Two year blog-o-versary

Ok, so my two year blog-o-versary came and went about two weeks ago and there was no fan fare. No one sent me any cards and I didn't even get a cake. Not even a little one.... :-(


However, since I didn't remember it until this weekend, I suppose I can't be too upset that none of you did either. Anyhow, I thought since this is such a momentous occasion (even though I'm two weeks late) I would write a little something about it.


Two years ago, on June 13th I started this blog. I had been reading some other people's blogs for awhile and I wanted to create one of my own. A place where family and friends could come and get caught up on our lives and where I could post my thoughts on what was going on in the world.


So, I jumped in with both feet and purchased a site. (Did you know you can get here by entering http://www.hamiltonfamilycircus.com/? Really, try it... I'll wait...) I picked the name because hamiltonfamily and many other variations of the sort were already taken. Then I started thinking about the Family Circus cartoon and how we always seemed to take the long way to get anywhere and sometimes our life seemed very much like a circus and so the name was born. However, shortly after I purchased the domain name I realized that I had NO idea how to make a website and no money to do so.


That is when I stumbled upon blogger. It was free and it pretty much set up your site for you. All you had to do was type in your posts. Now that I could handle. The first order of business was coming up with a tag line. This was our first one....

Lots of people say their house is a zoo. We prefer to refer to our
household as a circus. In a zoo, the animals are in cages, and there is a
semblance of order. At a circus, everyone runs free. There are
always about 3 things happening at once and every once in a while an elephant
breaks loose into the crowd and reeks havoc on several people. That is our
family.

(When I read that again, I sort of miss it. I may have to bring that tag line back!!) So anyhow, the website was born. I started it with one of those lame posts that you find in the beginning of most sites. Hey this is me... welcome to my website. It was followed by some equally lame posts about nothing at all.

Finally I decided to suck it up and actually write about my life. It went badly. VERY BADLY!! The post was long and drawn out and really not all that interesting to read (not unlike what I've got going on now...). Looking back at my posts from those early months I see quite a few of them which are kind of painful. (And quite a few of them that seemed like I just posted them yesterday... where has the time gone.)

Eventually I did have at least one good post, one that still makes me kind of chuckle. (Hey one out of 100 isn't bad!!) No wonder I only had about 5 readers. At Christmas time that year I sent out our website in our Christmas letter. I was convinced that I would see a huge jump in readership and that everyone I knew would be reading what I wrote. It made me really nervous at first and I started really censoring what I wrote.

Then.... no one came. No really. No one!! I asked my mom about it and she told me that people really aren't all that interested in reading what is going on in their families lives. The once a year Christmas letter is enough for them. (And her too, as she was also not reading) So, I stopped censoring what I wrote and just turned this into my own personal space.

Do you know who one of my most loyal readers is now? My mom. Hi mom!! Oh, and I think my dad too. Or at least he told my aunt about the website. Told her if she wanted to know what was going on with Jake and I she could just come here. After all I post it all for the world to see. (I'm not sure if that is a compliment or a slam but I will take it as a compliment. Hi Dad!!)

Oh, speaking of readers... remember that one time when Heather came to visit? I still think about that. I think that may have been the highlight of my blogging career. Pretty sad huh? Two years of writing and I reached my peak within the first six months. Is that sort of like marriage?? After that it's all sort of down hill?

Anyhow, so that is it, the grand story of how this website got started. Since then it has been a series of dry times and times when I post twice a day for weeks. I have put up the most intimate details of my life and loved almost every minute of it.

So now, in honor of this wonderful event I am going to post some little known facts about myself. This list might get long and it might ramble (which you're used to from me) and it might share a bit too much for some of you (mom...shield your eyes) but hey... that's who I am right? I just put it all out here for the world to see.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I think about this website pretty much non-stop

If I could make a career out of it I would, but hey... I'm not Heather remember?

I write posts in my head in the shower

While I'm lying in bed at night

While I'm watching TV

Pretty much everywhere

Only about half of what I write in my head makes it here

Mostly because I forget about it before I get here

No really, since I had my son my memory is terrible

It's either mom-niesia or a serious lack of brain cells from the sleep deprivation

This morning I was getting ready to leave and I couldn't find my keys

I finally gave up looking and just grabbed my spare set

I was in the car and getting ready to put the car in reverse before I realized where they were

I had left them and my cell phone on the back porch when I had let the dogs out this morning

Until that moment I had forgotten completely that I had even let the dogs out

I'm telling you sleep deprivation is a killer

What I write on this blog is pretty much the extent of my life

Over all, I have one of the most boring lives I can imagine

Well, except for the crap that Jake has put me through

I have never smoked a cigarette

I have never done ANY illegal drugs

I have never been drunk (buzzed once or twice but that is it)

Right now I do not drink

And not just because I'm breastfeeding

Because I really am that boring and that much of a control freak

I don't like how it makes me feel and how it makes your inhibitions go down

I like being in control too much to give that up for a mildly good buzzed feeling

On the boring front, if I am ever kidnapped by aliens you can probably judge the exact date and time by the condition of my house

I have a routine that I follow every morning

I get up

I pump

I feed the cats and every other day I clean their litterbox

I feed the dogs and take them outside to their pen

Sometimes I mix those three up a bit just to step outside of my box!!

Then I get in the shower

If Zack is up I change him

Then I feed him

If he's not up yet I wash bottles first

And make myself lunch

Bologna sandwich and chips

Pretty much every day

I always SAY that I'm going to do both of those things in the evenings to save myself time

It never happens

I am too busy with the rest of my boring routine

Mondays I clean the bathroom and wash laundry

Tuesdays it's the kitchen and dishes

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday the rest of the house

If my kitchen looks like it has been hit by a tornado it is probably Tuesday morning

If the cupboards are open I was taken against my will, call 911 immediately

I have a strange quirk about the cupboards

It drives me CRAZY if they are left open

I can not leave the house until they are all closed

Other strange quirks I have

The doors in our house are ALWAYS locked now

They didn't used to be

Before we were robbed (what you missed that? It's a four part thriller... go catch up... I'll wait...) I never locked the doors

Even when we weren't home

Now it is the first thing I do when I walk in the door

Not because I'm worried about someone coming to get me

I worry about Zack

I have irrational fears that someone will come and take him

I check on him two or three times a night

And ALWAYS before I go to bed

Or if I get up in the middle of the night for something

That way if someone steals him I will be able to tell the police how long he's been gone

Except that all the windows and doors in my house are locked

So someone would REALLY have to want to get to him

I also worry that he will stop breathing in his sleep

I was told this would go away once he was older

It hasn't yet

I worry about him a lot

I wouldn't stop to help someone on the side of the road if he was with me

I am afraid another car will come up and hit the back of my car with him in it

Speaking of irrational car fears

I wouldn't stop to help anyone who was in an accident

I have this fear that they would be faking it and as soon as I get out of my car they will pull a knife or a gun on me

I'm not sure I would stop even if they were hit by another car

They could be a stunt man

Working with another person

Trying to kidnap me

This morning I saw a dog walking along the side of the road

I was going to stop to see if it had a collar

But then I was stricken with panic about someone hitting my car with Zack in it

So I decided to come back after I had dropped him off at daycare

Then I promptly forgot about it until just now

I told you my memory is shit!!

Speaking of all things Zack

(Mom... this is where you will want to divert your eyes...)

I had never seen a porn until I was pregnant with Zack

I found once of Jake's and I popped it in to see what all the fuss was about

It was mildly amusing

I did NOT watch the whole thing

I then proceeded to throw out all the additional porns I found in the house (he got a bunch free when they did a flooring job at the lumber yard)

I thought I had them all

Until Jess and Shane came over to help me clean my house

And they kept finding them everywhere

Including in my movie rack

(I think Shane or Matt put them there.... I think I would have noticed if they had been there before that... I think....)

That was really the only thing that embarrassed me...

Them finding his porn

Other than that, I am pretty much an open book

And since I've started pumping I have no modesty either

I have pumped in front of almost every woman that is close to me

I just sort of whip them out and go about my business

A month ago even the exterminator saw my boobs

I think he was more embarrassed than me

I was pumping in the living room because I thought he was leaving

He came back to leave me a ticket

When he walked onto my back porch there is a giant window there and he saw right into my living room

He just left the ticket in the door and hightailed it out of there

Next time maybe he will be on time so I'm not running late

Then I can wait until he is fully out of the driveway before I start pumping

Speaking of that window

I have no peep hole in my house

If someone comes to the door and I want to see who they are I have to go around to that window to see them

That window is at the bottom of my stairs

If you want your own peep show stand outside my back door in the mornings

If anyone knocks and I'm in the shower I have to throw on clothes and then go around and look.

I can't just sneak upstairs like most people can

So, I think that's all the random facts for one day.

Happy blog-o-versary to me,

Happy blog-o-versary to me,

Happy blog-o-versary dear Heather,

Happy blog-o-bersary to me!!

Money Management

I received a question today and my guess is if one person asked me, 10 of you are probably thinking it.

The question was, "If you are that BROKE how do you afford to go see Jake and stay in a hotel and go out to eat? That is expensive in itself."

The answer, I have phenomenal parents and I borrow it from them. I try not to buy much that I don't need during the week because I know that I will be spending money when I go to see him. I am keeping a running total of every dime we have borrowed and I fully intend to pay it back but that is how we are doing it.

I try really hard to pay the day to day bills with the money I make, hence the Verizon situation, and I use their money for food, gas, diapers, etc. I think it is very important for Jake and I and Zack to spend some time together as a family before he is thrust back into our lives and that is why I am willing to borrow the money to go down and see him.

However, when I say that we are going "out to eat" I do not mean we are having $50 meals. It is a $20-$25 dollar dinner and lunch at a fast food restaurant. I try not to spend more than I have to when I am down there and especially when I am up here.

I also try to stress to Jake that we will be paying back this money. It is not free to us and therefore we do not get to live like we did before until it is paid back. He seems to understand, we will see if it continues when he returns home.

So there you have it, paying debt with debt. Man this is living isn't it??

Posting the Ordinary

For those of you who regularly check Zack's site you are going to notice some differences. I am going to/have been posting a lot more video of the ordinary parts of our day. I found out last week that Jake is able to check the website from the Library twice a week.

Since he already misses so much I want him to be able to see what he can, so I'm putting these videos up there. Feel free to skip over them if they bore you or take too much time to download. You will probably be able to tell by the description whether it is something different or special that I'm recording or just the ordinary parts of our day.

Our weekend with Jake

So, Zack and I went and visited Jake this weekend. The 24 hours that we were together were good. We were greeted with the hair, which we discussed earlier, and which against my better judgement I am kind of starting to like. Then, we went out to dinner on Saturday night and then went back to the hotel and fed Zack. He has to have a schedule of when he is doing what throughout the day so we had some time from 6:30 - 8:00 scheduled to swim.


As I was getting Zack ready to go Jake looked at me with concern. "Is it okay to take him in the pool? Aren't we supposed to wait an hour after he eats?" This made me laugh, for a couple of different reasons. Number one because that is a wives tale, and number two because I found it pretty sweet that he was so concerned with his safety.

We only swam for about 20 minutes before Zack started getting fussy. Generally in the evenings is not his best time so we took him back to the room and gave him a bath. I let Jake do it and he kept commenting on how he doesn't know how I do it, he gets so slippery and he's so squirmy. It was nice to be acknowledged for what I do but it was also at that time when I began to realize just how much Jake is missing. Not just the large things but the every day little things.

Zack was asleep by about 7:30 and we had decided to watch a little TV when I noticed a moth flying around the room. I asked Jake to take care of it because I didn't want it landing on Zack. What followed was moth-a-palooza 2007. Jake killed one, than two than about 4 more. He thought he had them all and had just began to fall asleep when I looked up.

On the ceiling were 5 or 6 more moths. I mentioned something to Jake and he was like, "I'm almost asleep, they won't hurt you just shut off the TV and ignore them." However, as I watched there were more and more and more. It looked like a scene out of a bad horror movie.

Finally I jumped out of bed and headed for the door. I told him I was going to get a janitor or someone because I was not sleeping in there. That is when he opened his eyes and realized what was above him. When we checked into the hotel they had told us that they were full so we figured the chances of getting another room were probably pretty slim. Especially another room with a fridge and a microwave for Zack's milk.

Also, as any of you with small kids will attest to, you kind of move into any place you visit so the thought of moving all of our stuff and possibly waking Zack up in the process did not really appeal to us.

So, Jake decided to begin extermination fun. I went and grabbed a plastic bag so I could take our new winged friends up to the front desk once we were done. Over the course of about a half an hour he proceeded to kill 30 or so moths. When I took them up to the front desk I don't think the girl there was really sure what to think.

She did offer to switch us rooms once she realized what we were dealing with but we politely declined stating our previous thoughts. So they gave us a $30 discount on the room. Which isn't a great deal but was better than nothing.

Once I got back to the room Jake ended up killing 3 or 4 more before we were finally able to drift off to sleep with their one lone companion still drifting around the room.

In the morning Zack was awake and chipper at his usual 5:00 wake up time. He laid in bed with us for a little while before getting kind of fussy. I took him and laid him next to me where he went to sleep until about 6:30. At that point he had decided that it was time to awaken for the day so that's what we did.

After we got him fed we went to the continental breakfast which was actually really good. They have waffles, so that was what clenched it for me. Then after breakfast we lounged around until swimming time at 10:30.

This time Zack did really good in the pool. He would kick his legs the whole time he was in the water so it looked like he was swimming. (The video is on his site.) He also got a big kick out of splashing in the water. We were in the pool for about 45 minutes before he decided enough was enough.

When we got back to the room we tried to feed him but he wanted no part of it. He was SOO tired from the pool that he just wanted to go to sleep. Jake and I also took a nap after lunch and the rest of the afternoon was just spent lounging around in the room.

All in all it was a very good time. Way too short but a nice start to spending quality time as a family again.

Hello??

"Hi can I please speak with Heather Hamilton"

Damn... number I didn't know... I KNEW I shouldn't have answered. How'd they get my cell phone anyway?

"Heather this is so and so from Verizon."

Ahh... of course they have my cell number

"Are you aware that there is a $250 balance on your account?"

"Yes."

"I would be happy to take care of that today with a payment from your checking account or your Mastercard or Visa."

If I had the money don't you think I would have paid the bill in the first place?? I've had this phone for 10 years, I think I know how these things work!!

"Actually, I don't have that money right now. That's why I've been paying extra on my bill. As you can see I've been making payments about every two weeks and the amount is down from when I started. I just had one very large month a little while ago."

"Well I would be happy to set up a payment plan with you."

"Ok, but I have been paying extra on my bills."

"Well I just want to advise you that your cell phone could be turned off and then you could be subject to a reconnection fee."

"Ok"

"Alright, thank you, goodbye."

Mmm Hmm... and the point of that call was? So if you call me and get the this phone has been temporarily disconnected you will know why. Have no fear though, I'm pretty confident that they are not going to shut off the phone as long as I continue to make payments. They will just have to be patient.

Going for Broke

So, I was paying bills today... what a depressing job. As it is I do not bring in enough money to pay all of our bills, let alone pay for all of the other bills that seem to be coming in. I still owe the hospital, which seems to me to be no big deal as everyone says they owe the hospital after a delivery.

However, I also have been paying all the co-pays and such on Zack's many trips to the emergency room and the doctors. It seems like I just get a handle on something and then another bill arrives. Please explain to me why it takes them two months to get me a bill? At that point I figure I have paid all I need to pay and then WHAM... here's the rest of your bill.

Today I had to transfer more money into my savings account and I actually had to dip into my Grandma's money. I don't know why this bothers me so much, it has been sitting there for two years, but it really bothers me to have to use that money. When she passed away we all got $2,000 and were told to spend it on something we really wanted. One grandchild bought furniture, one paid for her med school and the others I'm sure did something fun with theirs.

Mine has just been sitting there. Gathering dust, waiting for the day when I knew what I REALLY wanted. I guess this is the day. However, it seems kind of sad to spend it on bills when everyone else got to spend it on fun stuff. But I guess in the grand scheme of things if keeping my family together, or really just keeping my house, is what I want than this is where I will have to spend the money.

Someday when I win the lottery I'm going to start a foundation for people like me. People who are not "poor" but who are struck with an unforeseen circumstance and go from a two income household to a one income household. I'm sure there are lots of women and men out there in the same boat I am in.

I have a good job but my house payment and my bills were designed for a two income household. When that got chopped down to one I just don't make enough. I'm above all the income limits for the public assistance places but I still have bills that are above my income.

Hmm... maybe I need to buy a lottery ticket. Anyone got a dollar they want to loan me?

No Hair

So, I went to pick up Jake this weekend for our weekend pass and this is what greeted me...

Let me re-iterate.... THIS is what greeted me...
This will definitely take some getting used to. He said that it was cooler in the summer and he always wears his hat anyway. I guess if he keeps the hat on, you really don't notice. Maybe I need to buy him some more hats so he will never be without. :-)

(I do have to admit that against my better judgement it is growning on me. The look not the hair obviously!! :-)

On the upside the bald doesn't look quite as bald when there is less hair surrounding it!!

Support

There is a woman who comments on my site sometimes who needs your love and support right now. Her daughter is a drug addict, same as Jake. The difference being she has taken off with her two year old granddaughter.

My heart hurts for this woman. Please go over and give her your support. I'm sure she could use it.

This Bear Bites

Still Here

Well... what a bummer post I left you sitting on for 11 days. Sorry about that. I've been kind of busy. Work has been a little crazy and I'm still (I know it's been 2 1/2 months) trying to get things into a rhythm at home.

It just seems like every time I get things in working order Zack goes and changes on me. Now that he is eating solid foods (well watered down versions of them anyway) and taking baths in his big boy bathtub (all of this is on his site.. I updated it last week) my evenings take a little longer.

Every day that I do this I have more and more respect for single moms. I literally get nothing done between the time I get home from work (6:30) and the time he goes to bed 8:00 besides tend to his needs. After that I'm so exhausted who has time for anything else??

Hopefully once the estimated tax deadline is over (Friday) I will have some more time at work to update this site and maybe take some time off to get some things done at home.

One can always hope anyway.....

Oh Bother...

That would be the kind of day I'm having today. One of those no good very bad types of days. You know what I'm talking about don't you? The kind of day where you focus on all the bad that is going on and forget to think about the good. That's me today...

Zack got up at 4:00. Usually this is not a problem but today he didn't want to settle back down. He just proceeded to lie there and kick me and keep me awake.

My alarm went off at 5:00. I was just dosing back off. I got out of bed at 5:30.

I get downstairs and I notice that the one load of laundry that I have managed to get clean this week will probably have to be re-washed, or at least re-dried because one of my stupid cats decided the laundry basket was her bed!! (Like I have TIME to re-wash clothes!!)

Then I get into the bathroom and notice that one of the cats has decided to use my rug as their own personal barfing ground and hacked a hairball on it.

The dog is loosing weight. He looks awful. I feed him the same amount as always, this week I have doubled it and I don't know if it's stress or if some thing's wrong. I'm afraid to take him to the vet because Jake will be devastated if something is wrong and I am HORRIBLE at lying to him so if I know something he will know something.

I got the bill for Jake's first stay in Broadlawns from 3/20 - 4/13. $20,000. Did you fall out of your chair yet? My portion is $1,900. Yeah... not as bad but still pretty close. I can only imagine the joy that will come when I get the rest of the bill for his second stay.

It is raining. Not just a little sprinkle either. When I was driving to work it was like a fire fighting helicopter was overhead and it had opened the bucket and was just pouring the water out. My hair... well it's a good thing I didn't do much with it because now my bangs are flat and my hair is frizzy...

I miss my son. I miss my son every day but today seems more than usual. He is so happy in the mornings that I just want to stay there with him and watch him smile and laugh. I need to get up earlier so that I can spend more time doing this.

Jake's pass got denied. Did I tell you he was trying to get a pass? He couldn't request one until he had been there 30 days so we counted on a calendar and thought 30 days was Saturday. I think they are counting differently. Technically he won't have been there a month until Monday.

Jake and I got in an argument over the phone last night. About what you ask?? The only thing we have to argue about these days. Money. He wanted some money to go to Costco today and I told him I didn't have any to give him. Only I'm not sure I was that nice about it. It ANGERS me a lot when he talks to me about money. It is like there is a big angry pot inside of me and it boils over whenever that subject comes up.

Finally there is all of this crap with this site. Honestly at this point, at least for this one post, if you don't have something nice and supportive to say PLEASE just keep your comments to yourself. Post on your own website, e-mail your friends, hell e-mail my friends, just don't carbon me on the e-mail okay?

At this point I don't really care what any of you think about the decisions I am making. I know my husband. I know him better than any one else and I have talked to him, more than what I have posted here or told any of you. I know that his addiction is a disease. It is in his family and his marriage is not the only marriage/relationship that has been threatened by it.

Say what you will (to yourselves today) but I am not making excuses for him. I know what he did was wrong and I am not willing for him to just come skipping back into our lives and pretend that nothing happened. But I also know that he has an illness. He didn't get help because he couldn't. He asked for it but then he would always say he could do it on his own. In the end it boils down to what he told me, "it doesn't matter how much you love your family your addiction takes hold and you just can't do it on your own. I wanted to check myself in to a treatment facility but I just couldn't do it."

Believe what you will (still to yourselves) but I chose to believe that he was sick and that in his right state of mind he would never have put anyone he loves in danger nor would he have done some of the things he has done. I know he's sorry, I know that he wants to make things right. I don't need to beat a dead horse by bashing him over and over with what happened. He gets it now we all need to move on.

At this point my sanity depends on surrounding myself with supportive people and on NOT dwelling on what happened in the past. Every time I think about it I have days like this. It happened, it's over and no it DOES NOT MATTER if I know 100% of what happened. It's over and if I'm willing to move on than you all should be willing to let me.

P.S. Thank you to all the anonymous people (whomever you are) who have been so great yesterday and today and have really stood up for me. It helps more than you know!!

326 and other stuff

{Tune of farmer and the dell}

This is my 326th post...

This is my 326th post...

Hi ho the dairy oh...

This is my 326th post...

Ok... now that I've taken the focus off of my last two posts I have something to say. No really me have something to talk about?? I know... you're shocked.

It seems to me that the way that I say things in my posts is misinterpreted by the same people that I thought would be able to know how I speak but apparently they don't. I was going to take the post down but I have spoken to everyone and seem to have cleared everything up so I'm leaving it up. However, to all the people who I have talked to on the phone or in e-mails I hope what you misunderstood has been ironed out and that you understand that I love all of my friends for different reasons.

As for the question from the anonymous poster who didn't want to have any knives thrown their way. I don' t know who you are but I wish that I did. E-mail me and let me know. But I will answer your question.

How do I view Jake's addiction? Is it a conscious decision on his part? A biological illness? Or a little of both?

I believe that it is a biological illness. I have friends who will say that I am making excuses for him, but I'm not. I think that my husband is sick. I think that he wanted to get better, as most addicts do, but he could not get himself there. I think there are parts of the things he did that were decisions he made but for the most part I believe that the addiction called the shots.

That is why I have been so forgiving of him and so willing to help him as long as he is willing to help himself. Because I don't think he hurt us intentionally. I think we were casualties of war so to speak. The war against his addiction. So, I really hope that he is getting the tools that he needs to be able to fight that war on the home front and this time win. Anyone else have any questions? I like questions.

Tripping Over My Own Two Feet

Well my last post hasn't even been up for two hours and already I'm offending people. Believe me when I tell you that was NOT my intention. I was not out to say one friendship was better than another simply to say that I have had and still do have all types of friends.

Both of the people that have been over at my house helping me clean have been WONDERFUL!! They have put their hands into some pretty questionable items and still they continued with their mission. My friend has come back night after night, week after week and this weekend we have FINALLY completed 95% of the cleaning of my house.

It has been messy. We have found some paraphernalia items that Jake hid throughout the house and also cleaned up some messes that my cats left that really should have been taken care of months ago. I have no excuses for my lack of house cleaning skills I can only say that I greatly appreciate her effort and her resolve to make my house a much cleaner and more organized environment.

I also didn't mean to make it sound as if she has no reasons for not hanging out with Jake. She does. He has been mean to her in more ways than one. There have been incidents in restaurants where playful banter has turned into angry words. If I were to make excuses I could say that people on drugs do mean things but I don't need to make excuses for him any more.

The anonymous commenter had it right when they said that my friends are looking out for my best interests and I am aware of that. There is a part of me that is sad because all of this happened and there is a part of me that is sad that I can't just go back to a "normal" life but that is not my friends fault. That is something that has happened in our lives and we have to deal with it.

If Jake is serious about his recovery than he will come out of this place with both feet firmly on the ground and he will take as many steps as is necessary to win back the trust and respect of all of the people around him. If he is not serious I will see it in the faces of those who I hold as my dearest friends and I will lean on them for support as I close the book on that chapter of my life.

Reevaluation

(Please note that all things said in this post about my friends are how I feel about what is going on. They may not necessarily be what they feel or think or even how they would react.. it's mostly how I think they will react or why I think they reacted a certain way.)

When someone is in a situation like Jake is there comes a point in time when you have to reevaluate the company that you keep and decide if they are your friends because of the addiction or your friends no matter what. Unfortunately for Jake 99.9% of the "friends" that he had were only so because they used together. I have had his phone for the past 2 1/2 months. No one has called to check on him. Some of these people knew my number or the house number yet no one has called to see how he is.


The strange part is some of the people whom I thought I would put in that 0.1% of real friends have not called either. I'm not sure if they feel uncomfortable with the situation or if they just figure when he gets out and wants to talk to them he will call.


Oddly enough, on the outside, I find myself in a similar situation with some of my friends. Tracy Lawrence has a song out now called "You find out Who Your Friends Are." (Or something like that) and that song describes a lot of what I've found myself going through these last couple of months and even to a certain extent before Jake left.


I once heard that sometimes your friends are only your friends for a reason or for a season and I believe that is definitely true. In college I had a friend who was my friend for a season. We were in classes together and I was able to help her with her homework and we could hang out sometimes. However once college was over, or really just that semester, she sort of just drifted off into the wind. I still think about her sometimes but I'm sure I will probably never see her again.


At that point in my life I also had a friend for a reason. We were roommates. We talked and hung out because he was there. We knew everything about each others lives because we lived in such close quarters it was convenient to share everything. Then I graduated and he moved away. I still chat with him every once in a while but I couldn't tell you who he's dating now, if anyone, and he wouldn't be able to tell you how Jake is doing.


When Jake and I moved to our house he was really the only friend I had. Then slowly I acquired some friends and he acquired some "friends." I was never allowed to hang out with his "friends", for obvious reasons, and so we started doing some things with my friends. The more we hung out with these people the less I shared with them about Jake and I and our relationship.


With every new couple that we would hang out with I shared less and less until from the outside they would only see a normal couple with the occasional disagreement. Every aspect of our relationship was censored. These people knew all about me and my life but very little truth about Jake's and my life together. This was not their fault really. They believed the truth that I gave them.

If we got into an argument on the phone and they were there I told them the parts that I wanted them to know. I was very careful to change facts or circumstances so that they would know we weren't perfect but also not know the "extent" to which we weren't so. I did this because I wanted to be normal. For so long now that is all I have wanted.


Most people have goals for their relationships. Things they want from them. They want their husbands/wives to do x or they want to be able to get to a place in their relationship where y happens. For me I never really had those goals. All I ever wanted was to be normal to argue about the things that other people do and to never again have to have an argument because I found what looked like drug paraphernalia or because he would get mad and disappear for hours on end.


Then March 20, 2007 happened and this whole little world that I had created came crashing down. In some ways it was a relief. I could finally stop censoring everything and could just tell 100% of the truth. The same thing that I had always told Jake "Tell me the truth and let me decide how I deal with it" I could finally start doing myself.


I like not having to hide anything any more. I like being able to tell my friends everything. I don't like what it has done to some of my relationships.

I have one friend who has really stepped it up. Her and her husband have been there for anything I have needed during this last 2 1/2 months. They have devoted weekends, evenings, money, time, sweat and an occasional hand in something unmentionable while cleaning some part of my previously disgusting house that should really have been cleaned MONTHS sooner!! She always calls and asks if I need anything and she always asks me to go out and do things.

However, I can't help but feel like when Jake gets home, all of that will change. It feels very much to me like in her and her husbands eyes I am no longer normal. I feel like they know all of the things that I hid from them and they are not able to forgive Jake for those nor are they willing to hang out with him. This makes me more sad than you can imagine. I have loved hanging out with them but when Jake gets home I can't just leave him home and go hang out with them. As much as I love these people I can't help but feel like our relationship is going to change a lot when he get back. Like I could come hang out with them when I'm alone but not with him and I won't be alone forever.

I have another friend who has also been a great help to me and my son. She also calls and asks how things are going and is consistently checking on me and wanting to make sure I'm ok. I do not see her and her husband a lot because of distance but they have made me feel as if they would be willing to over look Jake's past and move forward with us as friends. I appreciate this more than she will ever know and I hope that we are still able to be as close as we have become these last few months once Jake comes home.

Then there is the friend whom I used to be closer to than all of the others. She is hurt by my "charade" and our friendship as sort of fallen apart because of it. She feels as if I "lied" to her in a way by not telling her of the troubles that I was having when I told another friend of mine. I can't say that I blame her. Some people do not fully understand how important it is to appear normal. I hope one day that I can fully convey to her that I did not keep everything from her because I didn't trust her, I kept it from her because I didn't want her to see me as different.

The friend that I told happened to catch me on a bad day about a month before everything fell apart and it all just sort of pored out. She asked what was wrong and I needed an ear to babble to so I babbled away. I knew at the time she was not incredibly fond of Jake so telling her was not going to destroy any image that she had of him nor was it really going to tarnish her opinion of him. (Which wasn't that great at the time.)

However to my other friend, I didn't want to be the wife of a drug addict I just wanted to be Heather. Or at times HeatherJake. I was afraid that if she knew his history (she knew the past she didn't know the recent past) or what I had fears that he was still doing she would not want him around her or her children. Again, I can't say that I would blame her if that was the case.

Now don't put words in my mouth here when I say this. I have NEVER gotten any indication from her that this would be the case. Everything I did was solely based on the fears that I had of how things would go.

Now all the cards are on the table. For the most part I think she has moved on from the initial hurt of me not telling her what was going on. However I'm unsure if our friendship will ever be the same. Her and her husband don't call me any more. I wonder if it isn't somewhat like Jake's "friends" that I mentioned up above. Maybe she thinks that I will call her if I want something or want to do something.

That is where she doesn't fully understand the mind set I am in. I don't want to be the 3rd wheel if I'm not wanted and I don't want to make her and her husband uncomfortable. When I have seen them sometimes they ask about Jake sometimes the conversation seems to make them uncomfortable (more so her husband than her). Sometimes I feel like they would rather just gloss over it and go back to things being normal.

So I don't call. I figure they will call me if they want me to "tag along" when they go somewhere. And since they are not calling me and I am not calling them you can only imagine what a cluster f*** our relationship has become.


From the outside to a lot of my other friends it seems as if she is being insensitive, not calling me to see how things are going. However, I see the other side of things. Perhaps she is just giving me some space and waiting for me to call her. Well dear friend, that is probably not going to happen any time soon. I can barely keep track of where I left my son let alone a social calendar. If you want to see me please call. If I'm busy... call again, and again, and again.


And really that goes for all of my friends. I am sorry that I have not been the best friend that I can be lately. I'm sorry if I forgot your birthday or if I have arrived 20 minutes late to something or spaced it off entirely. I never planned on being a single mother with a husband in rehab and adjusting to it has not gone as smoothly as I would have hoped.


Right now my life is about taking care of my son and preparing myself and him for the eventual return of my husband. I hope when that happens that my friends turn out to be real friends and not just friends for a reason or a season. I hope that they can eventually see past the things that Jake has done and understand that addiction makes people do things that do not always have a logical explanation.

I keep coming back to that song about finding out who my friends are. Friends that I thought were friends who have gone away and friends that I wasn't so sure about who have really stepped it up and become big parts of my life. I really hope that they can understand that someday I would love to be normal and I would love them to continue to be a part of my life as I strive to get there.

Wordless Wednesday

{This picture has been removed. You can view it on Zack's site}

This picture will not be up forever but since I'm not posting anything of content this week I figured I should at least earn some goodwill....

Update

I started this yesterday and then my computer sh*t on me and it all went away. I was so discouraged I gave up but have decided to attempt it again today. Someone asked in one of the comments how we were doing so I thought I would give you a little update on all of us. I'll start with youngest and move to oldest. Yes that means I will be last... please don't remind me!! :-)

Zack -

Still adorable. (No really, there are new pictures up on his site if you don't believe me.) Is there anymore update that is needed?

Okay, I'll give you a little more. He's spoiled AND adorable!!

He has absolutely no interest in rolling over or doing tummy time. If you lay him on his back he will happily kick his feet and babble to himself but he has absolutely no interest in reaching for that toy I put just out of reach (like they tell you to do).

If I put him on his stomach he happily lays there and chews on his fist. I have seen him lift his head up from this position a grand total of one time. Other than that... not happening. And as for putting him laying over the boppy, don't even think about it unless you want to hear the wrath of Zackary!!

He has been sleeping through the night for about a month now but he does so in bed beside me. At first he was in the boppy in bed beside me and then in his bassinet and now for the past two weeks he has started out in his own crib. However the end result is always the same.

Sometime in the middle of the night he wakes up and can't find his binkie so he begins to cry. I go in to retrieve said binkie but am tired and disoriented. In theory if I would stand there for 5 minutes or so he would probably go back to sleep and I could go back to bed but did I mention I'm TIRED and I like my sleep?? So into my bed he goes.

I'll let you know if this is still going on when he is 18, until then as someone said on my last post on this topic sometimes I need him more than he needs me and that is so true. I love waking up and being able to kiss his head and hug him.

Jake-

He made it to his long-term treatment program on May 4th. We went one week without talking to each other because that is their rule. In that time, he wrote me a letter. I about fainted from shock when I saw it in the mailbox. Jake does NOT write letters. In fact any time I have asked him to write in one of my cards it has consisted of love ya lots Jake.

Once I did get to talk to him it was obvious that this place is unlike any he has ever been in. His attitude is great. He is very positive about everything and says he really feels so much calmer now that he doesn't have to worry about hiding his addiction or worrying about getting his next fix.

They go to two AA and two NA meetings per week and they also have group sessions as well as one on one's with a counselor. He has to write 100 interference statements (I interfered in so and so's life when I did) and he also has to write his life story (one page for each year he's been alive).

Both of these things require him to take a pretty deep look at his life and how he got where he is. These two things are what hold a lot of people up. It takes them a few months to even begin writing them and so the longer they take to start the longer they take to finish and they can't graduate until they finish. Jake has started his interference statements but not his life story.

On top of the treatment aspects they are also trying to teach them how to be responsible and to live a drug and alcohol free life. Every Saturday they have a car was to raise money for the community (that's how they refer to themselves as a community instead of a treatment facility). They have also helped someone move, babysat puppies, etc. All of this to make money that these people never see.

For addicts this is a big step. Addicts by nature are very selfish people and usually only want to make money if it is going into their pockets. So they are trying to teach them that when you live in a community it takes money to buy food and to go and do fun things so they have to make this money so that they can do those things.

And that is the final step that they are working on. They take them out into the community to go to baseball games and go bowling, fishing, volleyball, etc. All of this is to teach them that they can have fun without drugs and alcohol.

For the most part the facility is run very much like a community. They give them the freedom to mess up if they are not serious about their recovery but at the same time they monitor them for screw ups. They are all given a breathalyzer when they return from any outing and they have to take random UA's while they are there. Eventually he will be able to earn weekend passes and then he will also have to do both when he returns from that.

We visited him on Sunday and I was pretty impressed with the laid back atmosphere. We sat outside under a shade tree with a road 100 feet in front of us never once feeling like he wanted to run away or like there would be anyone there to stop him if he did. It was just a very relaxed community feel.

We are going again this weekend to celebrate his 60 days of sobriety but then after that we will be limiting our visits to every other weekend. Both because of gas prices and also because that is a long time in the car for my little guy (two and a half hours down there and two and a half hours back).

Overall I feel very lucky that we were able to find a program that seems to be such a great fit for Jake and where he finally seems to be taking his recovery seriously.

Me -

Amazingly enough here is where I draw a blank. I seem to be able to go on and on about everyone else but can't think of how I'm doing. I guess in the grand scheme of things I'm surviving. That is sort of how I've been doing it for the last two months. Yeah, you read that right, on Sunday it will be two months since Jake was committed.

I guess if I think about it too much I get overwhelmed so I try to just take it one day at a time. My friend Jess has really been helping me to get organized. Her philosophy is that if you get rid of the clutter your life will feel less hectic. For the most part it seems to be working.

There are days when she is pushing me to get "projects" done and I just want to scream at her but then once it is done I look back and I think wow, this is so nice. Like right now my bathroom and kitchen are organized and everything is put away. It is so nice not to have all the clutter lying around. If someone is coming over it takes me 10 minutes to tidy up those rooms as opposed to 10 hours.

Since Jake has been at the long term facility I have had a few moments of overwhelming stress and anxiety but I just write him letters or vent to friends and I seem to be able to deal with it quite well. My most recent thing has been a little bit of jealousy. (Actually I'm not really sure that's what it is but I don't know how else to describe it.)

Maybe it's more of a that's not fair attitude. You know, he doesn't have to work. He gets to go to baseball games and go bowling and play volleyball, etc. and I'm stuck here getting up at 5:00 in the morning and working all day and then going home and working there to try to get Jess's "projects" done. (Love ya Jess...)

However, once I really examined it I realized that those are things that he HAS to do to get better. If they don't teach him how to go out in public and not use he will just come back home and be tempted to use again. If they don't teach him to work at odd jobs and give the money to the community than that will be a battle that I have to fight.

As for how the rest of me is doing I would say alright. I don't really get lonely at night because I have a really cute man that keeps me company. He's a little demanding at times but he gives the best cuddles and the most wonderful kisses.

My mom has been helping me out with the money situation and so I don't feel like I'm drowning too badly yet. Although I had to begin tapping into my savings this week and that was sort of depressing. Once that runs out then I will really feel like I am treading water.

I try to stay strong for my son and also for myself. I've never been real good with falling apart. It's not really my style. So for now I'm just kind of hanging out.

Anything you want to know that I missed?

Waste of my time...

So... before Jake had all of this crap going on I had never really had any experience with the state system. I had heard people make cracks about how they are wasting the taxpayer money but I never really understood it until now.

Right after Jake got committed I got a call from DHS. They said they needed to do a home visit because of the circumstances involving his committal. So, I agreed. Then my family and my friends all came over to clean my house and help me get ready for this "home visit."

On the phone I had not gotten a great impression of this worker and meeting her in person didn't help. She was a flake. (I can say this because she is no longer my worker.) She showed up 15 minutes late to the home visit leaving me sitting in my living room frantically worrying that I had gotten the time wrong.

Then once she got there she walked in sat in the living room asked me a few questions and then proceeded to talk about herself for the next 45 minutes. I learned about her dog and her cat and where she lives and cases she's worked on, etc.

Very sweet lady, very scatter brained. She left the first meeting and I thought to myself oh God I'm in trouble. My son's fate is in the hands of THIS woman?? She was supposed to talk to some people in her office about long-term treatment options. Two weeks later I still had not heard anything.

So I called her, she called me back with no answers and basically told me what I already knew. G-R-E-A-T... thanks for the help. After that she told me that she was going to call me later to set up an appointment to transfer me to another case worker. Basically she does the initial assessment and then any further monitoring (i.e. Jake's UA's (Urine analysis... drug tests) when he returns) will be done by the new lady.

So, another three weeks went by until one day I returned from work to find a message on my answering machine. "Hi Heather this is .... I'm here with the new worker and we are just calling to set up a time to do the hand off." Ok... she knows I work, I gave her my business card why would she think I would get her message. This was a Friday. Monday morning I call her back.

This time I give her my cell phone number. THURSDAY she calls again. Leaves another message on my home phone. Still NOT going to be there during the day. So Friday I call her back. I give her my cell phone number AGAIN and finally that afternoon she calls my cell and we set a date for last Tuesday.

So Tuesday her and the other worker show up. She introduces me and asks a couple of questions. Still neither one of them looks around my house (which is a tad bit messier this time). I could have a meth lab in my basement or a cage that I lock my son in upstairs. No one looks.

Then as they are leaving the new worker (much nicer, MUCH less scatterbrained) says to me "I will give you a call in a couple of weeks to set up a home visit so I can get some history from you."

Hello?? She was at my house. Why didn't she ask me the questions then instead of making me take time out of ANOTHER one of my evenings to meet with her??

So the final icing on the cake happened this morning. I go to the DHS office to talk to them about aid. I had mailed in an application at the beginning of last week. I figured I was over the income threshold but everyone told me to at least apply. So Monday I get this letter in the mail saying that I have to be at their office at 8:00 on Thursday for an interview for aid.

No where in this letter did it say anything about my income being too high or anything. So I thought maybe since Jake was on a state commitment order and my bills were more than my income there might be a program I qualify for.

I get there bright and early this morning, I wait with the 20 thousand other people for them to open the doors. The women with their screaming children even though it states specifically on the application NOT to bring your children. I'm feeling very out of place but I figure maybe this will be a good thing. Maybe there is some grant or something that I qualify for.

They open the doors and it is a mad dash to the front counter to check in. Then I sit down and I wait. Twenty minutes later they call my name and I head back to this woman's office. I no sooner sat down than she looks at me and says "it says in your application that you make this a month. Is that correct?"

"Um, yes.."

"Okay you are over the income threshold. Please sign here, have a nice day."

WTF?? They made me go down there for that? Couldn't they have told me that in a letter?

After 60 days of dealing with these agencies I now fully understand why people say that they are a waste of taxpayer money. They have paid two DHS workers to come to my house twice now to sit in my living room and make small talk. They have also paid someone to write a letter to me and then to process my paper work and speak with me this morning when all the had to do was say denied and save us all some time.

What a crock!!

Mamma's got a new do...

Well, I chopped all my hair off last night. Well, to clarify it wasn't ALL of my hair... just a few inches. The lady that does my hair told me that I had "mom" hair and that I needed a change. So, she recommended a few highlights and a shorter do. Something that I could just wash and wear. Oh yes... wash and wear is GREAT!!

I forgot to take before pictures but I have a few pictures of my hair from when someone would take a picture of Zack and I would be holding him. It should be enough to give you the gist of what we were working with.

So that was the before and here is the after...
She put some highlights in which I have never done before and then obviously... there's the length thing.
I tried to re-create it this morning... but I think it was a little too puffy. Or maybe that was just my eyes. It was 6:00 after all...
Some people have commented on it and some people have ignored it all together. Since it is a VERY large change and one of the girls who has not said anything KNEW I was going to get my hair cut yesterday I suspect that some people are practicing their etiquette techniques. (Or in the eloquent words of Miss Jessica they think I look like I got broadsided by Edward Sissorhands.)

Normally this would make me all self conscious. But.. it's only hair. It will grow back. If you don't like it say hey, you know it might look better this way. I may listen and I may not but I won't be offended. Personally it's new, it's different and hey... it's wash and wear!!

Help Decorate

Okay, my friend Jess is helping me to decorate and organize my house. She has been WONDERFUL and now she needs your help.

Go here... (for those of you who are computer challenged you click on the word here and you will go to another site. See how it's a different color... ohhh pretty... wait... don't get distracted.. just click)

Once you get there you can help give her ideas on what to put in my bathroom. Personally I'm voting for picture number one and two and number three DEFINITELY needs to be hung up in my cubical!!

Feeling Good...

You have to read this...

I sth-feel th-so goooood...

No really... I'm STILL laughing!!

What's in a name?

As most of you know (if you don't know... where have you been???) we named our son Zackary. Z-A-C-K-A-R-Y that's Zack for short.

Now I am a child of the 80's and 90's so I grew up with Saved by the Bell. The only Zack I knew of was on that show and his name was spelled Z-A-C-K. So... when we decided on our name that was how I immediately thought to spell it.

In fact, it didn't really dawn on me until AFTER he was born that we had apparently picked the unusual way to spell it. Even on his own website and on this website people spell it Z-A-C-H in the comments. Even though if you look over there... yeah... to your right... do you see it yet? Oh yes, where it says All Zack, all the time.... it is spelled Z-A-C-K people still continue to misspell it.

So since it appears as if I am going to be dealing with this for the rest of his life I would like to know how you all have handled it. Do you or your children have a name that people continually misspell? Do you correct them or just leave it misspelled? What about when it is on paperwork? Do you correct it then?

Feel free to post anonymously if you want to share your name or your children's names but don't want people to know who you are.

Loosing my mind...

Ok, I know that they say when you are pregnant the baby takes all of your brains but when do I get them back? No really... it's been sixteen weeks, I think it's about time.

To what am I referring, well let's just start with this weekend shall we? My friend Katie and I {see I just typed that and forgot the and I part of the sentence.. I'm really loosing it} took Zack to the mall to have his three month pictures taken (they are up on his website if you want to see them). While at the mall we stopped in the food court to eat some lunch.

After we got done having his pictures taken I noticed that I did not have my coat. In my coat was my keys and my cell phone. Since I drove this presented quite the problem. I ran from one end of the mall to the other in an desperate attempt to find my coat. No coat.

Luckily some WONDERFUL Samaritan, or mall security personnel, found said coat and took it to customer service. Where I was able to retrieve it after running back to that end of the mall. And believe me when I tell you people I do not run and if I do it is NOT pretty!!

So, we have my coat and we head for the car. I take Zack's car seat out of the stroller and put it in the car. Taking great care to put the handle down and even having a conversation with Katie about why we have to put the handle down.

4 blocks later we arrive at our destination to get Katie's hair cut. I climb in the back seat to retrieve Zack and suddenly realize that I never buckled him in. Sure I put the damn handle down so the car seat would have stayed put if we had been in a car accident it's just the child that wouldn't have.

Still not convinced? Last night I pulled into our driveway and went to get Zack out of the car only to discover that I didn't have my lunch bag. The very same lunch bag that contains ALL of the milk I have pumped for the day. (16 ounces for yesterday!!) Now I KNOW that I got the lunch bag out of the refrigerator and carried it to my car so it must have fallen out at daycare or in the parking garage.

Not wanting to loose 16 ounces of milk not to mention the bag and pump parts I jump back in the car and drive back to daycare. No lunch bag. So I jump on the interstate the whole time trying to run through what I did after work in my head. I just know that I had that lunch bag.

I arrive at work, go upstairs, open the fridge and what do I see sitting on the shelf minding its own business? Yes that's right, my lunch bag. That is 50 minutes of my evening that I wasted that I will NEVER GET BACK!! Please tell me that at some point I will regain at least a portion of my mental capacity?!?!?

Being a Mother

I got this in an e-mail and with Mother's day just around the corner I thought I would share. I've been thinking a lot about being a mom lately. Maybe it's because I'm doing it on my own, maybe it's just the stage I'm getting to with my first child, I'm not sure.

Before I had Zack I had so many ideas on how I would raise him and what we would do and how I would feel and all of that has been thrown out the window. I would have never guessed four months ago that I would still be sneaking into his room at night to check on him. I would have never known that when he takes his naps I would just stare at him just to watch him sleep.

I never would have imagined that he would sleep with me, or that I would love having him there so much. Right now I'm trying to put him in his own bed when he goes to bed but when he cries in the middle of the night I still rush in and bring him back to bed with me.

I'm sure some day I will just rock him and make him stay where he is but right now as much for me as for him I just swoop him up and cuddle him. Somewhere in the last two months I have lost my heart and apparently all sense of logic along with it. He will only be little once and in another couple of years I will have to beg for affection so right now, if he wants to lay with me and reach up and touch my face at three in the morning to make sure I'm still there I'm going to let him do it.

I'm really hoping that the bond that we form now will keep us close so that when he's 16 and he needs advice on girls he will know that he can always come to me. (No he's not allowed to ask for advice before then... this is my baby we're talking about!!)

So for those of you that have children what has changed for you? What have you done that you always swore you would never do? And for those of you who don't what do you see people doing and swear you will never do, maybe some of us mom's can explain to you why sometimes it is easier just to buy the lollipop than to listen to the screams!! :-)

Epiphany

Friday night Zack and I had dinner with some friends. At the restaurant I saw a woman that I used to talk to quite a bit before she moved away. In fact at one point she used to read this website. This woman is married to a man who is was a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.

When I saw him with a drink in front of him at dinner my heart just sank. Then throughout dinner while I was trying to socialize I kept looking over and watching them and all of the memories just came flooding back. This man looked awful (at least to me). He was sweating profusely and I just kept thinking about the times when Jake and I had gone to dinner and he had looked like that.

I remembered being SO embarrassed as he was sweating but still felt like he HAD to order another drink and I kept looking at this man's face and seeing everything that I used to see in Jake's. It haunted me all night long. I don't know if what her husband is doing bothers her and if she still reads here I don't in ANY way want to make her feel bad. All I know is what I told my friend. My heart hurts for her, even if she doesn't know hers is hurting.

And then it dawned on me. I can NEVER go back there. I have been so bothered by this all weekend and even today it gives me chills. That is a part of my life that I have tried to forget but I can't and so I have to deal with it and move on. And part of my dealing with it is to promise myself that I will never re-live those moments.

I don't ever want to sit across the table from a man who I know is messed up and try to be okay with it. I don't ever want to be the bad guy because we don't have the money to buy a six pack of beer or to give him $20 for "food." I can never go back to where the addiction ran our lives instead of us running our lives.

I have now had forty seven days in which I have not had to wonder where he is or walk on eggshells to try to budget money to get him what he needs and still be able to pay our bills so that we don't have a huge fight. I've come too far to ever go back to that place again.

You know it's funny, you don't really realize how deep and dark the hole you are in is until you have begun to climb out of it and you look back. At this point I'm still climbing. I have a firm grip on the rope that is pulling me out and I will loose my fingers from gripping to hard before I will let go and fall back down.

Updated Links

Okay, I just updated my links to add some new bloggers that I read and take off some who have disappeared or have not posted in several weeks/months.

So... did I forget anyone?

Are you sure? Do you have a blog? And I really left you off?

Well what an inconsiderate asshole I can be!!

Send me an e-mail and I will add you straight away!!

Never Mind

"Have you heard from Jake?"

"No. He didn't call me so I assume that he is on his way."

"Well should you call the hospital and check?"

"No. Either he is on his way to the long-term place or he acted up when his ride didn't arrive and they pumped him full of thorizine in which case he will call me next Tuesday."

"What? Huh? They did what?"

"Nothing Grandma. Never mind. I'm sure he's on his way."

Before I was a Mom

I had this e-mailed to me yesterday. I know that Mother's Day is a week and a couple of days away but it spoke to me and so I'm going to post it here.

Before I was a mom-

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunization.

Before I was a Mom-

I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom-

I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom-

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom -

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much

Before I was a Mom.

Irony

Isn't it ironic that Jake is in a car on his way to the long-term treatment program on the same day that he was supposed to graduate from that half-ass MECCA program?

Isn't it also ironic that today I feel more scared than at any other moment in the last 41 days? I have put so much effort and faith into him going to this long-term program and I really feel like this is our last chance.

I want SOO much for it to work that the thought of him even starting terrifies me. If he never starts than he can't fail. However, we can't live our lives in limbo forever. All I can do now is just cross my fingers and pray.

My husband is a different person today than he was a month and a half ago. We laugh together and we have real conversations. I have faith that now that he has a clear head and a drive to succeed he will be just fine. He can do this and I can do this. (Excuse me while I go off and chant that over and over to myself.)

Gift of Gab

Ladies and Gentleman... okay, probably just ladies because I'm not really sure any men read this blog, I have an announcement to make. Some of my friends and I have started a new website.

Gift of Gab

Basically this is a lighthearted "ladies room" type of site. We are all just going to write random questions to readers and observations from our daily lives.

So, if you are so inclined pop on over and say hello. It still has that new blog smell and everything!! :-)

Getting better...

My husband sent me flowers!! *

Since he NEVER sends me flowers I would ask what he did wrong but I think we all know the answer to that question!! :-)

*Well rather I'm sure his mother sent me flowers and signed his name since he has no credit card and no way to go to the flower store but he knows about them because he told me to call him later when he called to wish me a happy birthday and I couldn't figure out why until now.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

My day started at 2:30 this morning. That is when Zack decided that he was hungry. He began to methodically kick me (we will talk about why he was in my bed at a later date) so since he hadn't eaten since 6:00 I figured he might be hungry. So I got up, made him a bottle and went into his room to sit in the rocking chair.

He sucked it down quickly but then began coughing. You can guess what came next. I could hear it and then I heard the splash as the spit up/baby puke hit the carpet. Happy Birthday mommy!! So I turned on the light and cleaned up the mess. It wasn't a whole lot, probably two of the four ounces but it was still more than I wanted to do at 2:30 in the morning.

Luckily the incident didn't wake him up too much because when I put him in his bassinet he immediately went right back to sleep and slept until 5:00. Which is his wake up time. 5:00 every morning wide awake, eyes open time to get up. Who needs an alarm clock??

As for gifts, there is really not much more for me to get today. Jake gave me my card last night because I am going to dinner with Jess and my MIL and SIL tonight. Yes, he got me a card. No, he didn't make it in craft time. His mom bought it for him. However, according to him and her he is the one that remembered and called her and asked her to buy it. If that is true this is the first time in 10 years that he has remembered my birthday all on his own. That in its self is a big enough present.

As for the rest of my gifts. Shane is going to mow my dandelions, I mean lawn, this evening when Jess and I are out to dinner and Jake's grandma got me these metal tiles that hang on the wall that say live, laugh, love.

My friend Danette got me this really cool bracelet with Zack's name on it.

She has one for each of her kids and I really think it is an awesome idea. It reminds me of my little man every time I look down.

Finally, my mom took me shopping on Sunday and bought me a purse and a wallet. I have been needing one for MONTHS and actually got gift cards for Christmas to go get one but have never gotten it done.

My mom knows this which is why she just took me there and made me pick. If she would have given me money or a gift card I would probably still be carrying around my old purse.

So that's my day in a nutshell. I used all of my personal time on maternity leave or I would be taking the day off to go lounge around. So instead I will be working. Yeah for me!! :-)

New Day, New Outlook

I went home last night and decided I needed to do something about my house so I started. I ran the Roomba in the kitchen and the bathroom. I did two loads of laundry and I actually put some laundry away. I also wrote about 15 thank yous for things I have received for Zack.

So today I feel much better. There are still lots of things I need to do but I am getting there. Maybe it took my one bad day yesterday to kick me in the ass who knows. As I told Jake's aunt I felt like it was all crumbling down on top of me yesterday.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things everyone is allowed to have days like that. In fact I even considered pulling down yesterdays post but then I decided against it. It is real and it is who I am and as much as I try to put on a happy face and act like a strong person there are inevitably days that I break and days that I don't feel so strong.

But today, so far, is a good day. Now if I could just figure out how to get to work on time my days could go from good to great!! :-)

Not Getting Easier

I know some of you are probably getting sick of my continual saga. I can tell because my comments have dwindled, although my hit counter still shows about 30-50 hits per day, apparently those people are not interested enough to comment.

However, it is my life and there really is NOTHING else going on with me. So, take it or leave it.

Our weekend was good. We went and saw Jake Friday, Saturday and Sunday. On Friday the woman from the long-term program called me and told me to send the check for Jake's first 21 days which basically means that they have all of his paperwork and he has been accepted she just needs the check to assign him a date to start.

Starting would be great.

As for me, I find myself somewhat overwhelmed today. I have spent most of my afternoon getting caught up on other peoples blogs and trying to forget what is going on in my life. It is not that everything is so different today. It's not. It is basically exactly what it has been for a month I just think it is finally all hitting me today.

I looked into Al-Anon meetings today but when I went to the website it looks like they are geared towards family members of alcoholics. Now while Jake may also be one of those that is not the main support I need right now. I need family members of drug addicts and I'm not sure that's what this is. So, I e-mailed the Iowa chapter of NA and asked them what they recommend. I have not heard back.

For some reason I kept thinking that this would get easier but it has not. Probably because I never really dealt with it during tax season. Who knows. But let me tell you, every day it is different, but never better. Zack changes every day. So while he can now entertain himself more he also sleeps less so it is like a trade off.

I feel like my house is still in a constant uproar. Jess has helped me tremendously with getting things organized but I still have a long way to go. I feel like I take two steps forward and then one step back. Every day I bring home 3-5 dirty outfits from daycare so I am continuously doing laundry and I NEVER get it put away. It's not like I don't try.

Last night I had large plans to get some things done. HaHaHa!! Zack screamed. Oh yes, and then he screamed some more and when he was finished with that, oh yeah.. there was more screaming. At one point I had to take him outside and walk around with him for 45 minutes just to keep him halfway calm. FINALLY at 8:15 I gave him his second bottle in an hour and he passed out.

Well by that point I had to eat and then get his stuff ready for daycare today and it was close to 9:45 by the time I got all of that done. I have mail stacked up on every flat surface in the house and laundry on the ones that don't hold mail. And then there are the floors. I own a Roomba, I really need to run it. But it takes effort to move the chairs and to remember it BEFORE I am 2 miles down the road.

The one thing I do need to make a priority out of though is the extermination. Yesterday there was a spider in my window. A furry black spider probably about the size of a quarter or a half dollar. I DON"T DO SPIDERS!!! Nor will I react well if my son is playing on the floor this summer and picks one up. EWW!! My skin is crawling just thinking about it. Does anyone know how expensive it is to hire an exterminator??

......

..............

........................

Ok, I think I have been severely side tracked. This post had a point. I PROMISE. And the point is... oh hell who knows. I'm having a self pity day today. My birthday is on Wednesday, I'm all alone in my house and I think I am SERIOUSLY pre-menstrual because I am crying at EVERYTHING today!!

Every day things are different here but they have yet to get any easier. When does that happen?? I am getting things done but there always seem to be more things right around the corner. Anyone got some extra cash so I can take a vacation???

Laughter

That settles it. I have become one of THOSE mothers. You know the kind. The one's that think that their kid is the cutest kid in the whole universe and can't see how ANYONE could think otherwise. Yeah... that's me.

Last night I had Zack laughing. This is the first time I have ever heard him laugh so I grabbed the video camera and recorded it. Then I posted it on his site... over there -----> (e-mail me if you don't have the password) and then I e-mailed everyone to tell them it was up there.

Then after a brief waiting period I called, just to see if they had viewed it. Then my mother made a startling realization. You know not everyone thinks he's as cute as we do and wants to just drop everything to see the video.

.
.
.
.
.

What?

.
.
.
.

Huh?

.
.
.
.


How dare they?

Then it dawned on me. I'm AM one of THOSE mom's. The kind that are so blinded by their love that they can't see that their baby's head is lopsided and his eyes are crossed or that their teenager is going through a phase that makes them really awkward and not that great to look at.

.
.
.
.


So... ya wanna see the video of my kid??

Progress

Last night Jake's grandma was in town and so we went to see Jake at Broadlawns. While we were there he asked me to buy him something.

Since he has been committed Jake has asked me to buy him many things.

Chocolate.

Coffee.

Pizza.

Pumpkin Seeds.

Clothing.

McDonalds.

Socks.

You get the point.

Last night Jake looked across the room and asked me if I could buy him an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) book.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

It was the first thing I did when I got in this morning. In fact I bought him two (one full size and one pocket size) just for good measure.