WOW!!

Thank you... all of you for your show of support. It is AMAZING to me that so many people have come out of the woodwork to leave comments. Of course you say super secret anonymous blog and everyone wants in on that action!! :-)

Just a couple of house cleaning issues.

1) Blogger does not give me your e-mail address when you comment so you will need to leave it in the comments section or click on that link over there -----> and send me an e-mail

2) ArmyWifeandMom... see the above.....

3) AmyV... I have responded to your comment in the comments section of the previous post but just to reiterate his seizure in April was NOT... and I repeat NOT drug induced. He was drug tested at the hospital and passed with flying colors for all the spectra of drugs. Please get your facts straight before you make a comment like that because comments like that tend to hurt people's feelings and they also tend to make me, who is already on edge, just a TAD bit defensive and then I get ugly and angry and we just don't need that when I'm sure it was just a simple misunderstanding... k?

Alright... back to tax returns...

The Goings On

"Where have you been?"

"Dealing with things far beyond my maturity level"

-Juno

That is the only excuse that I have to offer you right now for where I have been. I'm not sure how exactly to put this eloquently so I'm just kind of going to throw it out there...

Relapse.

It is a word that I have heard over and over in the rooms of Al-anon. People's husbands, children, wives, 2 months sober and a relapse, a year sober and a relapse, 10 years sober and a relapse. It can happen to anyone. But I never thought that anyone would be me.

Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? Why did I think that I had all the answers to how to deal with the situation? Apparently, God had other plans for me. In Al-anon we work the 12 steps the same as the AA people do. And the first step is Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I thought I had this step down pat. I knew I was powerless. I understood that I couldn't control it, only really... I didn't. On January 1st I was reminded that this is a new year... and NOT a year I am in charge of. Instead I quickly learned that no amount of watching, questioning, or controlling is going to stop Jake from doing what Jake is doing. Like it or lump it....

I don't feel a lot of detail is going to really help any of us but for the record it was pot. Started after a family member had some legal troubles. (That I can't write about here) At the time I remember saying to him please talk to someone about how upset you are. These things can lead to relapse. I said them, but I never believed them...

I had started to suspect something for awhile and on New Year's day I found the evidence and I asked him to leave our house until he could decide what he wanted for his life. I've been in Al-anon long enough to know relapse happens. I don't like it, I don't have to like it. I just have to accept it and decide what I'm willing to deal with for myself.

After about a week of him being gone I had decided that if he was willing to get back into his program and pass a drug test I was willing to work on our marriage and our family. We have now started the process of reintegrating him back into our house. Things are getting better. I hated the person that he was for the last two months and I am starting to love, all over again, the person that he is when he is not using.

I could sit here and give you a thousand reasons why I have made the choices I have in the last four weeks but my choices will never be any of your choices and I'm learning very quickly that I have to make the choice that I feel is best for myself and my son at the present moment. Tomorrow, that choice might be different. And that is ok. I only have to take one day at a time.

I have started another blog, an anonymous blog, where I write much more openly about what is going on. I am open to letting some of you read it, as long as you are not related to me. I am VERY open on that blog and I don't want anyone who knows us/is related to us to be offended by things I say about myself or about Jake. That is why I have kept the blog 100% anonymous and will continue to do so.

As for us, we are taking things slowly. Tax season is going as well as can be expected. I have a fantastic support system who has stepped in to watch Zack for me on Saturday's until I feel that Jake will be able to do so. We are refinancing the house, in my name only, so in the event that something like this continues to be a problem I will be able to make sure that my son and I are taken care of.

He is, and continues to be my first priority. I put him second for the first 10 weeks of his life and I will never do that again...

Can I borrow your car?

On Wednesday after I picked Zack up from daycare I noticed that my car was sort of making a weird noise. After I fed the horses I noticed that the noise was getting worse and my transmission was also starting to slip.

So, bright and early Thursday morning I hauled my butt to the dealer and told them I thought my transmission was going out. I explained the problem and graciously accepted my ride in the courtesy shuttle to work. About 2:00 my phone rang. It was the woman from the dealership.

"Heather, I just wanted to call and tell you that you have some major engine trouble. It will be at least a couple of days before it is fixed."

Engine trouble... it's the transmission... NOT the engine...but whatever....

"They don't have it exactly diagnosed yet but it appears as if it should be covered by your extended warranty."

Half an hour later my phone rings again.

"I just wanted to call and let you know they have to replace the transmission. It will probably be first of next week before they can get it fixed. There is a $100 deductible on your extended warranty but other than that the rest is covered."

So, I borrowed my parents Tahoe, which they needed back on Saturday evening and I returned to them, in one piece and in full working order. I switched them for my mom's pickup. It was not so lucky.

Yesterday when I got out of the truck at the store I noticed that the defrost fan was still running. Odd... then I took the key out of the ignition, still running... more odd...

45 minutes later I came back to the truck... defrost fan still running. Ok, now something is definitely wrong here. Jake thought I was making it up, my friend Jess thought there's no way that can happen. Ahh... but this is me. And it can... and it DID!! So, since the fan wouldn't shut off it proceeded to promptly kill the battery. Good times!!

Jake jumped my car this morning and I drove it straight to the dealership. They said it is still under warranty and hopefully it can be fixed post haste or I'm not sure HOW I'm getting home tonight.

Anyone else have a vehicle I can drive??

Change

If Nothing Changes....
.
.
.
.
.
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Nothing Changes....

If we are unhappy with an aspect of our lives, we must change ourselves. Changing others is a futile attempt.

Changes are happening....

I'll try to write more soon.

Fun Facts

Zackary did you see a baby pig at school today??

Yeah!!

Was he pretty neat?

Yeah!! Don't pull his tail!! He cry!!

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E...E...E... Eeefants eat peanuts.

They do? Elephants eat peanuts??

Yeah!!

A...a...a...And Eeefants need bafff

Really?

Yeah... eeefants stinky!!

How's it Going?

E-mail exchange with boss who is in Florida at "Training"

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Are you enjoying the nice cold weather?
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It is 3 degrees outside. The low today is supposed to be -12 actual temperature and the high tomorrow is supposed to BE -2. I couldn't be enjoying myself more if I tried....

Oh yeah, did I mention that we had to pay to have someone plow our driveway on Saturday because it was nearly impassible after the "dusting" of snow we were supposed to get that turned into 6 inches and NOW.... NOW.... I have to have it done again because we have had another 4 - 6 inches of snow in the last two days. My boots are only so high, I'm going to have to get hip waders if this keeps up.

But sure... it's wonderful, and all things lovely. :-)

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I might not come back.

The Making of a Christmas Miracle

Step one - Traipse to store to admire pick out train set.

Step two - See that there is only one train set on floor, assume there are more in back, go home to think about major purchase.

Step three- Decide this is, indead, the exact set you want, take off early from work and drive to toy store only to discover that they are sold out and may get more in a few days.

Step four - Drive across town while on hold with ANOTHER toy store to see if they have it in stock. Pull into their parking lot without actually getting off hold (20 mintues later) only to discover that they too are sold out.

Step five - cuss self for not buying one remaining train set when had a chance.

Step six - Call store at end of the week when their truck was supposed to come in only to find out that train set was not on that truck but might be on another one later.

Step seven - panic a little when you realize that all your son has said for three weeks is "Santa Choo Choo" and Santa might not be able to deliver

Step eight - Order train set on-sale on line but with shipping basically pay what you would have paid in the store

Step nine - Go to parents house on December 12th with wild ideas of putting train set together in record time. Open box and realize that there are approximately one million seven hundred thousand pieces.

Step ten - close box and transport it to basement of our house

Step eleven - pull box out on December 20th and cuss many pieces slightly.

Step twelve - 45 minutes later you have two drawers. Go team!!

Step thirteen - Two hours into the project the table is put together.

Step fourteen - Open the little boxes and see thousands of little train pieces, have small heart attack, weep silently and give up for the night.

Step fifteen - Spend another hour on December 22nd putting together a round house and other miscellaneous pieces.

Step sixteen - The great assembly starts at 9:15 and is finished by 10:00. There are a few cuss words shed and a small moment when I almost chucked afformentioned round house at Jake's head but the train set is together and it looks great.

Step seventeen - awake at 7:00 and stare at the clock. Is he awake yet? Do I hear him stiring?

Step eighteen - Realize that all of the hard work was worth it to see this moment

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Sorry it took me so long to get this up. Things here are crazy and the site will probably go dark for a couple of days. Tax season is starting, we're trying to refinance our house, and lots of personal issues do not leave much time for blogging. I hope to be back soon!!

The Making of An Office

Do you all remember this post? Here let me refresh your memory... THIS is what my office looked like just a few short weeks ago.
Just looking at those pictures is giving me a panic attack. I keep looking and then I look again and I think really? I left it like that for how long?? SERIOUSLY??

And this... this is my office now... I absolutely LOVE it!! I could LIVE in it. Which is a good thing because tax season starts in TWO DAYS!! And then I will be living in it for about three and a half months.

So, what do you think? Better?? :-)

Picture Question

If someone has professional pictures taken of their child who is 22 Months and 10 Days old could they count as 2 year old pictures (because perhaps they purchased SEVERAL of these pictures) or must that person shell out another hundred dollars for 2 year old pictures when the child has actually reached the age of two??

Reality Check

Just when I think that the holidays are crazy and perhaps I'd like to just crawl back into bed something happens that reminds me that I have SOOO much to be thankful for.

A guy that I work with lost his grandson on Christmas Eve. He suffered from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome which requires a series of surgeries to treat. He would have never been cured but his prognosis was looking good and they were gearing up for their next surgery.

Unfortunately he did not make it to his next surgery. He was just shy of his first birthday when, on Wednesday he was playing in his living room and apparently had a heart attack. (The autopsy will confirm this). Either way he arrested in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and they were unable to bring him back.

I get goosebumps any time I think about this and my heart has been heavy since I heard the news on Wednesday afternoon. Please hug your babies and send your thoughts and prayers to this family who will, I'm sure, never be the same again.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours

Hello All-

This has been another busy year for us. We ended last year with Zack's first Christmas and then went right into his 1st birthday extravaganza. We may have gotten a little carried away last year and invited pretty much every one in our address book!!

After Zack's 1st birthday came tax season and Jake got a real taste of being a single parent. He dropped Zack off, picked him up and many nights put him to bed only to do the same thing all over again the next day. I still have the same job as last year but this year I'm going to try to work from home more to try to limit the time I am away from them both. Jake's new job keeps him pretty busy and I think Zack needs a reliable schedule.

As for Jake, he has a new job. He worked for the mobile home park for a little over a year and then one day he came back from lunch and they told him his job had been eliminated. Downsized due to rising gas prices and the bad economy. In the end though, it all worked out for the best. He now works for a water company and while the hours are a little longer this job offers benefits which is a real plus.

As for Zack, he is an active toddler. He says more words than I can even count and he talks from the time he gets up until he goes to bed. He has such a personality and he makes Jake and I laugh out loud at least once a day.

He loves to be outside and just a week or so ago he got his first taste of snow. He LOVES it. He is always asking me if he can walk in the snow. He doesn't seem to care at all that it is only 20 degrees outside and I think he will be an avid outdoorsman just like his daddy.

Speaking of loving nature, he L-O-V-E-S the horses and cows at both grandparents houses. All summer that was the highlight of his trips, getting to see the horses or the cows. He has no fear of either of them and would walk right up to, or under them, if we would let him.

His other favorite thing is the "tack-tors" and the "bombine" at Grandma & Grandpa's house. Until it got cold out every time he was over there he would convince one of them to ride on the gator or one of the "big tacktors." At least once a week he asks me to ride in the combine and I tell him it is too cold. So I'm not sure what I'll tell him when it warms up and he still can't do it. Perhaps by then he will just be happy with getting to ride in the tractors again.

Happy Holidays to all of our friends and family!!

Jake, Heather, & Zackary

To Gift or Not to Gift

That is the question....

Daycare teachers/providers. Do you give them a gift? Do you take them a tray of cookies? Do you just assume that since you are paying them for their services that is gift enough?

Last year I was new to all of this holiday daycare stuff so imagine my surprise when Zack's teacher's started giving him gifts and in return I saw other parents bringing in cookie plates and gift sacks. By the time I realized what was going on, it was too late for me to recover. I just pretended not to know any better and went on my way.

This year, however, I vowed to be different. Zack has loved all three of his primary teachers this year and so I wanted to make sure we show them some appreciation.

Which brings us to the next question. What do you give a daycare teacher/provider? Gift certificates for restaurants, shopping centers, coffee places? Cookies and holiday treats? In the end I settled on willow tree angels.

Wisdom - for his two teachers from January through the end of September

Angel of Learning - for his teacher now Angel of Wishes - for his Tuesday night babysitter/afternoon teacher (who is by the way the sweetest little girl and I'm SOO sad that she's a senior and graduating!!)

So what do you think? What did you get your daycare teachers/providers??

Rejected

So a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about all of the people I used to know and I got curious about one ex-boyfriend in particular. We didn't have a particularly bad falling out, just sort of a our lives are going in two different directions. So, I decided to see if he was on facebook. And he was....

Apparently, he has dropped the last letter of his first name in an effort to look more cool, I'm not sure. But from the picture, it was most definitely still him. So to investigate what he was up to and also to see if I could get the scoop on the missing letter I requested to be his friend. (His profile was private)

A week later, I had heard nothing. So, I did a search for him again thinking that if he was just not a frequent facebook checker perhaps he had just not seen the request. But... low and behold there beside his name was add as a friend again. Meaning that he had rejected me but I could plead my case again.

So, being a slow learner, I sent him another request. And being a Jack@$$ cautious facebook user he rejected me AGAIN!! I'm not sure what to think. There is a part of me that is offended and then there's a part of me that just laughs at the fact that obviously HE hasn't let it go.

So, have you ever been rejected on facebook or am I the only one? Have you found anyone you never thought you'd talk to again??

Christmas Cards

Ok, who's freaking idea was it to send out 100 Christmas Cards?? And not only to send them out but to hand write a nice note to people I don't see much or who don't read this blog and also to hand address the envelopes??

DAMN!! I don't hand write things. I'm a wienie and my arm hurts damn it. I'm a typer not a writer!!

Last year someone told me if I was going to print out a Christmas letter and print out the envelopes than I might as well not send them out at all because I wasn't doing anything personal. I'm not sure I believe this... but some part of me must have because I'm doing them the old fashioned way this year.

The letters are, of course, still printed but the envelopes are hand addressed and there are personal messages in several of them. Except you... if you're reading here and you're getting a card for me chances are I said to myself, ahh... they'll understand.

Because seriously, I can only write so much!!

Next year I'm re-thinking the printing envelopes thing again!! :-)

It's F%$#ing Cold!!!

Right now the thermometer in my computer toolbar reads -2. According to the weather man the windchill is somewhere around -30 which, I'm pretty sure, is exactly the temperature in my bathroom.

No really, I'm not making this up. We live in a 100 year old house. Well actually 110 years old if you want to be specific, but who's keeping track? Our bathroom was an afterthought.

See, there's that nice square house and then sticking out the back there... yeah that addition is our back porch and our bathroom.

Our UNINSULATED back porch and bathroom. (Oh did I forget to mention that little detail??) When we resided our house (sorry these were the only pictures I could find in a hurry) we wrapped the whole house with that micro board that they put under siding that is supposed to provide some insulation but let me tell you, it's not much.

If it is cold outside it is cold in our bathroom. If it is windy and cold our bathroom turns into Antarctica. Imagine stepping outside in the cold, stripping naked and then jumping into a porcelain tub. Yeah, that was pretty much my morning.

When I got into the shower this morning my foam bathmat crunched under my feet. I'm pretty sure that means it was frozen solid and I don't know about you, but I'm not sure frozen and in the house (not in a freezer) are supposed to go together.

It's like the thrill of running from the house in the snow to jump into a hot tub, only without the hot tub, and really, without the thrill. :0

For now, we just close the bathroom door in the hopes of containing most of the frozen tundra in that one room for now. On the upside we will never run out of places to store the frozen food!!

Yes Sir

Zack has given me his cold. Yesterday when he woke up from his nap I was pretty sure that I would rather be in bed still sleeping. So having watched the Jungle Book about 10 times in the last 5 days I put in the Jungle Book 2.

In that movie Mogli says yes sir to the man in the Village. Ever since he watched it yesterday he has answered every question with "Yes Sir."

I can't decide if it's completely adorable or slightly disturbing. I'm all about manners but Yes Sir from a two year old seems a bit extreme.

I guess we'll see how long this lasts. :-)

Friday Confessionals

It is entirely possible that my son hasn't had a bath since Tuesday night.

I did wash his stinky piggies, and he does have eczema so we are not supposed to bathe him EVERY night......

Santa may have just moved me to the naughty list....

The Masterpiece

A copy of the masterpiece its self for your viewing pleasure...

I think Miss Jessica ran right out and bought a frame!! :-)

I Maked It..

Last night when I picked Zack up from daycare I grabbed his daily coloring project, went in to pick him up and started loading him in the car. Same routine as we always do.

Before I put him in his car seat I always set his art projects on the back seat. Last night he saw it and said:

"I maked that..."

Nothing unusual. Usually when he sees his things he will tell me he maked it or he colored it...

"I maked that for Jessica...."

Wait... what?? Now this was different....

"Puppy all clean...."

On Monday night Miss Jessica gave puppy a swim in her washing machine to get him all clean and apparently yesterday Zack colored her a picture to thank her.

So we promptly headed right over there to give her the first picture he has EVER colored for anyone.

Jess, you should feel very lucky. This is the first time he has ever told me that he wanted to give a picture to someone. I think Zack and Puppy are very thankful for your efforts.

"Puppy no stinky no more...."

Six of One, Half Dozen of Another

Today it was supposed to snow. Blizzard actually. So last night as I was filling up my car and watching all of the people fill up their SUV's I was thinking to myself, Self... perhaps this car thing was not one of your wiser moves. How exactly do you expect to get out of your driveway if there is 6 inches of snow??

And then the pump clicked, signaling me that it was done filling up my car, from empty. Actually a lot past empty and and what to my wondering eyes did appear?

And that... that made it all worth while.

Besides, it didn't blizzard. We got a thin layer of ice and only an inch or two so other than having to get a running start at it... I made it out of the driveway just fine.