck. The only word I got from him all day was a text message that will FOREVER be burned into my brain. "I love you, I'm going to make things better, I will call you later."

Looking back, knowing where he was and who he was with, that message hurts me. All I can think is how deep he must have been in his addiction to write something like that and then go right back into the thick of things.

That afternoon Molly and her friends drove around looking for him, as did our friends Shane and Jess. No one had any luck. Shane and Jess had just gone home when we got the tip that "broke the case wide open" as Shane aka Big Dog Bounty Hunter refers to it. A friend of a friend told Jake's mom that he was staying in a hotel with the word Red in the name. There are only two in our area.

So, Shane and Jess jumped back in their vehicle and headed out again. No luck. I was on my way home when I got "the call." They had found his vehicle out side the second hotel. He was not alone. My heart sank. It still sinks today when I think about it. I went through all of this time, energy, worry, heart ache to save a man who wasn't even worried about me and his child, who was instead holed up in a hotel room with a prostitute doing GOD knows what!!

At that point I just wanted to march down the hallway and kick the door in myself. We wouldn't need the police to escort him out of there, we would need them to keep me from KILLING him. However, in the end, I realized that he was sick. He was not in his right mind and that even if we didn't stay together he deserved a shot at a normal life. So I waited at the end of the frontage road with my friends for the police to arrive.

Since it was not private property they could go in and get him whether he invited them in or not. First problem solved. I showed them a picture and they headed out to get him. I stayed behind. I couldn't watch them pull him out. I couldn't stand there and watch the shell of a man that I loved get hauled a way. A man who was just an illusion of his former self.

As it turns out, it was a good thing I wasn't there. Those who saw him said he was a messed up wreck. The police who pulled him out said he was as high as they have ever seen anyone. My husband was not in that room that night and I didn't need to see them pull his body out.

From there it all sort of blurs together. I remember the emotion as vividly as I did then but the events are all mushed together. Somehow Jake's jeep got to our house, I'm pretty sure Jess got a contact high from driving it there. Somehow I made it to my parents to pickup and hug my son and cry as I held him. Somehow the two of us made it home to our completely empty house to sit in a rocking chair and rock for hours as I promised him that I would make everything alright. That I did the only thing I knew how to do to keep him safe and that no matter what I would ALWAYS be there for him to keep him safe.

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**This song REALLY spoke to me. It makes me think of how dark Jake's life was and the place he was in and angels really did come and take him from his dark, cold hotel room to his new life. They were just angels without wings**

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel
fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel;
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

-Sarah McLachlan

One Year Ago - Day 2

One year ago I got up early: Ok... who are we kidding here? I'm pretty sure that at this point I was not sleeping at all. What with the fact that I had a small child who was up at least once a night and the fact that I had just called the police on my husband. Nope... not much time for sleeping.

Honestly, I do not remember whether we spent the night at our house or at my Father-In-Laws house. I know during all of this I was there one night, maybe two... but they all sort of blur together. Either way at this point my main focus was on Zack. He had a doctors appointment to get his shots so I had the morning (or at least a couple hours of it) off.

I remember waiting in the doctors office thinking to myself do I ask them about a blood test? In the end I didn't. I don't know if it would have changed anything or not. After his shots I was too terrified to take him to daycare. There was some part of me that just knew if Jake found out about the police he would come and take him. (He told me later that was the furthest thing from his mind and he never would have taken him but at the time I couldn't take that chance.)

In the end, I called him in to daycare and ended up taking him back to my FIL's house for the day. I remember them telling me they would lock the doors and that he would be fine. They would call me if Jake showed up and not to worry. They would not let him take him. Yet still, I sat on the edge of my seat all day waiting for the phone to ring.

Deep breaths. In and out... just writing this makes it feel like there is a 50 lb weight on my chest. I have never in my life been so afraid. I just wanted to go to him and hold him close but I knew that I was now his sole source of income and support so I had to be at work.

Finally 5:00 came and I ran for the door. The first person I spoke to on my way home was the lawyer. I wanted to know how to protect my son. She told me the only way to do that was to get a protective order, which would be for me and Zack or I would need to call child protective services. Neither option seemed good for me at the time. The protective order, while it would protect Zack, would also keep me from speaking to Jake and if I couldn't speak to him then it would me MUCH harder to have him committed. And child protective services, well... I'm sure you can guess why I didn't want to call them.

After I got off the phone with the lawyer I talked to Jake. I don't know if he called me or I called him but I remember exactly what intersection I was sitting at Euclid and Hubbell when I told him that if he didn't check himself in before the next day that decision could be taken away from him.

He told me he was with a friend. A friend I didn't know. He told me that he would check himself in, he just needed a little time. A little more time to come down some. I told him I wasn't sure how much more time I could give him. I remember like it was yesterday telling him that it wouldn't take much to find him. If he was using his phone, no matter where he was, I could find him.

That was it. That was the last time I ever spoke to him high. I tried to call him a few more times but he turned his phone off. I ended up going home and getting clothes for Zack and then staying at my father-in-law's. Sometime in the middle of the night when neither one of us was sleeping I packed up my child and went home.

I knew that I couldn't wait any longer and that the next day I would have to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I wanted to be home, in familiar surroundings for one last night before everything in my world turned upside down.

One Year Ago

**I'm going to write this in a series of four days so from now through Friday there should be something new for you to read every day. However, I can't guarantee that if you are close to this story you won't need Kleenex.**

One year ago today I woke up early.

I had to work on Sunday and Jake was supposed to watch Zack. Never before has he ever taken him anywhere or done anything with him to make me think that Zack would EVER be in any danger.

For Jake drugs have always been a night time thing and so I have never really worried about him during the day. Sunday he decided to break that streak.

Sunday morning before I left Jake and I had the standard conversation. Do not even THINK about taking your son anywhere where he could be in danger. Stay home, call me if you need anything, I'll be back by noon.

To which all of it was answered, "You know I would NEVER do anything to put Zack in danger. I love my son."Sometime around 8:00 on Sunday morning Jake stopped answering his phone and my heart SANK!! Panic ensued but I tried to stay calm. Finally about 8:45 he answered again and he was at home because I could hear the dogs in the background. He told me he had just run up to Wal-mart and he was back.

I asked how Zack was doing and he told me that he had changed him into a cute outfit (which he NEVER does) and that he was doing just fine.By 11:00 I just had a feeling I needed to go home and so off I went.

I knew something was wrong immediately. I opened the door and heard a rumbling upstairs. Then Jake came running down the stairs and immediately went to the couch and grabbed something up and put it in his pocket. I could tell right away that he had done some drug. I could see it in his eyes and the way he talked to me.I immediately told him he needed to leave and he did.

For the rest of my life I will NEVER forget the way he looked that day or the way I felt that day. I will never forget the feeling when I opened that door and for a split second there was no noise and I thought for sure my baby was dead.

After Zack was born I never really bonded with him the way I should have. I was so caught up in all of the things that addiction does to you that I couldn't really see who he was or what a gift he was. In that split second that it was quiet before Jake came running down the stairs I knew that I had fallen head over heals in love with my child and I would never forgive myself if something happened to him.

I was lucky. Jake left when I asked him to and he didn't come back two hours later when I begged him to. (I told you the family members of addicts are very sick people) After Jake left Zack began to scream. He did that for two hours during which time I called Jake to ask him to come back and help me. He did not. I will forever be grateful that he stayed away.

As I later learned from DHS when and addict does drugs they seep out of their skin. When they hold babies the drugs go into the babies system and the essentially give the baby a "contact high." When babies get contact highs they scream. A LOT. Without knowing it I had let someone expose my precious child to something harmful.

The last step for me was when I called his dad after he didn't come home. While on the phone his dad mentioned that Jake had wanted him to buy something from him. I don't remember what right now but what I do remember is where. Jake was on the East Side that Sunday morning. On the East Side With. My. Baby....

It was at that point that the final light bulb went off and I called the police and then his family to talk about signing commitment papers. One year ago I was scared and alone and starting on a journey that would forever change all of our lives.

Floored

I was casually flipping through my March Parenting magazine last night when I came across a poll about having children.

The poll asked if you were able to go back and choose when you had your children would you:

A) Have them at the same time
B) Have them earlier in life
C) Have them later in life
D) I would not have children at all

2% of people choose option D.

2%!!

Who the hell are these people and can I take their children away? My son is ornery. There are days he makes me want to pull my hair out and he's only 14 months. I'm sure by the time he is talking back or sneaking out of the house my hair may be all gone but to wish I had never had him??

There is not one moment of one day that I can imagine never having him. Without him our money situation would probably be better, I'd rather be poor. Without him our marriage would probably be less stressful, I'd rather have the stress. I would rather give up everything I own and walk to work twenty miles uphill both ways in the snow than miss out on one day with my wonderful little boy.

Who are these people??

Friday Night Fun

Because NOTHING says fun quite like a trip to the emergency room. I swear Friday night is when everyone thing oohh.. that kind of hurts. The doctor's office is closed I better go to the emergency room.

In hindsight I think maybe it is a parent's right of passage. Perhaps once, every year, on a Friday (last year it was early Friday, this year it was later Friday) I must trudge out to the emergency room just to keep me on my toes. Yesterday just happened to be that Friday.

I stayed home with Zack yesterday because he was feeling under the weather. Basically I spent the whole morning on the couch with a child clinging to me like a spider monkey. And if you know my child, you will know this is NOT like him at all. He is usually far to busy to stop and even sit with me let alone cling to me.

So about 10:30 I finally go the call back from the ENT (there was drainage from one of his ears so I called them) and she said to bring him in at 1:40. He pretty much slept all morning either on me or in bed (when I could get him to lay there) but still when we got to the doctors office he was laying his head on my shoulder.

He took a quick look in his ears and pronounced them clear. Then he opened his mouth and

.
.
.
.

We have tonsillitis. WTF??

First Strep Throat

Then Bronchilitus (this was last week's adventure)

And now Tonsillitis.

Really... is it too much to ask for a healthy child. Just for a little while??

So I went to the pharmacy and I got his medicine while my mom let him cling to her for a little while. When I got back 45 minutes later the Motrin had done its job and he was up walking around. (It was either the Motrin or the ice cream)

So about 3:45 we headed home because I could see he was getting tired. He fell asleep in the car and I put hm into bed. Then at about 5:00 he woke up screaming. I knew then that it couldn't be good. I went up to get him and could tell right away that he was burning up. I took his temperature and I thought that I read it wrong. 104.5. So, I immediately called the doctor. Or rather the answering service.

I was very polite, I didn't panic. I just calmly mentioned that I needed a doctor or a nurse to call me back and tell me how high was too high. So she asked me, what is his fever now. 104.5.

"I'm patching you through to a doctor."

Never a good sign. That doctor told me that he was concerned and he thought we should go to the hospital. When I left the house it was up to 104.7. We got to the emergency room, checked in and then too his temperature there. 104.2. They then gave him a double dose of Tylenol and we waited with all the other lovely people. Like the woman across from us who's baby had a temperature of 101.5. Honey if we were at 101.5 I would have been at home in my PJ's!!

Finally we got back to the room and after another 20 minutes or so they took his temperature again and it was still 103. So we waited some more and finally after about 45 minutes in walks this woman doctor. A woman whom I can only describe as perhaps the wife or relative of this man, whom I saw last year. Look I try REALLY hard not to be stereotypical but I am REALLY striking out with the Indian doctors.

She asked why we were there and we told her and then she gave me this look and said, ok... so why are you hear? If it is a viral infection there is nothing we can do and if it is bacterial then he is already on antibiotics so the course of treatment will not change. Now if you want me to stick your child and do a blood test I can but it will not change the course of treatment so I don't think that's necessary. Just keep giving him fluids and if anything changes call us.

Really.. that's it. She acted like I was a complete idiot for bringing my child to the hospital with a fever of 104.

So we waited around a little more for the Tylenol to do it's job. His fever went down to 101.5 he started acting normal, or semi-normal, again and we were on our way home.

Boy do we know how to have a good time on a Friday night or what?!?!

Heart Attack

Last night when I got home I opened my mailbox and discovered this.....


**For those of you having trouble reading it... I have enlarged the heart palpitating parts for your reading enjoyment**

You know some how it is less of a stresser when it is someone else's name on the notice. I see these ever day at work and after this I would prefer that they stay at work thank you very much.

So I called the IRS and listened to 10 minutes of stimulus payment information before I finally got to the point where I could press 2 to get information about the status of my case.

Once I finally was able to get to a woman who could help me she seemed confused right from the start. Really... you're telling me lady. My husband has never made 41,000 in his entire life. I was just trying to figure out how I was going to get them to believe that....

Finally she told me that she saw two 1099's from his company and the second one had the payee listed as his boss. And there is when the light bulb went off. We... last time I checked... are not his boss.

So she put me on hold and then came back and assured me that she would fix the problem. She them put me on hold again then came back and told me I would get a resolution letter in three to four weeks. And now I wait....

Heart Attack avoided... at least for now....

Virtual Thank You's

A great big thank you to Miss Katie and Miss Jessica who came all the way downtown today to surprise me in my sweatpants and take me to lunch!! It was a great break from the Saturday drudge of work!!

Also a big thank you to Miss Jennifer who has agreed to try to fight our hospital bill for us. I don't know if she will be successful as I was on the phone with the insurance company and the hospital both for an hour one day but I really appreciate her even trying.

I really do have great people in my life and I want you to know that I appreciate everything you all do for me!!

Thank you!!!

Money Matters

Tax refund received: $4,500

Hospital bill for the last five days of Jake's stay that the insurance has conveniently decided NOT to cover: $5,500

DAMN.....

Party Questions

Ok ya'll. I need some assvice!! :-)

Jake's one year sobriety birthday is in less than one month (March 21st) and my plan all along has been to throw him a surprise party to celebrate.

So yesterday I was thinking about this party and it dawned on me. So I send out all of these invitations and people come from all over to this shelter house that my parents have and they all stand around in the dark and then they yell SURPRISE and he's shocked and what not and.....

THEN WHAT??

There is a pool table, a shuffleboard table, and pin ball machine as well as two big TV's so that will keep about 10 of the 100 or so people on the guest list entertained. What the hell do I do with the rest of them?

We can't really afford to cater a meal or for that matter serve a whole meal our selves but it seems like if I'm asking people to come over I should be feeding them. Would it be rude to set the party time for like 7:00 so people can eat before?

And if they are not eating then what, per say, are they doing?? Do they come, yell surprise, and then leave?

Thank you in advance for all of your wonderful ideas!!

Courageous or Cowardly

Almost every Friday when I attend my Al-anon meeting there is inevitably someone in there who's husband/wife/son/daughter has relapsed. And I will admit, usually the first thing that comes into my mind is thank GOD it wasn't Jake.

Followed quickly by what the hell would I do??

And the short answer is I have no clue.

Before I was with Jake and even when I was going through everything I thought that women stayed with abusive men because they were weak. Then Jake left and I was alone and suddenly I realized that I wasn't weak. I was a strong woman but I was also a scared woman. I had convinced myself that I couldn't keep my life the way it was without him. And you know what... I was right. I wouldn't be able to. But I also know now that it doesn't matter. In fact I can say to you without much hesitation that if I EVER find myself flying through the air or on the wrong end of a loaded shot gun again I will run. I will pack up my son and I will run to Canada or South America if I have to just to make sure that the two of us are safe.

However, a relapse is an entirely different story. A relapse is not necessarily a danger to myself or my son. A relapse can be a growing or a learning experience depending on the severity of the relapse. At the moment I am reading a phenomenal book called the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. I have learned more about myself and the life I find myself in right now in the first 30 pages of this book than I have learned in the entire rest of my 27 years.

In this book it talks about accepting that alcoholism is a disease. A compulsion to drink/use over which the addict has no control. If my husband had a disease and he thought he was better but then he relapsed (I'm not sure what the term is for got the disease back again) and had to go back for more treatments no one would condemn me for sticking by him. In fact I would be looked down upon if I left him because he had to go through treatments again.

This part of the journey has been the hardest for me. In my book it talks about never speaking your mind until you are sure that you know what you are saying is true. For this reason I have been hesitant to blow every little incident out of proportion. I don't want to have to answer to anyone until I know in my mind what I'm going to do. Two weeks ago I drug tested my husband. There was an incident with some money and then another incident where I caught him in a lie and I got scared. The test was negative, obviously, but I didn't really jump to point out to everyone that I had even made him take it in the first place.

The reason being, I didn't know how to answer the inevitable next question. What would you have done if it was positive? Every day on my way home I pass a sign at a local church. It always has catchy phrases on it and last weeks phrase was "Failure is not falling down, it is staying down."

That REALLY hit home with me. If Jake falls is he a failure and I must immediately leave him? For so long I had convinced myself that I was weak if I didn't but reading this book I'm starting to wonder if the people who run aren't really the weak ones.

How much strength it must take to stand by someone as they stumble along their recovery path. Never judging them for a disease that they can not control. All the while treating them with the love and respect that any human being deserves.

Last Friday as yet another woman was crying about her husband I found myself tearing up. What strength she was showing to know that he had fallen and to be brave enough to stand by him. To come to our group and admit this knowing that we would not judge her for a decision that we would never understand unless we were in her position.

After 6 months in Al-anon I'm starting to see the strength these people have and I'm not sure if I were in their position I would have the same strength. If Jake were to realpse I don't know if I would stand by him or if I would run away. Would I be a coward if I stayed or if I ran? I suppose only God knows the answer to that.

I think I'm finally beginning to understand that perhaps the most courageous people are found in the places we least expect to find them.

9-1-1

Somehow I always thought this would be a little farther down the road.

I thought Zack would be older, perhaps want to see the police cars or see if what I say happens really happens but apparently he couldn't wait that long.

Last night, my son called 911.

I'm not quite sure how it happened. He was playing with the phone and must have managed to hit a series of buttons. When I heard the phone the lady on the other end said if you would like to make a call please hang up. So I did.

About 15 minutes later the phone rang. Jake tried to answer it but no one was there. Then about 10 minutes after that the police car pulled into our driveway. (You know if someone was really dying we'd be dead by then.....)

Jake was getting ready to go to his home meeting so he was in a suit and I was in my sweater from work. I'm sure the officer thought we were just getting ready to go out for Valentine's Day. He didn't even come onto the back porch, let alone into the house where we had Zack locked in the dog kennel safely tucked away in his bed.

So, there you have it. We have officially been broken in. And now... the phone gets put up on a higher shelf and we need to get batteries for the one that doesn't work because as far as he's concerned it's not a phone if it doesn't beep. (Please tell me why it is someone can't make a toy phone that actually LOOKS like a real one? They would make a fortune... that and a remote control)

Happy Valentines Day!!

First Christmas, now Valentines Day...

Two Holidays in a row with gifts that were not only purchased before the day OF but also some thought was put into them.

I think I'm really liking this sober thing....

When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire..

I noticed your cat

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you .

I've changed my mind.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky, The Carolinas , & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

You always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time..

Let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

And it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

It's really good pay.

Mailing the Thank You's

Two weeks later... possibly three or four... I loose count

We had this discussion over on Gift of Gab about how long it takes to hand write an envelope and whether it is better to hand write or to type them.

Personally I am all about using modern conveniences so I type things when I can but apparently there are some that feel if you can't hand write it don't bother. Really, I'm not up for re-hashing that whole discussion. We did that once.

What I'm saying is I hand wrote them. All 25 of them and then I put them together to bring to work so I could address them. (All my addresses are in excel). And here at work is where they have sat since that point.

My excuses have been I don't have time, I would get busy and then it would be after 5:00 and I would figure that they weren't going out today anyway so I would just address them tomorrow. I would take them home and they would just stare at me as I watched my favorite TV programs or worked on the computer.

Actually, these thank you's and I have become quite good friends and I will be sad to see them go. But going they are. Today, in the mail, if at all possible. And next time, maybe I'll get them out within three weeks instead of four. (Hey you gotta start with small goals...)

Dissolving into a puddle of tears

My sweet little boy had his first bout of separation anxiety this morning. I know it is because he got up at 6:00 and we changed him, dressed him and I walked into the door at daycare at 6:35. He was tired and he wanted some extra cuddle time and he didn't get it.

I'm aware of the logical reasons for him to cry when I go to leave and for him to cling to me like a spider monkey.

BUT....

It doesn't make it any easier. I had to fight the urge to turn the car around, go back to daycare and just take him home with me.

The. whole. way. to. work.

Only 69 more days of tax season.....

Obcess Much

I don't like him at all... whatever would give you that idea??

Question of the Day

Is there a lane?

And if so... am I in it??

7 inches of snow on the ground right now. Drifts 3 feet high in my driveway. Three more inches predicted before the snow ends at noon today.

.

.
.

.

.

.

.

I am so not amused.

Zack or Heather

We are going to play a little game of Zack or Heather. I had to crop out all of the other stuff in the pictures because the decor will give away who is who...

So...

Zack?? Or Heather??

Perhaps he got just a teeny tiny bit of me?? Oh come on... humor me people!!

Not According to Plan

Essay

What I did on my Tuesday Morning
By: Heather Hamilton

5:00 - Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep..... SMACK

5:09 - Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep..... SMACK

5:18 - Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep..... SMACK

(As a side note who in the world decided that alarm clocks should go off every 9 minutes?? Why nine?? Why not an even 10?? We've discussed this... odd numbers BOTHER me...)

5:19 - Drag my sorry butt out of bed. Briefly consider grabbing my cell phone (who's alarm goes off at 5:20) and getting back into bed. Decide against it and go downstairs

5:35 - Showered, dressed and standing in the bathroom again brushing my hair, realize that perhaps I might make it there by 6:00 if I just throw my hair half up again. Ta hell with appeareance, it's tax season, I don't need to do my hair EVERY day

5:37 - Go downstairs to feed the cats and realize that while I have asked Jake to clean the litterboxes no less than 5 times in the last three days, he has not, in fact cleaned said litterboxes

5:37 and one half - Debate whether to actually clean them or leave them for him

5:38 - Decide that after a week and a half with no one cleaning them they are beyond cleanable. Tuck my pants into my boots and trudge outside to dump them in the tree line

5:39 - 6:05 - Sit on kitchen floor and scrub out litterboxes. Go through half a roll of paper towels all the while being so greatful that Jess convinced me to move them downstairs so that at least this mess wasn't where Zack could have been playing with it

6:07 - Fill litterboxes with fresh litter and finish getting ready for work. Hair is half dry now so I might as well roll it under with a brush and make it look half way decent

6:13 - Leave for work

The end

You know while I love my husband and I am so glad that he is home with Zack and that he does so well with him I will be SOOO glad when tax season is over and I can get back to my regular life where I can at least fake cleaning. You know... straighten up a little before anyone comes over, move the clutter out of the way before I take a picture, clean the litterboxes once a week whether they need it or not... that sort of thing.... :-)