Good Sister?

On Friday Lindsay was able to leave the hospital, mostly on her own two feet, and head for home. At that point I turned the reigns to her blog over to her. So here I am, back again.

When I put up the post over there, saying that I would be coming back over here I got a lot of comments stating what a good sister I was for keeping up the blog and how close we must be and for some reason, of which I can't quite put my finger on, those comments bothered me.

Now I realize why people said them. And I realize that they are grateful that they were able to keep up on her progress but does it really make me a good sister? Isn't that just what a sister is supposed to do?

As for how close we are... I've been doing A LOT of thinking about this lately.

My sister and I are two years apart. Until I was about 22 years old I was convinced she was the spawn of Satan and I would hate her forever. My sister and I didn't just have fights. We had knock down, drag out, break things in the house by throwing them at my head (yeah... she did most of the throwing... she was bigger than me....) fights. The kind that make your parents want to lock you both in your rooms until you are 18 and then let you out only so you could gather your belongings and

go.

live.

somewhere.

else.

So many fights and so much ill will that I do not remember one single event of hers that I attended. She was in Volleyball, Basketball, and I think Track and Softball. Yet I didn't attend one single game. And right now, that makes me sad. I have gone to a few of my nieces softball games and was supposed to go to one of my nephews this weekend but was unable because of a wonderful stomach virus. Those 3 or 4 games I have attended of theirs are more than I ever attended of my own sisters.

Part of this, I can tell you right now is because of the life I was living and the choices I was making about babysitting my partner instead of living my own life. Part of this I can see as me taking back my own life but part of it was also this huge animosity that was between us.

I have several vivid memories of telling my parents that once I graduated high school I would never speak to her again.

And them in turn telling me that she was my sister and one day I would realize how much I love her and she would be the maid of honor in my wedding...
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They were right....
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Damn parents and their knowing things.....

I don't know when it changed. I don't know if it was over night or slowly but suddenly my sister and I just started talking like two normal people. She was the maid of honor in my wedding but she was also the pain in my ass when I was pregnant.

Then last year she got pregnant and she almost died after having Landen (oh yes... this is twice in one year... we have to have a discussion about this.....) and suddenly all of that crap between us didn't seem to matter any more. Suddenly all that mattered was that she was my sister.

Often over the last two weeks I have wondered, if I had found Al-anon sooner (I had been in a little over a year when Landen was born) would we have been close sooner? Did I stay away because I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't have time for anyone else? Or like so many other things in life did time just take time?

I may never know the answer to that but I can tell you that this accident has forever changed my view of my sister (she's a rock star by the way... all the new blogs on her site... typed by her... with ONE hand....).

We may not have been good sisters before but I think we will be much better sisters now!!

Welcome

***Scroll down for new posts... I'm leaving this one at the top for a week or so***

Yesterday I installed a Stat Counter on my Sister's web page. This morning when I got in it shows that she has had 534 hits since midnight. WOW!! That's all I have to say... WOW!! I can't believe the way the on-line community has really rallied around her. I know having all of them praying for her has been what has helped her to get this far in her recovery.

As is usually the case, some of the people from over there have followed me back here. So I just wanted to say a quick welcome to any of you who are new. Things around here have been kind of quiet as I've been pretty focused on Lindsay's recovery.

However, feel free to poke around at the old archives. Perhaps you will find something you like that will get you to come back, but if not, glad you stopped by and keep up the prayers for my sister. She needs all of them she can get.

For those of you regulars who read my boring drivel day in and day out... I'll be back in full force soon. Until then I'm going to leave this post on the top and post any new items just below it for about the next week or so.

Friday Confessionals

I still, over two years after the worst of it, 4 months after the last of it, have flashbacks. Two years ago it was every single day, multiple times per day. 4 months ago it was at least once a day.

Now, sometimes I can go a full day, maybe two without thinking about any of it. Then for no apparent reason I will be driving along in the car and I will get "lost" in one. They hit me suddenly, sometimes without provocation and I'll be right back there in it. The panic attack usually follows.

People often think that when the situation is over it will go away. Like because he is gone I should be better. In fact several of them have asked why I continue to go to Al-anon. When I can go a week, a month without a flashback I will consider myself marginally better and possibly able to miss one of my meetings if I have something else to do.

When I can go a year.... I might consider myself better. It took me over 10 years to get here, I have a feeling it might take me just as long to get back.

More Prayers

At 4:36 am this morning my cousin and his girlfriend welcomed their first son into the world. Unfortunately their joy was quickly replaced with fear as they realized that little Camden is suffering from a bowel obstruction and has to be transferred to the Children's Hospital away from his mommy and daddy.

Your prayers have worked miracles for my sister. Please now, lift up this family in your prayers. The next few days could be very rough for them.

WW: Fearless

Helpless

Sometimes, without even knowing it, children can be very insightful. This weekend I took Zack to see Inny (this is what he has called my sister since he was very little). Zack knows that Inny has an owie on her belly and that's why she is in the hospital. While we were there he said to me:

"Inny has an owie on her belly... but I can't see it."

This is very much how I feel about my sister's recovery right now. Somewhere, Lindsay has an owie. I can't see it but it is still there. Still just as real as the one running up her stomach or the three on her arm.

Lindsay has been struggling for the past week. Trying so hard to fight against the depression and the anxiety that one feels when trying so hard to get better and yet continuing to feel pain. She wants to see improvements and while we can look back and see how far she has come, for her there is still just pain and daily struggle.

There's a part of me that wants to jump in there and tell her to get over it. Be grateful to be alive and be so thankful that God is not finished with her yet.

Then there is the other part of me that knows that doing that is not going to help her. I too have spent time in my own personal hell and no amount of screaming from the outside can get through to you until you are ready to fight for your life.

As I was waiting for the elevator after visiting her at noon I heard a woman on the phone. She was talking about God's plan. "I have my schedule in my head of how this should go and how I want it to go but in the end only God knows how it will go." A lot of times I think I loose sight of that. I am not in control.

As much as I want to get in there and fix her, make her walk, make her eat I can't. She has to do that for herself, in her own time and in God's own time. He saw fit to let her live through this and has brought her this far, he will bring her through it and my only job at this point is to support her.

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And run clear across town for Chicken Noodle Soup when she needs it.

Swimming with Zack

You may remember that a few weeks ago I put up a picture of Zack at swimming lessons. That face that he's making... he smiles that big from the moment I lower him into the pool at 6:30 until I take him out of the pool at 7:00. He LOVES to swim.

However, being 2 1/2 he is also fearless about the water. Let me set the stage for you. Swimming lesson #1 occurred right after his toddler class so he was pretty worn out. I thought all would be well. He listened to the teacher, he seemed to sit fairly still.

Swimming lesson #2 - June 22nd he started to bounce. Up and down up and down on the table they put in the water (so the kids can stand up). I'm sitting by the wall and I see him bounce... bounce.... gone. I jumped up really quick and rushed over to him as he was standing back up all smiles.

Let me ease your fears by saying that they all wear life jackets so I knew that even if he fell off of the table he would float... it would just be a matter of fishing him out. (This will be important to the story later.)

He, of course was unphased by the falling incident and didn't understand in the slightest why Mommy looked like she was going to have a heart attack.

Moving on... Swimming lesson #3 - June 24th. They are swimming out into the water to retrieve rubber ducks. The teacher would give them one, they would throw it and then she would help them to swim out and get it.

Zack has his turn. She turns to help another child and he is just standing there innocently on the edge of the table. Next thing I know he throws his duck and jumps.

He sinks like a rock.

Luckily the teacher is right there and as she turns around he is coming back to the surface and she grabs him and puts him back on the table.

Are you seeing a pattern here? It is at this point that I turn to one of the other parents and say, before all of this is over, I think I might be getting wet.

The second week of swimming lessons he did much better. He was listening and mostly following directions and above all... keeping his head above the water when the teacher was not around. Then the 4th of July happened and he had a week off from swimming lessons.

Cue last night.

I'm sitting by the wall and Zack is standing on the table. They had been practicing their swimming and he thought he would get in a little extra practice. He was doggie paddling along and the teacher was way out in the pool with another little girl.

He's swimming, he's smiling, he's swimming... he's gone.

AWW CRAP!!

I jump up along with two other Dad's (who complimented me on my quick reaction time...) and as I get to the edge of the pool I see him bobbing there. He's not really panicking, sort of just doggie paddling giving me this look like I'm kind of stuck can you help me out here?

So I lean down and fish him out. This time, just my pants are wet.... next time.... perhaps I should just wear my bathing suit!! :-)

So Close Yet So Far

8:17 pm

As I watched the clock click over to those magic numbers this evening my breath sort of caught in my chest. One week ago today at 8:17 pm my phone rang and my life as I know it changed. One week ago my baby sister, the one who I vowed to hate for ever but really will always love for all eternity almost died.

Even now, saying that out loud sounds unreal. Almost died? Really? Was she that close?

Yes... yes she really was.

Today has been a rough day for her. She wants things to move more quickly. She wants to be up and moving and walking and recovering because she hasn't looked back yet to see just how far she has come.

For me, as I was telling one of my co-workers today, she is a medical miracle. I want to run into her room and tell her, don't you know you are alive!! You lived and that, in and of it's self is something we didn't know if would happen last week.

But I can't. I have to understand that she is grieving too. She has lost a lot and endured a lot and for her, it all just started yesterday. We have had a week, she has had two days.

Yet still, I hope she can feel it. My love for her. Every one's love for her. We all know how far she has come. We measure her progress by the strides she has made, not by the ones she has left.

The past is gone, the future is uncertain but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.

Hold on to your good times Lindsay. You were given the present of today. You will get through this!!

Waiting and Wondering

Today is my first day back at work. It is not going well. For 6 days my butt has been camped outside of her room or in her room. I was there for the doctor visits the nurse visits the updates if I wasn't in the room. I was in the loop. And God forbid there was a problem, I was there for that too.

Now, I'm here. My work is only 5 minutes from the hospital. I could be there if she needed me, but the fact of the matter is she probably doesn't. She was moved to a regular room yesterday. Her husband and one of my parents have been with her round the clock and will continue to be with her.

I'm just the sister. Yet I can't help feeling a bit lost today. I keep wanting to check the blog and then it dawns on me. I write the blog. There will be nothing new up there until I sit her down and teach her how to write on it herself and that will probably not be for another week or so. Preferably when she's on a bit less morphine. Although the state she was in when I saw her this morning might make for some interesting blogging!! :-)

So for now, I just have to trust that she is in good hands. I will go and check on her at lunch time and again tonight but at the end of the day, my baby sister isn't such a baby after all. She's been pretty tough through all of this. Probably stronger than I ever would have been and she's a fighter. I'm sure she will cross any hurdles that come up, even if I'm not there to stand behind her in case she falls.

If you want to keep following along her blog is:

www.butchsfight.com

This is Not My Life

It is 2:30 am and I am standing outside the door of the emergency room staring into a fountain. The running water is oddly soothing and all I can think is maybe if I stare hard enough a portal will open up and I can go back in time. Back just 7 hours, back to when my life was normal.



Last night my sister was in a horrible accident. She was pinned between a semi and a loading dock. The details of how she got there are pretty sketchy. We don't know if she fell, if she didn't see the semi, if he didn't see her.....



What we do know is she was injured. Badly. My sister... my baby sister.... who to me still seems so young, who was, in my mind, never old enough to have a baby. Who just Eight Months ago gave birth to my nephew and almost died in the process.

My baby sister is hurt. And there is nothing I can do to make it better. I have started a blog for those who are interested in following her recovery.

www.butchsfight.blogspot.com

If you pray... please do so now.

If you don't... please start.

Fantastic New Website!!

Ok... I read a blog and the writer of that blog has teamed up with another blog writer and they have created quite possibly the funniest pregnancy/motherhood website I have ever been to in my life.

Let's Panic About Babies

I'm telling you now if you go there and you do not find at least one thing that makes you laugh... you are dead inside. One of my favorites thus far:

"It will come out of you, and then you will have to take care of it"

So what are you still doing here... go... go and laugh....

Friday Confessionals

Zack still sleeps in a crib. Granted I took the crib tent off and I lowered the front railing so it only comes up to his waist... but it's still a crib. And if I had my way he would be in that crib forever.

It's not because I'm afraid he'll come in with me, we co-slept for about 3 months when he was really little and then he went back to his bed. He likes his space and I like my space.

No, it's more about keeping him in his bed so he will actually GO to sleep. He is a talker, singer, bouncer at night and during nap times. He can be yawning and rubbing his eyes but he will still sit up there and talk to himself for a good 20 - 30 minutes.

Now imagine if you will, if he could get out of his bed at that time. He would never go to sleep!! :-)

So, for now a crib it is. Do you think his friends will tease him when he has sleep overs??

Sometimes We All Need A Reminder....

More Beautiful You

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

- Jonny Diaz

WW: My Fish

Deep Thoughts

All last week on my way to work I noticed a black dress shoe on the side of the road from my house. All week I wondered to myself how exactly does one loose one shoe on the side of the road.

Then on Friday it was gone and a little ways further down the road had been replaced by a white tennis shoe.

Really?

These are the things I think about on my way to work. Why is that shoe there? How do you loose a single shoe? Wouldn't you notice it was missing and go back to try to find it? Is there a shoe lost and found somewhere for shoes found along the road?

What are your deep thoughts on this Monday?

Friday Confessionals

A month ago I told my life story at an Al-anon meeting. You can read it over there (e-mail me if you have no idea what I'm talking about)... or at least part of it. I'm working on getting the rest of it up.

I have never felt more happy or more free in my life than I have in the last month. It's like a weight was lifted from me and I gave myself permission to let go of all of that stuff that was haunting me.

I have laughed more and had more fun in the last month than I think I have in the last 10 years.

Life is not perfect but it's pretty darn good!! :-)

My Son: The Fish

Last night I took Zack to his first swimming lesson. Well, technically it was his second swimming lesson but I had a concert on Monday night and totally spaced off on arranging for someone to take him to his first swimming lesson so check that one in the box for bad mommy. :-)

Anyhow, when I called about swimming lessons a couple of months ago they told me he would probably be in Level 1, so imagine my disappointment when I went to sign him up last month and was told that he was not yet 3 and so therefore would have to be in the toddler class unless I got permission from the director.

Lacking the ambition to attempt to track down the director and get permission for my kid, who switches back and forth between jumping in without a care in the world and clinging to me as if his life is ending, I just decided to suck it up and leave him in the toddler class. The class which requires the parents to get into the water with their kids. (Insert LONG... painful sigh right here....)

So, yesterday we arrived at class and I waited until the last possible minute before changing the both of us and heading into the water with him. I could tell right away that his comfort in the water was well above the other little ones and that this was going to be a REALLY long 6 weeks if I had to stay in this class.

It was basically free swim, parents and kids with the teachers coming around once and awhile and suggesting things you should work on with the kid to get them comfortable in the water. Luckily, it was pretty apparent to one of the teachers that Zack was already comfortable in the water and so she asked me if I thought he would get in the water without me. Absolutely.

And so, that is the story of how my 2 1/2 year old graduated from the toddler class to level one with the 3 and 4 year olds on his very first day. The Level 1 class was from 6:30 - 7:00 so he actually had two lessons last night and spent a full hour in the pool. (He slept VERY well last night)

But... the best part of all.... I don't have to get into the water for his Level 1 class!! Can I get a resounding Woo Hoo!! :-)

WW: Why I Pay Bills On-Line

(If you can't read the letter, click on it to make it bigger..)

Bullet Point Monday

A friend of mine has been doing this on her blog and since short thoughts are all I'm capable of right now I'm going to try it here in an effort to at least get SOMETHING on my blog...

• Thursday Danette and I went to see Eric Hutchinson
• It was AWESOME...
• I could go to a concert like that every day and die a happy person
• I forgot how much I love music
• Friday night I met some friends at Prairie Meadows after my meeting
• I was only there for like an hour and a half but it was nice to be in good company and have good laughs although really girls... I'm kind of wondering how you would treat me if you WEREN'T my friend.... :-)
• Friday night Zack was up until 9:00 at my parent's house
• Saturday he got my BIL and my sister up at 6:00 with a lovely rendition of the ABC's
• I arrived at 9:30 to watch my nephew so they could go furniture shopping for a couple hours
• They left at 10:15
• They got back at 4:00
• A couple hours my ASS!!
• After they got back Zack decided to play in the dirt
• And then the water
• There was not a spot of exposed skin that was clean
• I stripped him in their entry way and threw him in the shower at my parents house with explicit instructions... DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!
• Jess and Shane then met us and we went for dinner
• Zack didn't get to bed until 10:00 on Saturday night
• Sunday morning I was awakened by my cell phone at 9:45 in the morning
• Zack was still asleep
• He finally got out of bed at 10:15
• It was heavenly but I got NOTHING done
• We had a family reunion so we left the house about 10:30
• We got back home at 5:00 last night
• Zack fell asleep so I let him take a little nap while I mowed the lawn
• I got the mower stuck in the front ditch on my first pass
• It sucked and I almost cried
• Luckily my neighbor came and helped me
• I was done by 6:30 and then I proceeded to try to do everything that I needed to do this weekend in a span of 3 hours
• I switched all of Zack's clothes from 2T to 3T
• I did three loads of laundry
• Then I collapsed into bed
• I got up at 5:30 with grand ambitions of finishing the rest
• I got a lot of things up into the attic
• But I also was spectacularly late this morning
• I considered just working until noon, going home and going back to bed and starting my day over about 4:00
• I stayed here instead

So, all of that excitement into one bullet pointed post... at least you got the highlights :-)

The Sky Is Falling

Morning Conversations:

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I want cold pizza

We are not having cold pizza for breakfast. You are going to have cereal and toast at daycare.

I want cold pizza.....

No, let's go upstairs and get dressed.

I WANT COLD PIZZA.... (tears have come.....)

One, Two......

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Why you eat all the Cheetos?

Because Mommy just ate them. It's ok, we don't need them now, we can get more tonight.

I WANT CHEETOS.... (tears again....)....

AHHHH!!! CHEETOS..... AHHHH!!!!

(Literally 5 minutes of me dressing him while he cries and screams about Cheetos....)

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Alright, let's get your coat on it's time to go.

I want a banana.

No, you are eating at daycare.

I WANT A BANANA....(more tears....)

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Believe me when I tell you I did not shed any tears when I dropped him off this morning!! :-)

Emergency Situation

Mommy!! Ahhh!! Ahhh!! Sooss offf!! Sooosss Off!! Ahhhh!!!

Zackary Alan WHAT are you screaming about??

You need to take my socks off mommy!

That's it? That is what you were screaming about? Was that really worth screaming about?

Yeah!
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I can feel the gray hairs already!!

Blog Award

Hey... I got an award...

Lindsay over at Living Life Backwards bestowed this upon me... isn't it lovely??

I think someone might have given me one before but I'm bad... I mean REALLY bad about getting these things up... mostly because I don't ever know who to name as passing the award on to. So... here are the rules....

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

And here is me breaking the rules....

I'm going to update my blog links this weekend. If you are over there.... then I read you and in my book... YOU are a lovely blogger so feel free to consider that my notice that you have also been given this award!!

Have a lovely weekend everyone!!

I can't make this stuff up

Two or three months ago the transmission went out on my car. Yeah... the car I just bought last Summer. It was under warranty so they fixed it and four days later.... (yeah... four days, no car) I got my car back.

While it was there I mentioned to them that I needed some coolant because my car seemed to be low on coolant. I ended up buying some from them and then proceeded to have to refill my coolant every 2 weeks, all the while thinking this is probably not normal, I should probably call them and get it back in..... but I didn't.... I just went about my day.....

Until Tuesday. On Tuesday I drove my car out of the driveway and headed for daycare and all of the sudden the check engine light came on... and then the automatic throttle light came on and then I freaked out a bit imagining myself as one of those people who's throttle sticks down and they are going 100 on the interstate with no way to stop their speeding car.

So, as soon as I dropped Zack off I got out the owner's manual and read exactly what that light meant. Feeling fairly confident that I would not, in fact be careening to my death while driving I headed straight for the dealership.

When I got out of the car he asked me what the issue was. Well... the check engine light is on, oh and the automatic throttle light was on, and it needs and oil change and oh yeah... it has been leaking coolant from somewhere for the last couple of months. (Thinking one had nothing to do with the other.)

I was wrong. My radiator had a hole in it. The check engine light came on because the coolant got too low. The automatic throttle light... possibly just a fluke. And then... once again... I was without a car. (Luckily only for one day)

Why does this stuff happen to me? (Jess you are not allowed to make comments about what kind of car or where I bought the car. I already realize the error of my ways... I can't change it now!! :-)

First Movie

On Sunday I took Zack to see his very first movie in the theater. I have been wanting to take him for awhile but there has been a serious lack of cartoon type movies in the theaters lately. So when I saw last week that Disney was releasing a new one I decided we would go.

Little did I know, they were releasing it in 3-D. ONLY 3-D. Now how in the world was I going to get my 2 year old to sit through an entire movie wearing 3-D glasses?

Unfortunately, by the time I realized it was in 3-D I had already asked him if he wanted to go and told him we would go on the weekend. I don't know what other two year olds are like but mine has the mind of an Elephant. This kid does not forget ANYTHING!!

On Saturday when I picked him up from my parent's house he asked if we were going to the big movie and then proceeded to cry when I told him not today. So, I lied... through my teeth and told him it was broken. Yup... definitely broken BUT... by tomorrow it would be fixed.

He seemed ok with that but first thing Sunday reminded me again that the movie wasn't broken any more. So I spent Sunday morning telling him he had to sit through the whole thing and wear glasses, like his sun glasses.

I had planned to take him to the 2:20 movie but when I went upstairs to wake him at 1:45 he told me he wanted to go later. Lo and behold... 2:35... Mommy I waked up!! I want to go to the big movie now!!

So I ended up taking him to the 4:15 show. He did AWESOME!! He sat in his own seat the whole time with his GIANT bug eyed glasses on.

He even entertained the theater with a few, "Wow... that was scary's", My kid... the comedian.

As soon as it was over, his first comment was I wanna watch it again. So I guess the next kids movie, I know where we will be.

WW: Best Friends

Day OMG are we done yet...

So I think that yesterday was day three... I'm not sure because I wanted to give up on day one so one... three... it's all the same to me. I sort of eased into this slowly so last night was my first real night of sit-ups PLUS the 30 day shred.

Yeah... I suck. 1st of all... I am HORRIBLY out of shape so the sit-up's alone take me an ungodly amount of time. Then you add in the 20 minute video and I thought I was going to die by like minute 5. It's a good damn thing that none of my windows to the street were open because people would have gotten one hell of a funny looking show!!

My only real success last night was dinner. Parmesan Crusted Pork Loin and Corn. Yeah me... so at least that is one meal. Now... about the rest of the dinners for the next 4 months.... :-)

I was going to take before and after pictures but I'm pretty sure the before pictures might break my camera and it's a nice camera and it would be a shame to break it so you'll just have to take my word for it... horribly out of shape and needing to loose about 20- 30 pounds.

Let the fun continue....

Day One...

I will never survive. This is what I thought to myself as I had oranges and water for breakfast yesterday and corn and pears for dinner.

My two Challenges:

Eat a healthy breakfast
No carbs or only Healthy carbs for dinner and it has to be before 7:00pm

As an added bonus - 45 situps per day, 45 more each time I cheat


First of all, I think I need to shop. Secondly I think I need to cook. Thirdly... who the hell talked me in to giving up ANY control of what or when I eat?

I think the situps are going to be the easy part of this challenge. I could totally do 135 situps per day!! :-)

Self Image

I suppose this could be my Friday Confessionals post but it's Saturday so we're just going to go with that title up there. Let's see... self image.

On Monday Jess and I will start a weight loss/healthier life challenge. In October we are going to Tybee Island and I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my body by then. I bought the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred tapes and some hand weights and there are also some crunches I'm supposed to do. That's 4.5 per day right Jess? As if four and a half??

Anyway, all of this has got me thinking a lot about my own self image and in turn how I judge others. All of my life I have always been attracted to the muscular, if somewhat stalky, man. In high school there were a couple of guys who may have been interested in me but they were bigger guys so I never gave them the time of day.

As I read back through my journals they are filled with guys I dated, guys I was friends with, etc. Yet everything seems so superficial to me. The guys that were actually REALLY nice to me I was not interested in because I wasn't "attracted" to. The guys I was attracted to were never really nice to me.

So, now that I'm in the process of a divorce I'm trying to dig deep and look at the things that are really important to me. At some point I would like to start dating again and I would like to think that I am a more mature, better person now. Yet, part of me still questions this. Could I date a guy who was not that physically attractive but who treated me like the Queen of England?

I think a lot of this stems back to the fact that I'm not comfortable with who I am and so therefore I'm trying to pick someone good looking to make me feel better about myself. When really, I need to be comfortable in my own skin and date someone who is comfortable in theirs.

So, here's my question to you... could you/would you/have you dated a person who you did not find physically attractive but with whom you had a lot in common with or really liked their personality? Why or why not. There are no wrong answers here and feel free to comment anonymously if you're worried about being judged.

Hey Blog!!

Hey... is anyone still out there? How have you been? I have missed you!!

I told my story at an Al-anon meeting on Tuesday and so for the last two weeks if I have been doing any writing at all it has been on that. The speech was 45 minutes and I think, at least I hope, that I helped at least a few people in the process. If in no other way than it was helpful to see that someone had been where they were. They weren't the only one that had been through things and this person in front of them had made it to the other side.

I will be writing a lot of the story over there (If you are not sure where that is drop me an e-mail) and also am considering submitting some of it to some Al-anon news letters and even trying to put it into book format. Of course I have a long way to go but it was SOO therapeutic for me to just get most of it out there that if anything I have to say can help someone else I want to do it.

So... what else is going on? My baby is getting bigger every day. He is SOO smart and he continually keeps me on my toes. Last night he continued his cooking lessons with my mom while I went out with a friend.

From what I was told when I picked him up this morning she had to put in extra chocolate chips to make up for the handfuls that he shoved in his mouth after he poured in the first cup but before she could get the second cup measured and to him to dump in.

As far as I'm concerned it's a good dang thing she is teaching him to cook because he sure as hell isn't going to learn it from mommy!!

So, speech is over, life is moving on and hopefully I will be back for good now. Sorry to be away so long!!

Success!!

I have 130 blogs in my bloglines. Some of them update daily, some weekly and some perhaps once every month or two.

In the last four months I have seen the number of unread blogs go from 0 to well over 600. I didn't want to just mark them all as read since I may actually miss something.

What can I say, I'm obsessed. So, slowly, every day I have read a few more. Trying to keep up on the ones I got caught up on and getting caught up on one or two more each day.

Today, for the first time since I believe January or February I finally have NO unread posts in my bloglines. Can you believe it??

Success people!! It feels so good!!

BFF

Zack & Sam have been friends since they were in-utero. (I'll spare you those pictures) You should see Zack's face light up every time I mention Sammy. I'm not sure if they will always be friends, but I hope so!! Katie got some great pictures of the two of them a few weeks ago and then again this weekend.

Friday Confessionals

I would LOVE to stand on a stage and look out into 10,000 chairs. To be able to see what it feels like up there looking out on all of that.


Last night Katie and I went to the Kenny Chesney concert. She got free tickets through her work and the whole time, as I looked down on that stage all I could think about was what it would feel like to stand on it. To hear my voice echo throughout the arena. It could be empty, while I LOVE to sing, I'm not sure that I'm concert worthy but it would still be pretty cool even if the chairs were empty.

WW: I'm coming

I don't have the pictures because Miss Jessica says they are too big to e-mail so I'm going to have to send you over there to visit them but please know that they are very much adorable and very much worth the time to click on the link....

Letting Go

Letting go does not mean to stop caring
it just means I can't do it for someone else.

Letting go is not to cut myself off --
it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable --
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting to is to admit powerlessness --
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to change or blame another --
it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to car for -- but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix -- but to be supportive.

It is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome --
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

Letting go is not to be protective --
it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny -- but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue --
but instead to seek out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my own desires --
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize and regulate anybody --
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past --
but to grow and live for the future.

Letting go is to fear less and live more.

**If you're looking for me... I'm hiding out over there today.**

The 1st Anniversary....

It's late and I should probably go to bed but I have just been to a movie and had WAY more Mt. Dew than one person should consume in a week, let alone one evening so I'm a little wound for sound.

Did I tell you all that today is my birthday? (For the next 19 minutes anyway) and I have been thinking a lot today about these last 29 years. How did I get here and more importantly where the hell am I going?

A friend of mine wrote a list of 29 things about herself when she turned 29 last month and since I am in a place where I am deciding who I am and who I am not, I thought I would do something a little different... but a list just the same. So here goes.....

I have never:

1) Been arrested

2) Had a one night stand

3) Been Drunk

4) Smoked anything (Cigarettes or otherwise)

5) Taken any drug that was not prescription

6) Stolen anything (although there was one incident where I picked up a grape that had fallen on the floor and my mother THOUGHT I stole it but I swear... totally just picking it up to throw away. Who would steal a grape anyway??)

7) Been to Europe

8) Been to a Rock Concert

9) Been Para sailing (Or really anything that requires my feet to be off of the ground in such a manner that I could... oh I don't know... PLUMMET TO MY DEATH!!)

10) Had a picture of me taken in less than a bathing suit


I Have:

11) Given birth

12) Been to South America

13) Loved someone so much it hurt

14) Cried so hard I threw up

15) Laughed until I peed my pants

16) Traveled to almost all of the continental 48 states

17) Graduated from College

18) Passed the CPA on the first try

19) Made friends here with people I have never met

20) Discovered more about life in the last four months than I had in the previous 344 (yes that's months... yes I used a calculator)


I am:

21) A woman

22) A mother

23) A daughter

24) A sister

25) A single parent

26) An optimist

27) An animal lover

28) A true blue country fan

29) A person who is finally learning who they are and loving every minute of it



Thank you all for being here on the 1st anniversary of my 29th birthday!! Here's to happy times ahead!!

Dish the Dirt

Miss Jessica would like your advice... she is about to make a large purchase and wants to know your thoughts.

My vacuum is an Electrolux. It was purchased second hand but it seems to do a great job when I use it. The cleaning lady, I'm not sure what she has but I'm pretty sure it is run more in my house than mine is.


We are preparing to purchase a new vacuum this weekend, replacing the hand-me-down given to us when we purchased our house from my parents.I have researched and read reviews for hours now but still can not decide. I am strongly leaning toward a Dyson D17 Animal but choke when I get to the $550 price tag.In talking to several people I am coming to the realization this is a moderate price for a good vacuum cleaner which makes handing over the cash non the less easy.If I am spending that much money I should be able to wear it, ride it, or visit it!

What kind of Dirt “Diva” do you use? What are your recommendations; the good, the bad, and the dirtiest? I would like something bag-less geared toward animals and hyper-allergenic.


Dish me the Dirt….I can take it!

Friday Confessionals

I am a horrible listener and even worse remember. I'm not sure if this makes me a horrible friend or just a person who needs to pay the F^%$ attention.

My friends tell me things they've done, places they are going, etc. I'll be damned if I can remember that when it actually happens. I have one friend who will remember that 3 weeks ago I told her I was getting my hair cut at 8:00 on Saturday morning and then she might even call and see if I need her to watch Zack.

Me... yeah not so much. She could tell me on Thursday night that she is going out of town on Friday and without fail I will call Friday night and ask her what she's up to.

I feel bad about this, I really do but I do NOT remember these things. I have a hard enough time remembering my own schedule that's why I keep it in a planner.

So if you tell me you are doing something and I call you and act all oblivious, it's not an act, I'm really that oblivious.

Strange Ideas

I'm not sure what the reasoning was behind this but he was pretty proud of himself for thinking of it....

WW: Spike Man

Pardon the fact that my kid appears to have "CRAZY" eyes in this picture. From right after he was born Miss Jessica has referred to Zackary as Spike. It was a joke taken from the soap opera All My Children that sort of just stuck. So imagine my mom's excitement when she found this shirt while buying Zack some clothes. Of course she just HAD to buy it!!

This is Living...

This morning Footloose came on the radio. As I listened to the upbeat music I glanced in my rear view mirror to see my son, in his newly acquired sunglasses

swaying back in forth with the music. As I watched him for a little bit my heart just swelled and I turned up the music a little louder and swayed back and forth with him. (I apologize profusely for anyone who had to see my corny dance routine!!)

No matter where we go, no matter what happens, I am happy now for the first time in a long time and THIS is living...

Do you Wii??

Go check out the pictures of our FANTASTIC girls night (and one adorable little boy) over on Jess's site.

It was SOO much fun I think I might have to get me one of those... in a few years... when the price comes down... :-)

Friday Confessionals

(On early Saturday morning....)



I have never sat through a symphony or choir performance, in person or on TV, without getting goose bumps.





I saw the soloist tonight (another post... but left me feeling blah.....) and I realized how much I LOVE music and how much I miss it. Somehow I let that part of my life go and I would very much like to get it back.

Unfortunately, some of those venues tend to be rather pricey but I will have to see what I can do about that. I'm hoping in the next few years I can add several symphony concerts, musicals and choir performances to the list of things I have done.

WW: The Swing

Miss Heather broke the swing that Mr Dan built. Miss Katie took the pictures while laughing her A$$ off!! You can see more pictures (not of me...) over at Katie's blog I hope the swing can be fixed.....

What's with all the songs?

I'm sure most of you have noticed that I have posted an unusually large amount of music posts lately. Music and writing are my out. If I could have done ANYTHING with my life it would have been singing and writing. But alas, I became and accountant. I know... right??

Anyway, for me, music has healing abilities. I don't just listen to the beat, I listen to the words. I try to find the message of the song and when I do, and it helps me, I listen to it over and over and over again.

This is something that I somehow lost when I was with Jake. I don't think in any way it was his fault, it was just one of the things I gave up to be the person I thought I had to be. Well, now that I have a little more time to myself I'm finding myself DYING to write more and also to get a music collection together. The writing will be happening here, and there. (That's code... 10 points if you can figure it out... ;-)

And the music...

Well... I've started my list....

Now all I have to do is get me one of these....

Unfortunately... the list is the cheaper of the two. I've bid on a few on ebay but they all go out of my price range. Because my music is SOO varied and I sway back and forth a lot on what I want to hear I decided I wanted one with a screen so I could find the songs much easier.

So... for now this list will say among all of my other scratch paper notes at work and eventually, hopefully sometime this summer, I will pinch enough pennies and find a good enough deal and one of these will be mine.

So, hopefully that explains the music a little more. I'm guessing you will probably be seeing it around here for awhile. The music and the quotes.

You Found Me

The Music Video is here... I can't Embed it so you will have to click on the link....

I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you?
Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

- The Fray

Friday Confessionals

I don't want a divorce....

.

.

.

.

I'm raging a lot right now against this. I don't want it but not for the reasons you are probably thinking. I'm not in love with my husband right now. I'm not missing him at night or craving his love and affection during the day.

I don't want a divorce because it means I failed. I failed at something I tried SOOO hard to fix and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make him better and I couldn't make us better and I couldn't make all the hurt and the pain go away.

I don't want to be the statistic. The 50% of marriages that end in divorce. I wanted to be the 50% that didn't. The ones who grew old together and told our grandchildren about how it was hard at first but we worked through our problems and made our marriage work.

That will never happen and I'm crying now just writing this. I don't want to be married to him but I don't want to feel like a failure either.

WW: April 15th

To: Heather

Happy End of Tax Season!!Thank you Courtney!! I've already cracked open the first bag!! :-)

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow...

I love ya...

Tomorrow....

You're only...a...day....

A....WAY!!!

April 15th....

Tax day....

Have you filed your taxes yet?

Without You

What... huh??

Last night I was here until 9:10 this morning I was back at work at 5:15.

When my brain returns.... I will return...

In the mean time say it with me will ya??

Only.

14.

More.

Days......

Driving Me to Drink

What's that mommy??

It's a chair.

Why?

Because it is.

Why?

Because that's what it is...

Why?

Because it is a chair... I don't know why. It just is....

Why?

Oh for the love of.....

*******************
I do not drink. I made a decision about 7 years ago not to do so and up until this point I have never questioned or regretted this decision.

Last night I made a phone call to my sister.... after bed time (Ahhh... sweet glorious thing that is bedtime...).

Here is my parenting advice to you... accumulate copious amounts of alcohol before he turns two. You might need it!!

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear.... It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold onto.

~~Marilyn Franklin

Friday Confessionals

Mom... Dad... any members of my immediate family... STOP reading...

Right now...

You think I'm kidding....

But I'm not....

See that X up in the corner....

Press it...

I'll wait....

.
.
.
.
.
Are they gone? Oh for the love of all things holy... do you think I'm kidding. You will NEVER look at me the same if you continue looking. PLEASE... S-T-O-P......

.
.
.
.
.

I have only ever been with one person in my whole life.

.
.
.
.
It gets worse... you can STOP reading now...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Towards the end of our marriage "relations" was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn't think about it, I didn't want it....

Now, I can't STOP thinking about it. If I was a different type of girl I would have been at a bar last weekend, oh wait... I was... maybe that's a bad example. N-E-Way... If I didn't have this extreme fear of some weirdo coming to my house and killing me I would totally be all over the one night stands.

As it is, I just want to borrow a guy, someone who I know is safe and won't injure me.

Can I borrow yours?

I'll give him back I promise....

**Editors note... it gets worse in the comments... if you are in any way offended by any of this... step away from the comment box!!**

Wordless Wednesday

It Happens

Sorry, I got NOTHING for you today. This is very much the place I am in today. Shhh.... IT Happens. I very much want all of this to be behind me so that we can move on but it seems as if that will not be the case.

The divorce is on hold. Partly because my lawyer wants to see if he will be having any sort of income soon or if he will be going to treatment and partly because there is still a no contact order making it sort of hard to work out things like will he be selling his car to help pay for things while he is gone or will he be keeping it because he needs it to get to meetings and a new job.

He has detoxed so at this point he is not a threat to me. However, with that said, if he comes out and goes straight back to the drugs he could be. I just very much want to be DONE dealing with it right now but unfortunately it will be something I will be dealing with at least for the next 16 years.

I went out this weekend with some new friends and some old friends and I had a BLAST!! It very much gave me renewed energy at least for a couple of days. But today... I'm sort of crashing hard. I just got a call from the county attorney who told me Jake will be in lockup for at least awhile longer. He seemed to indicate to his dad he thought he would get out on the 26th but this guy says not so quickly.

His words to me were that they do not let people out on their arraignments and that unless someone bails him out he will be in there until he makes a plea deal and finishes his sentence. Which, he is thinking will be in jail treatment or out of jail treatment while on probation. But either way a couple more months.

So, while we wait I sit in limbo. The divorce decree has been drafted and just sits... gathering dust. Ugg... I don't like limbo....

Why Blog?

As is the case with most people who blog every month or two I will get a comment from someone, always anonymously amazingly enough, saying how I should keep my dirty laundry to myself and have some respect for the people I'm talking about.

My one for this month came yesterday and while it was not mean, or disrespectful, it did have some points I would like to address. In my case, this comment comes from someone who knows me in real life. I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of who it is since I have a stat counter that tells me where everyone comes from and what time they come here, but if they want to remain anonymous I will let them do so.

They do, however bring up a couple points I would like to address. First and foremost, my son was NOT brought into this world with a "job" to bring my husband an I closer together. No matter what you may think, I HONESTLY thought my husband was clean when we conceived our son. We were the happiest we had ever been, he had a good job with benefits and I thought our lives were going in a very positive direction.

My husband was fired two weeks after I found out I was pregnant for failing to pass a drug test. Too little, too late at that point so we did the best we could with what we had at the time, which apparently was not enough. I will agree with the fact that I was naive, that I knew who he was when I married him, and that I was stupid enough to think I could change him. I will stand up and say I to every bit of that but DON'T bring my son into this. He is the one, most perfect thing, I have ever done in my life and he had then and has now no other "job" than to be a beautiful little boy.

Secondly, I would like to address the tole this has had on Jake's family. I realize that there are people in his family that do not like me airing his dirty laundry on this blog. You being one of them but I have gotten amazingly supportive phone calls and e-mails from his family members and believe me when I tell you what you read here is NOT the entire story.

I realize that some of Jake's family is fairly private. And I have respected that privacy as much as I can in most respects. I did not go into great detail on the blog, I did not share every little thing that was said or done. I stated the basic facts of what happened and quite frankly my motto is, if he didn't want his dirty laundry aired on the blog then perhaps he should make better choices. (And for the record, he has never told me, using or sober, that he doesn't like my blog or that he wants me to take something down.)

When it comes down to it I am airing MY dirty laundry here to but no one seems to care about that. I've never gotten a comment telling me I shouldn't air my dirty laundry. (Maybe it's the cleaner of the two...)

Either way, I want everyone to know that No one... and I do mean NO ONE, thinks that his actions are in any way a reflection on his family. That is something that took me a year to learn in Al-anon. I always thought that people would think badly about me if I told them what he was doing but really, they just think badly of him. Those are his bad choices but never, ever would I say here that they are because he is a bad person.

Jake is a WONDERFUL man and he is a fantastic father, when he is sober and he shows up. I love him with every fiber of my being. He is my addiction and him and I are not good for each other because of that. So we are getting a divorce. But I hope with everything that I am that he gets clean and that he is able to be a part of Zack's life and a part of mine as my friend.

As for blogging all of this. To date I have gotten at least two e-mails and/or comments from random strangers who have found my blog and have been helped by it. Two people who now know that they are not alone. It may seem like a pitty party to you, but it is my way of showing the world that I am human. That this hurts me and that I cry EVERY SINGLE day about this.

It is my way of showing people that this does happen. That it is ok to hurt. It is okay to love someone who has a disease. The supportive comments I got on that post, up until this one at least, have kept me strong. Have helped me to get through this whole week. I reach out to these people because I need them and sometimes they reach back in because they need me too.

This is a network of people that I am not willing to give up and I hope, someday, you can understand that or at least respect it.

Hole in My Sidewalk

I was given a copy of this at my last counseling appointment and I have been meaning to put it up ever since. People... THIS is my life....

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street

- There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Portia Nelson

Moving Forward

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

- The Language of Letting Go

Melody Beattie

Wordless Wednesday

On Saturday after all the madness Zack and I headed up to Miss Katie's house where she took some FANTASTIC pictures of my little man. First Jess, than Katie. He's becoming quite the film extraordinaire. You can see the rest of the pictures on her photography website.

Stupid Boy

Breathe

This song spoke to me today. I'm REALLY struggling today. On Saturday things with Jake went from bad to worse. An argument while he was over visiting Zack that ended with him throwing something at my head, braking a picture that rained glass down on my son, threatening my life, trying to punch me, throwing something else at my head and eventually leaving only to be escorted by the friendly officer, who told me on the phone she chewed his ass all the way to the nice jail building. Where, he continues to sit and think about his choices as of late.

I'm not sure I can adequately explain battered woman's syndrome to you but I can tell you that I have it. And I am SERIOUSLY struggling with it. I want to do what is best for me, I want to do what is best for Zack but I'm not sure whether some of the choices I'm making are accomplishing much in either direction.

As much as I want to just write him off I can't. I don't know if that is because I am addicted to him or because he is the father of my son. As a sober person, Jake is a great guy. As a meth addict, he is... well... unpredictable and hostile at best, homicidal at worst.

Right now, the restraining order is in place keeping me from him. Keeping me from myself. From falling back into the pattern of forgiving him of making things better. That, my friends, is the illness. If you think that I am strong and I am brave, you are wrong. I am scared and I am sick and I fight a huge war within myself every day to go forward with this divorce and to make the best decisions that I can.

Every day I don't talk to him, I get stronger. Every day he is gone and I learn a little more about the life he has been living, I get stronger. Him and I are over. We are getting a divorce. But I struggle with Zack. IF he gets clean, IF he stays sober, I want him in my son's life.

Some days I make decisions that probably make the people in my life want to shake me. (Trust me when I tell you, doing that will NOT help. If you try to tell me what to do or tell me I'm doing it wrong I will just shut down and not tell you.) But I want them to know that I am struggling. I am TRYING!! The best I know how. Towards the end of this song it says:

There's a light at each end of this tunnel

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around

That's where I'm at. I HAVE to go forward. I have to move towards the light at the end of the tunnel. The one that I see but every once and awhile I still struggle. I still want to turn around and look back, maybe to remember how far I've come, maybe because it is SOO hard to continue to go forward.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

That is the rest of where I'm at. I'm not sure that any of this makes any sense but if I keep it inside of me it eats at me. That's why I started the other blog but I haven't been able to be there much with all of this going on and with work being so busy. I'm hoping to devote huge chunks of my time there once tax season is over. Try to get all of this stuff down and out so that it stops eating me inside.

Until then, please be gentle with me. I might not be making the same choices you would be but I am making the best ones that I know how to make and the ones that I think are the best for me and my son. I might stumble and fall flat in the mud but at least I'm moving forward in a positive direction.

One day at a time, breathing in and out....

Cry, Cry

I know a girl she was a waitress
Had a big spirit till she let her boyfriend break it
He always talked her down
Took her pride and kicked it around
Took it as long as she could take it
She left a note on the dresser and hung up her apron

Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright baby

I know a man who tried to ease his mind
Chased his regrets with any bottle he could find
Life cut him down so low
Took his pride and broke his soul
Till he forgave himself and let it go

Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright baby

We're all here just trying to live our lives
Pay our electric bills and spending up our time
There ain't a friend to be found
Who can't break through the concrete clouds
When the rain when the rain comes crashing down

Cry cry till the sun shines baby
Cry cry till the sun shines
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

- Cry, Cry (Till The Sun Shines)

Heidi Newfield

F%$#

He.
Got.
Fired.

.
.
.
.

Wordless Wednesday: My Favorite Time of Day

While I would love to take credit for these pictures... I can not. You must visit the fabulous Jessica to see the rest of them.

Dear Jake-

Two years ago you and I were given the greatest gift imaginable. As I write this he is sleeping in the other room and you are off somewhere doing God knows what. In the past eight days you have spent a grand total of four hours with him. Half of that trying to figure out how to leave him without him getting too upset.

As I watched you hold him and cry last night, promising him that you would do better, I thought perhaps... just maybe... you could understand a little of what you were missing. Yet this evening, as almost every other day in the past eight, you were too tired to visit. You needed to stay home and "relax."

A friend of mine told me perhaps it is because you didn't want a child as badly as I. Perhaps you don't really miss what you were never really sure you wanted. Yet somehow, I don't think that is the case. Perhaps he was my heart's desire but when I saw you with him, when you were you and not the disease, you were just as in love with him as I.

But now, you are the disease. When I close my eyes I see you in a long dark tunnel. When you look around you, all you see is darkness and despair but if you look far enough, squint hard enough you will see a small light at the end of that tunnel. Every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up I pray that you find your way to that light. To that place of peace and happiness that you had a year ago.

But for now, I want you to know that somewhere in the past eight days, your son has learned what an oval is. And while he might confuse the triangle for the square, he knows that there is such a thing as both a triangle and a square and that, my friend, is living proof that I am living with one of the most amazing people I could ever imagine.

Some day, when he is grown, he will form his own opinion of you, and why you were not here. I hope that he, unlike me, is able to see that daddy had a disease and that disease took him away. Because right now, I'm struggling. There is a deep sadness within me and a deep despair at the loss of the man that just a year ago I thought would be in my life forever. I am struggling to understand how you could choose that life over this one and how the disease could "win" when just a year ago we thought we had it beaten.

So, in case I forget to tell you, through all the anger and the sadness and the tears, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have given me the greatest gift I could ever imagine and I promise that I will take care of him in a way that I only wish you could. Someday, when you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel, I hope it is not too late for him to forgive you for all that you missed.

Heather

Friday Confessionals

I have, more times than I would like to admit to... especially since the first of the year, let my son eat a pop tart or a couple nutrigrain bars for dinner.

Hey, he eats good at daycare right??

Wordless Wednesday: Grandpa

I believe the phrase was, "No gamma... gampa's turn!!"