WW: April 15th

To: Heather

Happy End of Tax Season!!Thank you Courtney!! I've already cracked open the first bag!! :-)

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow...

I love ya...

Tomorrow....

You're only...a...day....

A....WAY!!!

April 15th....

Tax day....

Have you filed your taxes yet?

Without You

What... huh??

Last night I was here until 9:10 this morning I was back at work at 5:15.

When my brain returns.... I will return...

In the mean time say it with me will ya??

Only.

14.

More.

Days......

Driving Me to Drink

What's that mommy??

It's a chair.

Why?

Because it is.

Why?

Because that's what it is...

Why?

Because it is a chair... I don't know why. It just is....

Why?

Oh for the love of.....

*******************
I do not drink. I made a decision about 7 years ago not to do so and up until this point I have never questioned or regretted this decision.

Last night I made a phone call to my sister.... after bed time (Ahhh... sweet glorious thing that is bedtime...).

Here is my parenting advice to you... accumulate copious amounts of alcohol before he turns two. You might need it!!

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear.... It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold onto.

~~Marilyn Franklin

Friday Confessionals

Mom... Dad... any members of my immediate family... STOP reading...

Right now...

You think I'm kidding....

But I'm not....

See that X up in the corner....

Press it...

I'll wait....

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Are they gone? Oh for the love of all things holy... do you think I'm kidding. You will NEVER look at me the same if you continue looking. PLEASE... S-T-O-P......

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I have only ever been with one person in my whole life.

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It gets worse... you can STOP reading now...

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Towards the end of our marriage "relations" was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn't think about it, I didn't want it....

Now, I can't STOP thinking about it. If I was a different type of girl I would have been at a bar last weekend, oh wait... I was... maybe that's a bad example. N-E-Way... If I didn't have this extreme fear of some weirdo coming to my house and killing me I would totally be all over the one night stands.

As it is, I just want to borrow a guy, someone who I know is safe and won't injure me.

Can I borrow yours?

I'll give him back I promise....

**Editors note... it gets worse in the comments... if you are in any way offended by any of this... step away from the comment box!!**

Wordless Wednesday

It Happens

Sorry, I got NOTHING for you today. This is very much the place I am in today. Shhh.... IT Happens. I very much want all of this to be behind me so that we can move on but it seems as if that will not be the case.

The divorce is on hold. Partly because my lawyer wants to see if he will be having any sort of income soon or if he will be going to treatment and partly because there is still a no contact order making it sort of hard to work out things like will he be selling his car to help pay for things while he is gone or will he be keeping it because he needs it to get to meetings and a new job.

He has detoxed so at this point he is not a threat to me. However, with that said, if he comes out and goes straight back to the drugs he could be. I just very much want to be DONE dealing with it right now but unfortunately it will be something I will be dealing with at least for the next 16 years.

I went out this weekend with some new friends and some old friends and I had a BLAST!! It very much gave me renewed energy at least for a couple of days. But today... I'm sort of crashing hard. I just got a call from the county attorney who told me Jake will be in lockup for at least awhile longer. He seemed to indicate to his dad he thought he would get out on the 26th but this guy says not so quickly.

His words to me were that they do not let people out on their arraignments and that unless someone bails him out he will be in there until he makes a plea deal and finishes his sentence. Which, he is thinking will be in jail treatment or out of jail treatment while on probation. But either way a couple more months.

So, while we wait I sit in limbo. The divorce decree has been drafted and just sits... gathering dust. Ugg... I don't like limbo....

Why Blog?

As is the case with most people who blog every month or two I will get a comment from someone, always anonymously amazingly enough, saying how I should keep my dirty laundry to myself and have some respect for the people I'm talking about.

My one for this month came yesterday and while it was not mean, or disrespectful, it did have some points I would like to address. In my case, this comment comes from someone who knows me in real life. I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of who it is since I have a stat counter that tells me where everyone comes from and what time they come here, but if they want to remain anonymous I will let them do so.

They do, however bring up a couple points I would like to address. First and foremost, my son was NOT brought into this world with a "job" to bring my husband an I closer together. No matter what you may think, I HONESTLY thought my husband was clean when we conceived our son. We were the happiest we had ever been, he had a good job with benefits and I thought our lives were going in a very positive direction.

My husband was fired two weeks after I found out I was pregnant for failing to pass a drug test. Too little, too late at that point so we did the best we could with what we had at the time, which apparently was not enough. I will agree with the fact that I was naive, that I knew who he was when I married him, and that I was stupid enough to think I could change him. I will stand up and say I to every bit of that but DON'T bring my son into this. He is the one, most perfect thing, I have ever done in my life and he had then and has now no other "job" than to be a beautiful little boy.

Secondly, I would like to address the tole this has had on Jake's family. I realize that there are people in his family that do not like me airing his dirty laundry on this blog. You being one of them but I have gotten amazingly supportive phone calls and e-mails from his family members and believe me when I tell you what you read here is NOT the entire story.

I realize that some of Jake's family is fairly private. And I have respected that privacy as much as I can in most respects. I did not go into great detail on the blog, I did not share every little thing that was said or done. I stated the basic facts of what happened and quite frankly my motto is, if he didn't want his dirty laundry aired on the blog then perhaps he should make better choices. (And for the record, he has never told me, using or sober, that he doesn't like my blog or that he wants me to take something down.)

When it comes down to it I am airing MY dirty laundry here to but no one seems to care about that. I've never gotten a comment telling me I shouldn't air my dirty laundry. (Maybe it's the cleaner of the two...)

Either way, I want everyone to know that No one... and I do mean NO ONE, thinks that his actions are in any way a reflection on his family. That is something that took me a year to learn in Al-anon. I always thought that people would think badly about me if I told them what he was doing but really, they just think badly of him. Those are his bad choices but never, ever would I say here that they are because he is a bad person.

Jake is a WONDERFUL man and he is a fantastic father, when he is sober and he shows up. I love him with every fiber of my being. He is my addiction and him and I are not good for each other because of that. So we are getting a divorce. But I hope with everything that I am that he gets clean and that he is able to be a part of Zack's life and a part of mine as my friend.

As for blogging all of this. To date I have gotten at least two e-mails and/or comments from random strangers who have found my blog and have been helped by it. Two people who now know that they are not alone. It may seem like a pitty party to you, but it is my way of showing the world that I am human. That this hurts me and that I cry EVERY SINGLE day about this.

It is my way of showing people that this does happen. That it is ok to hurt. It is okay to love someone who has a disease. The supportive comments I got on that post, up until this one at least, have kept me strong. Have helped me to get through this whole week. I reach out to these people because I need them and sometimes they reach back in because they need me too.

This is a network of people that I am not willing to give up and I hope, someday, you can understand that or at least respect it.

Hole in My Sidewalk

I was given a copy of this at my last counseling appointment and I have been meaning to put it up ever since. People... THIS is my life....

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street

- There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Portia Nelson

Moving Forward

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

- The Language of Letting Go

Melody Beattie

Wordless Wednesday

On Saturday after all the madness Zack and I headed up to Miss Katie's house where she took some FANTASTIC pictures of my little man. First Jess, than Katie. He's becoming quite the film extraordinaire. You can see the rest of the pictures on her photography website.

Stupid Boy

Breathe

This song spoke to me today. I'm REALLY struggling today. On Saturday things with Jake went from bad to worse. An argument while he was over visiting Zack that ended with him throwing something at my head, braking a picture that rained glass down on my son, threatening my life, trying to punch me, throwing something else at my head and eventually leaving only to be escorted by the friendly officer, who told me on the phone she chewed his ass all the way to the nice jail building. Where, he continues to sit and think about his choices as of late.

I'm not sure I can adequately explain battered woman's syndrome to you but I can tell you that I have it. And I am SERIOUSLY struggling with it. I want to do what is best for me, I want to do what is best for Zack but I'm not sure whether some of the choices I'm making are accomplishing much in either direction.

As much as I want to just write him off I can't. I don't know if that is because I am addicted to him or because he is the father of my son. As a sober person, Jake is a great guy. As a meth addict, he is... well... unpredictable and hostile at best, homicidal at worst.

Right now, the restraining order is in place keeping me from him. Keeping me from myself. From falling back into the pattern of forgiving him of making things better. That, my friends, is the illness. If you think that I am strong and I am brave, you are wrong. I am scared and I am sick and I fight a huge war within myself every day to go forward with this divorce and to make the best decisions that I can.

Every day I don't talk to him, I get stronger. Every day he is gone and I learn a little more about the life he has been living, I get stronger. Him and I are over. We are getting a divorce. But I struggle with Zack. IF he gets clean, IF he stays sober, I want him in my son's life.

Some days I make decisions that probably make the people in my life want to shake me. (Trust me when I tell you, doing that will NOT help. If you try to tell me what to do or tell me I'm doing it wrong I will just shut down and not tell you.) But I want them to know that I am struggling. I am TRYING!! The best I know how. Towards the end of this song it says:

There's a light at each end of this tunnel

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around

That's where I'm at. I HAVE to go forward. I have to move towards the light at the end of the tunnel. The one that I see but every once and awhile I still struggle. I still want to turn around and look back, maybe to remember how far I've come, maybe because it is SOO hard to continue to go forward.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

That is the rest of where I'm at. I'm not sure that any of this makes any sense but if I keep it inside of me it eats at me. That's why I started the other blog but I haven't been able to be there much with all of this going on and with work being so busy. I'm hoping to devote huge chunks of my time there once tax season is over. Try to get all of this stuff down and out so that it stops eating me inside.

Until then, please be gentle with me. I might not be making the same choices you would be but I am making the best ones that I know how to make and the ones that I think are the best for me and my son. I might stumble and fall flat in the mud but at least I'm moving forward in a positive direction.

One day at a time, breathing in and out....

Cry, Cry

I know a girl she was a waitress
Had a big spirit till she let her boyfriend break it
He always talked her down
Took her pride and kicked it around
Took it as long as she could take it
She left a note on the dresser and hung up her apron

Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright baby

I know a man who tried to ease his mind
Chased his regrets with any bottle he could find
Life cut him down so low
Took his pride and broke his soul
Till he forgave himself and let it go

Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright baby

We're all here just trying to live our lives
Pay our electric bills and spending up our time
There ain't a friend to be found
Who can't break through the concrete clouds
When the rain when the rain comes crashing down

Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

- Cry, Cry (Till The Sun Shines)

Heidi Newfield

F%$#

He.
Got.
Fired.

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.

Wordless Wednesday: My Favorite Time of Day

While I would love to take credit for these pictures... I can not. You must visit the fabulous Jessica to see the rest of them.

Dear Jake-

Two years ago you and I were given the greatest gift imaginable. As I write this he is sleeping in the other room and you are off somewhere doing God knows what. In the past eight days you have spent a grand total of four hours with him. Half of that trying to figure out how to leave him without him getting too upset.

As I watched you hold him and cry last night, promising him that you would do better, I thought perhaps... just maybe... you could understand a little of what you were missing. Yet this evening, as almost every other day in the past eight, you were too tired to visit. You needed to stay home and "relax."

A friend of mine told me perhaps it is because you didn't want a child as badly as I. Perhaps you don't really miss what you were never really sure you wanted. Yet somehow, I don't think that is the case. Perhaps he was my heart's desire but when I saw you with him, when you were you and not the disease, you were just as in love with him as I.

But now, you are the disease. When I close my eyes I see you in a long dark tunnel. When you look around you, all you see is darkness and despair but if you look far enough, squint hard enough you will see a small light at the end of that tunnel. Every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up I pray that you find your way to that light. To that place of peace and happiness that you had a year ago.

But for now, I want you to know that somewhere in the past eight days, your son has learned what an oval is. And while he might confuse the triangle for the square, he knows that there is such a thing as both a triangle and a square and that, my friend, is living proof that I am living with one of the most amazing people I could ever imagine.

Some day, when he is grown, he will form his own opinion of you, and why you were not here. I hope that he, unlike me, is able to see that daddy had a disease and that disease took him away. Because right now, I'm struggling. There is a deep sadness within me and a deep despair at the loss of the man that just a year ago I thought would be in my life forever. I am struggling to understand how you could choose that life over this one and how the disease could "win" when just a year ago we thought we had it beaten.

So, in case I forget to tell you, through all the anger and the sadness and the tears, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have given me the greatest gift I could ever imagine and I promise that I will take care of him in a way that I only wish you could. Someday, when you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel, I hope it is not too late for him to forgive you for all that you missed.

Heather

Friday Confessionals

I have, more times than I would like to admit to... especially since the first of the year, let my son eat a pop tart or a couple nutrigrain bars for dinner.

Hey, he eats good at daycare right??

Wordless Wednesday: Grandpa

I believe the phrase was, "No gamma... gampa's turn!!"

What's My Status?

This morning I was looking at my facebook profile and decided I wanted to update it a bit. So I got to the question about relationship status and was a little stumped.

Where's the button for:

For the second time in two months I had to ask my husband to leave our house after I found that he had been drinking continuing to smoke pot and he had not come home before midnight for three nights in a row and now he's moving into this little tiny apartment and I never knew it was possible to be this scared and relieved all at the same time.

In the end I picked "It's Complicated."

I think that's an understatement....

Friday Confessionals

I'm horrible with birthday & anniversaries. It drives one of my friends CRAZY. I can mark it on my calendar, put it in my planner and make a reminder on my phone and STILL you probably won't get a card from me.

Every year on January 1st I vow to do better. I will remember birthday's I will send out text messages and facebook greetings and regular birthday cards. It lasts until about January 15th before I forget another birthday. This year it was my niece who turned 16. SIXTEEN!! That's a big deal and I totally missed it!!

Truth be told, if you come here on May 2nd I might actually have to be reminded it is my own birthday.

Wordless Wednesday

Faker...

"My mecine...."

"Yeah, that's your medicine."

"Want my mecine..."

"You can't have your medicine right now. It's only for when you're sick."

"UhhAhh... UhhAhhh...." (A two year old's best fake cough)

(Trying not to DIE laughing...)

"I sick mommy!!"
*****************

I am so in over my head here..... :-)

Friday Confessionals

I have drawn a line in the sand with Jake. My very first boundary that I can't take back. If he messes up, if he goes missing, if he is using our lives will change. He will be asked to move out again and the big D word will most likely be in our future.

I'm TERRIFIED of this. I have never, in my life, had a boundary that he didn't cross and a consequence that I stuck to. I'm so afraid that he will cross that line and I will make an excuse for him. That I won't be strong enough to do what I know has to be done.

I know that this is the right choice for me and for my family. I know that we can't keep living that life but as a wonderful blogger that I read said today (on a totally different topic)...

"Knowing something is right just seems so far away from getting to a place where you can be ok with it."

Prayers

I was asked to put this link on my blog. This family needs your thoughts and prayers.

At Christmas their daughter had ear infections and what they thought was a "mystery" black eye. By last week she was gone. Please pray for them!!

http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/

Sometimes it's helpful to be reminded that your life is not always as bad as you think it is!!

A Little Laughter

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

Wordless Wednesday

7th Circle of Hell

I am sorry for the quietness around here lately. Is anyone still out there? Hello??

I feel like I've sort of crossed over into my own little piece of hell where I'm reliving my life from 2 years ago and really, it's not going so well.

I e-mailed the lawyer this morning. I am seeking answers right now and have not made any permanent decisions but I am closer to leaving than I am to staying.

Right now, I'm having a REALLY hard time accepting that we went through all of the last two years for nothing. That after all of this we are spiraling right back to where we were. As far as I know he has not made the leap from pot to meth but I fear that if he doesn't take some drastic steps he will be there soon. I feel like I failed. Like I tried and I failed and now I have to explain to my son that you just can't fix some problems.

I'm sad for Jake.. and I'm sad for our family. Mostly, I'm extreemly sad for my son. I know that some people think I'm strong but I don't feel strong. I feel scared and horribly, horribly sad....

This "[...] is the brave thing to do. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure. But you're not. You're marching into the unknown, armed with... nothing."

- You've Got Mail

N-O

Zacky come here... let's get you dressed.

NO...

N - O

N - O

N - O

Isn't he too little for spelling???

Friday Confessionals

I may or may not have kept my maternity underwear.

In my drawer.

Instead of packing them away.

Because they are just SOO damn comfortable.

Back Seat Driver

Sitting at a stoplight the other morning I hear from the backseat:

It's green mommy!!

Aren't I supposed to have a few more years before he is telling me how to drive??

Friday Confessionals

I may or may not have noticed my child had a low grade fever this morning, doused him with Motrin and sent him on his way.

As a consequence, I may or may not jump every time my phone rings thinking it will be daycare telling me I have to come get him.

Law of Diminishing Productivity

Your child will become sick on Friday night requiring you to drag yourself out of bed at 11:30 and haul yourself over to Grandma's house to retrieve said "sick child."

Your child will then refuse to sleep in their own bed because they are scared because they got sick and will instead insist on sleeping next to you thereby insuring the 5 hours of sleep that you are actually supposed to get will be fitful, making sure you don't roll onto said child.

That same child will then wake up bright and early on Saturday, say 5:30ish and refuse to go back to bed. Acting fine and dandy even though your work schedule is now screwed up because you can't get a babysitter because you are unsure if he is sick or not sick.

When you are done trying to get work done on Saturday and have time to actually baby a sick child said child will be fine. Running around and acting like nothing happened. They will insist on watching movies because mommy is boring but the minute mommy tries to get on the computer while they are watching movies they will DESPERATELY need something.

Said child will then be fine and chipper all day Sunday but come Monday at nap time they will again throw up just for added dramatic effect and to totally throw a wrench in your work week. Your child's daycare will insist that they are sick, even though you know that they just coughed too hard and gagged themselves.

This "sick" child will then proceed to act perfectly normal all of Monday afternoon but will be banned from daycare for 24 hours. Tuesday morning this same "sick" child will rise at the crack of dawn, about 15 minutes after Mommy tries desperately to get some work done since it is TAX SEASON.

Knowing that she has a meeting at 10:30 this same mommy will attempt to play with the child only to be thwarted in her efforts by a child insisting that they want to watch movies. Said child will watch movies quietly on their own for two hours and then a mere five minutes into mommy's hour long webinar will decide to dump an entire LARGE glass of water down thier front and then fill their diaper 45 minutes later.

So... how has your week gone??

How Old are Your Tires??

I just saw a link on a blog I read to a 20/20 report about tire manufacturers selling tires which are more than several years old as new. Which technically they have never been used but they are not "new" as in manufactured within the last year.

There have been some recent studies suggesting that if your tires are more than 6 years old you should not use them, even if they have never been driven on.

You can easily determine your tire's age by going to this website.

This has been your public service announcement for the week!!

Where Did My Baby Go??

Before:

After:

(Ignore the wierd face... I sort of caught him mid cheesey picture smile :-)

So we have officially been clippered!! Before she has always just cut his hair with scissors. Every four weeks, on the dot or it starts to look like the above picture. Finally I decided please... please... PLEASE try the clippers. So we did, and he didn't even notice a difference. But he did wait around staring at her after she was done...

Aaahhhemm... did you forget something??

I want sucker.....

It's the important things in life...

WOW!!

Thank you... all of you for your show of support. It is AMAZING to me that so many people have come out of the woodwork to leave comments. Of course you say super secret anonymous blog and everyone wants in on that action!! :-)

Just a couple of house cleaning issues.

1) Blogger does not give me your e-mail address when you comment so you will need to leave it in the comments section or click on that link over there -----> and send me an e-mail

2) ArmyWifeandMom... see the above.....

3) AmyV... I have responded to your comment in the comments section of the previous post but just to reiterate his seizure in April was NOT... and I repeat NOT drug induced. He was drug tested at the hospital and passed with flying colors for all the spectra of drugs. Please get your facts straight before you make a comment like that because comments like that tend to hurt people's feelings and they also tend to make me, who is already on edge, just a TAD bit defensive and then I get ugly and angry and we just don't need that when I'm sure it was just a simple misunderstanding... k?

Alright... back to tax returns...

The Goings On

"Where have you been?"

"Dealing with things far beyond my maturity level"

-Juno

That is the only excuse that I have to offer you right now for where I have been. I'm not sure how exactly to put this eloquently so I'm just kind of going to throw it out there...

Relapse.

It is a word that I have heard over and over in the rooms of Al-anon. People's husbands, children, wives, 2 months sober and a relapse, a year sober and a relapse, 10 years sober and a relapse. It can happen to anyone. But I never thought that anyone would be me.

Why did I sit there in those meetings and shake my head when someone was talking about a relapse? Why did I think that I had all the answers to how to deal with the situation? Apparently, God had other plans for me. In Al-anon we work the 12 steps the same as the AA people do. And the first step is Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I thought I had this step down pat. I knew I was powerless. I understood that I couldn't control it, only really... I didn't. On January 1st I was reminded that this is a new year... and NOT a year I am in charge of. Instead I quickly learned that no amount of watching, questioning, or controlling is going to stop Jake from doing what Jake is doing. Like it or lump it....

I don't feel a lot of detail is going to really help any of us but for the record it was pot. Started after a family member had some legal troubles. (That I can't write about here) At the time I remember saying to him please talk to someone about how upset you are. These things can lead to relapse. I said them, but I never believed them...

I had started to suspect something for awhile and on New Year's day I found the evidence and I asked him to leave our house until he could decide what he wanted for his life. I've been in Al-anon long enough to know relapse happens. I don't like it, I don't have to like it. I just have to accept it and decide what I'm willing to deal with for myself.

After about a week of him being gone I had decided that if he was willing to get back into his program and pass a drug test I was willing to work on our marriage and our family. We have now started the process of reintegrating him back into our house. Things are getting better. I hated the person that he was for the last two months and I am starting to love, all over again, the person that he is when he is not using.

I could sit here and give you a thousand reasons why I have made the choices I have in the last four weeks but my choices will never be any of your choices and I'm learning very quickly that I have to make the choice that I feel is best for myself and my son at the present moment. Tomorrow, that choice might be different. And that is ok. I only have to take one day at a time.

I have started another blog, an anonymous blog, where I write much more openly about what is going on. I am open to letting some of you read it, as long as you are not related to me. I am VERY open on that blog and I don't want anyone who knows us/is related to us to be offended by things I say about myself or about Jake. That is why I have kept the blog 100% anonymous and will continue to do so.

As for us, we are taking things slowly. Tax season is going as well as can be expected. I have a fantastic support system who has stepped in to watch Zack for me on Saturday's until I feel that Jake will be able to do so. We are refinancing the house, in my name only, so in the event that something like this continues to be a problem I will be able to make sure that my son and I are taken care of.

He is, and continues to be my first priority. I put him second for the first 10 weeks of his life and I will never do that again...

Can I borrow your car?

On Wednesday after I picked Zack up from daycare I noticed that my car was sort of making a weird noise. After I fed the horses I noticed that the noise was getting worse and my transmission was also starting to slip.

So, bright and early Thursday morning I hauled my butt to the dealer and told them I thought my transmission was going out. I explained the problem and graciously accepted my ride in the courtesy shuttle to work. About 2:00 my phone rang. It was the woman from the dealership.

"Heather, I just wanted to call and tell you that you have some major engine trouble. It will be at least a couple of days before it is fixed."

Engine trouble... it's the transmission... NOT the engine...but whatever....

"They don't have it exactly diagnosed yet but it appears as if it should be covered by your extended warranty."

Half an hour later my phone rings again.

"I just wanted to call and let you know they have to replace the transmission. It will probably be first of next week before they can get it fixed. There is a $100 deductible on your extended warranty but other than that the rest is covered."

So, I borrowed my parents Tahoe, which they needed back on Saturday evening and I returned to them, in one piece and in full working order. I switched them for my mom's pickup. It was not so lucky.

Yesterday when I got out of the truck at the store I noticed that the defrost fan was still running. Odd... then I took the key out of the ignition, still running... more odd...

45 minutes later I came back to the truck... defrost fan still running. Ok, now something is definitely wrong here. Jake thought I was making it up, my friend Jess thought there's no way that can happen. Ahh... but this is me. And it can... and it DID!! So, since the fan wouldn't shut off it proceeded to promptly kill the battery. Good times!!

Jake jumped my car this morning and I drove it straight to the dealership. They said it is still under warranty and hopefully it can be fixed post haste or I'm not sure HOW I'm getting home tonight.

Anyone else have a vehicle I can drive??

Change

If Nothing Changes....
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Nothing Changes....

If we are unhappy with an aspect of our lives, we must change ourselves. Changing others is a futile attempt.

Changes are happening....

I'll try to write more soon.

Fun Facts

Zackary did you see a baby pig at school today??

Yeah!!

Was he pretty neat?

Yeah!! Don't pull his tail!! He cry!!

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E...E...E... Eeefants eat peanuts.

They do? Elephants eat peanuts??

Yeah!!

A...a...a...And Eeefants need bafff

Really?

Yeah... eeefants stinky!!

How's it Going?

E-mail exchange with boss who is in Florida at "Training"

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Are you enjoying the nice cold weather?
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It is 3 degrees outside. The low today is supposed to be -12 actual temperature and the high tomorrow is supposed to BE -2. I couldn't be enjoying myself more if I tried....

Oh yeah, did I mention that we had to pay to have someone plow our driveway on Saturday because it was nearly impassible after the "dusting" of snow we were supposed to get that turned into 6 inches and NOW.... NOW.... I have to have it done again because we have had another 4 - 6 inches of snow in the last two days. My boots are only so high, I'm going to have to get hip waders if this keeps up.

But sure... it's wonderful, and all things lovely. :-)

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I might not come back.

The Making of a Christmas Miracle

Step one - Traipse to store to admire pick out train set.

Step two - See that there is only one train set on floor, assume there are more in back, go home to think about major purchase.

Step three- Decide this is, indead, the exact set you want, take off early from work and drive to toy store only to discover that they are sold out and may get more in a few days.

Step four - Drive across town while on hold with ANOTHER toy store to see if they have it in stock. Pull into their parking lot without actually getting off hold (20 mintues later) only to discover that they too are sold out.

Step five - cuss self for not buying one remaining train set when had a chance.

Step six - Call store at end of the week when their truck was supposed to come in only to find out that train set was not on that truck but might be on another one later.

Step seven - panic a little when you realize that all your son has said for three weeks is "Santa Choo Choo" and Santa might not be able to deliver

Step eight - Order train set on-sale on line but with shipping basically pay what you would have paid in the store

Step nine - Go to parents house on December 12th with wild ideas of putting train set together in record time. Open box and realize that there are approximately one million seven hundred thousand pieces.

Step ten - close box and transport it to basement of our house

Step eleven - pull box out on December 20th and cuss many pieces slightly.

Step twelve - 45 minutes later you have two drawers. Go team!!

Step thirteen - Two hours into the project the table is put together.

Step fourteen - Open the little boxes and see thousands of little train pieces, have small heart attack, weep silently and give up for the night.

Step fifteen - Spend another hour on December 22nd putting together a round house and other miscellaneous pieces.

Step sixteen - The great assembly starts at 9:15 and is finished by 10:00. There are a few cuss words shed and a small moment when I almost chucked afformentioned round house at Jake's head but the train set is together and it looks great.

Step seventeen - awake at 7:00 and stare at the clock. Is he awake yet? Do I hear him stiring?

Step eighteen - Realize that all of the hard work was worth it to see this moment

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Sorry it took me so long to get this up. Things here are crazy and the site will probably go dark for a couple of days. Tax season is starting, we're trying to refinance our house, and lots of personal issues do not leave much time for blogging. I hope to be back soon!!

The Making of An Office

Do you all remember this post? Here let me refresh your memory... THIS is what my office looked like just a few short weeks ago.
Just looking at those pictures is giving me a panic attack. I keep looking and then I look again and I think really? I left it like that for how long?? SERIOUSLY??

And this... this is my office now... I absolutely LOVE it!! I could LIVE in it. Which is a good thing because tax season starts in TWO DAYS!! And then I will be living in it for about three and a half months.

So, what do you think? Better?? :-)

Picture Question

If someone has professional pictures taken of their child who is 22 Months and 10 Days old could they count as 2 year old pictures (because perhaps they purchased SEVERAL of these pictures) or must that person shell out another hundred dollars for 2 year old pictures when the child has actually reached the age of two??

Reality Check

Just when I think that the holidays are crazy and perhaps I'd like to just crawl back into bed something happens that reminds me that I have SOOO much to be thankful for.

A guy that I work with lost his grandson on Christmas Eve. He suffered from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome which requires a series of surgeries to treat. He would have never been cured but his prognosis was looking good and they were gearing up for their next surgery.

Unfortunately he did not make it to his next surgery. He was just shy of his first birthday when, on Wednesday he was playing in his living room and apparently had a heart attack. (The autopsy will confirm this). Either way he arrested in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and they were unable to bring him back.

I get goosebumps any time I think about this and my heart has been heavy since I heard the news on Wednesday afternoon. Please hug your babies and send your thoughts and prayers to this family who will, I'm sure, never be the same again.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours

Hello All-

This has been another busy year for us. We ended last year with Zack's first Christmas and then went right into his 1st birthday extravaganza. We may have gotten a little carried away last year and invited pretty much every one in our address book!!

After Zack's 1st birthday came tax season and Jake got a real taste of being a single parent. He dropped Zack off, picked him up and many nights put him to bed only to do the same thing all over again the next day. I still have the same job as last year but this year I'm going to try to work from home more to try to limit the time I am away from them both. Jake's new job keeps him pretty busy and I think Zack needs a reliable schedule.

As for Jake, he has a new job. He worked for the mobile home park for a little over a year and then one day he came back from lunch and they told him his job had been eliminated. Downsized due to rising gas prices and the bad economy. In the end though, it all worked out for the best. He now works for a water company and while the hours are a little longer this job offers benefits which is a real plus.

As for Zack, he is an active toddler. He says more words than I can even count and he talks from the time he gets up until he goes to bed. He has such a personality and he makes Jake and I laugh out loud at least once a day.

He loves to be outside and just a week or so ago he got his first taste of snow. He LOVES it. He is always asking me if he can walk in the snow. He doesn't seem to care at all that it is only 20 degrees outside and I think he will be an avid outdoorsman just like his daddy.

Speaking of loving nature, he L-O-V-E-S the horses and cows at both grandparents houses. All summer that was the highlight of his trips, getting to see the horses or the cows. He has no fear of either of them and would walk right up to, or under them, if we would let him.

His other favorite thing is the "tack-tors" and the "bombine" at Grandma & Grandpa's house. Until it got cold out every time he was over there he would convince one of them to ride on the gator or one of the "big tacktors." At least once a week he asks me to ride in the combine and I tell him it is too cold. So I'm not sure what I'll tell him when it warms up and he still can't do it. Perhaps by then he will just be happy with getting to ride in the tractors again.

Happy Holidays to all of our friends and family!!

Jake, Heather, & Zackary

To Gift or Not to Gift

That is the question....

Daycare teachers/providers. Do you give them a gift? Do you take them a tray of cookies? Do you just assume that since you are paying them for their services that is gift enough?

Last year I was new to all of this holiday daycare stuff so imagine my surprise when Zack's teacher's started giving him gifts and in return I saw other parents bringing in cookie plates and gift sacks. By the time I realized what was going on, it was too late for me to recover. I just pretended not to know any better and went on my way.

This year, however, I vowed to be different. Zack has loved all three of his primary teachers this year and so I wanted to make sure we show them some appreciation.

Which brings us to the next question. What do you give a daycare teacher/provider? Gift certificates for restaurants, shopping centers, coffee places? Cookies and holiday treats? In the end I settled on willow tree angels.

Wisdom - for his two teachers from January through the end of September

Angel of Learning - for his teacher now Angel of Wishes - for his Tuesday night babysitter/afternoon teacher (who is by the way the sweetest little girl and I'm SOO sad that she's a senior and graduating!!)

So what do you think? What did you get your daycare teachers/providers??

Rejected

So a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about all of the people I used to know and I got curious about one ex-boyfriend in particular. We didn't have a particularly bad falling out, just sort of a our lives are going in two different directions. So, I decided to see if he was on facebook. And he was....

Apparently, he has dropped the last letter of his first name in an effort to look more cool, I'm not sure. But from the picture, it was most definitely still him. So to investigate what he was up to and also to see if I could get the scoop on the missing letter I requested to be his friend. (His profile was private)

A week later, I had heard nothing. So, I did a search for him again thinking that if he was just not a frequent facebook checker perhaps he had just not seen the request. But... low and behold there beside his name was add as a friend again. Meaning that he had rejected me but I could plead my case again.

So, being a slow learner, I sent him another request. And being a Jack@$$ cautious facebook user he rejected me AGAIN!! I'm not sure what to think. There is a part of me that is offended and then there's a part of me that just laughs at the fact that obviously HE hasn't let it go.

So, have you ever been rejected on facebook or am I the only one? Have you found anyone you never thought you'd talk to again??

Christmas Cards

Ok, who's freaking idea was it to send out 100 Christmas Cards?? And not only to send them out but to hand write a nice note to people I don't see much or who don't read this blog and also to hand address the envelopes??

DAMN!! I don't hand write things. I'm a wienie and my arm hurts damn it. I'm a typer not a writer!!

Last year someone told me if I was going to print out a Christmas letter and print out the envelopes than I might as well not send them out at all because I wasn't doing anything personal. I'm not sure I believe this... but some part of me must have because I'm doing them the old fashioned way this year.

The letters are, of course, still printed but the envelopes are hand addressed and there are personal messages in several of them. Except you... if you're reading here and you're getting a card for me chances are I said to myself, ahh... they'll understand.

Because seriously, I can only write so much!!

Next year I'm re-thinking the printing envelopes thing again!! :-)

It's F%$#ing Cold!!!

Right now the thermometer in my computer toolbar reads -2. According to the weather man the windchill is somewhere around -30 which, I'm pretty sure, is exactly the temperature in my bathroom.

No really, I'm not making this up. We live in a 100 year old house. Well actually 110 years old if you want to be specific, but who's keeping track? Our bathroom was an afterthought.

See, there's that nice square house and then sticking out the back there... yeah that addition is our back porch and our bathroom.

Our UNINSULATED back porch and bathroom. (Oh did I forget to mention that little detail??) When we resided our house (sorry these were the only pictures I could find in a hurry) we wrapped the whole house with that micro board that they put under siding that is supposed to provide some insulation but let me tell you, it's not much.

If it is cold outside it is cold in our bathroom. If it is windy and cold our bathroom turns into Antarctica. Imagine stepping outside in the cold, stripping naked and then jumping into a porcelain tub. Yeah, that was pretty much my morning.

When I got into the shower this morning my foam bathmat crunched under my feet. I'm pretty sure that means it was frozen solid and I don't know about you, but I'm not sure frozen and in the house (not in a freezer) are supposed to go together.

It's like the thrill of running from the house in the snow to jump into a hot tub, only without the hot tub, and really, without the thrill. :0

For now, we just close the bathroom door in the hopes of containing most of the frozen tundra in that one room for now. On the upside we will never run out of places to store the frozen food!!

Yes Sir

Zack has given me his cold. Yesterday when he woke up from his nap I was pretty sure that I would rather be in bed still sleeping. So having watched the Jungle Book about 10 times in the last 5 days I put in the Jungle Book 2.

In that movie Mogli says yes sir to the man in the Village. Ever since he watched it yesterday he has answered every question with "Yes Sir."

I can't decide if it's completely adorable or slightly disturbing. I'm all about manners but Yes Sir from a two year old seems a bit extreme.

I guess we'll see how long this lasts. :-)

Friday Confessionals

It is entirely possible that my son hasn't had a bath since Tuesday night.

I did wash his stinky piggies, and he does have eczema so we are not supposed to bathe him EVERY night......

Santa may have just moved me to the naughty list....

The Masterpiece

A copy of the masterpiece its self for your viewing pleasure...

I think Miss Jessica ran right out and bought a frame!! :-)

I Maked It..

Last night when I picked Zack up from daycare I grabbed his daily coloring project, went in to pick him up and started loading him in the car. Same routine as we always do.

Before I put him in his car seat I always set his art projects on the back seat. Last night he saw it and said:

"I maked that..."

Nothing unusual. Usually when he sees his things he will tell me he maked it or he colored it...

"I maked that for Jessica...."

Wait... what?? Now this was different....

"Puppy all clean...."

On Monday night Miss Jessica gave puppy a swim in her washing machine to get him all clean and apparently yesterday Zack colored her a picture to thank her.

So we promptly headed right over there to give her the first picture he has EVER colored for anyone.

Jess, you should feel very lucky. This is the first time he has ever told me that he wanted to give a picture to someone. I think Zack and Puppy are very thankful for your efforts.

"Puppy no stinky no more...."

Six of One, Half Dozen of Another

Today it was supposed to snow. Blizzard actually. So last night as I was filling up my car and watching all of the people fill up their SUV's I was thinking to myself, Self... perhaps this car thing was not one of your wiser moves. How exactly do you expect to get out of your driveway if there is 6 inches of snow??

And then the pump clicked, signaling me that it was done filling up my car, from empty. Actually a lot past empty and and what to my wondering eyes did appear?

And that... that made it all worth while.

Besides, it didn't blizzard. We got a thin layer of ice and only an inch or two so other than having to get a running start at it... I made it out of the driveway just fine.

Thought for the Day

At what age does a yawn become contagious?

Friday Confessionals

I may, or may not, have spent all day a few weeks ago wearing a pair of my husband's briefs because all of my underwear was dirty and I hadn't done proper laundering of clothing in a few weeks.

For those of you who need a visual they may or may not have been black briefs. (Hypothetically speaking of course).

And I may, or may not, have hid from my husband every time I changed my clothes because I was embarrassed that I was wearing his briefs and did not tell him.

Also, they may, or may not have fit me so well and been so comfortable that I considered (for a brief moment... Ha ha...) going out and buying myself some size 32 (or medium) men's black briefs to wear every day.

Still.... hypothetically speaking of course.

Family Pictures

So, after I had you all dress me I'm sure you're dying to see how the family pictures turned out.

Um... so... yeah...

They didn't!!

Zack looked adorable, as always.

Jake looked wonderful.

I on the other hand looked like I had a HORRIBLE case of double chin syndrome and some really squinty eyes. (It's BAD)

They had us sit on the floor and me, on the floor, leaning down, in a turtle neck does just not lend it's self to good pictures. I will show you one, and only one of the bunch in which you can see just how awful my look was.

Now... let us NEVER speak of this again...

My son, on the other hand, took some REALLY adorable photos.

There was this one...

(For those of you who are unfamiliar, that is puppy. Puppy is our best friend and he goes EVERYWHERE with us. Anyone have any ideas on how I can wash puppy so he smells nice and clean without ruining him? I don't think I would be forgiven if I ruined him.)

And this one....

This one... And this one, which is one of my favorites....

Oh, and can't forget this one...

That is quintessentially a Zack face....

And even these turned out pretty well.... But unfortunately the place where we got our pictures taken does not do two or three picture Christmas cards. Just one picture per card so we picked one. And if you want to see which one you will have to send me your address and get a Christmas card from me. (Or wait until Christmas when I post it.)

In the mean time we will be having our entire family picture taken in a month and so we will try to get some different family pictures then.

Is It The Thought That Counts?

Ok, seeing as how we are going into the holiday season and several religions exchange gifts that is the topic of the day. Gifts.

Not the good ones. I want to hear about the AWFUL ones. The ones where you open the box and you are hard pressed to even know what the gift is, let alone what the hell you are supposed to do with it.

The gifts where when you finally get through the wrapping paper and into the box you consider throwing out the gift and keeping the paper. The ones where you sit there in stunned silence because your mamma always told you if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.
THOSE are the gifts we are talking about today.

For my contribution I will discuss my Christmas sweater. A sweater I received about 6 or 7 years ago that never made it out of the box it was delivered in. This sweater looked like something purchased at a craft bizarre.

Anyway, when I opened the box at first I was not even sure what the sweater was. I saw these little wooden angels on top of sweater fabric and I thought perhaps the fabric was a separate gift. But no, alas, they were all one piece. Little wooden figurines hooked to this wonderful sweater vest in a lovely, old lady fashion. (Alas, I did not take any pictures and I have been unable to find anything on google that would even do it justice so you will have to take my word for it.)

All I could do was stutter out a thank you and quickly close the box before any of the holiday elfin cheer escaped. When I got home that box got put on a shelf in my closet where it stayed, tucked away, till the prohibition of...... (sorry... brief Annie moment)

Anyway, I felt so bad about throwing it away that the sweater moved with me, once... possibly twice. Finally about 3 years ago I was getting things ready for goodwill and the sweater and I said our final goodbye. I hope it will be very happy with it's new owner.

As a side note the next year I ALSO received a super fun holiday sweater similar to this one...

(which in case you want to buy it... is on sale at a department store near you) I didn't know who would sell such a sweater but I remembered her saying how this new department store had just opened and that she bought a lot of her gifts there. So I took a chance. I walked up to customer service and looked at the woman and said... do you sell this here. Imagine my surprise when she said yes!! I expected her to laugh at me and say no, no one would sell something that ugly. So I promptly returned it and every year since I have specifically requested gift cards!!

So... what is your ugly sweater/worst gift story??

Perhaps I Have the Wrong Number??

I'm going to spread a little holiday cheer today and give you all a good laugh. Last week I mentioned to my tech guy that I would like a new computer for my house. So he forwarded me an e-mail that he had just received from Dell about their Black Friday specials.

I in turn forwarded this e-mail to my mother with a title of good Christmas present for me???

So yesterday, she has a client in her office. This client mentions that they would like to get a new computer so she, being the helpful person that she is, prints of this e-mail from Dell and gives it to them.

On the bottom of this e-mail is a phone number. They decide that rather than get on-line they would rather call the number.

This number: 1-888-391-3355

The number on the bottom this e-mail my mother gave to her client.

Go on....

Call it....

I'll wait...

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Yeah.... you can order but I'm not sure you'll be getting a Dell. :-)

To My Friend

J-

Hello?? Are you out there?? I have e-mailed you three times and have not gotten a single response. I am using the hotmail e-mail. Is that the wrong one? How are the kids? Did you have a good holiday?

If I don't hear from you soon I will assume that you have been buried under an avalanche on a mountain somewhere and I will have to send a rescue crew to find you. (I don't like the snow... please don't make me come to find you!! :-)

I hope everything is good with you and that you are just busy spreading holiday cheer!! E-mail me if you get a chance!!

Say What?

Me: Hello, I would like to change my credit card limit to $300

Clueless Rep #1 (CR1): Of course Ma'am. I can see if you are eligible for a limit increase.

Me: No, actually I want to decrease my limit.

{Silence... wondering if I've been disconnected...}

CR1: You want to decrease your limit?

Me: Yes.

CR1: Well... let me see what I can do for you.

{Little hold music...}

CR1: Well, it's telling me that I can't decrease your credit limit because your cash limit is at $700.

Me: Then lower my cash limit

CR1: Well Ma'am I'm not sure I can do that. Let me just try one more thing here, I'm going to run it through a different way.

{Waiting....}

CR1: Nope, it's not allowing me to change it because your cash limit is higher than what you want your credit limit to be.

Me: Than LOWER my cash limit.

CR1: Well, I don't think I can do that. See your cash limit is set in the computer...... {I think I tuned him out at this point...}

Me: Let me talk to your manager

CR1: Well I put it in the computer like you wanted but it's telling me that I can't lower your limit because your cash limit is $700. It won't let me lower your cash limit. Are you sure you still want to talk to my manager?

Me: Let me talk to your manager....

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CR2: Hi this is so and so, I hear you are having a little trouble adjusting the limit on your credit card?

Me: Yes, I want to lower the credit limit on my card but the guy was telling me he can't do that because the cash limit would be higher than the credit limit. So I told him to lower the cash limit but he didn't think he could.

CR2: Well, can I ask why you would want to lower your credit limit

Me: {Well actually no... you can't... what flipping difference does it make??} Um because the holiday season is coming up and we want to make sure that we don't go over our budget so I wanted to limit lowered so we know we can pay it off in one month.

CR2: Well, I'm looking at your account right now and I don't think that will be a problem. You have an excellent record of paying your bill.

Me: {Through clenched teeth.} I still want to lower my credit limit.

CR2: Ok, well I can't do that here so let me see if I can transfer you to someone who can help you with that.

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CR3: Hi this is So and so, you would like to lower your credit limit?

{I go into spiel about lowering limit and them telling me they can't lower limit because cash advance limit is higher and me telling them to lower cash advance limit and them not sure they can do that, etc. etc.}

CR3: Ok, I'm going to try something here that usually works for this type of thing. I must tell you that once I do this it will be permanent. You can't decide tomorrow you want it back up.

Me: {Ya think so?? DUH!! Why would I go to all this trouble if I didn't know that} Of course, I'm aware of that.

CR3: Alright, I've put the information into the computer. This usually works and so you should see this reflected on your billing statement in the next month or two.

{Usually works?? Really... USUALLY??}

Me: Ok thank you very much.

CR3: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: No, you've been more than helpful... thank you.