However, it wasn't until very recently that I have been able to understand exactly why it is that this song really speaks to me. I have listened to this song over and over and I understand that it is about someone who is being cheated on, which I have been, but my connection seemed deeper than that. In fact, it wasn't until this weekend, as I was discussing distorted thinking that it really dawned on me.
When you live with an addict your thinking becomes so distorted that you begin to think their problem is because of you. You convince yourself that if they loved you more they would stay with you instead of going out to use. Perhaps if you show them more love they will stay with you and not go out to use. I was so convinced that if I intercepted the calls from the druggies I could convince them not to call again or I could convince Jake to stay. Perhaps if he never knew they called he wouldn't want to go out and party with them he would want to stay home with me.
All of these are failed attempts to try to control this disease known as addiction. What I have learned in Al-anon is that the addict has a compulsion to use. It doesn't matter how much they love anyone their addiction is stronger than their love. That is why a mother could leave her child to go use drugs. That is why my husband could leave Zack and I in the hospital to go get high. He was driven to do so.
With that said, it doesn't make what I went through any easier and it doesn't make it OK. It just makes me understand it a little more and know that from watching this video and seeing the pain in her face that was a place that I was in for 10 years and a place I never want to go back to.
Towards the end of his journey I was not strong enough to take the necessary steps myself. It took some very dear friends of mine to remind me that I needed to think of myself and my son first and that we deserved better and then for them to help me find the strengh to commit Jake.
I don't think I will ever look at this song the way other people do, but I still love it. Just in a different way than others do. I have put the lyrics below and put in my own so that you can hear it the way I hear it. The way that reminds me of the pain I never want to return to.
I've been sittin' here stairin' at the clock on the wall
And I've been layin' here prayin' Prayin'
It's just another call from
And I'll be beggin' you baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waitin'
My Heart on my sleeve
Oh for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years and I think I'm dyin'
What do I have to do to make you see
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
You keep tellin' me baby
There will come a time
When you will
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like bein' used and I'm tired of waitin'
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
I can't take it any longer but my will is gettin' stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does
So next time you find you wanna leave
Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
You can't give me what I need
When
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby why don't you stay
1 comments:
Love the song- (you know that) I can totally see that song having a significance for you- in fact I thought that the first time I heard it!
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